Monday, 30 August 2010

Alert Issued As Annie's Cu*t Escapes

Hope you are sitting comfortably today, dear Melted Felt readers - as we have news even more shocking than usual. Yes, the Feds have issued an alert over 12 States as Annie's cu*t escapes leaving a trail of destruction behind - as it heads East from Vegas towards the Atlantic ocean.

In an urgent press release, members of the Public have been urged not to approach the cu*t, which - while not thought to be armed - is extremely angry and potentially lethal. They note that the cu*t has previously demeaned women, written to offshore poker sites and may even be suffering from delusions of importance in, erm, the big scheme of things.

With the trail of carnage streaching through Utah, where a family of 4 were found savagely murdered in their car at some traffic lights, right through to Illinois - where wildlife has been turning up mutilated all long the main intersection. Cops have been advised to shoot the cu*t on site.

Ports from North Carolina to New Jersey were put on the highest alert yesterday is it was understood that the eventual destination of the escaped cu*t was the Isle Of Man - as small Tax haven which a certain big poker site use to sit counting all their money while gently laughing to themselves. A fleet of Submarines has been put on standby to intercept... and sub-aqua-sub-sonic warnings have been issues to Whales long the expected route by some hippy-sh1t charity or other.

Reactions in the poker world to the escape of Annie's cu*t have been mixed, we understand that one terrified player named Dan is currently under 24 hour police protection in fear for his life. While most others are quietly smirking behind their hands...

Can you help? Have you spotted Annie's cu*t?

If so please dial the federal helpline now at 1-123-666-CU*T

MF

Friday, 27 August 2010

Sorel Mizzi Plays Poker Tournament Alone

In a news item so shocking we had to send Jimmy Carter in to sort out the mess, today we bring you the story of online poker ace Sorel Mizzi - who has been repeately accused on forums and blogs worldwide of being a liar-liar-pants-on-fire when it comes to cheating in tournaments - has played an entire online MTT in as clean and straight-up trustworthy manner as possible.


Yes Melted Felt fans, the tournament took place at some time in late 2009 and was a $200+$15 buy-in event on Pokerstars. Our thorough investigation has revealed that Imper1um played the entire event in the following manner:

- The entire tournament was played with just one buy-in, using his very own account!

- At no point were any hands discussed over MSN with other pros at the table

- No softplaying or chip-dumping occurred what so ever, at all

- Mizzi at no point took over from any of his 'horses' using PCremote or similar software.

You may think these are spurious claims, dear MF readers - but there is no doubt in our minds that this one single solitary tournament happened exactly as we described. If anyone would like to deny that this was absolute and concrete proof of something or other we are not quite sure of, then we would be happy to stand up and pointlessly argue with them, maybe.

Anyhow, as a site who has also been the victim of poker extortion, we can actually deeply sympathize with Sorel. To be honest I still regret to this day not paying that kid after he threatened to tell every single one of my friends I was a fish unless I shipped him the cash to join that $5 SNG... ah well.

MF (aka a fish)

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Sebok Closes UB Investigation

In a news item just loves to throw kittens into wheely-bins, we bring you the dramatic news that Joe Sebok has officially closed his unofficial investigation into the scandal that rocked the poker world. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, it is now officially safe to pop over to Ultimate Bet, sit in a high-stakes cash game and, erm, bet.

After joining UB in the role of 'Clean-Cut Peoples Champion and Holder of the Big (though not at all Phallic) Golden Torch of Shining Justice', Sebok took it upon himself wear underwear on top, becoming the 'Peoples Poker Poet' a super-hero who would take the fight the dark evil mutant Hamiltonites for control of the planet Earth's very poker future, never to stop until he uncovered the 3 truths which the ancient prophesy spoke of:

1) The Names of The Superuser Accounts
2) Hand Histories N Stuff
3) The Names Of Those Responsible For Stashing Your Cash

Summing up 12 months on, Sebok, who always washed behind his ears and helps old ladies cross the road at least 3 times a week claimed success for item 1. With the names now published on some popular poker forums.

Item 2 caused a little more trouble for SuperSebok, after asking for the missing hand histories it turned out that a surly computer technician sucked air through his teeth, put hand on chin and quickly followed it with a drawn out "weeeelllll, the problem isss..." before pointing to the top right of the keyboard where there sat a key marked 'delete'. Unperturbed, MegaJoe went one step further and asked whether any minute magnetic traces of the histories could have been left on the servers hard drives? The answer came that, unfortunately, the 'Are You Sure?' Yes / No box would have doomed that one... oh well, 90% is not bad.

As for the names, we can only speculate to be genuine disappointment coming from Daniel Negreanu's dog Moshu that Annie (oh Annie!) was cleared by DNA testing at the CSI Vegas lab. Hellmuth was ruled out, superusers never turn up late wearing MMA costumes after all. A host of other names were ruled out which might have made this story a tad more interesting too, the list of names eventually published being about as interesting as who did '3rd Grip' or 'Assistant Dubbing Editor' in just about any movie you could think of.

So, the conclusion was... well, Russ dun it, with a bunch of others we have never heard of, it was $22 millionish in total and they were smart enough to get away with it for several years before anyone even figured something was amiss. Still, could never happen elsewhere could it, or could it?

For his next year long investigation, Joe is DETERMINED to find out which end of an earthworm is the head...

MF

PS: Good job Joe!

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Dwindling Fish Stocks To See EU Regulate Poker Market

Shocking news today, dear Melted Felt readers, as those Bureaucrats in the European Union move on from their straight bananas, pesky metric measurements and joint ventures on really f-in fast fighter aircraft with those cool heat seeking missiles that can go around corners, ahem, and *now* regulate the poker market on the grounds that the majority of participants were, well, fish.

After receiving several complaints of over-fishing from disgruntled grinders, a committee made up of extremely important non-elected unaccountable anonymous individuals decided that the poker fisheries should be protected by strict quotas to prevent over-fishing leading to a reduction in hourly rates for all tax-dodging concerned.

In an all-night debating session a consensus was reached only after specific wording and opt-outs for various countries. Norway were adamant that they would continue to hunt the whales, France that French fisheries sould be protected from all other nations, coralled into a barrel by the French taxman - and then shot at every single hand - oh and Spain that they would continue to fish, but only in glass- bottomed boats - in order to get a better view of their countries rich maritime history.

In a carefully worded statement the European Commission indicated that they hoped that, while there were 227 clauses, 854 sub-clauses 19 partial opt-outs and 8 regional variations - at least the new fisheries regulations were not as complicated as OnGame's Essence...

MF

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

As ‘Legal’ US Poker Looms Large, We Survey The Major Site’s Reactions

Well, it’s a start –Bill H2267 now making its fluffy, furry way from committee, skippying merrily through the corridors of power, waltzing up the stairs and straight into a pit of rabid political dogs. Supporters are being won around all the time, with the lure of just a little extra cash to pay for all those votes bought by promising unsustainable pension benefits to public sector employees proving to be a valuable tipping point on both sides of the floor.

Here at Melted Felt, we thought it was a great opportunity to list what the biggest poker sites are actually doing in preparation for the big day, at least according to those pesky voices in our head:

- Pokerstars have already announced that they fully expect to be licensed, having done nothing wrong at all, ever. At the same time they expect Full Tilt to be permanently banned with everyone who ever played there prosecuted since they broke every law in the book.

- Full Tilt Poker have announced that, since they did nothing wrong at all, ever – they fully expect to be licensed by the US authorities once the legislation goes through. Simultaneously, they declared that Pokerstars are expected to be banned, with everyone who played there sentenced to 30 days hard labor while wearing a Howard Lederer t-shirt.

- Party Poker are really happy to be in the clear, after paying numerous bribes, oops, no, we mean *ahem* settlements to the US authorities in the hope of setting a president blocking their rivals from entering. Just in case it all goes tits-up, Party have declared that any shareholder whose background check stops them getting a license will be forced to play at PartyBingo until they sell up.

- Titan Poker and the iPoker Network have rolled over in bed, said “mmggmpphyaaa whaddayamean?”, dribbled on their pillow and then fallen back asleep again. When they wake up we will let them know that being the 3rd largest poker site is no good at all if the biggest market out there have never heard of you.

- Everest Poker, have declared that they will fart in the general direction of the US market as they have always done, and if you so much as mention table sponsorship deals they will most probably taunt you for a second time.

- Cereus Look forward to welcoming thousands more innocent little lambykins, after all, it is perfectly safe there my best and most precious of friends…


More updates on the every changing clutching at legal straws situation as they arise, or something.

MF

Monday, 9 August 2010

Players Return To Cake Poker After Jones’ Hat Fix

Back! At least until a big music festival starts just down the river from me towards the end of this week. During my break there has been a ton of exciting and dramatic poker news. So exciting that it has already been largely forgotten, in fact the same old poker news websites will – even as I type – be changing the names and republishing it as new.

I am relieved to reveal that the ‘security troubles’ at Cake Poker are over.

Trouble started when someone who knew a lot about computers revealed that in a completely improbable set of circumstances, using hi-tech tools which not even the creators understand properly on the 3rd Tuesday of every month – player’s hole cards may be revealed as a reflection in Lee Jones’ superbly polished bald head.

Cake Poker immediately yawned, raised an eye-brow, sipped their coffee and then let out a slightly exasperated short sigh. While it was obvious that the chances of someone cracking into the system were infinitely remote compared to the rewards of watching just how badly the cracked player played his $5 SNG, the whining coming from the (mostly losing) masses of poker players would mean a fix was required.

Lee Jones, being the man – stepped straight up to the mark after a key aspect of seeing player’s hole cards was revealed to be the reflection of them on his bald head. After trying on various baseball caps, trilbies, a fez, home knitted bobble hats, balaclavas, berets, turbans, motorcycle helmets and cowboy hats – Lee decided that simply donning a deerstalker would prevent his highly polished noddle risking the integrity of those games in the future. Oh and he went to his local computer store and bought SSL for dummies while wearing it too.

Meanwhile those same hordes of vocal players who did not play on Cake in the first place got a little bored and moved their storm creating services to the next teacup.

MF

 
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