Friday, 29 April 2011

Recruitment Drive At The Poker Players Alliance?

It often takes a crisis to galvanize support, garner the troops and make real change happen, dear Melted Felt readers. Though in the case of poker it can take a crisis to make people realize that the organization they have been happily funding to represent their rights for years has achieved nothing what so ever.

Not surprising then that the Poker Players Alliance are having an imaginary recruitment drive for a whole new level of (hopefully more effective) management within their ranks. If you are qualified for any of the roles below then send your resume Senator Jon Kyle today!

Role #1: Head Of Shutting Stable Doors

- Track record of shutting stable doors before the horse has bolted required for this role.
- Any additional golf caddy experience would be appreciated by the *very busy* directors.

Position #2: Head of Banging Heads Against Brick Walls

- Demonstrable experience in encouraging peers to bang their heads repeatedly against a brick wall.
- Cheerful and sunny disposition needed, combined with the ability to say “well, it feels ever-so nice when you stop” without any trace of sarcasm.

Position #3: Manager, Looking Busy Department

- Primary role is producing press releases outlining the work of other organizations, while making it seem as if the PPA might actually have been involved.
- Must be proficient in explaining how huge amounts of donated cash were spent, without raising any suspicions from the community

Position #4: Junior Finger Pointer

- Entry-level position in the busy finger-pointing department, where the successful candidate will be taught how to plausibly blame everyone else for the utter failure of the alliance.
- No formal qualifications required, however a track record of snitching and / or crying wolf an advantage.

Position #5: Yet Another Fundraiser

- With things getting tight, we have a position open for an additional fundraiser able to bleat like a lost fvucking lamb about how piles and piles more money is required to keep us running.
- Ability to keep tight lipped about golf fees, expensive lunches and *chough* travel expenditure considered mandatory for this role.


Tuesday, 26 April 2011

2011 Irish Open Results And Review, Sort Of

While much of the poker world was crying over the milk so suddenly spilled by the US DoJ, dear Melted Felt readers, there has been some fantastic live poker action in Dublin, Ireland – as the 2011 Irish Open final table played out.

After 3 days of asking whether it was their turn now and (later) what their aunty had to do with anything, the field was reduced to 9 for the glamour of the televised final table. Facing off for this years crown were Paddy, Mick, Paddy, Paddy, Mick, Shamus, Paddy and Mick.

Paddy was a considerable chip lead as the last 9 got underway, having, “'tiz a fine, fine pile to be sure’ with Mick, his nearest challenger holding only “a fair few chips less than dat” while the rest of the field had to make do with ‘nowhere near as many, nowhere near now’.

The 8 handed final 9 got off to a crazy start, with Paddy stacking Paddy on just the 3rd hand of the day, increasing his chip lead to somewhere in the region of ‘now then, would you take a long long look at all those”. Just 4 hands later the tournament director had to be called in when Mick claimed his 3 pair beat a straight, according to the ancient Gaelic rules. With Mick gone, Paddy closed the gap on Paddy and just a few pots later drew almost level as Shamus accidentally called the tournament clock on himself while all in and then failed to act in time.

A break was called to allow poker journalists to write lines such as ‘when the smoke cleared’ and ‘no help came… sending X to the rail”. By the time play restarted and another round of the black gold ordered the 3:15 at Punchestown was underway, Paddy nailing the winner at 8/1 and buying everyone yet another drink to celebrate.

Mick was the next to go, when he shoved his last ‘couple-of-chips, eh, not too many now’ with 10’s against Mick’s opening raise, Mick, who for some reason had only been dealt one card made the call with his king, flopping a pair and sending Mick to the rail to the cheers and whoops of Mary, Mary, Rosin, Rosin and Mary in the crowd.

Paddy then made a massive check raise semi bluff, busting both Paddy and Mick when his gutshot bottom straight hit the river. His, “that pretty pile” overtaking both Paddy and Paddy for the chip lead in one fell swoop, it was only a matter of minutes later when Paddy remembered he was supposed to be home for tea by now, handed all his his chips to Paddy and Paddy – and we were ready for heads-up play.

At this point, Paddy suggested that they make a deal – after some intense discussions about chip splits and ICM, and a prolonged pause for the final race at Punchestown, it was agreed that the winner would in fact buy the drinks. 23 furious hands of poker later Paddy was declared the Irish Open Champ 2011 – at which point a disgruntled Mick came back and pointed out that he just popped to the pub next door for a quick drink and had not actually been eliminated yet…


Saturday, 23 April 2011

Stars To Hire US ‘Spite Railers’ As Games Get Too Friendly

In what could be a boon for out of work US grinders, a recruitment drive has started for people experienced in spiteful online poker chat, dear Melted Felt readers. Over the past week numerous complaints have come in suggesting online poker has gotten a little friendly – and just does not seem real any more.

By directly employing people to berate inexperienced players, Stars hopes to recreate the slightly nasty feeling enjoyed by millions of poker players while US citizens were still in the games. We spoke to a couple of players about the state of the tables.

First Dieter from Germany, who is happy to be sh1t at poker, as like millions in his country he has big wads of money to throw around. “Ich called againzt ze odds, becauze Ich waz bored und also zehr rich” began Dieter, “und meine nonnuttenflushendrawen hitten” continuing, “now, normalish this would rezulten in ein long lecture about mein fisch playen, including insulten auf meinen family, friends, pets (livink und deden) und alzo questionen about mein sexualisch preferences.” Dieter paused, looking genuinely puzzled, “instead ze guy said, ‘Nice Hand’”??

It is not only in the cash games where people are becoming unexpectedly friendly. John from some drab London suburb in which the residents continually tell each other how cool living there is, had a very strange experience at the final table of a mid-stakes online tournament. “One player got his money in great, with a set against an overpair” started John, “when the board came diamond-diamond, putting 4 of them out there, the guy with the jacks busted the player with the set, then it all got a bit weird…” John took a nervous sip of water, looked anxiously around the room and finally continued, “the guy with the flopped set typed in ‘Good game, good luck to all’ and then, well, just left… I mean, weird or what!”

Pokerstars have apologized to players for these ‘isolated incidents’ of human decency creeping onto the virtual tables, and have promised to set up their recruitment drive for US spite-railers to ensure that the games return to their normal feeling as soon as possible…


Thursday, 21 April 2011

Global Border Security Stepped Up To Halt Grinder Migration

With 1000’s of full time poker grinders considering leaving the US, border security in countries around the world has been stepped up this week, dear Melted Felt readers. A strong warning has been issued to the public too: If you see a lost grinder wandering the streets DO NOT APPROACH THEM, these people are not used to direct human contact and may behave unpredictably during human-human interactions.

We spoke to the border police of several different countries to find out exactly what they were doing to prevent an influx of pale, geeky, unsocialised bedroom wraiths from dodging tax in their particular country:

Irish immigration officials were said to be hard hit, with millions of Americans incorrectly calling themselves 'Irish', somehow assuming that a great-great-great-grandmother coming from the emerald isle actually made you a citizen. ‘About as Irish as a fvcking Kangaroo, to be sure, to be sure’ one official was quoted as saying, adding, “mind you, if you could buy one of our 2 million unsold houses, we might reconsider”

Canadian barder guards yesterday began dressing up as polar bears and chasing the masses of screaming pasty-faced grinders straight back over the border. Apparently if this did not work the good old-fashioned ‘overly-friendly hairy-gay lumberjack routine’ usually did the trick pretty fast.

Mexican border officials were having a nap when we stopped by, they said they could get us into the US for just $500, then looked utterly confused when we said people might actually be coming the other way...

The UK was about to announce a comprehensive set of limits, selection criteria and rules for fair grinder resettlement. Then someone from the political left said that even talking about the possibility of thinking about talking immigration potentially upset some minorities, and so was institutionally racist… so the whole thing was forgotten about, again.

Lybian officials said than grinders affected by the imperialist zionist legal situation were absolutely welcomed in the free and fair sunshine state of Libya. Col Gaddaffi has apparently personally ordered state of the art grinder workstations to be built and western luxury items including coca-cola and bubble-gum to be shipped in. What is more the grind-stations will have fantastic views of the country from the top of military installations and communications infrastructure.

So, Carbon Poker it is then….


Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Monkeys Uncle To Lead New Look PPA?

I know, I know, while the mainstream press were calling online poker Armageddon, my loyal readers were far more worried about whether there would be another Melted Felt post any time soon. The good news is I’m back, the not so good news is that so are the Poker Players Alliance.

As we cringe our way through yet another ‘rallying cry’ from the utterly ineffective PPA I’m coming in with a counter proposal. We fire every single member of the organization which has managed to achieve so little at such huge expense since ’07 – and replace them, with a monkey’s uncle.

I’m thinking of a mid-sized ape here, maybe a darker brown one with that slightly amused expression and a passion for bananas. The little fellow would probably be the type to hang from a branch with one arm, while picking at his nose, pausing to look at what comes out, and then eating it.

With this monkey’s uncle as the new PPA chair, a few gibbons as staff and maybe something more advanced (a chimp?) to do the press releases – I am convinced that US poker players could have just as effective an organization looking after their rights at only a fraction of the cost.

As US poker players consider their options, we should take the time to reflect on what pitiful effect the Alliance had in return for the hundreds of thousands of dollars raised and donated by players who naively thought their needs were actually being looked after, including:

- Making short press releases about other organizations legislative efforts, usually after these passed beyond the PPA’s limited sphere of influence.
- Forum posters on popular message boards drip-feeding us bad news about decisions made behind closed doors, pretending (as it turned out) that the PPA actually had some kind of say.
- Calls for letter / e-mail writing and other activities which did not dent the fat wallets of poker players money channeled through PPA coffers.

Thanks for nothing PPA – lets get the Monkey’s uncle in place as soon as possible, after all, he can not do any worse!


PS: Don’t panic out of work grinders! I’m already working on the Melted Felt careers advisory board post for later in the week!!

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