Thursday, 10 June 2010

101 Things To Do During The Synchronized Online Poker Tournament Breaks

Inspired by a thread on a particularly unfriendly poker forum, we present our 101 things to do during the synchronized breaks held by most poker tournament sites. Since the breaks are not quite synchronized enough, to qualify the item had to be possible in 3 minutes and 39 seconds... we are sure there are more, so, dear Melted Felt readers, feel free to add to this list.


- Have Aces auto-folded 4 times at Party Poker
- Boil the kettle, pour water over a tea bag and leave it to stew until the next break when you'll pour it away and start again
- Take a power dump
- Let the dog out (break 1)
- Smoke a short blunt
- Let the dog back in (break 2) or:
- Wonder where the dog got to (break 3) and / or:
- Report the dog missing (break 4)
- Cut and paste the bad-beats you have saved the histories of during the preceding hour to prove to your forum ' buddies' that you are in fact very talented - just a little unlucky.
- Check your sharkscope graph, OPR rating and so on
- Register for the next $5 tournament with 3000+ players, play for 6 more hours and win $17.23c for coming in 266th
- Reply to event invitations on Facebook saying you are too busy to party tomorrow, when you know you'll just be grinding the same old games
- Freeze half way between the kitchen and the bathroom, unable to decide whether another beer or a p1ss is the highest proirity.
- Explain to a random loved one that you would have been top 10 in chips, if only you had not been cold-decked
- Make notes on 3 separate opponents which say 'donk' in various ways without actually explaining how you could exploit them in future.
- Switch the catheters of the 'Man in White', if someone left him in your house.
- Make a 'Missing' poster with a picture of your dog. (break 5)
- Print missing dog poster (break 6)
- Decline weekend trip to a lake with your buddies, explaining to them that while they are slaves
working in cubicles you are free, just like Che Guevara
- Hang around the lounge until someone looks up from the TV to ask 'hows it going?', then snap 'Don't Ask!'
- Dash out to stick missing dog poster to nearest lamp post (break 7)
- Think of something really smart to say to the guy who breated you 40 minutes ago, even though he is long gone and it is too late.
- Order a pizza that you know will come just as you *finally* get dealt those bullets
- Agree with your forum buddies that someone 1000 times better than you will ever be is actually 'just lucky'.
- Run back in with your missing dog poster to fetch some tape (break 8)
- Pour yourself a large one, you deserve it.
- Completely fail to notice that your ladyfriend has changed into her sexiest neglige and gave you 'that look' as she told you she was planning an early night.
- Fire up a cash game to fill the gap, you fvcking addict.
- Browse the latest entry on Melted Felt, I mean, you have us bookmarked, right?
- Dash out with the tape to put up missing dog poster (break 9)
- Prepare a healthy meal of cookies, chips and peanut butter
- Grab a nice cold beer, you earned it.
- find a random poker forum thread and type '/ thread' in it.
- Pray to the poker gods that you'll run good, just one time, please
- Explain to your parents that you want to drop out of college and do this for the rest of your life (and actually believe that you do!).
- Discover that dog came back in during break 4 and is asleep on the sofa.
- Laugh heartily at the times when there were no synchronized breaks and tournament grinders used p1ss into pots
- Convert to Bokokanism
- Sprinkle while you tinkle
- Read the first 3 pages of War And Peace
- Smoke another blunt
- Kick dog for wasting so many of your breaks
- Text a poker playing friend telling them how glad you are you did not go to the game with all
those other losers, then wish you had when you bust all your games 10 minutes later.
- Clip your toe nails, one foot per break
- Swear blind that you are never going to play online poker again, it is fvucking rigged.
- Put your fist through the plasterboard partition wall of your study
- Press play on the CD player again to save the bother of having to choose a new album
- Check your blance on 6 different sites, mentally adding the prize for your current position in the field in each tournament
- Stretch, groaning as you do it, actually enjoy the stretch / groan combo immensely (over 30's
only)
- Decide to 'take a shot' at a higher buy-in game since you are sick of all the donks sucking out on
you, get totally outplayed, then blame it on a bad beat.
- Look at internet pictures of naked ladies, wondering what it would be like to play with a real one!
- Mow 1/16th of the lawn per break.
- Have a glass of wine, you worked hard for it.
- Make a calculation of how much you could earn with X ROI at Y buy-in level and Z volume of
tournaments, totally overlooking the fact that you are actually a loser after the rake.
- Tell the dog that you are a great player and that it is your destiny to reach 17th place on a
monthly leaderboard, soon.
- Tell your mom that its a freeroll, that of course you are not playing for real money, that you are about to start you homework and no thanks, you would not like a glass of orange squash and a cookie.
- Play the main riff to 'smoke on the water' on an out of tune acoustic guitar, start the the 'house
of the rising sun' melody, then realize you do not know the second cord.
- Ask your dog whether it thinks you should quit your lousy job and move to Vegas.
- Throw yourself to the floor, punding both fists into the carpet and crying 'why me?, Why Me?'
- Make a tangy Gin and Tonic, why not, you deserve to relax a little.
- Realize that you are one minute late, and you just lost 3 timebanks.
- Shout at the dog for forgetting to check the 'auto-add on' button
- Have a power dump, only to realize half way through that you forgot the add-on button and run back without wiping
- Jump up to grab a drink, only to realize you have been sitting on your foot for the last hour and it has gone so dead you can not stand on it
- Get stressed and angry that all those weak souls who need a break are stopping you from gambling for the next 5 minutes
- Get a soothing foot massage from a Thai lady who miraculously climbs in through your window
- Double check that your poker book collection is in alphabetical order
- Realize that you do not actually have a dog, and start to call the neighbors to see if any of them
are missing one
- Set the TV to record poker shows, after all you'll need a break from the tables at some point.
- Smoke another blunt, it stops you tilting.
- Stare listlessly out of the window until you are alerted to the fact that the games have restarted by a succession of beeps
- Pick up a free weight with your left hand to try and balance your muscle imbalance caused by too much {censoring this one - Ed]
- Post something pointlessly negative and snarky on a poker forum in reply to a genuinely
enthusiastic new poster requesting help, feel proud of yourself for doing so.
- Save the world / whales / forests / tree-frogs (delete as applicable, you hippy)
- Soft Boil and egg.
- Stare blankly at the screen, mouth open, small amount of saliva slowly dribbling down your chin
- Fire up pokerstove and work out just how big a favorite you were in that last hand you lost
- Turn on radio to hear reports of rabid dog on the loose, with instructions to keep well clear of
the aggressive deadly beast
- Change the mood of your Full Tilt avatar 17 times in response to another player changing the mood of their Full Tilt avatar
- Dont Panic!
- Run into your garden and hug a tree, not metaphorically, we are talking physical hugs here.
- Check your facebook, e-mails and twitter, even though you know you are the only one online at 10pm on a Saturday night.
- Pause, briefly, outside of your room-mates bedroom door while a pang of jealousy hits you after hearing his girlfriend giggle.
- Make an Irish Coffee, you played well
- Look up to realize that a very angry looking dog is standing between you and your telephone, its eyes are glowing red and it is salivating...
- Retrieve the rock solid egg that you started to soft boil last break from the now bone dry pan
- Do 20 push-ups, collapse panting.
- Follow Melted Felt on Twitter http://www.twitter.com/planetmark
- Slide slowly along the wall without startling the rabid dog on your way to the gun cabinet in the basement
- Put your hands behind you head, smile broadly and think to yourself how amazingly cool your new career as a poker pro will be, just as soon as your luck evens out
- Decide which ramen noodle flavor your nutricious meal will be this time.
- Sneek up on the dog and shoot it in the back of the head, splatting brains and blood all over the floor
- Put remains of dog into an old holdall, take to the outside trash can
- Drink your 12th can of red bull today
- Cry, none of this lone silent tears business - we are talking like a really angry baby this time, scream your heart out, it is just sooo unfvuvking fair.
- Meet your sweet senior neighbor on your way to the trash with the dead dog in the holdall, explain that you have not seen her 'little timmy', though you'll be sure to let her know next break if you come across him...

No idea if this is 101, did not count, anyone got any more?

MF

2 comments:

clearspine said...

So sad, so true, SOOOOOOOO funny! Absolutely brilliant post!

Anonymous said...

OMG GENIUS

/comments

 
Add to Technorati Favorites