Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Having A Short Break - Some Great Poker Humor Links For You!

Going to have a short break, dear Melted Felt readers, to enjoy a little summer and see my much neglected (by me!) family.

Will be back feeling refereshed and hopefully with that ellusive answer what might have been revealed about the Taliban's online poker strategy by the recent Wikileaks, erm, leak - in a week or so.

In the meantime here is a link to a whole bunch of poker humor links... definitely worth checking out Bill Rini's Poker Humor Carnival


Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Essence - OnGame's New Rake Calcuation - Explained!

We are proud and humble in the service of you, the online poker community here at Melted Felt. Today we repay some of the loyalty and perseverance you have shown over countless bland, dumb and down right silly posts by revealing the core algebra behind the new Rake Calculation Method at OnGame known as Essence

It took some serious computing power, dear MF readers, with deep thought, the mandarax, 3 of those scary robot fish things from the Matrix and a rigged up chip set from a Commadore 64... but in the end we got there.

As it turned out the main determinants of how much rake you pay are whether you are a fish, a donkey, a whining unlucky loser who does not understand that he is a sh1t player and so berates everyone else at the same time as believing he is a winner (just 'whiner' for short), or a complete fvcking retard.

Here is how it works.

Say you are a fish, and sit at a table with 9 other fish, playing the internet pokerz... rake is taken at a rate which means most of you will never win a cent, just as it is at every other poker site... since you are all fish the benefit of this rake, in terms of points, bonuses and VIP levels is evenly split. That is our starting point.

Now we add a Donkey to the table. This donkey manages the seemingly impossible, and actually donates to the fish! So, compared to the Donkey the Fish are better, so even though they get raked enough to ensure they will never really profit, yet the Donkey gets more of the credit. It will not help of course, he will be busted before he ever gets enough points to buy that pair of super-tight Bwin Y-fronts from the online points store.

What happens when we now add to the mix 2 lose-passive 'whiners' and 1 complete fvcuking retard?

Well, the balance shifts again you see, the whiners will probably have rakeback deals in place and will have posted all over forums about how totally unfair it is when their portion of the rake has to go down just because they are the skilled players... of course, their rakeback actually rises, since their mistaken belief that their superior knowledge of strategy is real usually leads to them donating to the fish in the standard reload-berate-reload cycle.

Finally, our complete retard joins the whiners, fish and donkeys, calling all their cleverly constructed multi-street bluffs with 3rd pair because, well, there was nothing much on the TV. His wins accumulate, and now he finds it virtually impossible to clear his bonus due to not getting any credit at all for his rake.

Not that it really mattered, he was not aware he had a bonus in the first place and all those whiners have convinced him that WoW would be a much more entertaining passtime from now on.

Anyway, hope that clarifies, if you are from outside of the US I recommend those tables full of donkeys, whiners and fish at OnGame's Red Kings Poker (links to my SNG Planet review)... watch out for the occasional fvcking retards though!


Thursday, 22 July 2010

Quick Fire Roundup - The HR2267 Debate, "Taxing Grinders Act".

In an exclusive so political we had a vote on whether to post it at all*, we bring you news of the debate on Barney Frank's 7012th piece of legislation, the "Internet Gambling Regulation, Taxing Grinders and Protecting Donks Act"- also known as HR2267.

*The vote was won by a majority of 1, with Mark voting to post the post and nobody else able to vote, or something.

As you would expect, the debate was vigorous, with both anti and extremely-anti gambling names making big statements and scary predictions. Here is a rundown of the major players and their stances.

- Spencer Bachus (Republican - AL) put to the committee that evil gaming corporations are infiltrating the brains of cute fluffy kittens using innocuous names like "Safe And Secure Puddy Tat' to fool us into thinking that they were actually trying to protect us, while they were really addicting people to a life of gambling, vice and drugs from the very first hand.

- Annie Duke, (Poker Pro - UB) was fully clothed throughout the hearing and spoke eloquently about the fact that people kind of like playing poker, that the UIGEA was something to do with banks and that, if they did not get the legislation through fast Phil Hellmuth might come along and explain how poker is a skill game.

- Lyn Marebla, representing Indian Tribal interests said that internet gambling was bad, as it prevented people going to eat sh1t food and drinking overpriced non-alcoholic wine at their tatty old reservations. She added that TVs, Video Games, and Carpets should also be banned, in order to encourage more people to do their patriotic duty and drive to reservations to pay stupidly high rake to surly dealers in poker rooms which stink of stale cigarette smoke.

- Micheal Fagan, an anti-terrorism consultant, then spoke, explaining that back in '67 the Viet Kong were all avid online poker players, and that cards, dice and coins should be immediately outlawed to prevent the youth turning into commies and bringing down the very fabric of society by masturbating frequently. Michael added that an ammendment should be made to the bill which included provision to round up every damn homosexual online gambling Ruskie out there, put them in a field and, well, bomb the bastards.

Wrapping up Barney Frank sliently voiced his disappointment that Annie (Oh, Annie) was fully dressed and then pointed out that the people who did not like the idea of legalizing online poker were in two main camps, those who thought that a quick game of cards would result in enternal hell-fire and damnation, and those who were protecting their own financial interests by trying to convince others that a quick game of cards would result in enternal hell-fire and damnation.

Watch out for a markup soon!


Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Finland's Rush Poker Habit - A Melted Felt Investigation

Just when you thought Rush week was a thing of the past not to be repeated for, well, at least another week - we bring you a cutting edge MF investigation!

Yes, dear MF readers, it is well known that every other player on the Rush Poker tables is from Finland, what you probably did not know is that they are actually all members of the same Death Metal band...

We tracked down Juppa Hämäläineniihaa, self prolaimed spokesman and double bass-peddle drumming specialist with jet back hair, slightly scary piercing blue eyes and bits of metal inserted where you would not expect pieces of metal to be.

To start with we asked what the attraction of Rush Poker was to Fins in particular?

"Well" began Juppa, "Living in Helsinki we have the daily excitement of being hunted by angry polar bears, raging gun battles and maintaining world leadership in mobile phone handset technology, after which normal poker seems a little on the slow side" continuing, "And of couse, it gives us the opportunity to re-raise a lot, and the only thing we love more than re-raising is re-re-raising"

We then enquired about the rumor that every single Fin on Full Tilt was actually a member of the Death Metal band "Burnt Eye Massacre".

"Yes, this is correct" said Juppa between chugs of Koskenkorva vodka, which every Finnish home has available directly from the taps, "we have 71 drummers, 32 bass guitarists, 148 guitarists and 29 on vocals - surprisingly the sound is very similar to just one of each, though we do hit stage-size issues in smaller to mid-sized venues".

Our next question was that of collusion, with so many people knowing each other...

"Impossible, just because every player has a pre flop raise when folded to percentage of 100%, a continuation bet percentage of 100% and a 3 bet pecentage of 89% is merely a coincidence, part of the Finnish humor, and partially because is is minus 26C outside in the summer with only 2 minutes of daylight a day"

Unconvinced we asked why there were so many Fins online at the Rush tables compared with other nations, and what preventative measures they had in place to prevent suspicions?

At this point Juppa darkly informed us that Finland had more guns per head of population than the USA and asked if we would like to see his large collection of semi-automatic weapons... we elected to watch the nations favorite DVD instead and settled down to a hour and a half of 'Happy Feet', enough to convince us that all is good and fair in the world of Rush... maybe.


Monday, 19 July 2010

Bill's Carnival Of Poker Humor... Get Ye Involved!

Something different today, instead of a post a plug - for a carnival.

Now, it is poker related, and in fact related to poker humor. Nope, not the chuckle that guy from Sao Paulo must have had while he ran down his timebank before showing me aces when I was all-in in the Sunday Warm up yesterday... I mean funny stuff you might have published on your blog or website...

Bill Rini's blog has been on my personal reading list for longer than I;d care to admit... and he has announced a 'Poker Carnival' based on humor, that should result in webmasters and bloggers getting more traffic / links and readers getting a good selection of humor to read, a win / win.

I know that a couple of you shady MF readers possess a razor-sharp whit from your blogs past and present and comments here... and urge you to get involved. I'm going to have a look through my archive this week in a forlorn attempt to find something which might actually be funny too.

The idea is easy - submit them to Bill by the 24th, and he will sort out the best and publish them for everyone to enjoy... here is where to go:

I'll have a cruise around the news and come up with some of the usual nonsense for tomorrow!


Friday, 16 July 2010

As Dunst Temporarily Leads Main Event, A WSOP Bond Story...

With just 17,851 people left in the World Series Main Event on day 93, we bring you the shocking news that the chip leader, Tony Dunst appears to still be suffering from a strange delusion of bond-ness... playing and publishing under his online moniker 'Bond18'.

Now, while the two share poker in common, that is about all - not just the Dunst's well documented weed smoking here, I'm talking about the fact that he probably could not fight his way out of a wet paper bag - let alone take on evil terrorists...

Well, dear Melted Felt readers, after ruling our Tony, our thoughts started straying to which other poker celebs might fit the world of Bond, James Bond. So, we quickly scrambled to write an ill thought-through Bondesque plot based around the world series of poker.

To kick off we are going to need a bad guy - and I think Barry Greenstein could fit the bill perfectly here. We'll recast him as the evil Baron Von Greenstein who plans of taking all that lovely balla money and giving it to *gasp* smelly, uneducated poor people.

While we generally have a policy of not giving flattery to ex-model, tennis pro, super rich high stakes poker geniuses... Patrik Antonius did seem the obvious choice for Bond. Sent in by the British at the request of the CIA to save the world from Hippy ideals and return to the good old western moneygrabbing values which poker fans love.

Of course, Patrik gets jumped by a couple of 'goons' while looking for clues at the Rio. Yep, Joe Sebok and Gavin Smith jump him from behind at the buffet, resulting in a punch-up lasting a good 10 minutes in which various poker pros hired by Baron Von Greenstein take on our Bond, we have Humberto Brenes swinging a small shark, Daniel Negranu unleashing a chiwawa with sharpened razor teeth and poison spiked collar, Luke Swartz armed with a stolen cheese sandwich while Dave Ulliot spreads a huge can of bryl-cream onto the floor - bond being bond all are sprawled over the floor groaning by the end of the scene.

Just then Patrik sees Ivey sneaking out of the place and runs after him just in time to see him speed off in his ferrari!! This starts the obligitory car-chase scene, with our Bond jumping into a specially designed Aston Martin equipped with flame-thrower, lazers and an ICM calculator for those tricky short-stacked all-in situations. Being a bond flim, we then switch to Helicopters... while Ivey eventually gives Ivey the slip by hiding behind a giant craps table the Baron's hideout is located!

Annie, oh Annie, while king-fu rubber catsuited Duke would be a great Bond Villan for many *ahem* gentlemen past a certain age - in our WSOP Bond she is "M", looking slightly aghast at the actions of Bond, in the same way she does when listening to Hellmuth. No, wait a second, not quite that aghast... anyway M informs Patrik that there is a secret entrance to Von Greensteins lair - with an electronic key hidden within Tom Dwan's pink flamingo hat.

Even with a special invisibilty suit created by the mad 'Q' of Mike Caro, Patrik is unable to get close to Durrrrr due to hordes of teenage fans hovering waiting to swoon when their idol wins a hand, Tiffany Michelle, kidding herself that she is even close to bond-girl material, then manages to distract Dwan for a second by miraculously playing a poker hand quite well... enough for the hat to be knocked off and replaced with a copy... phew.

Into the basement of the Rio and Patrik finds a problem, the secret entrance to the Baron's lair has been completely blocked by Annette Obrestads stash of reserve tasty pies!

Not only that, we find out via high-tech spying gadgets, that there is a timer with red numbers with only 2 minutes to go!!! Next we get a point-of-view sequence of Patrik running through the Amazon room scattering chips, drinks and people as he goes... finally locating Mike Matesow and dragging him to the basement in just time to eat through the wall of pies blocking his progress.

The timer now shows just 1 minute before the evil plan to redistribute poker wealth kicks off... tense music plays, sweaty brows are mopped and pupils dialate.

Finally Antonius confronts the evil Baron Von Greenstein, the grinning Ivey by his side.

There is a problem though, they have a hostage, yes a helpless Shannon Elizabeth is tied to a table (calm down, dear readers) with a huge saw and drill contraption primed to slice her and dice her into poker chips with any movement, oh no!

With just 20 seconds to go our quick-thinking Bond brings out the secret weapon - his well polished Italian leather shoes are in fact speaker systems and inside the heels are prepared recordings of none other than, wait for it... the Hellmuth. Yes, as soon as the "well, 11 bracelets proves beyond doubt that I am the best poker player in the world... blah.... if luck were not involved...etc" started the evil Von Greenstein, Ivey and their gang were forced to flee -screaming, with their hands over their ears...


Monday, 12 July 2010

Clairvoyant Slug Predicts Winner Of Sunday Million

Paul the psychic octopus has been all over the media at the soccer world cup, correctly predicting all of Germany's results by choosing the correct flag before each match - and even correctly predicting all 27 yellow cards in the final... Well, being more adventurous than your average poker blog - we thought it was time to go one further... Yes, dearest Melted Felt readers, we have been trying out various future-telling creatures in the world of poker.

First we borrowed the hamster from a friend's daughter Hayley - aged seven. Hayley told us that her darling Hamster, "Prince Hammy" was so very very clever that he would be able to quickly tell us which poker name would go furthest in this years World Series of Poker Main Event. Intrigued, we set up an experiment exactly replicating that given with Paul the Octopus.

One tasty sunflower seed was attached to a picture of Phil Ivey, Phil Hellmuth, Doyle Brunson, Daniel Negreanu and Mike Matusow. We then lowered the pictures into 'Prince Hammy's' tank, under strictly controlled conditions and watched to see which seed he would pop into his cheeky 'lill hamster cheek-pouch first.

After approximately 2 hours of f all happening we had to break the sad news to Hayley that Princess Hammy had unfortunately drowned, though he was no doubt having lots of fun in Hamster heaven, probably. At the time of writing we are still waiting for an explanation from the Melted Felt mole as to exactly why he decided to take replicating the 'Paul the Octopus' experiment quite so literally.

Next we marked out a grid in our kitty litter tray, as a special control marked each square with a number, and created a secret list of 12 aspiring poker pros to see if we could predict who would be highest on the global poker tournament players rankings in 6 months time. We will bring you the result of this one as soon as we find a volunteer to dig through the litter and find the buried treasures...

Not to be discouraged, we finally found the psychic beast we were looking for. After locating a promising slug we performed what will (probably) go down in history as the greatest predication ever. Printing, cutting out and scattering the names of all 6528 entrants to yesterday's Sunday Million, we scattered their names all over the kitchen floor. We then fed our nasty, slightly orange tinged sticky slug a yummy tasty McSlug Pellet burger(c), ensuring its painful and reasonably immiment demise. The slug duly died next to 'TeddyKGB1234', who 10 hours later won the Sunday Million for $173,974


Paul the Octpus, you could not have come close.


Friday, 9 July 2010

Relief, As The Poker Community Finally Finds Something About Eastgate To Hate...

News from the land of Carlsberg and Bacon today, dear Melted Felt readers - as we finally get the opportunity to say (well, write) a bad word on the poker pro that nobody ever had a bad word to say (well, write) about... 2008 WSOP Main Event Champ Peter "Mr Personality" Eastgate.

You see, Peter was always quietly spoken, dignified and carried himself with a certain class which meant people would write things like, 'real nice guy', or 'great ambassador for poker' about him. Eastgate went on to prove that he was no one-hit-wonder by winning few (and final tabling a few other) big tournaments. He was humble in interviews, nice to old people and treated furry woodland creatures with the care and respect they deserved [you are absolutely sure about the woodland creatures bit, right? - Ed]

Just as you were about to vote for Peter as the 'nicest poker player eva'and take him to your Mum's for a tasty slice of cake, he goes and reveals it was all a cleverly constructed niceness levels-of-thinking slowroll.

Yep, a slowroll.

You see Peter was saving it all up. The goodwill, the respect of his peers, the inability to put a foot wrong in public. His dramatic lack of human-ness, He was saving it for one big twist.

Saving it so he could really, really, really p1ss you off - Big time, properly, just once.

And now he has.

Yes, by giving up poker for ever this week Eastgate has revealed he was considering calling for those 5 full agnonizing minutes while holding quads all along. He has twisted the knife into all of his fans who, try as they might, can not get a run of 'just average luck' long enough to get them out of the micros, he has shown the proverbial two fingers to the aspirations of college dropouts worldwide who will end up driving taxis once their positive variance starts to wane.

By saying 'Yeah, well, $10.5 million is enough, I'm young and going to enjoy life without poker', Peter finally (and shockingly) revealed that he is not 'one of us' at all, he actually is a class act - just one that likes to have the last laugh - at your expense.

Nice slowroll Peter, we can all start a new era now - of claiming to having hated you all along!


Wednesday, 7 July 2010

The Rhyme Of The Non-Rakebakerer

Every now and again, dear Melted Felt readers, I go a little - well - literary on you all. Today is one of those days where, knowing full well it will make f all difference, I'll endeavor to bring a little classic poetry into your mundane, self-serving lives.

Now, If I told you that this one was originally written by the MTT triple crown winner SammyKGB1234 would you be more interested? Probably not huh? Well, his usual name is Samuel Taylor Coleridge, he is long dead - and this is my attempt (attempt dear readers, attempt) at taking part of the Rhyme of The Ancient Mariner, and using it to express the emotional pain and soul-wrenching anguish of those who joined Full Tilt before rakeback - and now can not get switched over.

Mostly from part #2 of the original, since the chances of you recognizing any of part #1 were pretty close to the chances of anyone from the UB scandal ever being brought to justice... erm, zip!

The Rhyme Of The Non-Rakebackerer

Part #1

It is a non-rakebackerer
And he whineth at thee
'By the clicketh of mouse and tearful eye
Now wherefore the rakeback for me?

Part #2

Rakeback, rakeback, every where
Said all the donks in glee
Rakeback, rakeback, every where
Nor any drop for me

About, about in donk and suckout
Ye donators limped by night;
The rakeback, rake-race, free bankrolls
Burnt green, dollars set alight

And some in dreams so assured were,
The refusal that plagued me plainly;
From the depths of the micros followed us
To Steps, to Rush, then KO Bounty

And every forum, through bitter hate
Fish gloating, boasting, hushed thy going broke;
My chat ban burned me, to thrice frustrate
The rakeback donkeys, ere more loudly spoke

Ah! Well-a-day! What Injustice fuels
I played for years here old and young
Instead my cross, to payeth full rake;
About my neck was hung.


Monday, 5 July 2010

China To Unpeg Double Or Nothing Colluders

In a post that has seen the Ghost of China and discovered that it is indeed very very red, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you news of a scandal which has rocked the obscure and sinister world of Double or Nothing SNG fans to the very core! Pokerstars' security team recently banning more than 20 accounts which were alledgedly involved in a giant collusion racket.

Being more thorough than your average poker satire blog, we immediately dispatched the Melted Felt Mole to Tianamen square...

After having a quick (very quick) nap in front of a tank then dousing himself with petrol and setting himself on fire while listening to 'The Flying Teapot' on his iPod to lend some moral support to Falun-Gong supporters - the Mole was able to get a statement from the Chinese authorities.

"As the very important official from the even more powerful Ministry of Plastic Stuff, I have to point out that biased and anti-Chinese media outlets have painted the discovery of one of our collusion teams in a very unfavorable light" continuing, "the free Chinese media agency are currently producing a factual documentary on the subject, giving our heros who successfully countered imperialist donks for so long", he paused to rub powdered Siberian snow leopard into his ring-piece, coughed once and then continued, "some due respect".

"China will continue to peg the number of Double or Nothing colluders to the rate of 8-game specialists between 10c / 25c and $1 / $2. If we decide to move this rate it will be for the greater good of the people of China" said the official, pausing only briefly to execute a petty criminal with a bullet in the back of the head before continuing, "Western pressure will have no effect on the decision of China on how many collusion teams, CPA fraudsters and bot development projects will be run."

The Mole was then imprisoned for bribing an official, and had to bribe an official to get out, at which point he was imprisoned for bribing that official - we will let you know how that one goes.


Friday, 2 July 2010

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Friday again, dear Melted Felt readers and time for a recap of the week's hottest and most thoroughly sensational poker news in our irregularly regular spot - quick fire Friday. Without any further ado, we get straight to the news:

- Pokerstars Sign Andy Williams

This item took us back a bit, the world's biggest poker site are expanding their stable of celebs once more with the addition of aged crooner Andy Williams. We understand that the 'Moon River' will now be the default sound at final tables across the site. At the time of going to press we were not able to confirm whether crap poker site Bogdog would be playing "I Can't Get Used To Losing You" at theirs... oh, hang on a sec, David...

- Berlin Tournament Robbers Sentenced

With the Berlin EPT robbery one of few the genuinely exciting poker incidents of recent times, we are happy to report a conclusion to the trial of 4 of the robbers. In the pre-sentence wrap up the judge said, "Das Ist Mein Holsten Pills", "Vorsprung Durch Techniq" and "Mein Hut, der hat drei Ecken" before putting a piece of black cloth on his head and handing out some horrible penalties involving Sit N Goes. The ring-leader actually breaking down in the dock after being sentenced to 1500 non-turbo SNGs games to be played one at a time, with others in the gang getting between 200 and 700 double-or-nothings, harsh!

- World Series Of Poker Update

With some people winning bracelets, some other people winning bracelets and yet more people winning bracelets - you would be right to think that this years World Series of Poker is as dull as last - oh, and every other year. We urge you, dear Melted Felt readers, to think more positively. Yes we only have a couple more events to go before we can raise our glasses, smile broadly and thank whatever deity we worship that we did not have to listen to Phil Hellmuth go on and on about winning number 13 this year....

Don't forget to add us to your favorites!


Thursday, 1 July 2010

Melted Felt Launches 'Donkback' Today

A Historic announcement by any standards today, dearest Melted Felt readers, as we launch the world's only rakeback program totally and utterly dedicated to you, the loser.

With terms so good you will wish you had taken the free lightweight chip set instead, we will go far out of our way to ensure that we give you just enough cash to keep playing a little tiny bit longer.

Here at Melted Felt we understand.

We understand that life is not easy when all your friends are 'online pros, man' while you just suffer beat after beat. We understand that you have no idea how you managed to get rid of your entire bankroll playing heads-up pot-limit Omaha last night when you can only remember falling up the stairs and vommiting after returning from the club. We understand that it is not easy being a big donator to the online poker economy when all you ask is to just have a hand hold up towards the end of a tournament, just once in life.

Not only can we offer you exactly the same rates as everyone else, with the same free rolls you will not join and same annoying newsletters about rake-races you can not possibly compete in - we will let you calculate how much longer your bankroll will last with rakeback.

Just put numbers which are actually higher than the paltry limits at which you play into out 'Lose More Slowly Donkback Calculator' below and it will immediately consult our special algorythm which shows you just how much longer you have before another late night trip to the convinience store for the usual $50 pre-paid visa.

Don't worry, losers, if something strange happens and you suddenly work out how to win we can switch you over to a winners deal in no time, no time at all in fact.


PS: If you are looking for a real rakeback deal then I recommend Rakeback-Planet (why? Well, because I own it) there is an advert somewhere on the right hand column, it is blue, click it now and I'll sort you out!

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