Thursday, 20 January 2011

Pokerstars Home-Games Branded Unrealistic

An exclusive today, dear Melted Felt readers – a story so new you’ll only read it here - at the only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny.

Now, unless you have been living under a bridge in a rather nice detached cardboard-box style residence complete with plastic bag roof, you will know that Pokerstars recently brought in their ‘home-games’ functionality. Dispite the fanfair, the big advertising budget and the thin – yet oh so knowing – smile in the direction of Full Tilt… we felt there was something missing from the new functions… something not quite right.

Home games just don’t play like online poker games, so I got together with those special friends which live only inside my head and came up with a small list of suggestions. The idea here, dear readers, is to see if we can’t make the Stars Homegames more, erm, homegame-y.

Hopefully our suggestions will be in time for the next software upgrade:

- Fold Buttons: Surely not everyone can have a fully functional fold-button if we are to maintain that authentic home-game feeling?
- The 8x pre-flop raise button: This would save a lot of clicking
- Underbet Feature: To replicate that a$$hole who announces raise to $30, then splashes $25 all over the pot in $1 chips such a way as it is difficult to verify.
- The ‘Is it on me?’ button
- Does a 4-card straight actually beat 3-pair? Sure we can look at the rules online anytime… though how do we resolve this one when drunk?
- Sweet Talk The Hosts Sister after being knocked out first hand of the home game SNG button.
- Soggy Corner on the king of clubs, after some clown puts his beer on it.
- The ‘All Limp’ button: This would save a lot of time, come on guys we know that any 2-cards can hit a monster on the flop.
- The ‘What are the blue ones worth?’ function, someone is going to ask, would be needed for all of the colors of course.
- Extra Late entry function, for the idiot nobody actually likes who turns up 2 hours late when you are down to 4 players and has to be dealt in as he is the key donator in the cash game to be played later.
- A ‘Dealers Choice Plus’ button: Not only good for games like 5-card Omaha Hi-Lo with 2 boards, crazy pineapple and 9-card stud, but with a special feature which enables some prat to introduce a new rule half way through the hand.
- The all-important 'How much is it to call?' button, for the guy who folds every hand all night while texting on his iphone, then decides to get tricky with the aces...

I’m sure there are many more out there… I’ll save them up for a future post.


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