Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Lee Jones Resigns From Cake – The Real Story?

Shocking news, dear Melted Felt readers, to accompany your 4th portion of turkey curry and descent into all those horrible soft-centered chocs which nobody on the whole fvcking planet actually likes. I am referring to the resignation of Lee Jones, respected poker industry insider, published author and serial job-hopper who has suddenly left his position at Cake Poker.

Jones high profile job doing, erm, something vital or other was both extremely important and extra-high powered at Cake – so much so that he had a big job title, a really huge chair and was respected by all his peers who hoped to reach his level one day and do, well, whatever he does? Replying to forum threads, Jones would spell out the bright future for the Cake poker network, dashing any notions that things might be awry, promising to fix any player issues in double quick time - oh, and quite possibly to come round and beat you fvcking senseless if you insulted his customer service team, you scrawny little sh1t.

Such was his influence that several announcements were made concerning ‘great stuff’ which was going to happen ‘really soon’ and would be absolutely fantastic when it did finally occur!

Well, soon just never seemed to get here and *boom* Lee Jones is papering over those gaps in his CV once more as he returns to the job market, citing ‘disagreements’ with the management as the reason for his abrupt departure.

Speculation is currently running wild on various forums and blogs across the interweb. Could it be that there is not enough money to pay players? Something to do with the legislative efforts and Harry Reid bill perhaps? Could it be that Jones’ woke up one morning and actually realized that the Cake Software was sh1t? Payment processing getting too hard that they can no longer cope? You name the reason, and it was suggested.

We would like to speculate that the real truth was far more down to earth, dear Melted Felt readers… that Lee suddenly realized that the glowing respect of the upper management he thought enjoyed was not quite what it seemed. It all came down to the question of why… why oh why did they send him the latest Loreal Curling Tongs and Rehydrating Hot Oil hair treatment set as his Christmas gift??


Thursday, 23 December 2010

The Melted Felt Year In Review 2010 Part #2

I was going to start this post with something profound about watched pots, checking your watch every 5 minutes and watching the watchmen, Dear Melted Felt readers, then again… thought that maybe I should just crack on with the review of the year from roughly where the last piece left off.

July: Paul the octopus may have been murdered by residents of several countries, dear readers, however he had nothing on our slug, who in June of this year predicted the winner of the Sunday Million. In other news a team of Double-Or-Nothing colluders in China were awarded medals and promoted to senior positions within the Politburo.

August: A security flaw at Cake Poker was fixed after high stakes players revealed that you could see actually the reflection of cards as they were being dealt on Lee Jone’s head. There was also a spat this month between poker pros Daniel Negreanu and Annie Duke… using the ‘c-word’.

September: Gus Hansen hit the news twice in Sept of 2010, firstly for winning his first ever hand at the online poker tables – after loosing a record 2,176,103 hands in a row to other high stakes pros. The Brits (hey, that’s me!) showed their great sense of humor at the end of the month by letting the Danish pro win a WSOPE bracelet… hehe.

October: Nits revolted this month as Full Tilt changed their rake calculation to 'contributed'… rather than paying hordes of micro grinders an insultingly low hourly age for folding 98% of hands over 16 tables. We also got our geopolitics all amiss for a while after a German living in London won the inaugural FCOOP.

November: Well, Tony G failing to win Eastgates WSOP bracelet for his dog caught our attention for a bit… oh and the November 9 was eventful for Joseph Cheong’s blow up! First non-Hockey thing Canada have won, like, ever – at least according to this post!

December: Going to be careful here, as I am not sure it is possible to review a month you are still in without getting into some kind of loop. Going to be careful here, as I am not… only joking – this was the liveliest month of the year in the poker news – what with talk of a 15 month blackout in the Harry Reid bill, that particular scenario seems to have passed… though with US politics you just never know!

Looking forward to news-filled 2011… come back soon for our suggestions for your 2011 poker resolutions.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

The Melted Felt 2010 Year In Review

Time flies, but aeroplanes crash as the saying goes, as another poker year draws to a close. It was the year in which you nearly broke through, the year where just a couple of coin-flips made all the difference, a year where you would have moved up levels to where they respect your raises – if only your luck had held out one fvcking time to allow you to build the bankroll to do so…

Enough about you (and don’t worry, I wont tell anyone!), this post is to take our traditional yearly look backwards and see what was making the poker news headlines through the year.

Jan: Poker changed for ever at the start of the year, when the ever innovative Full Tilt introduced Rush Poker, allowing players to bleed off their bankrolls a few cents at a time in rake faster than ever before. Don’t worry! The players collectively shout, we have rakeback which allows us to bleed off our bankrolls in rake somewhat slower than we otherwise would.

Feb: A storm in a teacup blew into a hurricane this about ‘Bumhunters’ this month on a popular poker forum… referring to heads-up players who deliberately spend their time looking for fish, rather than wasting time playing other grinders. It will go down in poker history as the point where trying to make a profit became, ‘uncool’… on a brighter note we did have a look at the
best poker energy drinks too.

March: This month saw the robbery of the EPT in Berlin – in which a million was stolen by masked armed men. They caught one, who squealed like a stuck pig – ensuring the whole gang are now behind bars. Sticking with the German theme we also reported on the political storm as a German tried (and seemingly failed) to introduce a word into the language for ‘fold’.

April: An Icelandic volcano blew a dust cloud so vast, that it stopped one particular American player getting some in time for the Sunday Million this month. Elsewhere Kentucky continued to throw toys out of their pram in a bid to control the entire internet, starting with those well known ‘gambling devices’ known as, erm, URLs!

May: Poker was discussed in the ‘ways and means’ committee this month, giving renewed hope of some sort of legislative solution by the end of the year. While hope has faded for now, we do appreciate that not having any poker bills to root for will be the equivalent of having repeatedly knocked your head against a brick wall for 4 years… kind of nice when it stops.

June: The world series came and went, and by now the excitement of the stars winning bracelet after bracelet will be forgotten… and you’ll only recall the main event from November. Our spoof piece about Hellmuth winning the main event was just a little too scary for some readers… though I appreciate the positive feedback for my list of 101 things to do during synchronized breaks.

Will continue with part #2 tomrrow (it is already written!)… a quick plug to finish though – I have a Facebook group for the Planet network of sites, and it would be great to see you come and join! I update with the proper strategy articles from SNG Planet and many other sites... The address is


Tuesday, 14 December 2010

15 Months Of No Online Poker? Melted Felt Looks At The Options

Here at Melted Felt, the public-service spirit is seasonally strong. Instead of just rewriting the same old news all the other supposed poker news sites do, we like to think we can help you, the reader.

Today we pat those dear readers who dropped out of college firmly on the back, move our head sideways at the same time as making a sympathetic tutting sound and say, ‘hey, it could be worse sunshine, you could have already moved out of your Moms house and have real bills to pay’.

No More Online Poker: A Quick Look At The Alternatives:

1) Live Poker: A great choice for those with bankrolls who are willing to endure the variance caused by the reluctance of opponents to fold, ever. One word of warning for online pros making the switch, if you threaten to kill people for making bad plays, or hang around insulting peoples mothers after they bust you from a tournament, you are likely to get beaten, and fast – and the rest of the table will hope it really really hurts.

2) Go Back To College: Hey, some of you will still be young enough to fit right back in, you remember the sports, the drinking, the girls… right? Awww, you forgot huh? Ah, it was so important to you that your red line was 0.054118% below fair that you forgot that real people get drunk, fvck and have fun while you are defending your 6-betting light strategy on 2+2 against all who dare question it for 3 days and nights solid… Yep, going back to college might do you some good.

3) A j.o.b: I know, you are not really qualified to do much, and on top of that the present economy means that even burger flippers need to have some prior experience to land those precious min-wage jobs. We suggest starting small and working up, maybe you could flyer your neighborhood to see if anyone wants an occasional dog walker – or offer to clear snow in return for a letter of recommendation and a warm mug of coco. Since you were so adamant that you would never spend your life in an office cubicle, cleaning the toilets of those who do so might seem a little bit of a come-down… but hey, its only for 15 months right? You wait, they’ll soon be begging you to teach them how to extract thin value from polarized river ranges, honest they will.

Look out for more public service posts from Melted Felt real soon!


Thursday, 9 December 2010

Got A Great New Job This Week… Help Required.

It is not often, dear Melted Felt readers, that I call on you for help – today I must do just that. Blogging twisted versions of the poker news lead me to an opening, a contact if you like… seeing a man about a dog with a briefcase sort of a thing….Well, one thing came to another, a nod being as good as a wink to a blind bat, and I found myself on the telephone to none other than the chief exec of the world’s biggest poker site –

You see, I heard there was a ‘lill job going… that all I had to do was convince them I was a Swedish nosebleed stakes poker pro and *wham* the big piles of cash and equally juicy sponsorships would be mine all mine.

It started easily enough, all they wanted to do was test my Swedish credentials. Fortunately I had taken a scene of the Chef from the Muppet Show and edited out all of those squarks when he hits a chicken… the ol-be-bol-le-wol-de-sol-bork-bork-bork was more than enough to get the barriers down and the negotiations begin.

After answering several quick-fire questions on the history of Abba the subject of my hospitality requirements when traveling came up… thinking fast I absolutely insisted on Ikea furniture being shipped (and pre-assembled) to the hotel in advance of every trip. A few poker questions came up, and ‘all-in’ seemed to be the right answer every time.

So, it all sounds good, I have a multi-million sponsorship, the screen name Isildur1 and I’ll be representing Pokerstars at all of the major events from now on.

Just one problem, the one I opened the post with and could do with your assistance on… how actually do you win at Poker? I did not want to stress anyone here, only I have these 250 hand high stakes challenge things starting in just over a week, and my break-even record in the $5 SNGs probably is not enough to get me though... any ideas?

MF (aka Isildur1)

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

PPA Donations Refund Request Template

Poker players throughout the US have been sh1tting a slightly runnier texture of than usual this week, dear Melted Felt readers. The reason being the shocking news that the price of regulated poker includes a forced 15 months of no games at all – and a nice bill from the IRS at the end of every winning year after that. It would also mean no Stars or Tilt for 4 years, and 5 years before being able to relieve those crazy Germans, Weak-tight Brits and maniac Dutchmen of their bankrolls on a regular basis.

In fact, legalized poker does not sound all that great at all…. Remember when you donated that cash to the Poker Players Alliance? The expectation was that they would come up with something which kept you grinding, right? Kept you playing your game? Looked after you, the breakeven multitabling rakeback nerd? Well it looks like the big casinos had deeper pockets than you – so without further ado we bring you the PPA Donations Refund Request Template:

Dear PPA

I am writing to request the return of my donations totaling $___ sent via ___________ in 2008 / 9 / 10. This donation was made under the assumption that you were supporting us, the poker players, in the fight for regulated and legal poker.

By supporting Harry Reid’s bill you have shown clearly that you have no interest in protecting the average American online poker player. Whose livelihoods would be devastated by a blackout a lot less than the 15 months proposed.

In fact, if we had known that the bill you supported would look as if it were written by the big business casinos, our donation could have been sent direct – cutting out your *ahem* ‘lobbying’ expenses such as business class flights and bills from expensive restaurants.

By sending donations directly via the nightclubs in Las Vegas, at least we would have had some entertainment benefits – rather than the false hope and frustration that the PPA has given us for the last few years.

Yours Sincerely,

(sign here)

PS: What is the IRS??


Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Wikileaks Set To SHOCK Poker World

Until now, dear Melted Felt readers, the communications published by the Wikileaks website have been pretty mundane. Dull subjects such as insulting world leaders, suggesting dropping a bomb or two and calling out fat junior members of the British Royals for having a well earned rant have all made the headlines.

Well, here at the coal-face of the cutting edge of the nerve-centre of, erm, poker news, we can bring you the exclusive story that the next round of leaked documents contains some shocking evidence that the poker world is not the big cuddly friendly family you might think! Yes, straight from the voices in our heads, here are some completely fabricated lies REVEALING the leaked info.

- An intercepted e-mail sent by Howard Lederer (sent between counting his huge piles of money) to the pentagon urging a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the Isle of Man. We believe that the term used was, ‘cutting the head off of those stupid cats with no tails’.
- An emergency plan to prevent the proliferation of Rush Poker technology, including detailed contingencies for what to do if these dangerous software sub-routines were to fall into the hands of terrorists.
- A recording of the meeting between the feds and a certain Indian gentleman, formerly involved in the industry as owner of a once great poker site. In which the government officials could be seen rolling on the floor laughing once the meeting ended after securing a payout of several hundred million… includes a preview trailer in which they state their hope of breaching the $3 million mark.
- Sensitive mails sent from Congress to the Fed, in which the subject of QE using only T$ was discussed.
- Detailed correspondence between President Obama and Hillary Clinton debating which Full Tilt avatar was the luckiest, in which Clinton continually questions Barak’s theory that having the woman with big eyes and big tits on screen and playing under the name ‘trixibell1234’ has an ev advantage.
- An idea put forward by the Pentagon that members of 2+2 who suggest moving up levels to where people respect their raises should be immediately tracked down and conscripted into military service in Afganistan.

Well, if the world as we know it is the same as the world as we know it – I’d like to offer a very warm welcome various nations web-monitoring security teams to Melted Felt, the other side of poker news.


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