Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Gus Hansen’s Winning Streak Strong Evidence For Global Warming, Other Stuff

Here on the only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny, we are no strangers to shocking news – especially when it is made up by us. However, the big winning run of one Gus Hansen recently, totaling $2 million+, came as a bit of a big surprise.

It is the kind of surprise which has us checking over our shoulders as we play, thinking there might be hidden meaning in the way the TV news presenter looked out of the screen and right into our brain yesterday - and wondering if life as we know it really is just the equivalent of a termite farm for the kid of some super-intelligent intra-dimensional alien species (oh for fvcks sake Mark, get on with it – Ed)

Ah, ok, yes, Gus.

It would seem that extremes are clear evidence that man-made emissions are about to turn the Earth into a molten fire-ball killing off all life as we know it, and that Gus’ recent wins are just more proof that the tree-hugging soap-dodging dippy-hippies are right. “We compared Hansen’s recent winning run to statistical records going all the way back to the day before yesterday,” said Tarquin while removing a stray piece of tofu from his goaty-beard, continuing “its concrete proof of volatility, which, when you throw in a carefully few pseudo-scientific words must mean its gonna be bad”. At this point we grew irritated with Tarquin, and fried up some nice smokey bacon to chase him away with the smell.

This story almost stopped here, until we had a call from one Alf Huckle from the deepest woods of Montana, who took the time from oiling his huge collection of assault weapons to explain how Gus’ winning streak was actually predicted by the Mayans – the proof being a little round head carved into a pole with two massive semi-circles either side. Hansen’s win providing yet more proof that the world was going to end in 2012. Fortunately, Alf has already started training his militia to prevent the post-apocalypse world being taken over by the damn Reds.

We were about to publish, when a frantic last minute phone call came in from a correspondent who wished to remain anonymous. He suggested that there was clear evidence that Hansen’s uncles boss’s wife’s best friend's step-daughter had a large trust fund managed by none other than Goldman Sachs. This providing clear evidence that the investment giants were not only the real power behind every government and institution in the world – but that they were directly implicated in Gus Hansen’s recent run of good fortune too.

Finally we had a last-moment call claiming that Gus was actually the scientific proof searched for over two millennia that put the existence of God beyond any doubt… yeah, yeah, nice try sir, now who exactly do you think you are fooling with your gibberish about the existence of angry sky deities??


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