Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Brunson Tumor, “I’m Good, Just Moved Up Too Quickly”

We are genuinely happy to report that Doyle Brunson, the godfather of poker himself, is still alive and well after another brush with cancer – dear Melted Felt readers. Not only has the wearer of big hats beaten cancer twice, he is still well enough to crush poker games throughout the world and win prop bets for not being dead.

One of the things we note in the poker press is that stories are often very one-sided. Sure they are sincere, gushing even, then again it is easy to sound sincere right up until the time you slip your ‘exclusive’ bonus code in, eh?

We thought it was important to get a different view, and so sent out the Melted Felt Mole to track down and interview the very cancerous tumor recently extracted from Doyle’s arm.

Sure enough, we tracked the tumor down to the Venetian, where it was sitting with drunk tourists in one of the juiciest 1 / 2 games you ever saw.

“I was quite upset to be removed at first,” began the 6 inch long greeny-brown cancerous blob, “but after some reflection maybe I had moved up too fast. After all, infecting drunk tourists is easy, you know, start as a small lump in the lungs then – bam – before you know it I’ve spread to the lymph glands, liver and pancreas.” Continuing, “You know, my childhood was rough, growing up in a boring middle class family who wanted me to go to college instead of following my poker dream. Though all my young-tumorhood all I was able to do was infect the kidneys of a few old cats, and even they got put to sleep too darn fast to really make it much fun”.

It turned out that after running away from home, the tumor had hit a hot streak in Vegas – with two big final tables and three visits to the hospice for terminally ill patients within just 2 years. He then saw his chance of hitting the big time and went for it.

“You know, it could have been 1 / 2 for ever, grinding out $20 per hour for long hours each day, occasionally infecting someone’s brain and watching with glee as mild headaches turned to dizzy spells, migranes, then blindness followed by a quick yet very painful death” said the tumor, “ I wanted more, I wanted fame, I wanted to infect the best, the biggest and the most famous players of all, I wanted to move up levels to where people respected my cell divisions.”

Scooping get another pot from a drink Brit overplaying ace-rag the tumor at least sounded upbeat about the future. “Doyle was obviously too good for me, but with a little training and a good run I think I could manage to knock off an online pro or two this year, I’m good you know, good enough to be the best, I just need my luck to hold up one time, just one time”


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