Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Essence - OnGame's New Rake Calcuation - Explained!

We are proud and humble in the service of you, the online poker community here at Melted Felt. Today we repay some of the loyalty and perseverance you have shown over countless bland, dumb and down right silly posts by revealing the core algebra behind the new Rake Calculation Method at OnGame known as Essence

It took some serious computing power, dear MF readers, with deep thought, the mandarax, 3 of those scary robot fish things from the Matrix and a rigged up chip set from a Commadore 64... but in the end we got there.

As it turned out the main determinants of how much rake you pay are whether you are a fish, a donkey, a whining unlucky loser who does not understand that he is a sh1t player and so berates everyone else at the same time as believing he is a winner (just 'whiner' for short), or a complete fvcking retard.

Here is how it works.

Say you are a fish, and sit at a table with 9 other fish, playing the internet pokerz... rake is taken at a rate which means most of you will never win a cent, just as it is at every other poker site... since you are all fish the benefit of this rake, in terms of points, bonuses and VIP levels is evenly split. That is our starting point.

Now we add a Donkey to the table. This donkey manages the seemingly impossible, and actually donates to the fish! So, compared to the Donkey the Fish are better, so even though they get raked enough to ensure they will never really profit, yet the Donkey gets more of the credit. It will not help of course, he will be busted before he ever gets enough points to buy that pair of super-tight Bwin Y-fronts from the online points store.

What happens when we now add to the mix 2 lose-passive 'whiners' and 1 complete fvcuking retard?

Well, the balance shifts again you see, the whiners will probably have rakeback deals in place and will have posted all over forums about how totally unfair it is when their portion of the rake has to go down just because they are the skilled players... of course, their rakeback actually rises, since their mistaken belief that their superior knowledge of strategy is real usually leads to them donating to the fish in the standard reload-berate-reload cycle.

Finally, our complete retard joins the whiners, fish and donkeys, calling all their cleverly constructed multi-street bluffs with 3rd pair because, well, there was nothing much on the TV. His wins accumulate, and now he finds it virtually impossible to clear his bonus due to not getting any credit at all for his rake.

Not that it really mattered, he was not aware he had a bonus in the first place and all those whiners have convinced him that WoW would be a much more entertaining passtime from now on.

Anyway, hope that clarifies, if you are from outside of the US I recommend those tables full of donkeys, whiners and fish at OnGame's Red Kings Poker (links to my SNG Planet review)... watch out for the occasional fvcking retards though!


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