Friday, 20 May 2011

End Of The World Set To Affect The SCOOP Main Event?

Many of you, dear Melted Felt readers, will be worried that the apocalypse – scheduled for the 21st of May 2011 – comes at a bit of an inconvenient time for those of us planning on enjoying the SCOOP Main Event.

You see, it is there in black and white in an old crowd control fairy-tale which has been mistranslated for centuries – the world is coming to an end on Saturday and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, except pray to some angry sky deity called ‘god’ (the one who helps religious people justify their hate by ‘hating right along with them’) and reflect on the fact that you probably were going to do something great with your life “as soon as…”

According to Harold Camping (pokerstars screen-name = GoddyKGB123) it is all going to start with the biggest fvcking earthquake you ever saw in your life… now that will not be the end itself you understand – only the start of the end. Once society has broken down, all human life will die off over the next few months – though lack of frappachinos, daytime TV talk-shows and, erm, food.

So, what about those of us who qualified for the SCOOP main event (Medium) and were thinking of joining that last Mini-FTOPS tournament too? The end of the world sounds like it could be a little bit, well, inconvenient to say the least.

As a public service blog I took it on myself to contact Pokerstars to address this exact issue.

Apparently, they checked some passages in our very own bible - Sklansky’s ‘Theory Of Poker’ - and have discovered that there is actually a clause in Armageddon based on playing your apocalyptic hand the same way you would if you knew what your opponent’s prophesy was. Based on game theory, optimal bluffing frequency and the fact that your opponent is a fvcking nut job who bluffed Jesus’ return back in ’94 - we should almost certainly have a positive expectation from calling Camping’s all in. Phew.

In the event that the Theory of Poker has been misinterpreted, Pokerstars are planning on making Redemption available through their frequent player point online store – for just 25,000 FPPs you can save your soul (gold star and above only).

Well, I’ll leave my dear readers to go borrow as much money as possible from their hardcore Christian neighbors – after all, they don’t think they’ll be needing it, do they. I’ll look forward to seeing you in the Spring Championship main event… wait…what… what is that rumbling sound??

MF

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