Thursday, 21 April 2011

Global Border Security Stepped Up To Halt Grinder Migration

With 1000’s of full time poker grinders considering leaving the US, border security in countries around the world has been stepped up this week, dear Melted Felt readers. A strong warning has been issued to the public too: If you see a lost grinder wandering the streets DO NOT APPROACH THEM, these people are not used to direct human contact and may behave unpredictably during human-human interactions.

We spoke to the border police of several different countries to find out exactly what they were doing to prevent an influx of pale, geeky, unsocialised bedroom wraiths from dodging tax in their particular country:

Irish immigration officials were said to be hard hit, with millions of Americans incorrectly calling themselves 'Irish', somehow assuming that a great-great-great-grandmother coming from the emerald isle actually made you a citizen. ‘About as Irish as a fvcking Kangaroo, to be sure, to be sure’ one official was quoted as saying, adding, “mind you, if you could buy one of our 2 million unsold houses, we might reconsider”

Canadian barder guards yesterday began dressing up as polar bears and chasing the masses of screaming pasty-faced grinders straight back over the border. Apparently if this did not work the good old-fashioned ‘overly-friendly hairy-gay lumberjack routine’ usually did the trick pretty fast.

Mexican border officials were having a nap when we stopped by, they said they could get us into the US for just $500, then looked utterly confused when we said people might actually be coming the other way...

The UK was about to announce a comprehensive set of limits, selection criteria and rules for fair grinder resettlement. Then someone from the political left said that even talking about the possibility of thinking about talking immigration potentially upset some minorities, and so was institutionally racist… so the whole thing was forgotten about, again.

Lybian officials said than grinders affected by the imperialist zionist legal situation were absolutely welcomed in the free and fair sunshine state of Libya. Col Gaddaffi has apparently personally ordered state of the art grinder workstations to be built and western luxury items including coca-cola and bubble-gum to be shipped in. What is more the grind-stations will have fantastic views of the country from the top of military installations and communications infrastructure.

So, Carbon Poker it is then….


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