Friday, 16 July 2010

As Dunst Temporarily Leads Main Event, A WSOP Bond Story...

With just 17,851 people left in the World Series Main Event on day 93, we bring you the shocking news that the chip leader, Tony Dunst appears to still be suffering from a strange delusion of bond-ness... playing and publishing under his online moniker 'Bond18'.

Now, while the two share poker in common, that is about all - not just the Dunst's well documented weed smoking here, I'm talking about the fact that he probably could not fight his way out of a wet paper bag - let alone take on evil terrorists...

Well, dear Melted Felt readers, after ruling our Tony, our thoughts started straying to which other poker celebs might fit the world of Bond, James Bond. So, we quickly scrambled to write an ill thought-through Bondesque plot based around the world series of poker.

To kick off we are going to need a bad guy - and I think Barry Greenstein could fit the bill perfectly here. We'll recast him as the evil Baron Von Greenstein who plans of taking all that lovely balla money and giving it to *gasp* smelly, uneducated poor people.

While we generally have a policy of not giving flattery to ex-model, tennis pro, super rich high stakes poker geniuses... Patrik Antonius did seem the obvious choice for Bond. Sent in by the British at the request of the CIA to save the world from Hippy ideals and return to the good old western moneygrabbing values which poker fans love.

Of course, Patrik gets jumped by a couple of 'goons' while looking for clues at the Rio. Yep, Joe Sebok and Gavin Smith jump him from behind at the buffet, resulting in a punch-up lasting a good 10 minutes in which various poker pros hired by Baron Von Greenstein take on our Bond, we have Humberto Brenes swinging a small shark, Daniel Negranu unleashing a chiwawa with sharpened razor teeth and poison spiked collar, Luke Swartz armed with a stolen cheese sandwich while Dave Ulliot spreads a huge can of bryl-cream onto the floor - bond being bond all are sprawled over the floor groaning by the end of the scene.

Just then Patrik sees Ivey sneaking out of the place and runs after him just in time to see him speed off in his ferrari!! This starts the obligitory car-chase scene, with our Bond jumping into a specially designed Aston Martin equipped with flame-thrower, lazers and an ICM calculator for those tricky short-stacked all-in situations. Being a bond flim, we then switch to Helicopters... while Ivey eventually gives Ivey the slip by hiding behind a giant craps table the Baron's hideout is located!

Annie, oh Annie, while king-fu rubber catsuited Duke would be a great Bond Villan for many *ahem* gentlemen past a certain age - in our WSOP Bond she is "M", looking slightly aghast at the actions of Bond, in the same way she does when listening to Hellmuth. No, wait a second, not quite that aghast... anyway M informs Patrik that there is a secret entrance to Von Greensteins lair - with an electronic key hidden within Tom Dwan's pink flamingo hat.

Even with a special invisibilty suit created by the mad 'Q' of Mike Caro, Patrik is unable to get close to Durrrrr due to hordes of teenage fans hovering waiting to swoon when their idol wins a hand, Tiffany Michelle, kidding herself that she is even close to bond-girl material, then manages to distract Dwan for a second by miraculously playing a poker hand quite well... enough for the hat to be knocked off and replaced with a copy... phew.

Into the basement of the Rio and Patrik finds a problem, the secret entrance to the Baron's lair has been completely blocked by Annette Obrestads stash of reserve tasty pies!

Not only that, we find out via high-tech spying gadgets, that there is a timer with red numbers with only 2 minutes to go!!! Next we get a point-of-view sequence of Patrik running through the Amazon room scattering chips, drinks and people as he goes... finally locating Mike Matesow and dragging him to the basement in just time to eat through the wall of pies blocking his progress.

The timer now shows just 1 minute before the evil plan to redistribute poker wealth kicks off... tense music plays, sweaty brows are mopped and pupils dialate.

Finally Antonius confronts the evil Baron Von Greenstein, the grinning Ivey by his side.

There is a problem though, they have a hostage, yes a helpless Shannon Elizabeth is tied to a table (calm down, dear readers) with a huge saw and drill contraption primed to slice her and dice her into poker chips with any movement, oh no!

With just 20 seconds to go our quick-thinking Bond brings out the secret weapon - his well polished Italian leather shoes are in fact speaker systems and inside the heels are prepared recordings of none other than, wait for it... the Hellmuth. Yes, as soon as the "well, 11 bracelets proves beyond doubt that I am the best poker player in the world... blah.... if luck were not involved...etc" started the evil Von Greenstein, Ivey and their gang were forced to flee -screaming, with their hands over their ears...


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