Sunday, 31 October 2010

5 Scariest Poker Celebs

Well, its Halloween, a meaningless historical artifact loved by candy manufacturers and Chinese factories which specialize in the mass-production of plastic sh1t. What better then, dear Melted Felt readers, than to jump on the bandwagon of journalistic clichés and come up with something, well, a bit scary?

Here we go then, the Melted Felt 5 scariest poker celebs

#1 – Phil Hellmuth, Terrifying innocent bystanders with his flappy jowel this all hallows eve, Big Phil costumes are a sure-fire winner for a bumper candy collection. Just the merest hint of a perceived threat of possibly unleashing the awesome dark powers of the Hellmuth ego are enough to leave the living trembling in their carpet-slippers.

#2 – Gus Hansen, Already regularly mistaken for Skeletor from 80’s cartoon favorite ‘Masters of the Universe’, Hansen’s ability to haunt is actually supplied from special evil rays which he collects through his ears. The only way to stop this threat to sensible global pre-flop hand selection would be stop the rays themselves - by breaking into the Carlsberg brewery, Denmark’s most heavily fortified installation.

#3 – Luke Schwartz. Lock up your daughters and, erm, cheese sandwiches this Halloween, dear Melted Felt readers – as Fullflush1 may just be unleashed. Such evil lurks that merely denying this Englishman some seasonal candy could result in the disaster of having a tag spray-painted on your wall.

#4 – Tony G. To some, Tony is a talkative super-hero who does his best to regularly save the world from the evil twins of Peace and Quiet using a stream of largely nonsensical banter… Don’t be fooled, dear Melted Felt readers, behind the mask of joviality lurks a sharp mind with many business interests. While using his entertaining blog as a front, the evil genius of the Tony is looking to take over the poker world, using M&A activities, maybe.

#5 – Dan Harrington. While we are unable to confirm rumors that recent hall of fame entrant Harrington has been dead for almost a decade. We can certainly certify that one look at Dan’s super-pale complexion is enough to leave real ghosts cowering behind Phil Ivey for protection. Our advisory for readers is not to approach Harrington at any point this Halloween before reading ‘Harrington on Trick or Treating, volume 3’ cover to cover.

Just remembered a post from a couple of years ago about a guy who dropped out of college to become a trick or treating pro… you can read it Right Here


Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Quick Fire Wednesday - Poker News Roundup

Time for another quick-fire round up of the online poker news, dear Melted Felt readers, as we reach the middle of a week in which bots were banned, the French rioted and Phil Ivey shocked the world by admitting for the first time that he may actually have a dick, no, erm, we mean might actually be tiltable.

- First up 100's of poker bots are to appeal against their ban from Full Tilt this week, on the grounds that they are actually good for the game. The software-based poker players argue that by providing liquidly to the games and generating a ton of rake, that they are actually contributing to the poker economy and a making money for the poker room. Sounds uncannily like the argument used by the rakeback grinders to me... ah well, at least the bots occasionally make bets without a set.

- Next news that French historians have been called on to do a 'Charles-de-Gaul job', and fast. After a German living in London won the French Championship Of Online Poker, the nation of onion selling soap-dodgers were appauled. Calling on their historians was the obvious option, after all they did a great job of convincing the entire French population that the US and UK were absolutely nothing to do with their liberation at the end of WW2... so 'frenchifying' the FCOOP should be a piece of gateaux.

- Phil Ivey made the news this week, after a craps session in the Wynne he was reported as, well, tilting really - handing out obscenties and all that. Now, since we know it is possible I'd like to announce a special Melted Felt contest. Simply be the first to tilt Ivey at the poker tables any time between now and the 26th October 2010 - and I will personally give you a fully trained adult live Sealion. Now, come on folks, what other poker blog offers prizes like that?


Monday, 25 October 2010

Inaugural “Rush Poker Live” Event Hailed As A Success

A strange mixture of poker players, athletes and body builders descended upon an aircraft hangar in California yesterday afternoon, for the first ever “Rush Poker Live” event. Just over two thousand players took part , and the aim was to whittle down that number to just nine in forty-five minutes.

The event worked like this. All the players started off sat at a table, but the moment the player wasn’t involved in the current hand, he was free to join another table. These tables were marked by a person standing on the table with a paddle saying “seats available”. The race to these tables was survival of the fittest, and a free for all. The moment that table was full, another table would become available.

It was frenetic and fun.

The Jamaican athlete Usain Bolt was the most active player in the first twenty minutes, but found himself out of the tournament when he was disqualified after one of his trademark poses managed to poke Gus Hansen in the eye, putting Hansen on the sidelines too.

Injuries were commonplace, and the fact that there were only two fatalities in the whole event was greeted with a general thumbs-up, as the Vegas line was set at five and a half.

There was a shock at the final table, as Doyle Brunson took his seat. When asked how he did it, he said “Well, I folded seven-nine off in the first hand of the day, and I haven’t played a damned hand since.”

The final table was a much calmer affair, amid the spotlight of the cameras, and the groans of the injured. Brunson and his short stack went soon, and the final three were Helmut von Huerdigen, a weightlifter from Bavaria, KipKoech Kipka, a middle distance runner from Kenya and Clark Kent, a newspaper reporter from Metropolis, USA.

The winner was Clark Kent, who won very easily in the end. Von Huerdigen, the runner-up, congratulated him by saying, “Well done. You were very good. It was almost as if you could see our cards!”

A great days entertainment and I’m sure it won’t be the last.


PS: This was a quality guest post from blogger Nick aka 'Cloudyman'- who is doing a fundraiser for the UK's premier childrens hospital - Great Ormond Street (happens to have had an important role in my own family history). To check out his endeavors and challenge him in return for your donation visit:

Friday, 22 October 2010

Now On Pre-Order: Harrington On Poker Halls Of Fame, Vol 1

Do not be frightened, dearest Melted Felt readers, it was not a ghost, ghoul or ghastly apparition you just saw – just the friendly yet pale face of former WSOP winner and prolific author Dan Harrington.

You see, Action Dan just got admitted to the ultimate poker players club – the poker hall of fame. According to the ever reliable source of those voices in our head, no sooner was the entry confirmed than the short-dial button to Bill Roberty was clicked and yet another book started.

Yes, dear readers for just $29.95 you can be the proud order of ‘Harrington On Halls Of Fame – Volume 1’. Here is a sneak preview of the contents:

- Harrington’s ‘H’, how the changing H score affects your strategy at various times during your quest to enter a hall of fame.
- Different types of bluff and how to effectively deceive your opponents concerning the strength of your hall of fame claim.
- Nomination Odds, how to adjust your bet sizing to ensure you see the best possible nomination odds by the river.
- Judge Texture, Dan the man explains how the make up of the judging panel combines with the strength of your hand to influence how much money you *ahem* need to *cough* “bet”.
- How To Get Bill Robertie to write yet another book for you, by merely hinting at a possible mere mention of those polaroid latex gimp suit pictures from 1983.

I’m looking forward to the advanced strategy in volume 2, which details how to build a huge highly leveraged empire in real estate – which as everyone knows, only ever goes up in price… no, wait….


Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Poker Joy As 100’s FINALLY Get To Say, “Told You So!”

It is not often we get to report on occasions of unbridled joy and mass rejoicing, dear Melted Felt readers – and no, I am not referring to Foxwoods managing to turn 2 fishes and 5 loaves into 23 tournament payouts either… News emerged this week of another scandal at Cereus Poker, horray!

For those convinced that Cereus was rotten to the core it has been a long hard 2-year stint of no conclusive evidence of much at all. A worthy and thorough investigation by UB’s head of not being gay Joe Sebok, turned up not much more than an extended list of the Ids used. False alarms on forums often turned out to be disgruntled multi-accounters whose 15 year old brother accomplice got caught… it was bleak.

Now, a collective sigh of relief, those holding their breath can breathe freely again* and those who dedicated their time and efforts into making forum posts pointing out the similarities between Cereus and the 3rd Reich can now feel like their pitiful existences had some meaning after all – there have been calls of cheating – “WE TOLD YOU SO!!!”
*at this point in the post I’d like to pass on the condolences of Melted Felt to the relatives of Bryan T, 22 from NJ – who held his breath after reading the NoiNoi story and kind of forgot to ever breathe again.

It turns out that the bad-beat jackpot is under the spotlight by the new owners, who are asking some seriously legal / contractual questions such as, “was it rigged, eh?” and, “Where is the money, then?”.

What is best of all is that, in the good old fashioned system used by supernatural diety worshipers everywhere – the challenge is to prove a negative… prove that its not rigged folks, just show show show us!

Right, enough writing here for me…. I’m off to tell lots of people who have no strong feelings one way or the other that I f-in well Told ‘em so, before working out the true ev of my Keno play over the last 4 years and putting in a claim, maybe.


Monday, 18 October 2010

Poker World Baffled As Nobody Wins Sunday Majors

The poker world was left scratching its collective head this morning, dear Melted Felt readers, trying to work out how come nobody won any of the Sunday majors. Journalists were left with their clichés hanging in mid-air, railbirds were puzzled as to what happened while they stepped out for a moment to go to the kitchen and the poker sites themselves were at a loss to say who they actually shipped the money to.

Pokerstars Sunday Million was the biggest mystery of all. It was all going to plan as we got down to the final table, a couple of pro grinders fighting it out with the remaining donks. As the final table was formed muffled cheers came from all over the world, with those hacks ready with their ‘Player X put Y to the ultimate test’ and ‘made the call, flipping up’ ready to be cut and pasted into their write up.

Then, well, everyone kind of lost interest. They got up and wandered off, some popped out for a smoke, others munched a tasty snack. Somehow nobody could be bothered to come back, and when the game was cancelled, well, that was no big deal.

Over at Full Tilt the Monthly million suffered a similar fate. Curiously, since there were no big names left for the final table, the railers switched off and went to bed. For some reason this set up enough momentum for the players to start doing them same. Howard Lederer, then looked up from counting yet another of his gigantic piles of cash, saw that there was nobody left and casually hit the off switch.

At Party Poker the 300k seemed to be going fine, with limping pre-flop causing the fold button to disappear for the rest of the hand as usual. During the final the 2 British players wandered off to make a cup of tea, the Nordic guys stopped playing to watch a replay of the Man U match, the Frenchy went on strike and the lone German realized that he lost all his chips while the blinds were 50 / 100 and finally stopped hitting the raise button.

Well, dearest readers, I always knew that conspiracy theories were actually created by governments to keep us from the real truth, and that, erm, proves it.


Thursday, 7 October 2010

Would You Join The MFCOOP?

Seems to me that there is a COOP, TOPS or, erm, OC every five minutes these days, dear Melted Felt readers. Not just the big events any more, regional / language OOPS, mini-TOPs and championships played at poker sites which have f-all players too.

Well, the thing is these events are getting dull, looking at the schedules used to be interesting – you could see what was different this time. Now the schedules are pretty much all the same, they have become a list of numbers.

So, dear readers, I pondered how we might make an online poker tournaments championship a little more interesting – and came up with the idea that it should mimic real-life better than the existing events. My COOP would be tailored to different player types, with special structures to suit different types of degenerates… my question is; will you be joining us for the MFCOOP?

MFCOOP Schedule Of Events

Event #1 - $215 Stoned No-Limit Holdem Super-Deep Stack Knockout (3 Year Event)

Especially for players who love a bowl during their synchronized breaks, this event acknowledges that life is great when you are stoned, and that all those idiots who actually leave their homes to have social interactions, work and enjoy sporting events (for example) ‘just don’t get it, man’.

Entry requirements are that this is for players between 18 and 22 years of age (too few who still think smoking is cool after this). This is a super-deep stacked event, and as players get knocked out a sign will come up saying ‘Quit The Weed, Joined Rat Race - Sigh’. Just like in real life a big group will start the game, leaving one at a time until there is just one stoner alone in 3 years time wondering why they have no friends, no prospects, no qualifications and no money. First prize is a 6 month supply of the very best lung-cancer medication.

Event #2 – $109 Rigged Fixed Limit Holdem

Well, so many players think that poker is rigged that I thought the MFCOOP should go out of its way to prove them right. This event will feature river cards so horrible that a little bit of sick will involuntarily jump into the back of your throat. Straight-flushes will regularly hit, ruining flopped quads, aces will always appear when you hold kings – and the worst hand will somehow get there. Making it fixed-limit should ensure the maximum number of chat-box whiners as we will see a lot of rivers.

Event #3 - $530 Nits Pot-Limit Omaha

This one is specially designed for players who fold 95% of hands in PLO games, raising only aces and then refusing to fold them. Since this play alerts aware opponents to your hand while the bets are small, allowing them to call with any 4 cards to try and outdraw you, we needed to balance things out a little. To make things more interesting I thought we should add another 26 aces to the deck for this event, ensuring that players who think that an A-A-3-7 rainbow is good for calling a huge pot bet on the river of a 9-10-J-Q-Q board with flush possible can get full value for their money, or maybe not.

Only 3 events and this post is already looooonngggg

I did have several more ideas – will save them for another post.


Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Quick Fire Tuesday - A Poker News Roundup

A quick fire bullet point in your face round up today, Dear Melted Felt readers. News is coming in thick and fast… starting with some sad news about the Bogdog Poker Open.

- Yes, dear readers, the scheduled events as sh1te poker site Bogdog’s premier online poker tournament festival were supposed to be 3 handed. However, one of Bogdog’s 3 players has called in sick with a bit of a sore throat and a general all-over ache… meaning that the events will have to be heads-up. Shame, as someone would have had a lucrative bye to the final table of the actual heads-up event.

- Beavers ran for safety last week as angry North Westerners lashed out after being banned from Pokerstars by some f-cked up judges in Washington State. News on the grapevine is that use of Proxies and other technology is working well – forcing Stars to put measures in place to catch the crafty north-west folks. This includes a logoed ‘booster shoe’ in the VIP store, having one leg shorter than the other up there these guys simply can not resist the chance to have something stop them walking round in circles – and so try to order the 5 inch elevated left shoes… getting themselves banned in the process. Rumor has it that Stars are developing special software to spot players with permanently open dribbling mouths too….

- David Vamplew took down the EPT London this week for a cool £900,000 – I estimate this as around £100,000 short of the amount such an ugly looking geek might need to actually get laid (bitter? Who me?!)

- Finally, Carlos Mortensen has been chosen to captain the Spanish team for the World Team Poker event. Other team members include Carlos Mortensen, C Mortensen, Mr Mortensen and some guy called Carlos M… while it is hoped some other players from Spain will actually understand poker in time for the event, the evidence we have seen online makes this outcome extremely doubtful…


Friday, 1 October 2010

Nits Up In Arms After FTP Change Rake Calculation

It is not often you hear from nits, dear Melted Felt readers, usually they are just there – clicking away mining sets and generally alerting anyone who is half awake to fold fast when they do eventually bet. Today the nits are out in force, standing alongside the rocks and short-stackers to cry ‘foul’ at the latest changes over at Full Tilt Poker.

These changes involve the way that rake is calculated. Whereas previously you only had to be dealt into the hand to receive a tasty morsel of rakeback – now you have to actually contribute to the pot before chomping a bolus of change. Not only that, the size of your contribution to the pot will now determine what proportion of the rake comes to you.

In other words, instead of getting everyone else’s rake, players will only get that good old fashioned 27% of their own rake back. If I were head of a marketing department I’d come up with a catchy – yet short – term for this system… maybe ‘Rakeback’ would work well?

Making playing at 8/6 over 16 tables unprofitable will probably loosen up the games and make them more profitable for those players who actually enjoy playing poker. Though as we found out speaking to ‘Jed’ from MN, it has left the careers of some players in tatters.

“My story started back in 2005”, began Jed, “I dropped out of business school after realizing that it was possible to make a great living by clicking the ‘fold’ button at Full Tilt Poker”. Pausing to pull a particularly annoying hair from his nostril, Jed continued, “I started off folding at 5c / 10c and worked my way up to not playing many hands at $1 / $2 where folding could earn me a great hourly rate”. The bitterness apparent as our pro continued, “I was living the American fcking dream, exercising my constitutional right to sit in a dark room for 12 hours a day with extremely poor personal hygiene as a professional ‘folder’”

We put it to Jed that the solution was simple – he just needed to play a few more pots, maybe a 12 /10 or 14/9 kind of style ought to do it?

He just stared at us blankly for what seemed like seconds, before shrugging and admitting that – like all the other professional folders – he never actually learned how to play poker, and after all, the games are getting tougher and tougher…

If you are a nit affected by this decision please feel free to write and tell is how you managed to delude yourselves that you were positive contributors to the poker economy for so long, after reading all the crap here at Melted Felt, we could do with a laugh.


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