Thursday, 16 September 2010

Britain’s Tom Broadbent To Set More Records Straight

Nobody likes a cheater, dear Melted Felt readers, and the BBC went out of there way to expose some a ring of poker colluders recently in such a way as to make millions of non-players turn their hands face up, shrug and say, ‘told you so’- even though they almost certainly did not tell this to anyone at all.

One man, by the name of Tom Broadbent, took his mild-mannered Englishness to the coast of Kuala-Lumpur, no, sorry, I meant all the way to China, to report collusion by the Chinese Olympic synchronized double or nothing team to their backers themselves – the Beijing Police force. Tom will go one better next month when he goes back to ask how the *cough* investigation is going.

Well, here at Melted Felt we think that Tom is doing a great, if utterly pointless, job. However, being carbon-friendly [we are?? – Ed], we would like to suggest that Mr B stops off in a futile attempt right some more wrongs, either on his way there or back - as preferred.

If possible Tom, could you please stop off in the Indian city of Mumbai – formerly Bombay – on the way and see if you can get a complaint in to the government there about their bleedin Bombay Duck. I don’t know about you but I am just sick of thinking some tender (if fatty) roasted poultry has been ordered – only to be served with a bit of stinking dried fish.

We realize it is a small diversion for you Tom, however it would be great if you could make a diversion to the USA – specifically Congress. Now, complaining that the majority of bathrooms do not actually contain a bath may seem like small-beer to you – however, with a little support from the Mid-West Bath Fitter’s lobby you’ll probably have more success than trying to teach the Chinese how to suck eggs.

In fact you could go east to west and then cross the pacific Tom – this way you could stop off in Japan and ask them for just one more apology for the war… oh goooo onnnn, please please please, one more apology wont hurt, will it now? We know damn well they had their fingers crossed behind their back last time. Maybe you could also get an apology for that f-in awful Hello Kitty while you are there, and scope out the possibility of an online pachinko game?

That should be enough to be going on with Mr B, if the DoN colluders thing goes badly you could always go down the ‘Dalai Lama supports poker collusion’ route, and see if you can do any better with that? Right, I'm off to take some powdered tiger paw medicine, it makes you unbeatable in Double or Nothing SNGs...


PS: I’m on vacation for a week starting tomorrow… I know you’ll miss me… be back before you know it!!

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