Sunday, 18 August 2013

The Very Model Of A Modern Rake Professional

It's celebration time here at the sprawling megolopolis which is Melted Felt HQ. You see, the more *serious* side of the poker press (properly serious you understand, not just compared to the banal waffling which is Melted effing Felt)... have finally caught on that Rakeback is, well, a really sh1t revenue model. I was saying this 4 years ago folks, in my more *serious* sites as well as right here. You looked at me like I was some form of idiot back then (probably true, but that's another story). Now, 4 years later, Amer-i-c-a finally catches on...and starts with the anti-rakeback articles - 'it could never have worked!' they proudly proclaim, like it is some sort of revelation... duh, well, who-d-a-fuvking-though-it???

I know, I know - dear Melted Felt readers - every single one of you woke up this morning thinking the same damn thing... when (oh, when) will Melted Felt re-write the Major General's song from HMS Pinafore to relate (and we mean really relate) to the life of a rakeback poker professional??

Well, we could pretend to be shocked at the co-incidence of all of you waking up thinking the same thing... or we could just crack on with those lyrics, dear little buttercups.

The Modern Rake Professional's Song.
By Gilbert, Sullivan and, erm, Mark

I am the very model of a modern rake-professional,
I've information, HUDs, and reads, and poker moves positional,
I know the kings from aces, and I quote the odds historical
From flushes, straights to gutshots, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand fold equity, both simple and quadratical,
About the zeebo theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts on reverse implied odds for you.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I read the poker book which detailed mathematic-us:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.

I know the poker history, Moneymakers's and Doyle Brunson's;
I delight in value towning, I've a pretty taste to check the nuts,
I quote in online forums, the crimes of Russel Hamiltons,
In chat I diss the fishes, berate donkeys and the donators;
I can tell undoubted poker pros from mouthy novice wannabies,
I know the croaking chorus saying 'rigged!' bemoaning oh-the Jokerstars!
Then I can smell a bluff attempt on which 3rd pair I hit afore,
And 'ty' in the chatbox as the pot is shipped to me of course.
Then I can write a bar bill in megalithic size and form,
And tell you ev'ry detail of dancers sequined uniform:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.


PS: No complaints, or I'll do the phantom of the f-in opera...

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