Saturday, 29 January 2011

The Real WSOP 2011 Schedule?

It is that time of the year again, dear Melted Felt readers. The time when millions of slightly losing 10NL players start to dream of how damn cool they will look on the televised final table of the World Series of Poker main event. They count up their player points, check the back of the sofa for extra cash to deposit and get stuck in to the WSOP satellites online.

Hang on for a moment though. That schedule looks kind of dry, right? It misses something, something like the information of who and why, something about the thinking behind each event in the list... Worry not! Melted Felt, the only poker satire blog in the whole world that is officially no longer funny, has filled in the gaps for you!!

Without further ado - Possibly the Real WSOP 2011 Schedule

Tuesday, May 31st Event #1: For people who would have been poker pros, if only those aces had held up on the bubble back in '98. (Casino Employees NL Hold’em, $3.50c buy-in)

Tuesday, May 31st Event #2: Heads-Up No Limit Hold’em Championship, max of 256 rich sadists, priced to guarantee some celeb bracelet winners early enough for the publicity people.
$25,000 buy-in

Wednesday, June 1st avent #3: Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better for players wearing sandals with white socks. $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 2nd Event #4: NL Hold’em For soon to be disappointed Internet Prodigies, to be won by an unknown Norwegian . $5,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 2nd Event #5: Seven Card Stud For players with beards. $1,500 buy-in

Friday, June 3rd Event #6: Limit Hold’em with 23% of the field guaranteed not to have realized it was fixed limit until too late, $1,500 buy-in

Friday, June 3rd Event #7: Pot Limit Hold’em Championship for slightly puzzled NL Holdem fans, how much can I raise again? $10,000 buy-in


Saturday, June 4th Event #8: No Limit Hold’em for players who will join the $10k events just as soon as their damn luck evens out. $1,000 buy-in

Saturday, June 4th Event #9: No Limit 2-7 Draw Lowball, sponsored by the sado-masochist society. $1,500 buy-in

Monday, June 6th Event #10: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed for players who were sucked out on in event #8. $1,500 buy-in

Monday, June 6th Event #11: Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better Championship for players with split pot personalities. $10,000 buy-in

Tuesday, June 7th Event #12: Triple Chance No Limit Hold’em, after the forums buzz with who is going to 'breakthrough' this year, this will be won by an old time poker pro, or an unknown Norwegian. $1,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 8th Event #13: No Limit Hold’em Shootout, please note that due to a prior booking of a Celine Dione concert, this event will be held at the OK Coral. $1,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 8th Event #14: Limit Hold’em, 3 bet that you internet whipper-snappers event. $3,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 9th Event #15: Pot Limit Hold’em for players who ran below ev in events #8 and #10. $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 9th Event #16: No Limit 2-7 Draw Lowball Championship exclusively for players who cut themselves during their teenage years, to express their true inner feelings - man. $10,000 buy-in

Friday, June 10th Event #17: HORSE, no no, not holdem, omaha, razz, stud and stud-8 - this is the no-limit holdem event for horses. $1,500 buy-in

Saturday, June 11th Event #18: No Limit Hold’em, in which the poker world breathes a collective sigh of relief when Phil Hellmuth gets knocked out just before winning. $1,500 buy-in


Saturday, June 11th Event #19: Limit Hold’em Six-Handed for people who ran below ev in the earlier event, can't be that different to No-Limit, eh? $2,500 buy-in


Sunday, June 12th Event #20: No Limit Hold’em, for the remaining 7000 players who played great but could not get the donks to fold in events #8, #10, #12, #15 and #18 $1,000 buy-in


Sunday, June 12th Event #21: Seven Card Stud Championship for players with full beards only, no goatees or sculpted side-boards allowed. $10,000 buy-in

Monday, June 13th Event #22: Pot Limit Omaha, 27% of the field guaranteed to attempt using 1 or 3 cards from their hand. $1,500 buy-in

Monday, June 13thEvent #23: Eight-Game Mix, sponsored by the ADHD society. $2,500 buy-in

Tuesday, June 14th Event #24: No Limit Hold’em Shootout, because SNG players deserve some love too. $5,000 buy-in

Tuesday, June 14th Event #25: Seven Card Stud High-Low Eight or Better for players who are starting to get desparate for a score. $1,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 15th Event #26: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed, because cash game grinders deserve a little love too. $2,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 15th Event #27: Limit Hold’em Championship for players who don't like to fold for just one more bet. $10,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 16th Event #28: No Limit Hold’em for players who ran below ev in... yeah yeah, you got it by now. Probably won by Tom Dwan, or maybe an unknown Norwegian? $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 16th Event #29: Ten-Game Mix Six-Handed, to add to the excitement all players are required to smoke crystal meth during the breaks. $2,500 buy-in

Friday, June 17th Event #30: Seniors No Limit Hold’em Championship, bathroom breaks scheduled every 15 minutes. $1,000 buy-in

Friday, June 17th Event #31: Blindfolded Pot Limit Omaha, you won't know which side of the 51%/49% you were until the hand is over. $3,000 buy-in

Saturday, June 18th Event #32: No Limit Hold’em, lets just call it the world series of small buy-in NL Holdem and have fvucking done with it shall we?? $1,500 buy-in

Saturday, June 18th Event #33: Seven Card Stud High-Low Split Eight or Better Championship, come on Mike, how many chances do you need? $10,000 buy-in

Sunday, June 19th Event #34: No Limit Hold’em, the early start time should keep the field under 4000ish. $1,000 buy-in

Monday, June 20th Event #35: P1ssed Pot Limit Omaha Six-Handed, mandatory shooters after every hand should make this one fun. $5,000 buy-in

Tuesday, June 21st Event #36: No Limit Hold’em, a great opportunity to swap bad beat stories from the 19 previous smaller buy in NL Holdem events. $2,500 buy-in

Tuesday, June 21st Event #37: HORSE Championship, this one is the mixed game poker version, no actual horses allowed. $10,000 buy-in

Wednesday, June 22nd Event #38: No Limit Hold’em, really? another one? what if they banned hoodies and ipods for one? Anything to make it different, anything... $1,500 buy-in


Wednesday, June 22nd Event #39: Pot Limit Hold’em/Omaha, each time the game changes, whoever is on the button has to tell a story or amusing anecdote involving an animal. $2,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 23rd Event #40: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed, because you'd better have the goods to push me off of my button... $5,000 buy-in

Friday, June 24th Event #41: Limit Hold’em Shootout, reserved for dwarves, siamese twins, hunchbacks, beared women and people 98% or more covered in tatoos. $1,500 buy-in

Friday, June 24th Event #42: Naked Pot Limit Omaha Championship, held behind closed doors to protect the public. $10,000 buy-in

Saturday, June 25th Event #43: No Limit Hold’em, because they fvucking can. $1,500 buy-in

Saturday, June 25th Event #44: Seven Card Razz only for players with greying full beards and girlfriends at least 25 years younger. $2,500 buy-in

Sunday, June 26th Event #45: No Limit Hold’em, haha hehe to the funny farm, where the grass is green and life is beautiful all of the time. $1,000 buy-in

Monday, June 27th Event #46: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed Championship, for big, butch, button buying ballers. $10,000 buy-in

Monday, June 27th Event #47: Omaha/Seven Card Stud High-Low Eight or Better, for a little variety in the highs and lows of everyday poker games. $2,500 buy-in


Tuesday, June 28th Event #48: No Limit Hold’em, guuurggle, gib gib gib, sppplllaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh $1,500 buy-in


Tuesday, June 28th Event #49: Limit 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball for players who never really came to terms with the death of their pet hamster, fluffy, all those years ago. $2,500 buy-in


Wednesday, June 29th Event #50: Triple Chance No Limit Hold’em, shop now - your big chance to get 3 totally separate bad-beat stories for the price of, erm, three. $5,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 30th Event #51: Pot Limit Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better on Acid, mixing the highs with the lows in a truly psychedelic experience. $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 30th Event #52: Mixed Hold’em, no no, thats mixed, not fixed. $2,500 buy-in

Friday, July 1st Event #53: Ladies No Limit Hold’em Championship, with special chart to show what the blue chips are worth. $1,000 buy-in

Saturday, July 2nd Event #54: No Limit Hold’em, well, whodafvckingthunkit, NL Holdem again
$1,000 buy-in

Saturday, July 2nd Event #55: Poker Player’s Championship, called the real world championship - but only by those whose entries are paid for by their sponsor poker sites. $50,000 buy-in

Tuesday, July 5th Event #56: No Limit Hold’em, OMG if you don't cash this one thats another blank year, shoot and you were so sure it was going to be your turn too. $1,500 buy-in

Tuesday, July 5th Event #57: Pot Limit Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better specially scheduled for players desperate for a bracelet, any fvucking bracelet. $5,000 buy-in


Thursday, July 7th Event #58: Main Event, confirmed as a HUGE anticlimax for everyone concerned as the pros get busted, some boring online grinders final table, then shutting down for months the moment it gets interesting... maybe next year, huh?

Whew, what a list... if you enjoyed it please help spread the word... thanks!

MF

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