Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Sebok Closes UB Investigation

In a news item just loves to throw kittens into wheely-bins, we bring you the dramatic news that Joe Sebok has officially closed his unofficial investigation into the scandal that rocked the poker world. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, it is now officially safe to pop over to Ultimate Bet, sit in a high-stakes cash game and, erm, bet.

After joining UB in the role of 'Clean-Cut Peoples Champion and Holder of the Big (though not at all Phallic) Golden Torch of Shining Justice', Sebok took it upon himself wear underwear on top, becoming the 'Peoples Poker Poet' a super-hero who would take the fight the dark evil mutant Hamiltonites for control of the planet Earth's very poker future, never to stop until he uncovered the 3 truths which the ancient prophesy spoke of:

1) The Names of The Superuser Accounts
2) Hand Histories N Stuff
3) The Names Of Those Responsible For Stashing Your Cash

Summing up 12 months on, Sebok, who always washed behind his ears and helps old ladies cross the road at least 3 times a week claimed success for item 1. With the names now published on some popular poker forums.

Item 2 caused a little more trouble for SuperSebok, after asking for the missing hand histories it turned out that a surly computer technician sucked air through his teeth, put hand on chin and quickly followed it with a drawn out "weeeelllll, the problem isss..." before pointing to the top right of the keyboard where there sat a key marked 'delete'. Unperturbed, MegaJoe went one step further and asked whether any minute magnetic traces of the histories could have been left on the servers hard drives? The answer came that, unfortunately, the 'Are You Sure?' Yes / No box would have doomed that one... oh well, 90% is not bad.

As for the names, we can only speculate to be genuine disappointment coming from Daniel Negreanu's dog Moshu that Annie (oh Annie!) was cleared by DNA testing at the CSI Vegas lab. Hellmuth was ruled out, superusers never turn up late wearing MMA costumes after all. A host of other names were ruled out which might have made this story a tad more interesting too, the list of names eventually published being about as interesting as who did '3rd Grip' or 'Assistant Dubbing Editor' in just about any movie you could think of.

So, the conclusion was... well, Russ dun it, with a bunch of others we have never heard of, it was $22 millionish in total and they were smart enough to get away with it for several years before anyone even figured something was amiss. Still, could never happen elsewhere could it, or could it?

For his next year long investigation, Joe is DETERMINED to find out which end of an earthworm is the head...

MF

PS: Good job Joe!

2 comments:

4betisthenew3bet said...

love your work dude. please keep them coming! this is the first one youv'e done which has made me laugh and p1ss me orf at the same time, not your content, just the content, or something, lol ;)
good work joe
mark for next UB rep..

(@_@)

Luke said...

He should be ashamed associating himself with that company. He whored himself out.

 
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