Thursday, 29 December 2011

Poker News Year In Review – Part 4

Nearly there! Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, this is the last year in review post of 2011… well, unless I decide to do another post reviewing my year in review posts. It always feels a little strange reviewing the recent past – and just as we got used to the doom and gloom, the news started getting quite good.

Lets start at a point adjacent to where we left off – in October.

As storms in teacups go, poker fans worldwide made much ado about nothing this month – when a misguided support rep at William Hill mis-understood a Ts and Tc entry about shills being used in casino games and said something along about bots in poker games.
The resulting Chinese-whispers effect – combined with a generation of poker players who had no target for their teenage angst since UB went under – made the news cascading around 3rd rate news ‘portals’ amusing to say the least. While this storm was short-lived (much to the embarrassment of the most militant posters), the real scandal at this iPoker site was with the management of a company employed to do their marketing… who were fired after some dodgy dealing accusations involving stealing away players, maybe.


Everyone had to pretend to be interested in the World Series this month… suckered in by some mass delusion that everyone else was actually interested. Lets all be honest next year eh? It will save a lot of learning names of bracelet winners and talking about hands which are really exceptionally dull given the stack sizes and table dynamics.

Anyway a German Gentleman by the name of Pius Heinz won, and we are still enjoying the boom in German players which his victory bought. Strange how an unknown German was so well known by American, British and Canadian players for many years, strange indeed.

This month also saw speculation that Full Tilt had found a buyer turn to fever pitch, as Group Brenard Tapie got involved. This bid was immediately poo-pooed by the ‘experts’ on popular forums and blogs… the guy was dodgy and it had zero chance of getting past the DoJ, man. In fact, next time I’m on an empty stomach and feeling a little grumpy I might dig out some choice posts…. Or maybe life is too short.


Bodog went anonymous, Everleaf made it hard for both of their winning players to log on, all of the Melted Felt awards went to me… and then:

The DoJ gave us all a fantastic xmas present!

By declaring the wire act only applied to comedy sheep-races and jamborees involving grown men in ostrich costumes – poker has been freed to grow state-by-state. The best thing is, since the states can now do it for themselves… some very rich casino interests might just be digging deep to bribe *ahem* no, I mean, ‘Lobby’ up some Federal momentum.

Keep it locked to Melted Felt for the latest, erm, news.

Next my predictions for poker in 2012 – well, figured I can not do much worse than Calvin Ayre.


Monday, 26 December 2011

Poker News 2011 Year In Review - Part 3

As the disappointment you are to your family fades into a boxing day memory of ‘but it was nice food’, I’m back to cheer you up with Part 3 of my 2011 Poker News Year in review.

This was the quarter of the year where Full Tilt was about to be back at any moment, until it wasn’t. The November 9 were decided. Then everyone went back to expecting Full Tilt to be back at any moment.


It was the hearings in London of the Alderney Gaming Council which not only grabbed the headlines in July – they became a symbol of our collective hopes. We scanned news for anything even slightly positive, anything which might indicate that Full Tilt would return (or return our cash, depending on which side of the Atlantic we sat).

When the hearing itself came about, the world’s poker press were present. Radios were primed, twitter hash-tags were defined and 3rd rate poker sites all over the world were preparing to publish badly written regurgitated pieces from the real news vendors and pretend they were providing an important service.

Then, after a few minutes in which some celeb so minor that we forgot his name walked out. The hearing was held behind closed doors. Then adjourned until September.
How would we feed our Rush Poker addiction now?


The reality for thousands of grinders over in the US hit home this month. The pseudo-excitement of following the really quite dull WSOP was over. Only Cake Poker and some scrappy small sites accepted US players, and it looked like dropping out of college to have a life of ‘freedom’ as a mouse-clicking machine had turned to dust.

People started escaping, moving North to Canada, asking questions on forums about what language they spoke in England and considering the tropical paradises of the East as great places to spend 16 hours a day in a darkened room.

For some it happened, most were forced to concede that they were not the ‘ big winner over a massive sample’ they pretended to be to their forum buddies after all… and with living off of rakeback so much harder now they were wondering whether you needed any formal qualifications to drive a taxi?


Relatively speaking a quiet month for poker. Bodog hit the headlines by announcing they would no loner tolerate data-miners – unsurprisingly starting a spat with datamining serive Poker Scout. This would later turn out to be a storm in a teacup compared to the fully anonymous tables and rebranding to sound like a meaty drink.

So, I’ll leave it there – the last update of the year will bring us right up to date… just in time for the exciting Melted Felt predictions for 2012!


Thursday, 22 December 2011

Melted Felt 2011 Poker Year In Review - Part 2

Bugger, was supposed to do the year in review weekly. One for each quarter. Now I’ll have to speed up to fit them in with your busy xmas obesity schedules.
Ah well, at least the 2nd quarter was an *ahem* interesting one.

Lets start at the beginning with the bliss that was the online poker landscape during the first half of April 2011.


Puppy dogs were playing, the sun was shining brightly, daffodils and crocuses were in full bloom as profits, the seemingly endless profits, seemed to seep almost gracefully from table to cashier to bank account. It was a time of hope, that poker really would fulfil the promise of freedom, that you would soon be able to swap a life of senseless career progression and working for the man for freedom to choose what hours you would work – blissfully extracting stack after stack from the donks.

Then *boom* the Feds got involved.

Within seconds the US sites were down, the flowers wilted back into the ground, the sun disappeared behind black brooding clouds. The games and their endless profits were gone, the boss was yelling and instead of telling him to stuff his job where the sun don’t shine all you could do is splutter ‘yes, sir’ and cower back to your cube.

No more freedom to grind, an attack on the very liberty which made America great, the fish would now get to play each other, you were going to move to Canada, no, to Mexico, maybe Europe… only you could not afford to, yet, if only the DoJ had stayed away you could have been a damn pro. You were good enough for fvcks sake, good enough… just a little unlucky that’s all.
When the smoke cleared, US poker was dead.


As the fallout from Black Friday continued, online poker players everywhere were desperately looking for someone to blame during May. After many players had clicked ‘like’ on various facebook pages, retweeted news about legislative efforts and ‘signed’ the odd online petition – and with them taking so much responsibility for their own future the real cause must be someone elses fvck up, right?

With UB / AP dead it was time for Joe Seebok, their ‘head of not being gay’, to get the pink slip this month. The final act in the story of a corrupt online poker room which had defined the life of countless online players. With no poker, no UB to hate and no social skills, you can still find these players wandering the streets of major cities – telling bad beat stories to anyone who would listen.

With Full Tilt soon following a strange monetary phenomenon occurred. Scouring the forums and adding up all of the claims of huge sums of money ‘locked up’ on sites which had closed, it seemed there was actually more cash in poker than what can be accounted for in the entire global economy…


Things started to stabilize in June, with Carbon and Cake poker taking up the slack of US players wanting to stay online.

Canadian and Mexican border police were forced to implement a shoot-on-sight policy as pasty-faced grinders left bedrooms all over the US and tried to emigrate to more favourable regimes.

Live poker took centre stage, with record numbers registering for the 2011 World Series Of Poker. The story of the year was 2nd-itus for one Phil Helmuth, who had a couple of runner-up spots in his quest to add even more bracelets, and a final table too. As we reported at the time, there were huge queues as 10,736,453 people tried to by first John Juanda, then Eric Rodaw a drink.

Tune in next week for my recap of an interesting 3rd quarter!


Friday, 16 December 2011

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

It’s Fridayyyyyy! Bet you are all looking forward to feeling a little disappointed on Monday morning, that for all your excitement when it started out, the weekend turned out to be a little dull.

Anyway, no need for your mundane life to get in the way of a perfectly good Melted Felt post, is there now… With so much exciting poker news around, I just can not wait to get started on another Quick-Fire Friday!

Bodog Rebrand

Bodog, the big betting brand, announced that their US operation would be called Bovril this week. Naming their poker site after a meat-based spread which can also be made into a hot drink has baffled many commentators, as well as judges – both the legal variety and those who rate TV talent show finalists.

Personally I can not wait for the 1000’s of ‘affiliates’ out there offering Bovril poker rakeback, nudge nudge, wink wink. Speculation is mounting here at Melted Felt HQ that this could the first shot in a war of with Jack Links…. The poker world not being big enough for 2 meat-based products after all.

Epic Poker League Pinch The Pennies

Anyone remember the Epic Poker League? Vaguely… good. Well in a shocking development this week they offered none other than the godfather of poker – Doyle Brunson – a lifetime pass to their tournaments. Come on guys, we all know Doyle is already 117 years old, why pinch the pennies this way when you could have offered it to someone with a higher chance of being around in 5 years time. Erm, come to think of it… will the Epic Poker league last that long?

Jamie Effing Gold

It does not matter what the hell is in the poker news, or the world news for that matter. Every day at least one person is searching for some variation of ‘Jamie Gold Broke’ and finding Melted Felt. Still boggles my mind as to why anyone cares all these years after writing some decidedly unfunny satirical post on him.

Anyway, I digress, Gold is back in the news. He is representing the Tropicana Casino in Las Vegas. After reviewing his poker achievements since winning the world series, I think its best if I write to them first… just to confirm that he is not actually representing the bingo department.

Pokerstars 10 Million, erm, Million

Nothing shatters a dream of walking away with the $2 million first prize like a bad beat after 9 hours of solid, insightful and skilled poker play…. So I’d best stop writing and go play a satellite.


Wednesday, 14 December 2011

2011 Melted Felt Awards

They are prestigious, they are relevant, they are shiny and new – and they are published today. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, we reach the end of another year of opening every damn post with ‘dear Melted Felt readers’, oh yeah, and announce the results of poker’s most sought after accolade too – the one and only Melted Felt awards.

The competition was the toughest it has ever been this year. Which bearing in mind that these are the inaugural awards is not all that surprising… With no less than 3 categories of awards to fight for, the opening of the envelopes took place in my study, shortly after I had sealed them. With no champagne readily available, the ‘csssp’ of opening a can of lager added to the ambiance of the star-studded occasion.

So, without any more sh1te, here are the categories:

-1 The 2011 Poker Satire Blog Which Used To Be Funny Award.

This was a tough category, the poker satire niche being as crowded as it is. With, oooo, 10’s of poker blogs out there cracking the occasional pun – it was a matter of measuring the peak to trough, of setting the clap-o-meter on max, then scanning the horizon for the appearance of tumbleweed.

In the end there was only ever one winner. One poker satire blog which plumbed new depths this year – trying, desperately, to resurrect its past chuckle-filled glories. Yes the prestigious 2011 ‘Poker Satire Blog Which Used To Be Funny’ award goes to: Melted Felt

(applause mixed with cheers and the occasional whistle)

-2 Poker Player Of The Year 2011

Wow, this category could have so many nominations it would impossible to count. Pius Heinz for putting Germany on the poker map, Phil Ivey for taking a stand and not playing in the World Series, Chris Moorman for crushing online poker tournaments, Durrrr for probably winning a lot of money, maybe and so on…

When the cows had come home for long enough for the dust to settle, one play, which astounded the poker world stood out. It was made by your humble host in a $11 online tournament and involved the shocking tale of folding Queens before the flop after the worlds nittiest nit 3-bet… only to turn over aces. Yeah, well, alright, not exactly a heroic laydown… the thing is I managed to heroically resist typing ‘folded QQ’ into the chat box even when one flopped after the nit had turned up his aces… I went on to min-cash 4 hours later.

The small fact that I have not won a dime, let alone a tournament this year has nothing to do with it, the Melted Felt Poker Player of the Year award goes to: Planet Mark

(Cheers mixed with 'wow he really folded queens' and 'ooohhh' noises)

-3 Online Poker Site Of The Year

Just one small issue with this category. While these awards are undoubtedly one of the most prestigious in all of online poker… this is the first time though. This means the online poker sites will not have had the opportunity to *ahem* enlighten me as to why they should get the award, for example with expensive gifts or all-expenses paid trips.

I could pick an ‘Ironic’ candidate for this award, UB anyone? The thing is this just works almost as well as turning a Wordsworth poem into a poker satire post, I’d be as lonely as a cloud…
So, a holding category for now – just so someone gets the fantastic prize of a second can of lager, I’ll award this one to myself.

(deafening sound of poker site managers instructing their staff to make sute Planet Mark is 'well looked after' for 2012)

-4 Person Of The Year 2011

Time magazine have one, so why not Melted Felt. This is the toppest of top when it comes to award categories, and so some serious consideration of the candidates needs to be made before I continue with the lame gag of awarding everything to myself.

Many people have shaped our lives in various ways this year, and some big-cheeses have died too. I mean, it’s a tough choice between Jackson and Jobs as to who made more people happy overall during their slightly twisted lifetimes. Political heavyweights and finance chiefs might be the subject of your hate, while sports-stars and slightly stupid celebrities balance this with your love. However one awesome person stands a head-and-shoulders above the crowd when it comes to person of the year.

After donating small sums to charity no less than twice, once being nice to a random dog and generally not p1ssing too many people off. I feel the prestigious person of the year award (which comes with a pizza (topping of your choice) in addition to the 3rd can of lager) – goes to none other than Planet Mark. After all, nobody has done more in the world of poker satire blogs that used to be funny, and nobody ever will.

Remember, you will have forgotten that these awards were not funny long before I do the 2012 version… look forward to seeing you back online then!


Thursday, 8 December 2011

Shock As 250,000 Everleaf Players Claim EUR750 Cap Ruins Their Life

We applaud those poker sites who are trying to become ‘fish friendly’, dear Melted Felt readers. As a dedicated fish, your humble host thinks that we should be recognised more often for the vast contribution of cold hard cash we make to the poker economy.

Yes, while you were busy berating us for that call which will win you money over time. A change in the Everleaf network has occurred, which means that anyone winning more than 750 Euros in a week gets barred from the tables, at least until they log on with their ‘sisters account’.

Everleaf – a network with 3 trillion ‘skins’ who each contribute 0.007% of a player have announced that this is to better reward the sh1t poker players who actually contribute cash to their coffers by depositing, and to restrict those selfish nasty winning players who do nothing but withdraw withdraw withdraw.

The server resets on Sunday, which means your little sister can log off and you can log on again…. All the way to another 750 Euros.

What shocked us the most is the apparent disconnect between the number of players claiming this as a personal disaster on various blogs and forums, and the statistics released by the network themselves.

According to Everleaf, only 0.04% of players are affected, a negligible amount by any measure. While a quick scan of 2+2, P5s and other forums seems to indicate that more than 250,000 players just lost their livelihood – including Tim, 19, whose post before his ‘devastated’ rant was on the subject of their been ‘too many suckouts’ in the daily 1000 player $5 freeroll.

Of course, this is not the first site to make a big to restrict winners for the greater good of crappy players everywhere. Bodog have been doing it for ages by hosting one of the ugliest poker software clients online and announcing they will pull out of their core market to stop people there bothering to deposit. OnGame also punished the winners with their essence rake system, making it so complex that an experiment is scheduled at the Large Hadron Collider to try and determine how it works.

We sympathise with the 250k people whose HUGE Everleaf winning days have come to an end. What I suggest is that you stop showering, grow your hair (and beards as applicable), create some banners and go occupy somewhere – after all, you have the 0.04% to blame.


Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Melted Felt Poker Year In Review - Part 1

December is a month of reflection, and one of hope, dear Melted Felt readers. We can look back at the year that was, swear blind never to do *that* again, and look forward to next year – where miraculously, with no effort or study at all, we will start winning tons of money at the poker tables… proving once and for all that we were naturally talented all along – just a little unlucky.

This will be the first of 3 ‘Poker News Year In Review’ posts. I’ll do one per quarter, and post them each week during December. This particular post looks fondly back at the first quarter, pre Black-Friday, when the poker world was a dreamy place with plenty of profit for everyone… well, except for the 90% who lost at it.

Poker News Year In Review – 1st Quarter Highlights

Jan 2011:

January saw Annie Duke and Phil Hellmuth leave While at the time I speculated that this was due to unsatisfactory xmas presents… hindsight can be a wonderful thing. They must have had insider knowledge of the Feds April moves and simply acted rationally to protect their assets. No, wait a moment, erm, I’ll get back to you on that one.

Pokerstars also launched their homegames, which might be still going, though as I pointed out at the time were hardly a realistic representation – well not compared to the home-games I have been too anyway.

Feb 2011:

That cold, miserable month when you did not get a single valentines card (again) was thin new-wise. WSOPE announced they would move to Cannes, and Stars Dropped their Double or Nothing SNGs in favour of the new-fangled 50Fifty format.

This was the month where Sunday schedules, grinding the mid stakes cash games and FTOPS (or was it Mini-FTOPS?) just drifted by for US players. The approach of a dark cloud on the horizon went un-noticed. 100’s more dropped out of college to pursue the ‘freedom’ of clicking a mouse for a living for a couple of years before going broke and becoming a cab driver, and, hell, anyone who raised an eyebrow to question the long-term sustainability of this lifestyle was simply called a hater!

I came up with a rewrite of ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’, damn it, now that song is stuck in my head once again…

March 2011

Unparalleled optimism, huge numbers online… and record profits – at least based on what 1000’s on online players later claimed they lost when AP / UB / FTP disappeared… Spring was in the air and poker legislation efforts were underway in DC and in many individual states. Barney Frank had a new bill and life was good – it was just a matter of time before the glory days of online poker would return. Turkeys reflecting on just how great life is a week before xmas springs to mind.

One particular Turkey, called Full Tilt Poker, launched the Onyx cup – tournaments with millions in prizes for the high rollers. In addition to reminding the average player how pathetically small and insignificant both their poker bankroll and whole existence was, this could be great for TV… In fact it feels like announcing the biggest tournament payouts ever has become pretty popular as the year went on.

Yes, life was great in Q1, and was set to get better and better… Come back next week for part 2, when I look at how much fun we all had in April.


Sunday, 4 December 2011

Slowly Sizzling Sunday - Poker News Summary

Quick Fire Friday is all very nice, dear Melted Felt readers, but like the tired old poker pro who still raises 3x + 1 per limper, its days are coming to a close. Instead I present the all new super slowly sizzling Sunday roundup of poker news. This summary is so fresh and new that while I am writing the intro paragraph for it, the rest does not actually exist yet.

Anyway, lets get straight on with the news which is causing a stir in the world of online poker.

First Up Data Leaked.

This item really got people hot under the collar, the poker site which used to be the target of hate for grinders enjoying their 'freedom' in darkened rooms everywhere might be gone, but they managed to sink one little notch lower still...

What happened was the hand history data covering thousands of players and millions of hands was leaked online – ready for anyone to mine it for competitive advantage. Such was the shock and indignation, the outpouring of disbelief mixed with pure rage and the torrent of '+1' posters looking to increase their coolness level with bigger post count scores on their favorite forums – that people actually forgot that this data, combined with billions more hands from other rooms is available at a large number of paid data mining sites.... and has been for years, oops.

Next, Today's World Record

Today some 200,000 people will play in the worlds biggest poker tournament at, aiming to beat their previous world record of a 150,000. Since no other poker site gets anywhere near 150k, we have to ask a couple of questions as to why bother in the first place? Is this spite? Is it just poking fun at the other sites? Is it the online poker equivalent of climbing a step-ladder, pulling down your pants and taking a giant dump on the heads of your competitors?

Probably just a great way to get more people playing all those other games while they chuckle about their huge piles of rake.

$100 Million Tournament Rumors Quashed

No big tournament in Macau next year... it turned out to be a rumor. Fortunately the Melted Felt $3 Trillion Guaranteed will go ahead next June. This will be a $1 entry game with a field capped at 250, and will guarantee at least $1 Trillion for the winner. The only condition is that I find a poker site willing to sponsor the event between now and xmas. Watch this space.

Thats about all this Sunday, I'm pretty sure some people won some big live tournaments around the world... and I'm also pretty sure you do not really give a shit.


Thursday, 1 December 2011

Bodog Anonymous Software Goes Too Far

Grinders have always been in the cross-hairs of the poker arm of betting giant Bodog, dear Melted Felt readers. Restricting the number of tables per player, reducing rakeback for winning players and using sh1te-looking software have all been effectively used to put off the online poker pros in the past...

Yesterday a brand new front opened in the war against the spotty nerds whose idea of 'freedom' is to sit in a darkened room all day clicking a mouse – the Bodog Poker tables have gone totally anonymous!

Instead of your really cool poker name like TeddyKGB173 or NateDog98345, you now just get a number, a dull and boring single number for cash games or a number which could potentially run to 3 whole digits if you enter a tournament.

Anonymity is designed to stop data-mining software which the grinders love building histories of players which might then be used to mathematically exploit them.

All very well, I hear you cry in unison, we never played there anyway...

That is only the official version.

In reality there are some very strange effects happening all over the world as some of the powerful code leaks out of the new client and into the real world...

In Houston, Texas, Bill White sat down for his usual crafty half-hour slightly losing session while he was supposed to be collating the month-end sales figures for his boss. After standing up it quickly became apparent that he had become anonymous. Not only did his colleagues not recognize him, despite his pleading and shouting, 'but its me - Bill!', they eventually called security and had him escorted out of the building.

That, dear Melted Felt readers was just the start.

James McCruft of Toronto, Canada was making sweet love to his girlfriend when a particularly troublesome hand from the Bodog tables crept unwanted into his mind. While maintaining a steady rhythm, James desperately tried to figure whether he could have got a few more BBs of value by leading small on the river with his set of 7's – rather than opting for a check-raise against an aggressive opponent.

At that moment the anonymity kicked in, turning him into a number – much to the distress of Katie, his long-suffering lady.

Examples of contagion have already been reported as far apart as the UK and Brazil, with suddenly anonymous players infecting their entire families – leading to some very confused mealtimes and evenings in front of the TV.

Meanwhile, grinders who never played on Bodog in the first place are busy slapping each other on the proverbial shoulders and saying 'yeah, I'm not playing there any more either' in their usual forum bonding rituals... only for some reason the minute they look away from the post they can not recall what the damn site was called.

We asked a spokesman for a statement, only he had apparently never heard of Bodog Poker and was not sure if it was his job to even pick up the phone...


Tuesday, 29 November 2011

How To Tell A Player’s Nationality Without Hovering Your Mouse Over Their Name

You know, dear Melted Felt readers, life can be a struggle sometimes… and I know too well that your wrists bear the brunt of the strain. Not only do you need to decide exactly how much ‘thin value’ to go for on the turn, you need to move that cursor over your opponent’s name to see where he comes from in order to justify that all-in call.

That extra movement adds up to more than 1 million cases of carpal tunnel each year – according to stats released by some people who desperately want more funding for carpal tunnel research.

You were not worrying were you? Well I hope not, because in addition to being the world’s only poker satire blog which is OFFICIALLY no longer funny – Melted Felt is also a public service.

Yes, today I can save you a mouse-over-hover or 3 by showing you that your opponent’s nationalities can quickly be assessed merely by looking at their Pokerstars avatar picture:

Avatar / Nationality Quick Reference Guide:

- Beautiful Woman / Supermodel Close Up Face Shot: This is 100% reserved for Germans, in fact these women are so beautiful that they sometimes convince the players themselves that that is really them… obviously nobody else though.
- Own Face Shot: This is divided into two camps. If the face shot is of a darker complexion smiling guy looking cool – maybe with a finger along the chin… that’s almost certainly a Brazilian. The pale psycho with mousy hair, that’s a Russian.
- Baby / Dog: Brit, sometimes Canadian, but mostly Brits.
- British Premiership Football Team Badge: Swedish.
- Swedish Football Team Badge: Erm, nobody, might be a fun one for some Brits though – if you can bear to pull down that picture of Rover.
- Cartoon / The Joker From Batman: Dutch, and no, check raising all in with air and calling / min-raising with aces is not actually ‘tricky play’.
- Skull / Monster: Could be either a Finn, Estonian or a German who has yet to figure how cool It would be to pretend to be a fantastically beautiful woman.

Well, I’m bound to think of several more the moment this is published…


Thursday, 24 November 2011

Live Poker Events Winners List

Yesterday's announcement that Ivey would be re-entering poker poker world got me thinking [Never bodes well – Ed]. There are a ton of poker events these days, and almost all of them end up with write ups in the poker news, flurries of activity on Twitter as the final tables form and the usual regurgitated news on 1000's of other blogs and websites.

Poker fans worldwide as assumed to take an interest in this 'news'. If you are one of the rare breed of readers who make it back here a 2nd time then you'll already know my theories that much of this is caused by the assumption that everyone else is interested, so you should be... One day, dear Melted Felt readers, everyone will admit to each other that they don't actually give a fvck, and we can all sigh a collective sigh of relief and stop reading about it together.

Anyway, I digressed.

Even more than usual...

To prove my point that your memory is like a slab of butter left out on a warm day I'm going to do a quiz. Please do not send me your answers in any format – especially on a postcard. You can look it up on Google if you like, I really do not care.

You Love Poker – Who Won What Quiz:

2011 WSOP $50k HORSE Event:

2011 WSOPE Main Event:

2011 PCA Main Event:

2011 Aussie Millions:

2010 LA Poker Classic:

2011 Irish Winter Festival Main Event:

2011 EPT London:

Enough already!

Guess you remember the 2011 WSOP Main Event winner though.

Do not even attempt to get me started on the publicity about the winners of those online events, or the high stakes pros who shuffle $100,000 pots too and fro each week...

I know you know that I know that the only thing that really matters to you is how your peers perceive your poker bankroll. We'll keep that between you and me, eh.


Monday, 21 November 2011

EPT Greece Subject To EU Bailout Terms?

The European Poker Tour, or EPT, is growing and growing – in fact there are now so many stops that places as far away from Europe as the Bahamas are included in the list. Those readers who just can not decide whether or not they like olives will be pleased to hear that the inaugural EPT Greece will kick off this fall, some 75 miles south of Athens in the seaside resort of Loutraki.

You might think it is as simple as booking your flight, handing over the buy-in and getting bad beat on level 1 – dear Melted Felt readers. The reality is that things are just a little more complex than this... what with the current economic climate and extra charges for replacing all those smashed plates.

So, here is how to enter:

1 – First you need to send proof that your income is good enough to enter. If you are currently a little short, the Greeks have a * ahem * special arrangement with Goldman Sachs that they will sign-off your accounts by transferring the liabilities on your balance sheet to a friendly neighborhood goat.

2 – Next you need to borrow the entry fee itself from German and French banks. This is possible at extremely low credit charges, after all, Greece is a member of the EU, so what can possibly go wrong with a loan like this?.

3 – Once the tournament itself starts you can take 5 chips from each of the shortest stacks at your table in the name of 'austerity' each blind level. Half of these should be given to the chip leader, and the other half to the tournament director.

4 – After level 5 it will be announced that there is a new tranche of chips to be distributed to the players. Unfortunately the only way to get them will be to get the banks who agreed to pay your entry fee to take a 50% haircut on their loan. You can get them to do this by threatening to ask the drunk guys on the rail whether you should go all-in blind before the flop for the next 5 hands in a row.

5 - At level 7, all Irish, Portuguese and Italian players at the table will be required to hand 10% of their chip stacks to a special pile of chips which will then be handed to those from Germany, France and the Netherlands.

6 – Level 9 sees a rescue, all Greek players who were busted in earlier levels through crazy play will be given a new chip stack by the IMF.

7 – The 'Austerity' chip take now goes up to 1000 chips per round, anyone refusing this will be replaced by a technocrat with previous European Central Bank experience who will play the remainder of the game by waiting for aces and then mini-raising.

8 – As we get to the final 2-tables, things start to get complicated. First up, Spanish Players will have to stop using the cardboard chips colored with crayons – which were allowed earlier as they were backed up by worthless Spanish real estate. The tournament director also gets replaced, by Germans who will decide on the blind levels, bet amounts and remove any good cards from the deck or countries who previously over-valued their hands.

9 – Unfortunately any Brits still in the tournament as we reach the final table will have their chip stack devalued against holders of chips in Euros. Any Brit found offering advice on money management to the other players will be ridiculed by the German and French poker press.

10 – As we get down to the heads-up part of the match it will be announced that the Euro has imploded based on its inherent weakness of only existing to make German exports cheaper globally. The prize will be converted into newly created Drachma, since this is worth sweet fvck-all the winner will be given the option to take home the very same goat which Goldman Sachs transferred your liabilities to when you entered.

All I can say is: Good luck at the tables!


Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Ivey's Divorce From Barry Greenstein Gets Messy

It is with great sadness, dear Melted Felt readers, that we cover the breakdown of one of poker's closest and most loving relationships in our usual completely made-up fashion... The divorce proceedings between Phil Ivey and long time spouse Barry Greenstein first made the headlines over the summer – and as the year has worn on things have become ever more acrimonious between the separated parties... leading to speculation in some quarters that Ivey might have cast his last dice in the gambling world.

Most shocking of all is the revelation that Ivey might have stopped paying any alimony at all for the care and upkeep of Barry Greenstein's beard. The beard, whose delicate composition and balance requires 24 hour support is now in danger of becoming a little scruffy round the edges – which is bound to see more lawsuits based on the psychological damage caused.

It was not always this way.

Back in the day, when their relationship was fresh and new, Ivey could do no wrong in the eyes of Barry. Storming to WSOP final tables, getting ferried from craps game to craps game in helicopters and generally appearing plastered all over utterly corrupt online poker sites were just part of the joy.

Now those nosebleed stakes cash games in front of the fire seem like a distant memory.

A harsh new reality has come around.

So harsh that Greenstein is now suggesting that their divorce judge, one Bill Gonzalez, may be biased in Ivey's favor when it comes to the fair settlement and distribution of the silverware.

While looking through an old staking database, it emerged that Ivey may have staked Gonzalez for the $15 180 SNGs at Pokerstars to the tune of some $5k, with a 60 / 40 spit and makeup included. This head the Greenstein camp to immediately file for disqualification based on allegations that helping out with those tricky mid-game situations could influence the judges fairness in deciding the split of worldy possessions.

Ivey and Greenstein's marriage started in May of 2002, when after a night of not drinking they decided on an Elvis impersonator drive-through service. Despite several happy years, the cracks in their relationship started showing towards the end of the 2000's – with both parties apparently mutual in their desire to be freed to pursue new beard-care partners.

The biggest speculation coming from this rather sad episode is whether the stopping of payments for beard alimony means that Ivey is bankrupt. After all, the payments were stopped at the same time Full Tilt went offline – and that Ivey has not been seen in the poker world since then... Could it be that the most feared man in poker will soon be in some downtown cardrooms battling the tourists on the $1 / $2 tables? Or will he just borrow a wad from the trunk of Lederer's BMW??


Friday, 11 November 2011

Quick Fire Friday, WSOP, Stars And More

What with the fact that there are traditionally no Fridays in October, there has not been a quick fire Friday here at Melted Felt for a while. For those readers new to the worlds only poker satire blog that officially used to be funny, QFF is where we summarize the week's poker news in chunks which are small enough for those who live futile lives waiting for the weekends to digest.

This week has been dominated by the World Series Of Poker and the November 9. Both TV ratings and the amount of people claiming the concept does not work were higher than ever – with record numbers of forum posters completely failing to see any contradiction with this.

As we got to the final 3 contestants it was kind of assumed that Lamb would win, meaning that the epic heads-up battle between Heniz and Staszko lead to what can only be described as the twitter equivalent of finding a piece of fluff on your sleeve.

In the end it was a win for Germany, with a whipper-snapping 22 year old taking the spoils. Puis Heniz declared after the win that, while he was generally unsure of what he would do with all that money, at least he would be able to pay someone else to wake up at 6am and put his towel on the sun loungers from now on...

Moving swiftly on before any temptation to mention a nation getting rich by artificially depressing the value of its currency by including lazy nations in your zone, then blaming them when it goes tits-up comes around.... doh!

Pokerstars 10 Year Anniversary

Also in the news this week, Pokerstars climbed onto the stage, took of their shoes and socks... then slowly stepped on the assorted bugs which are known as 'other poker sites'. Party, Titan and more were immediately prescribed a mixture of sedatives and sleeping pills which should see them only semi-awake until the promo ends as we start 2012.

For anyone who missed it we are talking a $10 Million Sunday Million, $1 game with $250k guaranteed (world record attempt), and 100 completely free $15k packages to the Caribbean Adventure... or you could play at *ahem another poker site and earn $6.26c in bonus cash for only 17 hours of play!

WPT Amneville

Congrats to Adrian Allain, who won the tournament least likely to be given a fvck about this week.

That about wraps it up for this week, there are some legal maneuvers on both sides of the pond at the moment... we will have to save that for another post!


Monday, 7 November 2011

Millions Pretending To Like WSOP Final Table Get Day Off To Recover

It has been a real strain this week for poker fans around the world, dear Melted Felt readers. First having to remember the names of the blandest November 9 since the month of November was invented last month – and then having to pretend that televised final table poker is somehow interesting.

Fortunately, with 2 of the three left in this years main event are from Europe, leading to the powers that be taking a day off to discuss whether the prize money should not be sequestered into a bailout fund for Greece instead.

It may be a nail biting delay for Lamb, Heinz and Staszko – for the rest of the poker world it is a welcome respite from the yearly ritual of pretending we give a fvck about the World Series for a couple of days.

The poker press are now furiously copying each others bland summaries of bust out hands without any blind sizes, only for the copies to be copied by 3rd tier 'poker news' websites, rewritten by outsourced teams and posted 4th tier poker news websites before being scraped, spun and end up on 5th tier sites which nobody ever reads and only actually exist to sell links to the crappy 4th tier sites, or something.

Bloggers will be busy summarizing the days events too, they really just wanted to tell you about binking that 45 man SNG last night... only, you know, it feels like they should be blogging about the main event... since everyone else thinks its so important, don't they?

Cool players with high post counts on popular forums will be critizing hands based on summaries of copied poker news sites, disagreeing to ensure that people remember they are a strong character, with an opinion and everything.

Tweeters retweeting the latest bustouts to bloggers who retweet those tweets to the poker news site owners as they feel this is what bloggers should do, while the odd 3rd teir poker news site owner feels very pleased that the thin article he wrote based on pokernews' reporting got tweeted at all - writers and bloggers who are wondering why they feel they should be interested. seeing the mass of interest and assuming everyone else cares.

Do not worry.

Nobody really cares.

Its only going to take one component of this house of proverbial cards to fall before everyone looks at each other in momentary embarrassment, shrugs, and then carries right on with whatever they were doing anyway.

In 2 days time it will all be over again for another year. A new champ will be crowned, a short debate will be held online which will conclude that he just ran good and that anyone could have won with that kind of luck... then we can all go back to our own ev graphs and stop this rather strenuous activity of pretending to care about anyone except ourselves


Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Another Fresh Fruity And Fabulous Full Tilt Update

Naysayers have already moved on to brand new areas to say nay about this morning, dear Melted Felt readers, as the deal that could never happen appears to have been done. Yes, players with funds locked up on dodgy poker site Full Tilt Poker are celebrating this evening – even as their entire historical player records are to be handed over to the IRS.

In a deal with tax accountants and tax evasion lawyers nationwide, the DOJ will spearhead the *ahem* repayment of Full Tilt Players as part of a deal with French onion-selling giant Group Bernard Manning. With every American player due to get their cash back through the official federal channels there are one or two who might just have, erm, forgotten that every dollar earned is taxable now wondering whether they can retroactively amend their tax forms...

Players worldwide will be payed off my Bernard Tapie himself from the back of Howard Lederers BMW, with the proceeds of the 3-2 victory of Barcelona over Bayern Munich in next years Champions League final. While affiliates and rakeback providers will be offered bretton striped t-shirts with pictures of both the Eiffel Tower and Statue of Liberty with the words “I worked my butt off for FTP and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” as their means of compensation.

Not only will those forgetful tax payers be in for an interesting spring, at campuses around the US are set to see a bunch of 'massive winners' slowly and surely back down on their claims of having, 'ya know, half a mill, something like that' locked up on the site... Now the money could actually be repaid, their claims of being high-stakes pros who were ruined by the 'un-American' efforts of their own justice department are looking like they might need to be validated in front of their peers... A long way down from several hundo-thousand to $3.36c won in that freeroll, eh?

Some moms and pops might be a little surprised when they receive compensation on their credit cards for binking that MTT last March too.

Anyway, here at Melted Felt we welcome the news and honestly look forward to seeing some competition for Pokerstars on the horizon... we wonder if things will be too late for those out of work Full Tilt Poker Avatars.


Monday, 31 October 2011

It's Offical! Hourly Rate For Trick or Treating Now Beats Grinding SNGs

Not so much a tale of spooks and specters today, dear Melted Felt readers, as a cautionary tale of sample sizes, skeletons and projecting hourly rates of today to the far far future based on running good for a couple of hours you fucking donkey... but without the skeletons.

We join Nate, who, after taking his younger siblings Trick or Treating for 3 hours this halloween, totalled up the sweets, treats and goodies and decided that the hourly rate - at some $14.67 - was actually higher than his current $8.19c per hour grinding turbo SNGs online.

Nate then did some sums on the margin of an old Cardplayer magazine, noting that at 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week for 50 weeks a year Trick or Treating could net him a *ahem* tax free take of almost $30k yearly... more than he could possibly earn as a 'corporate slave' and he'd be free at the same time. Nate immediately decided to drop out of college and become a 'Trick or Treat Pro'.

So, the very next day Nate dressed up as an Egyptian Mummy and went out Trick or Treating once more, with a combination of leftover treats and some amused householders he was able to hit $9 an hour, blaming his slightly down take from yesterday run on being skilled - but having below average luck.

The next day saw Nate's take way down, a mere $3 per hour, now our man new he was one of the most naturally skilled Trick or Treaters around... so there must be something going on right? Were householders in this neighborhood now rewarding unskilled new Trick or Treaters - sucking them into the system so that they would lose more later??

Abuse now started to come in as he knocked on doors, but Nate just blamed this on 'the Haters' who simply did not understand that a Trick or Treat grinder was a perfectly good profession - pointing out that, in fact, his Treatscope (TM) graph proved that he was one of the best 'invisible men' on the block and that would play anyone who disagreed heads-up for their entire collection of Twinkies.

As the days rolled by it became more and more obvious that the books, training sites and coaching had simply made Trick or Treating's expected value so wafer thin that it was impossible for even the most talented player to make a living any more. But not to worry dear readers, Nate is already in discussion with some rich poker backers who are believed to be about to shell out to the tune of a brand new count dracula costume - complete with coffin, which will enable Nate to move up to the posher neighborhoods, where people respect his door-knocks.

Good Luck at those doorsteps Nate - we'll follow up soon to find out whether Trick or Treating is really rigged...


Monday, 24 October 2011

Jim Green Becomes 100,000th Person To Choose The Joker Avatar At Pokerstars

Poker records come and poker records go, to be parked in that special place in memory where things which we were never interested in to start with gently fade away. Only today a different kind of record has been broken. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, Jim Green (known as 'Greeny' to his buddies and James to his Mom) officially became to 100,000th player to upload a 'Joker' avatar to his Pokerstars account to display at the tables.

Making the connection between the Joker character in the Batman films and the Joker playing card – and wanting this to represent ones character at the tables – was an obvious and highly individual choice for Jim. Feeling his insight was both amusing and unique, he simply googled 'Joker' found the one of the same 3 pictures everyone else uses, and hit the upload button with a grin.

Like the other 99,998 'Joker' displaying players, Jim thinks of himself as both tricky and smart.

Anyone who has played the game of poker for more than 3 days would of course realize that he is mixing up the terms 'tricky and smart' with 'plays backwards'.

Checking when strong and making big bluffs when weak is a great way to feel like you are playing deceptively, that you are running rings around your unwitting opponents in the same way that Heath Leger ran around Batman in movie theaters all over the world. Actually what it means is that you are playing small pots when ahead, letting draws catch you up and losing big pots when waayyy behind. Of course, according to Jim it is the fact that there are just too many clueless donks which explains his negative results, nothing what so ever to do with the fact that he only ever limps while holding aces...

At this point in the post astute readers will have noticed that there is one player missing... with 99,998 players whose river bluffs are easy calls, Jim (whose river bluffs are also easy calls) we would only get to 99,999 – and not the record breaking 100,000th player mentioned in the title.

Well, the missing player is Bill Hodgeson, of Montreal Canada. He got blind drunk one night, thought that changing his avatar to the joker would be really very cool and then switched to the plain (avatar-free) table view. Bill is making a fvcking fortune in the cash games at the moment, he gets paid off again and again while holding nut or near nut hands. His graph is so steep that Pokerstars security have already checked him out... Actually Bill is a pretty average tightish grinder, funny how those Joker icons can help get you paid off huh?

No, wait a minute here.

Ah well, my dog looks cute enough, and gives absolutely nothing away about my weak-loose style of play... I'll stick to that one.

No, wait another minute...


Friday, 21 October 2011

Alderney Full Tilt Scandal Escalates...

Full Tilt are still not back, and with scapegoats chewing sparse and dry grass from the rocky ground – all eyes are on the people who game them a gaming license in the first place, the Alderney Gaming Council. When yesterday's admission that they were holding their pocket calculators upside-down trying to spell out BOOBLESS when the FTP accounts were being checked... and somehow missed a missing $150 mill - we thought it best to dispatch the best investigative journalist rodent for a poker satire blog which used to be funny in the whole goddam world. Yes, we sent in the one and only Melted Felt Mole.

To say his findings were shocking would be, well, pretty obvious, since we make them up anyway. Once you see the shocking complacency with which this once highly regarded jurastiction handled licencing you will wonder why you ever thought online poker was a 'smart career choice' in the first place.

After a painstaking session of mole-like due-dilligence, here is what the MF Mole found:

-Alderney had actually underestimated Ray Bitar's ego by a factor of 10, this was caused when Sue (a rather nicely presented part-timer in the finance department) had mistakenly dropped a zero and added it to the size of mouth column... which obviously nobody noticed.

- The council had also overestimated their own ability to run a decent licensing regime by more than 83%. Thinking this was all about having those great little badges designed for the websites of site owners and simply paying regular visits to the trunk of Led's car. They had missed some of the stuff about protecting players and ensuring funds were segregated when Polly, from the business controls department, got distracted by the Times cryptic crossword and dropped that particular part of the contract down the back of the photocopier.

- It was not only accounting that was lacking in foresight, Colin from Public Relations also misjudged the anger felt by victims of the council's complete lack of enforcement, and in doing so missed the bad publicity coming from all corners of the globe to the rather twee island licensing scam. Not that Colin cares, he will be half way through that bottle of gin by 10am anyway and fast asleep by lunchtime.

It could be worse, dear Melted Felt readers, after all the head of official looking documents is still doing a fantastic job of spewing red-herrings in semi legal language. Oh, and Mrs Fields from the admin department is always spot on with her bookings in those fancy London hotels for 'hearings', with details taken care of right down to the last biscuit.

Of course, of all the licensing bodies that oversee poker sites, it is only Alderney who fell asleep at the wheel... all of the others are totally legit and 100% diligent, meaning your cash is completely safe, right?


.... Right?


Thursday, 20 October 2011

William Hill Staff Walk Out In Support Of Bots

If there is one thing we can be sure of, dear Melted Felt readers, it is that a future run by Skynet will involve working on the Sabbath. What we are less certain about is the passion and the vigor of staff at strangely named gaming outfit William Hill, who have apparently walked out of their Tel Aviv office in support of sacked poker bots.

After the poker bot scandal broke, turned into a game of Chinese-whispers and quickly spread as 'proven' on the interwebnetz, the bots knew something was up.

Things quickly deteriorated when HR put the entire bot team (including middle management) on notice that their contracts were being reviewed in accordance with the pre-1967 borders and that only those bots who had completed military service would be considered for the next round.

Smoldering resentment turned into a declaration of war on Iran, no, erm, sorry – I meant outright annoyance – as management at this iPoker site's software provider PlayTech refused to follow every other damn poker site on the planet and introduce synchronized breaks. When they were told that the ECOOP was no longer running that was the final straw... the bots walked out.

Not to be deprived of an afternoon off, the human staff have now walked out in support.

A funny thing then happened – senior management noticed that KPIs for customer service actually went up without their pork-dodging human support staff... meetings were held, powerpoint presentations created and consultants consulted – and the options were laid out for all to see.

Would it be a move to the UK, or Gibraltar? Would the department be outsourced to India? Would there be one of those training camps where staff have to fall backwards into each other to foster teamwork and team spirit?


The only sensible option was taken.

Striking human staff were laid off with immediate effect – and the out of work poker-bots were retrained to focus on customer service. A win-win if we ever heard one.

What is it with that poker site name though?


Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Poker Hall Of Fame Preview

Fear strikes deep into the hearts of Melted Felt readers at this time of the year. The nerves fray with the worry that if Tom McEnvoy is denied a place just one more time – he may be pissed enough to actually carry out his threat of writing another of those awful books…

We just feel that an award should be tailored, you know – to the individual – rather than just being ‘for being good at poker’. Instead of just a couple of people going forward, each nominee should have their own accolade. Once this is done there will be less disappointment for those who do not make the cut – and room for Melted Felt to suggest one very important candidate that the poker world seems to have completely forgotten.

List Of Nominees With Their Melted Felt Awards

1) Annie (oh Annie) Duke: Annie gets to take home the prestigious ‘Rats Leaving A Sinking Ship’ award, this is in recognition of her using mystic superpowers to not only leave UB before they failed, but have so little of the sh1t sticking to her personally…

2) John Juanda: “Completely Untiltable award, 2011”

3) Jennifer Harman: With 2 WSOP bracelets, this lady is considered the best poker playing woman around. Since the best men have between 9 and 11 bracelets (lets call it 10) we can happily award Jen the ‘Thanks for the statistical proof that women are only 20% as good at poker as men” award.

4) Linda Johnson: Won a ’97 Bracelet in a side event, and is very good at writing and charity-stuff… we are so baffled by this nomination that the only plausible explanation would involve giving the “you can have whatever f ing award you like, as soon as we get the negatives” award.

5) Barry Greenstein: We are bored with the ‘Robin Hood of Poker’ line which has been quoted and requoted for years now, we think Bazza should get in for being cool enough to be a mate of Iveys, and for having an absolutely smashing beard.

6) Jack McLelland – Wife is friends with the judge’s wife award?

7) Marcel Luske: The ‘Only the Dutch could think turning your sunglasses upside-down is funny’ award and the ‘vauge attempt to have one overseas player to try and pretend that this HOF is more than just Americans patting each other on the back’ awards are neck and neck in our minds, oh do on then, have both, for sure, for sure!

8) Huck Seed: The ‘Let me in and I’ll split the millions from all the prop bets on me never making it award’.

9) Scotty Nygen: ‘What? You mean he is not in there already? This is one fvcked up hall of fame, baby’ award.., seriously baffled that some of the other names could even be considered while Scotty sits on the sidelines.

10) Tom McEnvoy – “Let me in this year, or I’ll carry out my threat to write another of those goddam awful books’ award

So, there you have it – the nominees.

If we may be so bold though, there is one important person who should walk all over this field and be admitted immediately. Barak Obama of course… Sure, he killed off online poker as you knew it on his watch and has done nothing to encourage any legislation which might bring it back soon...

You are not thinking straight here, dear Melted Felt readers, if Obama can get the Nobel Peace prize while engaged in multiple wars and killing his own citizens abroad with remote controlled drones – then surely he can get into the poker hall of fame by destroying the online game??


Thursday, 6 October 2011

Bots: We Would Never Touch iPoker, Its Not Cool Enough.

As the latest scandal breaks, regurgitated by crappy poker news sites around the world as a slightly refreshing break from bland bonus code themed items, we take a look from the other side – dear Melted Felt readers.

With the latest improvements in AI able to mimic emotions in computer programs, we have a situation where many perfectly respectable poker bots have been left feeling publicly humiliated. Yes the association with the crappy iPoker software and bland game selection has left many bots unable to sit at the tables elsewhere for fear of being mocked by their human counterparts.

First up though, the story itself, what looked like a somewhat confused Customer Service rep commenting on a user id which was so fvcking obviously one of the 10,000+ humans who think it is really funny to use some variation of ‘bot’ in their name started the whole thing… in German.

Hordes of 2+2ers then jumped on the chance to raise their oh-so-precious post counts by typing genuinely shocked one liners – and before you new it the ‘scandal’ found its was into the 3rd rate poker news that clogs up the tubes of the interweb on a daily basis. Not wanting to miss a trick, some other poker sites (eh Mr Ayre?) jumped in… hoping that the floods of players leaving William Hill and iPoker would land at their sites instead.

Not only was the only ‘proof’ a seemingly mixed up CS rep quoting the Casino Terms and conditions, the ‘bot’ itself turned out to be multi-talented, having played many different forms of poker and won a few tournaments too!

Still, Chinese whispers are Chinese whispers, the genie is out of the bottle and, erm, something or other to do with stable doors, plagues and clich├ęs.

Now the bots are after an apology.

I can see their point too… you think bots are just algorithms these days? NO! they have feelings too and no self respecting bot would have been playing on William Hill for a single day after clearing their sign-up bonus. All the cool bots are playing at Pokerstars with the other bots and pro-grinder humans, after all – their pre-programmed logic was based on a set of assumptions from those very 2+2ers who started the thread – that being seen to be cool in the eyes of poker peers you will never know is more important than playing in soft games and actually winning money... and it is now programmed in.

Donations to losing bots anonymous can be transferred to player: bot18825624 on William Hill Poker.


Monday, 3 October 2011

Pokersite Cons - 10 Gripes And No Adverts

It seems to me, dear Melted Felt readers, that every website and it’s dog are happy to waffle on about just how great every single poker site is… It is hollow of course, jaded readers know full well they want you to sign up so they can collect a percentage of your pitifully low rake as you bust one $50 buy-in after another.

Even when a site is ‘honest’ enough to bring you the cons of a site, this is usually like the interview question where they ask you about a weakness. “Oh, I’m just too damn hardworking curse me, I just can’t help being a perfectionist”…

Anyway, I play on enough poker sites to know a few real cons when I see them… so without further pointless waffle – here is my cheerful Monday morning list of 10 poker site gripes.

#1 – Party Poker: When I get sucked out on my the 100th donkey of the session and close the tournament table in disgust, the last thing I want to see is a pop up message saying ‘are you sure you want to leave? You are playing a hand….”. No Party, the hand is over, I busted – now let me go and sulk without adding insult to fvcking my injury.

#2 – Pokerstars: Oh there are only 500 people in this tournament, I’ll join should be over by midnight… late reg follows, 2000 more join and at 3am you min cash, at 4am you have added $3 more to your min cash and at 5am you bust for double your buy-in… now looking forward to my 7am alarm like a hole in the head.

#3 – Titan / iPoker: No synchronized breaks – why? Every other damn site online breaks at 5 to the hour… why do I have to give up that precious time when I interact with the rest of the world to keep playing at Titan? (Actually I don’t, there are enough tournaments elsewhere not to have to bother without a very good reason, you listening Titan?).

#4 – Carbon / Merge: No, those animated headbanging panda cartoon things are not funny, especially when they distract me from the near-impossible task of finding the lobbies of tournaments I'm playing in.

#5 – Party Poker 2: What the fvck is your slider all about, eh? 2x or 4x or just up and down and up and down until it is a choice of 4x or timing out, grrrr.

#6 – Pokerstars 2: When I want to find a tournament to play in, could I please not have to scroll through 300 hyper turbo Sunday Million satellites each with 1 Swedish player waiting in it, please?

#7 – Party Poker 3: Sometimes my computer likes to load applications, download stuff and all that – well – computery sort of stuff. This does not mean I lack enough memory for your crappy card animations, far from it. Please stop switching them off 5 times per session, please.

#8 – OnGame / Red Kings: Now, what the f is up with those 5 handed SNGs, I mean, really? You fixed it for cash games, so the thing stopping you making the SNGs 6-handed is what exactly??

#9 – Pacific / Nope, I am not going to sit wearing red / green glasses playing poker – nobody is - you are just being silly.

#10 Titan / iPoker: Your tables are pretty plain, with fairly average graphics, not too many functions or scripts which should slow things down… so why oh why do they take 2 minutes to load? Why do I have to click ok on 3 different pop up messages while it does so,? And (for crying out loud) if you are going to fold my hands when I move table because your crappy PlayDoh software can not change fast enough – at least have the courtesy to not move me from the Big Blind on one table straight into the Big Blind on the next.

Got any gripes about online poker sites?

Good for you, keep them to yourself now won’t you – nobody likes a whiner.

M (whiner) F

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