Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Brits Maintain Great Humor Traditions By Letting Hansen Win WSOPE Bracelet

Well, us Brits might have bad teeth, bad weather and a bad record at international sporting events… but one thing we can be very proud of is our tradition of drinking 8 pints of strong lager fast before kicking the shi [back on topic please – Ed], no, sorry, erm, I meant that we can be proud of our tradition of humor, that was it, you know – funny stuff.

The Brit-list contains the cream of people who sometimes make you laugh, including such names as Monty Python, Monty Python, and, erm, oh yeah - Monty Python… The poker world was in for a humor-overload this week as the London based staff of the WSOPE decided to have a bit of a chuckle – allegedly using fixed decks to let none other than Gus Hansen win the heads-up bracelet.

Hansen, who only very recently won his first ever pot in an online cash game, used to win poker tournaments way back – when opponents used to fold every time they did not have aces. As the poker world progressed and people realized what a continuation bet, semi bluff and squeeze actually were Hansen crumbled… going on a losing streak that would bankrupt players with less lucrative sponsorship deals.

According to staff the decision was made to let Hansen take the heads-up bracelet was made one night in the pub over a pint of wife-beater and packet of scampi flavored fries. “Well,” said Cherry, a single mother of six who was dealing cards as a nice quiet break from prostitution, “all these big names flashing the cash, we thought it would be fun to see if we could let the fish win for once” continuing, “did you like the 2 on the river? Brian thought of that half way through a kebab last Thursday.”

Well, the £288,000 first prize is certainly not chump change to most of us… apparently Ivey, Durrrr and Antonius are already considering a $2 million prop bet for whoever takes it from Gus first…


Monday, 27 September 2010

Back From Vacation – And Happy To See My WSOPE Horses Running Great!

I know, deep in my furred up veins, that you missed me dear Melted Felt readers. The good news is that I am now officially back from vacation… the not so good news is that the goings on in the poker world over the past 10 days are a mystery to me for the moment.

Fortunately, before leaving, I got a phone call from a couple of hard up poker players asking for a stake in the WSOPE main event. Well, even though I’m not usually one to spread my risk the players were not too bad – so I bought 20% of Viktor Blom and 25% of Phil Ivey, just to help them out a little you understand.

Turns out that they both had decent runs, wish I had not hung up on Gus Hansen now though when he asked me for 15% backing for the champions event.

Ah well, 2 out of 3 aint bad.

Will get the MF mole out to work and be right back with some incisive news soon!


Thursday, 16 September 2010

Britain’s Tom Broadbent To Set More Records Straight

Nobody likes a cheater, dear Melted Felt readers, and the BBC went out of there way to expose some a ring of poker colluders recently in such a way as to make millions of non-players turn their hands face up, shrug and say, ‘told you so’- even though they almost certainly did not tell this to anyone at all.

One man, by the name of Tom Broadbent, took his mild-mannered Englishness to the coast of Kuala-Lumpur, no, sorry, I meant all the way to China, to report collusion by the Chinese Olympic synchronized double or nothing team to their backers themselves – the Beijing Police force. Tom will go one better next month when he goes back to ask how the *cough* investigation is going.

Well, here at Melted Felt we think that Tom is doing a great, if utterly pointless, job. However, being carbon-friendly [we are?? – Ed], we would like to suggest that Mr B stops off in a futile attempt right some more wrongs, either on his way there or back - as preferred.

If possible Tom, could you please stop off in the Indian city of Mumbai – formerly Bombay – on the way and see if you can get a complaint in to the government there about their bleedin Bombay Duck. I don’t know about you but I am just sick of thinking some tender (if fatty) roasted poultry has been ordered – only to be served with a bit of stinking dried fish.

We realize it is a small diversion for you Tom, however it would be great if you could make a diversion to the USA – specifically Congress. Now, complaining that the majority of bathrooms do not actually contain a bath may seem like small-beer to you – however, with a little support from the Mid-West Bath Fitter’s lobby you’ll probably have more success than trying to teach the Chinese how to suck eggs.

In fact you could go east to west and then cross the pacific Tom – this way you could stop off in Japan and ask them for just one more apology for the war… oh goooo onnnn, please please please, one more apology wont hurt, will it now? We know damn well they had their fingers crossed behind their back last time. Maybe you could also get an apology for that f-in awful Hello Kitty while you are there, and scope out the possibility of an online pachinko game?

That should be enough to be going on with Mr B, if the DoN colluders thing goes badly you could always go down the ‘Dalai Lama supports poker collusion’ route, and see if you can do any better with that? Right, I'm off to take some powdered tiger paw medicine, it makes you unbeatable in Double or Nothing SNGs...


PS: I’m on vacation for a week starting tomorrow… I know you’ll miss me… be back before you know it!!

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Repetitive Strain Injury Association To Sponsor Pokerstars 50 Billionth Hand Promo?

In a news item that just subconsciously gave it’s right wrist a little rub, we can reveal that the Repetitive Strain Injury Association are ‘giving back’ to Pokerstars – by sponsoring the 50 Billionth hand promotion coming up soon.

By way of saying ‘thanks’ for the huge number of otherwise healthy young players developing incurable ailments including the truly painful DeQuervains syndrome or stenosing tenosynovitis – the RSI people have come up with a sponsorship package which will add cash to the pockets of many aspiring cripples.

While the winner of the 50 Billionth hand will get an honorary degree in Tennis Elbow studies – it is the cumulative points-based bonuses which caught our eye, these include:

- Play 10,000 hands during the month and receive an additional embossed ‘Carpal Tunnel Is Painful As Hell’ certificate.
- Those reaching 20,000 hands will receive some of the strongest painkillers available without prescription to help ease their cubital tunnel syndrome symptoms.
- Anyone clocking 50,000 hands will get a token to a freeroll in which they can win a home help for a whole year. This will be great for helping with those everyday tasks the winners can no longer carry out – such as getting dressed, eating breakfast and wiping their own a$$.

In other news the RSI society have announced a special poker controller which is designed to cope with the twin vices of online gambling and p0rn. The amazing innovation to be released soon is known as the Poker C0cktroller – and will enable multi-tabling at the same time as cracking one off… all in a wrist-friendly setup.

Sounds almost too good to be true to me, dearest Melted Felt readers, I recommend you get clicking right away – after all, if you just had average luck you’d crush the games at the same time as permanently damaging your wrists!


Sunday, 12 September 2010

International Relief As 'Theory Of Poker' Burning Cancelled

Poker players in violent nations worldwide breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, dear Melted Felt readers. As pastor John Cleese, no, erm, I mean Terry Jones, did not in fact go ahead with the burning of their sacred text – Sklansky’s ‘Theory Of Poker’.

Jone’s plan had already drawn criticism from around the world, with poker players in Afganistan actually stopping making roadside bombs for long enough to attempt a raid on a local distributor of ‘Harrington On Holdem’

Obama himself criticized the planned burning, publicly stating that everyone knew that playing your hand differently to how you would play it if you knew what your opponent held was an issue of national security. Later calling for a new hardback edition of ‘Supersystem’ with added chapters in Budugi and Capped PLO game strategy to help strengthen the generally f-ked up economy.

It seems that instead of completely canceling the burning, Pastor Michael Palin, no, sorry, I meant Terry Jones, had left open the option of setting fire to the seminal poker-tome at some later date. Suggesting that it can be correct in some circumstances to turn down a positive expectation bonfire of books, in order to have a higher expectations on future literary pyres… mind you, he might have been bluffing.


Thursday, 9 September 2010

Re-Usable High Stakes Online Poker News Template

Are you a blogger? Writer for a popular poker news site? Writer for a non-popular poker news site which simply copies articles from the popular news sites? Forum ‘expert’ on the high stakes action???

Well, even if you are just an interested player – grab a coin and a dice* and enjoy or generic – and oh so slightly random - high stakes review article that you can use again and again, they'll never know the f-in difference.

During this article creation template we will randomize both the players, size of wins and the dull coin-flip and equity based easy calls which get reported as news.

This is where your dice* comes in handy, take flip of your coin for the 'heads' or 'tails' list and roll a number choose from the players below each time a player is required in your article, if you duplicate then just roll again:

Heads List:

1 – Tom ‘Durrrr’ Dwan
2 – Gus Hansen
3 – Phil Ivey
4 – Cole South
5 – Brian Hastings
6 – Ziigmund

Tails List:

1 – Jungleman12
2 – Phil Galfond
3 – Patrik Antonius
4 – David Oppenheim
5 – Isildur1
6 – URnotINdanger2

Next we give a summary, detailing ‘last nights action’, note we will fill this up with adjectives which make the completely dull action sound exciting!

In enthralling night of high stakes action some massive pots changed hands, the eye-watering PLO and NLHE games saw many fantastic 5 figure pots and some amazing soul-reads. When the dust settled {Player X}, {Player Y} and {Player Z} were the big winners of the night with {Player A} finishing the session a cool {roll the dice* here then add 5 random figures} so, $591,318 ahead. With the biggest losers being {Player B} and {Player C}, who lost an eye-watering (Roll + 5 random digits again) bringing their total loss for the month to (multiply last nights loss by 2.38).

(Next we mention some specific big hands, and go into the play a little without actually explaining the thinking)

One huge pot came up in the No Limit Holdem match between {Player X} and {Player G}. X opened from the button with (insert mid strength hand here) and was 3 bet by G, the flop came (insert any reasonably draw heavy board here) giving player A top pair and a flush draw, player G lead for the pot and player X re-raised all in. When the dust settled player G’s flop set of 6’s was not good enough to beat the nut flush and the pot of (Roll+5 random figures) was pushed player X’s way.

(1 or two more of these required to flesh out the article, dear Melted Felt readers, if you can include some coin-flip type PLO hands then all the better.)

We end with a quick summary of who is up and down on the week and on the month – this again requires your coin and dice* combination. My last suggestion is to roll the dice 3 times to get a big score – and then put this next to Gus Hansen’s name as a monthly ‘down’, it should add that plausibility to your article and stop people questioning the rest of the piece… not that they will, in fact you can produce the same article over and over and the average high stakes fans will be none the wiser.


Monday, 6 September 2010

Stephen Hawking Declares Universe Created Without Poker Gods

Monday metaphysics, dear Melted Felt readers? Or would you prefer I just continue with the usual shocking run of made up poker news?

Well, I don't know about you, but I have had to rethink my entire existence this weekend... after famously brainy raspberry-ripple Stephen Hawking managed to explain how the universe could exist without any form of poker gods.

Now you just do not find that many atheists in the fox-holes of getting rivered. Though you will find the occasional poker-agnostic of course, however they are soon forced to believe by the sheer brute force of set-over-set, runner-runner flushes and unexplainable 2-pairs. Believers, like me, who put our faith and livelihoods into pleasing the poker-gods that they do not cold-deck us too often are quite simply having a hard time believing that they had no part at all in the creation of the universe.

I mean, look around our planet and see how much good you see... how little war and hatred, how few hungry people or crime, how tiny the number of children dying from easily preventable diseases while others waste and indulge... and you will see that our planet just had to be created by a benign and loving super-natural deity. Erm, wait a second there, yeah, I'll just go get 1 or 2 of those claims verified, a minor detail, really - I'll be right back - you just carry on believing folks, its ok to keep hating those who don't believe the same way as you for the moment while I check, just leave it with me and somehow keep genuinely believing you are a 'force for good'- ok?

So, Mr Stephen nurse-fiddling Hawking... how do you explain the $3 rebuy without the need for an all-seeing deity?? How do you explain Phil Hellmuth without bringing previous-lives into the equation? What about Hamilton? How did he not make a pact with the poker-gods arch-enemy?

I'm laying out a challenge right here and right now Stevey-boy - come around my house, lets debate the whole issue...over a cup of tea (bring your own tube please) and if we can not agree that the poker-gods were definitely f-in required to create the universe by 5'o Clock, we can have an arm-wrestle to decide...ok??


Thursday, 2 September 2010

Dorothy Pemberton, 87, Accidentally Buys The Cereus Poker Network

In a poker news post which only shows a profit because it hides bad loan provisions off balance-sheet, we can today bring you an exclusive interview with the new owner of the Cereus Poker Network - Mrs Dorothy Pemberton (known as 'Dot' to her friends) - who accidentally bought the entire network in a moment of confusion while popping out to the shops for some prunes.

It was an easy mistake to make for Dot, who bakes cakes for charity events which can only be described as unguessably heavy. One minute she was getting in peoples way in aisle 2 of the local supermarket when a special 2 for 1 on incontinence pads caught her eye. While trying to get the attention of a lovely young man walking past to ask for the price, Dot accidentally knocked the Cereus Poker Network into her basket... confusion over that new-fangled decimal money kept her distracted at the checkout, so it was not until She got home and started unpacking her tartan wheeley trolley that the poker network purchase error was realized.

"Well deary, I did not know what to make of it at first," said Dot over a nice cup of overly milky Earl Grey tea, "I mean, what do I want with the 6th largest online poker site - when traffic is aggregated of course..." continuing, "that nice Phil Hellmuth contracted to me, can you imagine it" Dot chuckled before, "well, I did consider applying for a French license of course dears, but those Frenchies just can not be trusted you know, only the other day my friend Phylis lost her walking frame you know, and she has some Polish living two doors down".

Finally able to get a word in edgeways, We enquired as to the outcome of Dot's deliberations.

"Biscuit dear? Oh yes, well, of course I already sold it on deary - last week in fact, to that nice Mr Hamilton down at the Bingo club, ever so nice he is, a real charmer... in fact he said it was for his wife, Bianca or something she is called? Or was it Blanca? lemon slice anyone?"


Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Gus Hansen Wins Hand In Online Cash Game

We specialize in bringing you the shocking side of poker news, dear Melted Felt readers. Today we will go beyond shocking, turn left at the traffic lights just after amazing, travel 3 miles before leaving at the intersection marked incredible - and then order a big portion of jaw-droppingly unbelieveable, with large fries and a diet coke at the drive through window of completely awe-struck [Thats enough of that cr*p, get on with the story - Ed]

Last night, as often happens, the high stakes poker pros logged on to Full Tilt to play some hands with pot sizes which seem too big to be real - but actually are. The usual stuff happened, Dwan lost a pot to Ivey, the won one from South, Who lost one to Antonius, who won one from Hansen and so on.

Then, something incredible happened. Something that the poker world had really not expected - Gus Hansen actually won a pot - in a cash game!! Here is how the high-stakes action went down:

It started when Hansen raised 3 times the $400 big blind from the C/O and was called by Dwan in the big blind. The Flop came down 4-7-Q with 2 hearts and Dwan Checked his option. Hansen now fired 1650 into the pot of $2600 - Dwan thought for a moment and made the call - bringing the pot close to $5,000. The turn brought a harmless looking 2 of clubs, and Dwan once again checked. This time Hansen bet $3450 into the pot and Tom Dwan folded - shipping the pot Hansens way!!

Twitter sprang to life immediately, the forums buzzed with the news - railbirds worldwide sat open mouthed at their screens.. little bits of dribble oozing from the corner of their mouths.

Was it a mis-click, did Hansen really win a pot in a cash game? Am I dreaming...

We think this could very well mark a turning point for the Danish Pro, who, according to the voices in our head, has lost more than $200,000,000 this month alone at the cash tables. We expect to see videos, tedious poker news site write ups and innane forum commentary on insignificant pots at any time now....


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