Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Melted Felt Announces The Oryx Cup

High stakes poker tournaments with buy-ins of $100k+ are all very nice, dear Melted Felt readers – the thing is you can not afford to enter them. Well, to be honest neither can I, after all a humble Sunday major gets me a long lecture on just how many pairs of shoes that $215 could have bought from the *ahem* better half.

So, when I read that Full Tilt just announced the Onyx cup competition, with 5 prelim rounds with $100k to $300k buy-ins and a $250k final, I though it was time to stick up for the smaller stakes fans. Yes dear readers, I have taken the unprecedented step of setting up my very own poker tournament cup series based on a sub-saharan member of the antelope family – and believe this is a global first for poker satire bloggers who used to be funny.

(Drumroll Please) It is going to be ultra-low buy-ins so that sh1t poker players like you can join in too.

(Drumroll Again Please) It is going to called the Oryx Cup, because Onyx and Oryx sound similar and, well, you have to amuse yourself somehow.

(Yet Another Drumroll Please) Its going to follow in Full Tilt’s footsteps and be a series of live tournaments around the globe – followed by a grand finale in Vegas.

In fact the only difference I can see is the complete lack of luxury prizes* and slightly damp smell in some of the venues, oh and you can not qualify online – well, be a bit pointless really.
*Note: We will be awarding the winners those wooden carvings of Elephants and Giraffes which seem really cool at the time and then end up in a box under your stairs, along with giant pencils, straw donkeys and that undrinkable bottle of raki.

So, without further ado – here is the Global 2011 Oryx Cup Schedule:

Oryx Cup Event #1: $2.75c No Limit Holdem – 2nd May 2011, The store room behind the Fish, Fur and Feathers Pet Shop, Dagenham High Street, London. Please wink at the lady behind the cash desk and tell her you are here to see a man about a dog to gain entry.

Oryx Cup Event #2: $3 No Limit Holdem With Rebuys, either 6th or 7th of May 2011, Roman Peterov’s house, near St Petersburg, Russia. * The date actually depends on when his parents actually leave for their annual vacation at lake Baikal, bring your own vodka.

Oryx Cup Event #3: $1 Turbo No Limit Holdem, Happy Joy Restaurant, Xing China – 11th May 2011. Now, Mr Xui does not actually know we have chosen his somewhat shabby restaurant yet. We believe that as long as everyone orders a meal, all should be ok. I stronlgy recommend avoiding dishes marked ‘meat’.

Oryx Cup Event #4: $5 Pot-Limit Omaha, Bondai Beach, Australia – 19th May 2011. The organizers have requested that we inform you that any mention of the Ashes is strictly forbidden throughout this event.

Oryx Cup Event #5: Grand Final, $10 No-Limit Holdem, Sea-World, Las Vegas, 27th May 2011. The grand final will be held by the main show pool, with the blinds going up every time a Seal catches a fish, and the play going in the opposite direction around the table for 10 minutes whenever a whale jumps though a hoop.

We look forward to welcoming as many players as possible to our cup, and remember, making the first year a success could see things expand in future years. Who knows, we could be having our very own November 9 competing for the top prize of a branded Full Tilt Poker chip set any year now!


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