Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Shock As Hellmuth Wins 2010 Main Event

In an update so shocking you'll temporarily think your nation is good enough to have a deep run in the World Cup, we today bring you news that Phil Hellmuth Jr has won the 2010 World Series of Poker main event - beating his own record to hit 13 of the coveted WSOP bracelets in the meantime, the penguins were cheering silenty, the walls extra bright... and every time someone moves a poker chip the clack-clack echoes all around the beach.

Standing in a life sized mockup of the ultimate bet beach-scene table, Phil needed to push away microphones and cameras and more microphones a sea of grey furry microphones, mouths asking 'how does it feel', 'history' and 'The greatest'. Golden glow of success with hardly enough time to acknowledge the accoldades the obscuring fuzz of grey microphones fluidly dodging the questions, soaking up the thankyou's, firing the ever growing number of simple questions into the walls of the newly formed Rio.

Everyone gone, silence and just the chips, the clack-clack across the room reveals one more player - forgotten - an internet kid, hoody, iPod and cheap glasses just a small pile of chips and he doubles, he doubles again, unexploitable shoves and small pots chipping away, the crowd returning - penguins hiding - now the kid takes a chip lead...but it was already over... something is not right, it was already won. The microphones and cameras now pointing at the kid the accolades and wonder, the golden glow and the bracelet slipping away... no way to be understood, resentful looks from the press, "hellmuth blows it', 'Hellmuth crumbles', "Hellmuth looses his nerve' all flashing in front of his eyes.

"ALL IN!!" Phil shouts and the room slowly turns to stare, slience sweeps from the centre out, only clack-clack of the internet kids chips as he sliently mouths in slow motion "Y---0-----U W-----I-----N". Cheers, shouts, respect, love, money and a world record 12th bracelet... the President walking in, penuins lined up like a guard of honor... but the bracelet won't fit, like the infamous bloodied glove it sits on the fingertips, a nagging beep-beep, the president is ushered away, people milling around, confusion, 'how can it be yours if it does not fit' asks a mouth from a furry grey microphone... beep-beep-beep "how can it be yours" beep "How, tell us how Phil" Beep-Beep "It will fit the Internet Kid for sure" BEEP-BEEP "Let him tryyyy, let him tryyyy" BEEP.

Phil bellows with all his breath "It's Mine, MINE!!!" (BEEP) Yelling "I BEAT the internet kid!!"

At this point his long-suffering wife says, "Of course you did dear, now - will you please turn off that alarm clock... the main event starts tomorrow"

MF

Friday, 25 June 2010

Pokerstars: Help Us Hunt Down The Frogs

In a shocking development Pokerstars have written to all of their French players advising them to move to play money for their own fvcking good. After expensive statistical analysis of the French players they only found one single winner of the 32,756 registered. Apparently Jean-Paul from Toulouse came 2nd in his first ever Sit N Go, then forgot his password and never bothered to have it re-set, while the other 32,755 were losers.

Of course, with players who registered as Frenchies in the first place things were easy. Simply send them a vaguely worded e-mail citing 'legal stuff' and the forget about it. This, however, is not going to catch every Garlic Munching Surrender Monkey out there... they are well educated and cunning at the best of times, dearest Melted Felt fan, and we need YOU to help track them down and to *ahem* 'retire' them.

Stars have already come up with an online test to catch the majority of the Shower-Dodging Onion Sellers. When a suspected Frenchy logs on they will be faced with a pop up window asking "Are You French?". The responses will be 'Oui' (yes) and 'Fold' (for no)... since we know full well that the French are completely unable to hit a fold button, ever, this should force them to own up to the fact that it was the Allies who liberated them, and not Charles De Gaul single fvcking handed.

We still need more ideas for this one, the big Frenchy hunt of the summer of 2010 has the potential to go down in Poker history... should we show people pictures of pretty ladies with very hairy armpits and see if they are aroused? Offer garlic flavored ice-cream in exchange for filling in an online survey? Mention the soccer world cup and see if tears well in their eyes?

We need your help here folks - if you think you spot a Ball-Handling Serial Protester on Stars do not risk them 'taunting you for a second time...', dear readers, simply dial 1-800-GARLIC in strictest confidence.

MF

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Quick Fire Thursday - A Poker News Roundup

Time for another quick-fire roundup of the poker news, no no, we do not mean banal lists of people you never heard of winning events you do not care about at a tournament event you barely new was going on... we mean, erm, other stuff.

New Zealand Latest Country To Acknowledge Tournament Skill

In true international spirit, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you poker news from completely the other side of the world today. From a place where Orcs roam wild, people stamp their feet before sporting events and, well, sheep. Yes, New Zealand have joined a list of countries which we can not remember for the life of us in ruling that poker tournaments are not gambling, but a form of competition. Before the celebrations start in earnest, we should point out that the usual Kiwi stipulations apply, the only currency New Zealanders are allowed to enter tournaments in is Sheep.

Phil Ivey Wins 8th Bracelet At World Series

Fish all over internet forums were forced to grudgingly admit that Phil Ivey might be quite good after all this week after he beat a horse heads-up to win his 8th World Series bracelet. Ivey proclaimed that he can win 30, Doyle Brunson actually managed to check his ego long enough to proclaim that Phil was indeed the man, and Bob, a consistent loser at $5 SNGs for more than 3 years now, added that it must be nice to run that good - adding that he was seriously considering moving up to where people respected his raises.

Poker Players Alliance On AmericaSpeakingOut (dot) Com

In a bid to remind people that, yes, they still exist, no, the fact that there would be no need for them in a post-legislative world had not even occured to them once, and, well yes, a couple more million in donations could go a long way to help with the *ahem* hard lobbying activities at exclusive resturants, golf courses and 5-star resorts throughout the US - the PPA brought out their big gun this week. None other than Greg 'Fossilman' Raymer spoke up with some nonsense about civil liberties on the moderately well known free-speech website that is only read by people promoting their personal issues. Checks should be made payable to Christians Against Selective Hedonism (CASH for short).

Sheep,

MF

Monday, 21 June 2010

Cool Poker Tools - Part #1 - The Tilt Monkey

Here is an idea for a new poker tool, you know the 'software to help you play' kind of a tool. I have labelled it 'Part #1' dear Melted Felt readers, with the intention of coming up with some more ideas later down the line. In reality I'll probably forget by Wednesday, hey, who said coming up with this crap 3 times a week was easy!

Anyway, here is the concept of... The Tilt Monkey

A little monkey icon sits in the corner of your desktop. When you get bad-beat, cold-decked or out-thought at the tables you simply click the monkey and drag a line to point to the player who just beat you... at this point the monkey comes alive (well, an animation does), walks over to the player and brutally kills them in some way.

I'm thinking of a couple of variations here, either you choose a death which fits your current mood and circumstance, or you let the tool pick randomly. We are talking AK47, Machette, Bomb, Acid Attack, Baseball Bat... that kind of thing here all chopping up your opponents icon.

We could even have speech (or maybe speech bubbles) kind of your opponent saying 'I knew you were bluffing" before you leave them the hand-grenade, or "I had to play them they were suited" before you blast them with the sawn off.

This could save a fortune, users would instantly feel relaxed - avoiding expensive tilt.

Well, there you go, I'd make it myself, only I have no clue as to how computers work. If anyone is looking for a ROI to justify their programming time then the monkey could always keep up to date with the latest poker promotions somehow and tell the users about one after each use... maybe.

If you have any ideas for new poker tools let me know!

MF

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Jam-Rag Spat Sees Brunson Lose His Infamous Cool

Back in Doyle's day children were seen and not heard, they didn't do as their parents did - instead doing as they said - furthermore they respected policemen, were kind to animals and they fully expected '6 of the best' for digressions including (though by no means limited to) blotting copy books or being cheeky to their elders and / or betters.

2010 sees a culture as far far removed from the Utopian days of Doyle's youth, as a recent spat with herring-munching young poker prodigy Annette Obrestad reportedly demonstrated. Now, Annette - merely said that she would rather play at a table with 9 Doyles than with 9 high stakes online poker pros... not the biggest deal ever you might have thought, even for a player whose ego is, shall we suggest, even larger than her allegedly ample bingo-wings.

Doyle, for many 100's of years the epitome of cool as he raked in pot after pot from young poker hotshots ranging from home-town heros though to internet wizards - lost his proverbial rag on the very public Twitter. Letting the world know (in less than 140 characters) that the plump young thing was probably at the wrong time of the month.

Of course, this lead women all over the poker world to protest loudly, not least those who were at *ahem* a certain time of the month.

Doyle then offered Annette to put her money where he mouth is and play him in Bobbies Room - the spiritual home of games which Annette can probably not afford. Unfortunately Annette's mouth was already in use chewing on yet another tasty Whale-meat pie, and the offer was declined.

To make up for his error Doyle then profusely aplogised to all the uptight b1tches he offended first time around, saying that he would do the ironing this week and begging them not to 'go on strike' for yet another month, please.

Meanwhile Annette was reportedly furious after being mistaken for the cross-dressing Shaun Deeb in the Ladies Event and asked to sign his autograph.

Half made up of course, but you try waiting for something really interesting to happen in the World Series of fvcking poker, huh.

MF

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Shock As WSOP Completely Dull (Again).

Today dearest Melted Felt readers, is time to remind you that the much-anticipated World Series Of Poker has let you down. We know you could not wait, we know you were ticking off the days on the metaphorical calendar until the 'Biggest Poker Event Of the Year' got underway... and we know (oh yes we do) that only those with the mental toughness of stamp-collectors can be really enjoying it so far.

What little news for poker satire blogs to report. Shaun Deeb dressed as a woman - no thanks, though the re-occuring nightmare about the pertness of his breasts is starting to become an inconvienience. Any slight twist might have been satire-worthy, Joe Sebok dressing as a heterosexual, Phil Helmuth clothed as the mutton rather than the lamb... thats the kind of thing we were looking for.

A French lady winning a bracelet? Meh, the mind instantly wandered to how she managed to win the Ladies event without folding a single hand. Jokes about munching garlic during play, or those infamous hairy French armpits sprang to mind... they just seemed so banal this time, even their famed surrendering in every war or conflict ever entered did not get the cutting remarks flowing.

Dwan coming second almost made news, by almost bankrupting half of the online poker community who invested in his prop bets... the only 'community' are of course rejoycing, as several of their number hit final tables in the big events. The fact that nobody had heard of the vast majority of them before their score and is unlikely to ever hear of them again afterwards no reason at all not to shorten their names, add 'ey' to the end and pretend it was your best forum buddy ever who just took the bronze medal.

We'll leave you to it dearest Melted Felt readers, you know that the Main Event will be the most exciting thing ever, chip counts, lists of names who got busted, unknowns at the top of the leaderboards and even a known pro or two in the top 30. In the meantime we'll leave you with an interesting mathematical fact, more than 2/3rds of you will have given up online poker completely by the time the 2011 WSOP comes along... oh yes you will!

MF

Thursday, 10 June 2010

101 Things To Do During The Synchronized Online Poker Tournament Breaks

Inspired by a thread on a particularly unfriendly poker forum, we present our 101 things to do during the synchronized breaks held by most poker tournament sites. Since the breaks are not quite synchronized enough, to qualify the item had to be possible in 3 minutes and 39 seconds... we are sure there are more, so, dear Melted Felt readers, feel free to add to this list.


- Have Aces auto-folded 4 times at Party Poker
- Boil the kettle, pour water over a tea bag and leave it to stew until the next break when you'll pour it away and start again
- Take a power dump
- Let the dog out (break 1)
- Smoke a short blunt
- Let the dog back in (break 2) or:
- Wonder where the dog got to (break 3) and / or:
- Report the dog missing (break 4)
- Cut and paste the bad-beats you have saved the histories of during the preceding hour to prove to your forum ' buddies' that you are in fact very talented - just a little unlucky.
- Check your sharkscope graph, OPR rating and so on
- Register for the next $5 tournament with 3000+ players, play for 6 more hours and win $17.23c for coming in 266th
- Reply to event invitations on Facebook saying you are too busy to party tomorrow, when you know you'll just be grinding the same old games
- Freeze half way between the kitchen and the bathroom, unable to decide whether another beer or a p1ss is the highest proirity.
- Explain to a random loved one that you would have been top 10 in chips, if only you had not been cold-decked
- Make notes on 3 separate opponents which say 'donk' in various ways without actually explaining how you could exploit them in future.
- Switch the catheters of the 'Man in White', if someone left him in your house.
- Make a 'Missing' poster with a picture of your dog. (break 5)
- Print missing dog poster (break 6)
- Decline weekend trip to a lake with your buddies, explaining to them that while they are slaves
working in cubicles you are free, just like Che Guevara
- Hang around the lounge until someone looks up from the TV to ask 'hows it going?', then snap 'Don't Ask!'
- Dash out to stick missing dog poster to nearest lamp post (break 7)
- Think of something really smart to say to the guy who breated you 40 minutes ago, even though he is long gone and it is too late.
- Order a pizza that you know will come just as you *finally* get dealt those bullets
- Agree with your forum buddies that someone 1000 times better than you will ever be is actually 'just lucky'.
- Run back in with your missing dog poster to fetch some tape (break 8)
- Pour yourself a large one, you deserve it.
- Completely fail to notice that your ladyfriend has changed into her sexiest neglige and gave you 'that look' as she told you she was planning an early night.
- Fire up a cash game to fill the gap, you fvcking addict.
- Browse the latest entry on Melted Felt, I mean, you have us bookmarked, right?
- Dash out with the tape to put up missing dog poster (break 9)
- Prepare a healthy meal of cookies, chips and peanut butter
- Grab a nice cold beer, you earned it.
- find a random poker forum thread and type '/ thread' in it.
- Pray to the poker gods that you'll run good, just one time, please
- Explain to your parents that you want to drop out of college and do this for the rest of your life (and actually believe that you do!).
- Discover that dog came back in during break 4 and is asleep on the sofa.
- Laugh heartily at the times when there were no synchronized breaks and tournament grinders used p1ss into pots
- Convert to Bokokanism
- Sprinkle while you tinkle
- Read the first 3 pages of War And Peace
- Smoke another blunt
- Kick dog for wasting so many of your breaks
- Text a poker playing friend telling them how glad you are you did not go to the game with all
those other losers, then wish you had when you bust all your games 10 minutes later.
- Clip your toe nails, one foot per break
- Swear blind that you are never going to play online poker again, it is fvucking rigged.
- Put your fist through the plasterboard partition wall of your study
- Press play on the CD player again to save the bother of having to choose a new album
- Check your blance on 6 different sites, mentally adding the prize for your current position in the field in each tournament
- Stretch, groaning as you do it, actually enjoy the stretch / groan combo immensely (over 30's
only)
- Decide to 'take a shot' at a higher buy-in game since you are sick of all the donks sucking out on
you, get totally outplayed, then blame it on a bad beat.
- Look at internet pictures of naked ladies, wondering what it would be like to play with a real one!
- Mow 1/16th of the lawn per break.
- Have a glass of wine, you worked hard for it.
- Make a calculation of how much you could earn with X ROI at Y buy-in level and Z volume of
tournaments, totally overlooking the fact that you are actually a loser after the rake.
- Tell the dog that you are a great player and that it is your destiny to reach 17th place on a
monthly leaderboard, soon.
- Tell your mom that its a freeroll, that of course you are not playing for real money, that you are about to start you homework and no thanks, you would not like a glass of orange squash and a cookie.
- Play the main riff to 'smoke on the water' on an out of tune acoustic guitar, start the the 'house
of the rising sun' melody, then realize you do not know the second cord.
- Ask your dog whether it thinks you should quit your lousy job and move to Vegas.
- Throw yourself to the floor, punding both fists into the carpet and crying 'why me?, Why Me?'
- Make a tangy Gin and Tonic, why not, you deserve to relax a little.
- Realize that you are one minute late, and you just lost 3 timebanks.
- Shout at the dog for forgetting to check the 'auto-add on' button
- Have a power dump, only to realize half way through that you forgot the add-on button and run back without wiping
- Jump up to grab a drink, only to realize you have been sitting on your foot for the last hour and it has gone so dead you can not stand on it
- Get stressed and angry that all those weak souls who need a break are stopping you from gambling for the next 5 minutes
- Get a soothing foot massage from a Thai lady who miraculously climbs in through your window
- Double check that your poker book collection is in alphabetical order
- Realize that you do not actually have a dog, and start to call the neighbors to see if any of them
are missing one
- Set the TV to record poker shows, after all you'll need a break from the tables at some point.
- Smoke another blunt, it stops you tilting.
- Stare listlessly out of the window until you are alerted to the fact that the games have restarted by a succession of beeps
- Pick up a free weight with your left hand to try and balance your muscle imbalance caused by too much {censoring this one - Ed]
- Post something pointlessly negative and snarky on a poker forum in reply to a genuinely
enthusiastic new poster requesting help, feel proud of yourself for doing so.
- Save the world / whales / forests / tree-frogs (delete as applicable, you hippy)
- Soft Boil and egg.
- Stare blankly at the screen, mouth open, small amount of saliva slowly dribbling down your chin
- Fire up pokerstove and work out just how big a favorite you were in that last hand you lost
- Turn on radio to hear reports of rabid dog on the loose, with instructions to keep well clear of
the aggressive deadly beast
- Change the mood of your Full Tilt avatar 17 times in response to another player changing the mood of their Full Tilt avatar
- Dont Panic!
- Run into your garden and hug a tree, not metaphorically, we are talking physical hugs here.
- Check your facebook, e-mails and twitter, even though you know you are the only one online at 10pm on a Saturday night.
- Pause, briefly, outside of your room-mates bedroom door while a pang of jealousy hits you after hearing his girlfriend giggle.
- Make an Irish Coffee, you played well
- Look up to realize that a very angry looking dog is standing between you and your telephone, its eyes are glowing red and it is salivating...
- Retrieve the rock solid egg that you started to soft boil last break from the now bone dry pan
- Do 20 push-ups, collapse panting.
- Follow Melted Felt on Twitter http://www.twitter.com/planetmark
- Slide slowly along the wall without startling the rabid dog on your way to the gun cabinet in the basement
- Put your hands behind you head, smile broadly and think to yourself how amazingly cool your new career as a poker pro will be, just as soon as your luck evens out
- Decide which ramen noodle flavor your nutricious meal will be this time.
- Sneek up on the dog and shoot it in the back of the head, splatting brains and blood all over the floor
- Put remains of dog into an old holdall, take to the outside trash can
- Drink your 12th can of red bull today
- Cry, none of this lone silent tears business - we are talking like a really angry baby this time, scream your heart out, it is just sooo unfvuvking fair.
- Meet your sweet senior neighbor on your way to the trash with the dead dog in the holdall, explain that you have not seen her 'little timmy', though you'll be sure to let her know next break if you come across him...

No idea if this is 101, did not count, anyone got any more?

MF

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Laak's Endurance Publicity Stunt Ups Room's Ante!

In a post which is now managing to suck out half of the poker news while a relief well is drilled - we bring you news of a poker feat which just has to beg the questions: "Why?", "But, Why?" and, "But, But, Whyyyy?". Yes, As Phil Laak sips his special green tea into after 115 hours of continually playing at the Bellagio - we turn our attention to the *ahem* commercial side of things.

You see, dear Melted Felt readers, Phil has been rather smart here. Going beyond the poker press and forums which we are all familiar with, and branching out into the main steam press too. His room 'Unabomber Poker' must be swimming with fish right now... anyway, having seen the positive effects of free publicity, we decided it was time to dispatch the one and only made up poker news story investigative specialist - the Melted Felt Mole, to find out what the other sites and pros were thinking of doing to go one better than Mr Laak in the world record attempts department.

First up, we snuck between the big, big hands of Mr Doyle Brunson to see if he had anything planned for Doyle's Room. It turned out that there was a bit of a quandry going down as to which world record they fancy taking a shot at. Doyle himself is said to favor the Pogo-Stick jumps record, reconning he could easily beat the 177,737 laid down by Gary Stuart of CA in 1990. His team think that the pogo distance record would be more interesting, with a challenge that would see Doyle hopping up and down the Vegas strip to beat the 37 kilometer record of Ashrita Furman set in 1997, we'd love to see this one!

We caught up with the owers of the Cereus network, who strenuously denied that they were considering a challenge involving how many times they can successfully deny that the 'old owners' are still involved in the site, an attempt to beat the record of one Jim McCarthy Jr, who denied that he was denying anything 9,634 times - and still denys being the holder of this record today.

Next we checked out Full Tilt, where new signing Annette Obrestadt has apparently been putting in some serious training for the world Hot Dog eating championship title. If bingo-wings are anything to go by, Joey Chesnut's record of 68 dogs in 10 minutes does not stand a chance...

Anyway, Pokerstars already hold all the records, biggest tournaments, biggest freerolls, most players and so on... an insider did point out that there was a continuial challenge of increasing the height from which they regularly sh1t on Full Tilt. Though not sure if this was suitable for a guiness book of records entry, he did say that you get a framed photo in the lobby of the Stars HQ for being nominated as 'Sh1tter of The Month', alledgedly!

MF

Friday, 4 June 2010

Quick Fire Flotilla Friday

In a post which thinks the word flotilla is great fun to say, we bring you another quick fire round-up of the latest poker news, and clear my notepad of all the ideas which were not quite good enough for a full Melted Felt post at the same time... floti-ll-a

First up news from Switzerland, a country so neutral they are actually extreme. Their high-court as recently asked to make a judgement on whether poker was a game of skill or chance, a case brought by land based casinos who wanted to keep the games in licenced venues only. Non-appealable and forever binding, the decision baffled a few analysts - with the court unexpectedly deciding that poker was in fact, erm, cheese.


Next we nod our heads to the cynical humor of the poker-gods, who have seen to it that the modest and unassuming Phil Hellmuth jr has a sizable chip stack in one of the preliminary world series events... can you imagine a world where Phil has 12? 13 bracelets?

Finally for this week, we note that Doyle Brunson created a blog-comment stir by saying that the 'old owners' are still running UB. Conspiracy theorists jumped on the implication that the cheaters were still in control, though we do not yet know the significance of Doyle's other comments, that policemem are getting younger and younger - and that he was not sure if that guy was actually old enough to be a doctor. Still be are happy to hear that Mr B expects to be stacking those internet wizz-kids into his 90's.

Fl-o-till-aaaah

MF

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

UIGEA: Shock As World Still Spinning On June 2nd

We are happy to be writing today, dearest members of the Melted Felt karass. After a night of sleep filled with vivid deposit-options centred nightmares, call-from-the-bank based trepidation and credit-card-rejected-type fear that the UIGEA would finally be implemented. As the gentle patter of rain on the window and familiar green of our garden trees greeted us this morning it was with a huge relief that we noted the world was still spinning at a slightly tilted angle and flying - rather fast - around the sun.

Predictions of doom all over the interweb proved to be ill-founded today. With visions of horror ranging from 'the games getting just a little bit tougher' through 'end of online poker as we know it' through to 'every drop of water on the planet turning to ice-9, therefore wiping out all life forms' turning out to be, well, untrue. Relief was tangible, with players who never had a hope of withdrawing from a poker site due to their terrible play now contentedly lighting up blunts safe in the knowledge that options are still available for them should a miracle happen.

We spoke to Len, a stuppa from Texas, whose UIGEA implementation contingency plans were still ready to run at a moments notice. "It is not clear yet," growled an angry Len, nervously fingering a sawn off shotgun. "If the zombies come we have to make it to the mall, and fvcking fast man, fast!" he continued, "I have added blades to the wheels of my pickup, and idenfitied the Starbacks on the 5th floor as the easiest point to defend from dead members of the public intent on eating brains". On further questioning it turned out Len did not actually play online poker, and that the legislation coming into effect was actually the 70th sure-fire reason this year for the zombie apocalypse to begin. Apparently 2012 was looking like a sure-thing.

Still, his views seemed quite mild when compared to many posters on well known poker forums UIGEA fears...

Busy Busy Busy,

MF

 
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