Monday, 28 February 2011

Melted Felt Poker Oscar Acceptance Speech Binned

Disappointed is not the word, dear Melted Felt readers. There I was, all suited and booted, ready for the big speech… and you know what, they dropped the "Best Poker Satire Blog That Used To Be Funny” category from this years Oscars. I’d been hotly tipped to win too – though these tips were usually followed pretty fast by “ and will you stop bugging me now??”.

Sure, I had found it a little strange that no actual invitation to the awards ceremony in LA had arrived. After making 231 phone calls pretending in turn to be my secretary, agent, PR company and / or over-excited fans I confirmed reasonably surely that I was not on the list. Still, the obvious answer was the tie-in between blogging on a 7 year old theme and the high-tech world of the internet… So, I had my webcam set up, had cleared my cookies and cache and had 17 copies of my speech taped, nailed, glued and / or stapled onto the walls around and behind my computer. What, as they say, could possibly go wrong?

I was going to thank you – my dear readers, who stayed with me through the good old funny days into the current period of being officially not funny at all any more. There would have been a tear in my eye as I explained that, well, I just could not have carried on towards the desolation and sadness of being a shadow of a once great blog without each and every one of you...

Of course, I’d have thanked the poker players too. Without such a fascinating subject as 20 year old greasy-haired geeks who spend 16 hours a day in front of their computers and have no idea how to relate to women – what would I have written about for all these years?? If it were not for the fact that most of the players genuinely believe that they only lost money over the last few million hands because they are *cough* unlucky, who would I have taken my light hearted jabs at for all this time?

It is not just the pathetic college dropouts destined to become taxi-drivers when the 6-month heater they extrapolated 30 years into the future comes to its sudden and inevitable end. I’d like to thank the Stars too… theose big name pros who are, compared to any other sport, profession or entertainment category – completely and utterly dull. We love you poker stars, and we love to write stories about your monotonous and shallow lives. We love to try – really fvcking hard – to believe your TV appearances are more interesting than the documentary about the sex lives of Llamas on the other channel. We love to talk up your petty disputes, we love to look through rose-tinted glasses at the female players - and most of all, we love to pretend to give a fvck who is up and who is down in the high stakes games from one week to the next.

Lastly, I was planning on thanking the poker sites. Not that they need my thanks, since they already have my money that will probably be good enough. Oh and they already have your money too! You a winner? Ah, well you are probably very proud of the fact that they only take 70% of their fees from you, rather than the full 100% - since you have a fantastic rakeback deal, guess that makes you feel real good about paying the site 70% over 12 tables, 12 hours a day then?

No, on second thoughts, the poker sites were probably the very people who pulled strings and got the ‘Best Poker Satire Blog Which Used To Be Funny, 2011’ category pulled.

Then again, if Howard Lederer really is the single most influential person in the world of poker… maybe we are just not that important after all.


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