Monday, 28 February 2011

Melted Felt Poker Oscar Acceptance Speech Binned

Disappointed is not the word, dear Melted Felt readers. There I was, all suited and booted, ready for the big speech… and you know what, they dropped the "Best Poker Satire Blog That Used To Be Funny” category from this years Oscars. I’d been hotly tipped to win too – though these tips were usually followed pretty fast by “ and will you stop bugging me now??”.

Sure, I had found it a little strange that no actual invitation to the awards ceremony in LA had arrived. After making 231 phone calls pretending in turn to be my secretary, agent, PR company and / or over-excited fans I confirmed reasonably surely that I was not on the list. Still, the obvious answer was the tie-in between blogging on a 7 year old theme and the high-tech world of the internet… So, I had my webcam set up, had cleared my cookies and cache and had 17 copies of my speech taped, nailed, glued and / or stapled onto the walls around and behind my computer. What, as they say, could possibly go wrong?

I was going to thank you – my dear readers, who stayed with me through the good old funny days into the current period of being officially not funny at all any more. There would have been a tear in my eye as I explained that, well, I just could not have carried on towards the desolation and sadness of being a shadow of a once great blog without each and every one of you...

Of course, I’d have thanked the poker players too. Without such a fascinating subject as 20 year old greasy-haired geeks who spend 16 hours a day in front of their computers and have no idea how to relate to women – what would I have written about for all these years?? If it were not for the fact that most of the players genuinely believe that they only lost money over the last few million hands because they are *cough* unlucky, who would I have taken my light hearted jabs at for all this time?

It is not just the pathetic college dropouts destined to become taxi-drivers when the 6-month heater they extrapolated 30 years into the future comes to its sudden and inevitable end. I’d like to thank the Stars too… theose big name pros who are, compared to any other sport, profession or entertainment category – completely and utterly dull. We love you poker stars, and we love to write stories about your monotonous and shallow lives. We love to try – really fvcking hard – to believe your TV appearances are more interesting than the documentary about the sex lives of Llamas on the other channel. We love to talk up your petty disputes, we love to look through rose-tinted glasses at the female players - and most of all, we love to pretend to give a fvck who is up and who is down in the high stakes games from one week to the next.

Lastly, I was planning on thanking the poker sites. Not that they need my thanks, since they already have my money that will probably be good enough. Oh and they already have your money too! You a winner? Ah, well you are probably very proud of the fact that they only take 70% of their fees from you, rather than the full 100% - since you have a fantastic rakeback deal, guess that makes you feel real good about paying the site 70% over 12 tables, 12 hours a day then?

No, on second thoughts, the poker sites were probably the very people who pulled strings and got the ‘Best Poker Satire Blog Which Used To Be Funny, 2011’ category pulled.

Then again, if Howard Lederer really is the single most influential person in the world of poker… maybe we are just not that important after all.


Thursday, 24 February 2011

Will Dancing With The Stars Bosses Rue Their Poker Casting Decision?

With the shocking news that the somewhat mouthy poker celebrity that players love to hate – Phil Hellmuth – may be scheduled to appear on Dancing With the Stars, Melted Felt can not help feeling that the network TV bosses in question have missed an opportunity.

The shallow and pointless lives of many online poker players could – and in our opinion should – have been enriched by the song and dance spectacular. It could have lead to waltzing during synchronized breaks, bluffing to that sexy salsa beat and doing the twist and shout instead of just the shout when hoping to nail that ace on the river.

Imagine how different things could have been if Tom Dwan, Viktor Blom or Patrik Antonius had been cast instead. Imagine the extra advertising revenue as under the table rakeback providers flocked to the advert breaks, bidding up the prices for the usual colostomy bag and funeral home ads. Imagine that, just for a moment those pale and spotty litte creeps who 16 table 12 hours a day craned their necks around the door of their ‘balla stations’ to partake in the family sport of critiquing people a quarter of their weight moving twice as fast as they are potentially able.

Now, if it were me I’d have gone one step farther. How about pairing the poker names up? I mean, who could resist the thought of a sensual tango between Daniel Negreanu and Annie Duke? Who better to show us a perfectly buffed pair of patent leather shoes than Gus Hansen, twirling a scowling Jennifer Harman in a rock n roll spectacular? The scintillating sight of Annette Obrestadt sweating and panting her way though a foxtrot with Tony G… or, erm, maybe don’t.


Monday, 21 February 2011

I Don't Like Mondays, Or Was That Grinders

Time for a musical interlude, dear Melted Felt readers. After hearing it in a taxi, I have had 'I don't like Mondays' by the Boomtown Rats well and truly stuck in my head for more than a week now... so what better idea than to share it. Only, hmmm, what has not liking Monday got to do with poker?

Thought of posting this on a Tuesday, only that does not sound much like the kind of thing that the world's only poker satire blog that is officially no longer funny should be doing, or something.

I Don't Like Grinders

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
And nobody’s gonna get to bluff today
She’s gonna make them all show down
And the grinder doesn’t understand it
The flop contained four spades
And he can see no reasons
‘Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need to ca-a-a-aaall?

Tell me why
I don’t like Donkeys
Tell me why
I don’t like Donkeys
Tell me why
I don’t like Donkeys
I wanna ca-a-a-a-a-al them the whole day down

The Pokertracker machine is kept so clean
And its HUD stats are adored
And the grinder feels so shocked
As he sees the fish get mocked
It doesn’t make no sense at all
And he can see no reasons
‘Cos there are no reasons
What reasons do you need to chase away free ca-ash-ash

Tell me why
I don’t like Money
Tell me why
I don’t like Money
Tell me why
I don’t like Money
I’m gonna cha-a-a-a-a-ase the fish away.

And all the playing has stopped at the table right now
While they check their session stats
And while the cash is down
There will be no frown
As the rakeback puts them up-up-up
And when the red line shows you winning
It does’nt make no sense at all
And he can see the reason
Coz bad luck is the reason
The reason that he can not go pro-oh-oh-ohoh

Tell me why
I don’t like Grinders
Tell me why
I don’t like Grinders
Tell me why
I don’t like Grinders
I want to sho-o-o-o-o-ot, the whiners down.


Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Gus Hansen’s Winning Streak Strong Evidence For Global Warming, Other Stuff

Here on the only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny, we are no strangers to shocking news – especially when it is made up by us. However, the big winning run of one Gus Hansen recently, totaling $2 million+, came as a bit of a big surprise.

It is the kind of surprise which has us checking over our shoulders as we play, thinking there might be hidden meaning in the way the TV news presenter looked out of the screen and right into our brain yesterday - and wondering if life as we know it really is just the equivalent of a termite farm for the kid of some super-intelligent intra-dimensional alien species (oh for fvcks sake Mark, get on with it – Ed)

Ah, ok, yes, Gus.

It would seem that extremes are clear evidence that man-made emissions are about to turn the Earth into a molten fire-ball killing off all life as we know it, and that Gus’ recent wins are just more proof that the tree-hugging soap-dodging dippy-hippies are right. “We compared Hansen’s recent winning run to statistical records going all the way back to the day before yesterday,” said Tarquin while removing a stray piece of tofu from his goaty-beard, continuing “its concrete proof of volatility, which, when you throw in a carefully few pseudo-scientific words must mean its gonna be bad”. At this point we grew irritated with Tarquin, and fried up some nice smokey bacon to chase him away with the smell.

This story almost stopped here, until we had a call from one Alf Huckle from the deepest woods of Montana, who took the time from oiling his huge collection of assault weapons to explain how Gus’ winning streak was actually predicted by the Mayans – the proof being a little round head carved into a pole with two massive semi-circles either side. Hansen’s win providing yet more proof that the world was going to end in 2012. Fortunately, Alf has already started training his militia to prevent the post-apocalypse world being taken over by the damn Reds.

We were about to publish, when a frantic last minute phone call came in from a correspondent who wished to remain anonymous. He suggested that there was clear evidence that Hansen’s uncles boss’s wife’s best friend's step-daughter had a large trust fund managed by none other than Goldman Sachs. This providing clear evidence that the investment giants were not only the real power behind every government and institution in the world – but that they were directly implicated in Gus Hansen’s recent run of good fortune too.

Finally we had a last-moment call claiming that Gus was actually the scientific proof searched for over two millennia that put the existence of God beyond any doubt… yeah, yeah, nice try sir, now who exactly do you think you are fooling with your gibberish about the existence of angry sky deities??


Saturday, 12 February 2011

Senator Jon Kyl To Focus On SNE Chase In 2012?

Speculation was mounting yesterday, dear Melted Felt readers, that another Federal level push for an online poker bill which current players would get excited about and then universally hate may be underway. As forum posters country-wide looked forward to another opportunity to whine that the PPA had not looked after the best interest of tax-dodging rakeback grinders living rent-free in their Mum’s basement, we bring you news that one key opponent of online gambling – Senator Jon Kyl has resigned.

Kyl, who famously held up key treasury positions during the peak of the economic crisis so that he could get his favorite peach-colored toilet paper in the senate bathrooms – rather than the plain white rolls mandated by Obama - has been a long time opponent of any form of wagering online. It came as even more of a shock to find out that rumors (started here, by me) indicate that Jon Kyl has actually resigned to focus on a Supernova Elite Chase during 2012.

“Its, like, more than $120k in benefits, not even including any profits from the games” an imaginary Kyl spokesman said yesterday, “Jon worked out that, with his pension from 26 years of service, smart investments made over the years from *cough* donations from the various lobbying groups – and then just 5 hours a day grinding SNGs, he’ll be laughing”

We asked about the apparent turn-around in Kyl’s anti-gaming stance, a mis-understanding which the imaginary spokesman quickly corrected. “Its not like SNGs are gambling, you fvcking fool” he said, “Jon is smart enough to think of the bubble in terms of prize pool equity, not just chips, and anyway, if he goes on a downswing it is just a couple of phone-calls and the bank accounts of any winning opponents are nuked” continuing, “without any of that political bullsh1t we estimate Jon should be a SNE in time for the World Series, after which we are considering challenging Ron Paul to a heads-up match – for rollz of course”.

Well, we wish Senator Kyl all the best in his new career, and hope that his example will see many potential politicians sit grinding in darkened rooms instead, after all, it beats working as a slave in a cube, man.


Thursday, 10 February 2011

Quick Fire Thursday - Random Poker News Roundup

I'm back, dear Melted Felt readers, and just in time for you to wonder why you should care that you did not realize I had been away... So, with a quick eyeballing of the main poker news sites it is pretty clear that things are as dull as ever. Without further waffling lets get the only poker satire blog that is officially no longer funny back into action.

- ARJEL, who regulate the French gambling market have asked Pokerstars to suspend their ‘Home Games’ functionality for the entire Garlic-Muncher population. Apparently, Pokerstars have their best programmers feverishly trying to come up with an algorithm in which more players can limp / call than actually started the game to meet the new requirements…

- Sticking with the Onion-Selling theme, it seems Cannes will be the venue for this years World Series Of Poker Europe. Successfully stealing the games from London representing the first French victory over England since 1066. Cannes is famous for nobody ever being able to remember who won anything at all at its ‘prestigious’ Annual Film festival.

- A new milestone passed unseen over at the 2+2 forums, where the 100,000th post in which someone asked a strategy question and ended up being personally insulted by more than 7 strangers while not having their original query addressed was posted – congrats from us!!

- Sensationally, Pokerstars have announced they are to drop their successful Double or Nothing SNGs, replacing them with a new 50 / 50 game in which half of the prize pool is determined by each players chip count. This should appeal to the ICM math geeks, who can play against each other while the rest of us follow the fish over to the DoN Games at Cake Poker.


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