Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Cake Sale Shocker Sows The Seeds Of Doubt In Players Minds…

Shocking news is the bread and butter of the sub-niche of funny poker blogs which includes the 'used to be funny' space dominated by Melted Felt, dear readers – and it does not get any more shocking than the rumored sale of Cake Poker.

If ‘inside sources’ even more reliable than the babbling head-voices we use here are to be believed, Poker Listings, the super-affiliates who constantly take the p1ss out of Google with their (alleged!) aggressive link buying antics are about to close the deal to buy Cake.

The sale itself is not really the problem, at least according to the forums and blogs debating the news.

The problem people seem to have is that Poker Listings have suddenly made Cake their top rated poker site, giving them a hefty 8.2 out of 10 – a score which does not quite match up with peoples experience of this site being a little bit, well, sh1t. They gave themselves a big bonus offer too just to add Cake eating insult to the masses of breadless revolutionaries...

Indignation has been expressed.

Blood has boiled.

Spleens worldwide have been thoroughly vented.

How the hell could they give Cake 8.2 / 10??!

Now, hopefully, gentle Melted Felt readers, you are sitting comfortably and in a carefree, calm and vaguely jolly mood today – because I have some shocking and potentially stressful news for you.

This might not be the first time a business has rated a product or service based on how much they get paid and not only its inherent qualities.

I know, I know, difficult to imagine how it could be true. Bear with me here...

You see, when you find that random poker strategy site which goes on and on about how DogsTesties Poker dawt com is the most brilliant site to play at in the whole fvucking world ever, it might be the case that the $200 per player sent has *ahem* ‘persuaded’ the author a little tiny bit more than the quality of the games… When you see Stars disappearing down the list of ‘best sites’ it might be the fact that they do not actually need to pay affiliates to send them players who will end up there soon enough anyway… rather than something inherently bad about the site.

I understand that some readers will be a little perturbed at this point and so will spare you the examples from finance, retail, from travel and hospitality, from catering and from auto… etc

What is it with all the forum based faux-shock out there? Are people offended that Listings were a little too obvious? They crossed some imaginary don't rub it in my fvucking face please line? Are there people around who are genuinely na├»ve enough to believe that every ‘rating’ on every website was on the straight and narrow? Is the poker news so dull these days that any old excuse for a little rage is good enough?


Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Legalization Of Online Poker, Spring Update

Remember 2006 dear US Melted Felt readers? When there were so many fish that even slightly stupid players could win money, when you could deposit and withdraw at the click of a button... and when you could choose any damn poker site you wanted to play on?? No, of course most of you do not… its just a pipe dream that the old ‘uns tell you about the good old days – oh and a completely boring and normal situation for everyone outside of the US…

Anyway, I did not start this post to reminisce – far from it, this is a forward looking post. This post will be filled to the very brim with enthusiasm and positive energy as we look at many different efforts to legalize online poker so that millions of Americans can have the opportunity to pay far too much in rake and tax while thinking that they are good - just a little unlucky.

I’ll break it down from the Federal to the State level and see what is what:

2011 Poker Legislation #1 – Barney Frank’s New Bill

Yes, the man whose office would certainly completely deny he ever had a monkey testicle implanted into his nose is at it once again. Releasing the brand new, all singing and all dancing ‘Snowballs Chance Of Getting Through Committee Poker Regulation Bill, Do-Da-Do-Da-Day, version XXIV’.

The next step for this particular bill is to run down a tunnel with poisoned spears coming from either side, dodging a giant ball of rock which actually snuggly fills the tunnel, then swinging across a gaping chasm on an old rope. If the bill makes it this far it will then be attached to a fluffy kitten and put into the Gorilla cage at Washington DC zoo.

2011 Poker Legislation #2 – New Jersey

Well, this one is fvcked. After an epic slowroll from governor Chris Christie the only possible ‘out’ is now a referendum, if you think this has any chance then just go ask your gran if she thinks that internet gambling is a wholesome and desirable pastime.

2011 Poker Legislation #3 – California

Possibilities here, with a proposed 10% profits tax and 3 licenses – though not for those naughty sites who have not been breaking any laws we know of by offering poker since ’06. With a big enough population to make an intrastate system work this is a real possibility, possible stumbling blocks include the tribes not getting a big enough slice of the pie.

2011 Poker Legislation – Nevada

Now the business minds of Nevada know how gambling works, right? Low tax, big player pools and off we go! Nevada do not care about ‘past transgressions’, as long as potential licensees have deep pockets. They are smart enough to realize that a sh1tty intrastate room alone with never compete with the big sites, and so will open their doors to players from other states. Sounds like a winner to me, I wonder who might be behind this bill?

2011 Poker Legislation – Iowa

20% tax and a tiny population, the only positive I can see in this bill is that it might give some of the residents there a break from walking around in circles – something they are all doomed to do, since Iowans have one leg shorter than the other.

2011 Poker Legislation – Florida

Hot of the heels of allowing deep stacked play in casinos, Florida are also in the intrastate path. 10% tax sounds fair, and the bad-boys are out… with 96% of the population over 77 years of age, we can not help wonder if the games might be a little, well, slow.

So there you have it, the latest state of play… bet you are really fvucking glad you donated all that money to the Poker Players Alliance, erm, right?


Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Melted Felt Announces The Oryx Cup

High stakes poker tournaments with buy-ins of $100k+ are all very nice, dear Melted Felt readers – the thing is you can not afford to enter them. Well, to be honest neither can I, after all a humble Sunday major gets me a long lecture on just how many pairs of shoes that $215 could have bought from the *ahem* better half.

So, when I read that Full Tilt just announced the Onyx cup competition, with 5 prelim rounds with $100k to $300k buy-ins and a $250k final, I though it was time to stick up for the smaller stakes fans. Yes dear readers, I have taken the unprecedented step of setting up my very own poker tournament cup series based on a sub-saharan member of the antelope family – and believe this is a global first for poker satire bloggers who used to be funny.

(Drumroll Please) It is going to be ultra-low buy-ins so that sh1t poker players like you can join in too.

(Drumroll Again Please) It is going to called the Oryx Cup, because Onyx and Oryx sound similar and, well, you have to amuse yourself somehow.

(Yet Another Drumroll Please) Its going to follow in Full Tilt’s footsteps and be a series of live tournaments around the globe – followed by a grand finale in Vegas.

In fact the only difference I can see is the complete lack of luxury prizes* and slightly damp smell in some of the venues, oh and you can not qualify online – well, be a bit pointless really.
*Note: We will be awarding the winners those wooden carvings of Elephants and Giraffes which seem really cool at the time and then end up in a box under your stairs, along with giant pencils, straw donkeys and that undrinkable bottle of raki.

So, without further ado – here is the Global 2011 Oryx Cup Schedule:

Oryx Cup Event #1: $2.75c No Limit Holdem – 2nd May 2011, The store room behind the Fish, Fur and Feathers Pet Shop, Dagenham High Street, London. Please wink at the lady behind the cash desk and tell her you are here to see a man about a dog to gain entry.

Oryx Cup Event #2: $3 No Limit Holdem With Rebuys, either 6th or 7th of May 2011, Roman Peterov’s house, near St Petersburg, Russia. * The date actually depends on when his parents actually leave for their annual vacation at lake Baikal, bring your own vodka.

Oryx Cup Event #3: $1 Turbo No Limit Holdem, Happy Joy Restaurant, Xing China – 11th May 2011. Now, Mr Xui does not actually know we have chosen his somewhat shabby restaurant yet. We believe that as long as everyone orders a meal, all should be ok. I stronlgy recommend avoiding dishes marked ‘meat’.

Oryx Cup Event #4: $5 Pot-Limit Omaha, Bondai Beach, Australia – 19th May 2011. The organizers have requested that we inform you that any mention of the Ashes is strictly forbidden throughout this event.

Oryx Cup Event #5: Grand Final, $10 No-Limit Holdem, Sea-World, Las Vegas, 27th May 2011. The grand final will be held by the main show pool, with the blinds going up every time a Seal catches a fish, and the play going in the opposite direction around the table for 10 minutes whenever a whale jumps though a hoop.

We look forward to welcoming as many players as possible to our cup, and remember, making the first year a success could see things expand in future years. Who knows, we could be having our very own November 9 competing for the top prize of a branded Full Tilt Poker chip set any year now!


Thursday, 10 March 2011

Sunday $5 Million To Be Re-Run After Underage Player Scandal?

We were shocked, horrified and, erm, baffled, dear Melted Felt readers – to find out that one of the final table big-winners in last week’s 5th anniversary Sunday Million was a minor. Yes, a minor as-in someone not yet old enough to drive a heavy-goods vehicle… not a myna, which is a type of talking bird.

Anyway, Pokerstars investigated and it looks like they have decided to take the dosh from 17 year old Jimmy Jonker, realizing that contrary to his claims and the size of those Dutch in general… his dad was not in fact bigger than their dad – and would not be able to win a game of ‘thumbs’, let alone an arm-wrestle should it come to blows.

Of course, this leaves a problem – what to do with the cool $500,000 which until yesterday little Jimmy thought was a fine subsidy to his 12 euro a week pocket-money allowance.

The official line from Pokerstars is currently silence. Just as well then that the voices in our head have a direct telepathic link then. We can exclusively reveal, right here and right now, the made up story that:

Pokerstars have declared the entire Sunday $5 Million void and will be re-running it next week!!

Great news for the 19,000 of us who got our money in good, only to get rivered once again. Fantastic tidings for those 998 who would be pros by now, if they could just hold for that crucial flip one-time, and a reprieve for the 23 players who registered for the game early and then blinded out due to the untimely death of a close relative or treasured pet.

What is more, we are really looking forward to the shirty mails from the 17 of you who scan this, somehow believe it and then log back on to Pokerstars and find out that we are talking Sh1te…well, we have to do something to amuse ourselves, right?

More News: We are really happy to see that one of the ‘Major’ poker news regurgitating sites have a story on people getting bored with the Durrrr challenge this week… not only do we feel vindicated in the Melted Felt line of thought – we are proud (yes, dear readers – proud) to have noticed how sh1t the Durrrr Challenge was almost 2 years before anyone else – see the 2009 archive for more! How about a new slogan' Melted Felt, making up the poker news years before anyone else does.' Erm, maybe not.


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Come on now, you know it makes sense. If you are truly awful you might lose a little slower, and if you are only somewhere between bad and awful you might even run a profit for a while.

Melted Felt heartily recommend Absolute Poker for sh1t poker players. They have soft games, lots of bonuses + promos (includes 150% matched to your first deposit with bonus code PBN500) and, best of all, you can start fresh with a new screen name so your buddies can't see how sh1t you really are on the databases!

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Monday, 7 March 2011

Poker News Roundup - Quick Fire Monday

Monday! The day where Melted Felt readers everywhere slowly crawl from their beds and get resentfully ready for work, mulling how different it all could have been if only they could have held in that that flip in the Million… just one time.

Time for a quick-fire round up of some of the poker news, to keep you all up to date without taxing those notoriously short attention-spans.

- First up, rumor has it that Tom ‘Durrrr’ Dwan has won a record-breaking $11.5 million pot while playing against rich businessmen in Macau. What he intends to do with the 16th century Ming pot… well, your guess is as good anyones?

- Next Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey, pulled off the ugliest slowroll that the world of poker has ever seen last week. Waiting and waiting and waiting… then revealing he held the only hand which can beat a rivered nut flush – a pair of conditional vetoes. The poker world were disgusted, the gambling business world baffled – and the remaining 99.89% of the population neither knew nor gave a fvck.

- The Ultimate Bet cheating scandal tried to rear its ugly head again last week too. Threads were started, eyes were rolled and teeth were gnashed… then everyone remembered that this was years ago, and that the tables are quite soft anyway – and went right back to playing their games.

- Finally Carlos Mortensen came close to becoming the worlds most fvucking annoying poker player. After winning the WSOP, EPT and amassing a huge pile of cash it looked like the poker pro was going to rub our collective noses right in the proverbial poop by adding a WPT title to his already over-stuffed CV. When he busted in 3rd a collective sigh of relief was heard worldwide – and Daniel Negreanu kept his crown as the worlds most irritating poker celeb.


Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Brunson Tumor, “I’m Good, Just Moved Up Too Quickly”

We are genuinely happy to report that Doyle Brunson, the godfather of poker himself, is still alive and well after another brush with cancer – dear Melted Felt readers. Not only has the wearer of big hats beaten cancer twice, he is still well enough to crush poker games throughout the world and win prop bets for not being dead.

One of the things we note in the poker press is that stories are often very one-sided. Sure they are sincere, gushing even, then again it is easy to sound sincere right up until the time you slip your ‘exclusive’ bonus code in, eh?

We thought it was important to get a different view, and so sent out the Melted Felt Mole to track down and interview the very cancerous tumor recently extracted from Doyle’s arm.

Sure enough, we tracked the tumor down to the Venetian, where it was sitting with drunk tourists in one of the juiciest 1 / 2 games you ever saw.

“I was quite upset to be removed at first,” began the 6 inch long greeny-brown cancerous blob, “but after some reflection maybe I had moved up too fast. After all, infecting drunk tourists is easy, you know, start as a small lump in the lungs then – bam – before you know it I’ve spread to the lymph glands, liver and pancreas.” Continuing, “You know, my childhood was rough, growing up in a boring middle class family who wanted me to go to college instead of following my poker dream. Though all my young-tumorhood all I was able to do was infect the kidneys of a few old cats, and even they got put to sleep too darn fast to really make it much fun”.

It turned out that after running away from home, the tumor had hit a hot streak in Vegas – with two big final tables and three visits to the hospice for terminally ill patients within just 2 years. He then saw his chance of hitting the big time and went for it.

“You know, it could have been 1 / 2 for ever, grinding out $20 per hour for long hours each day, occasionally infecting someone’s brain and watching with glee as mild headaches turned to dizzy spells, migranes, then blindness followed by a quick yet very painful death” said the tumor, “ I wanted more, I wanted fame, I wanted to infect the best, the biggest and the most famous players of all, I wanted to move up levels to where people respected my cell divisions.”

Scooping get another pot from a drink Brit overplaying ace-rag the tumor at least sounded upbeat about the future. “Doyle was obviously too good for me, but with a little training and a good run I think I could manage to knock off an online pro or two this year, I’m good you know, good enough to be the best, I just need my luck to hold up one time, just one time”


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