Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Joe Sebok Gets Pink Slip

Even the million online poker players saying, “I told you so” in unison, as they look through their respective local paper’s “industrial and construction vacancy’ sections for a new source of income, can not be so heartless as not to feel a *slight* pang or two for the plight of once-respected poker pro Joe Sebok, dear Melted Felt readers.

Joe was still busy re-checking whether the word ‘naïve’ had really been taken out of the dictionary when the fateful knock came, and UB delivered him a rather fetching pink slip – his position as UB's ‘Head of not being gay' was terminated, he was no longer the self-deluded ‘Players Champion’, in fact he was now the single most hated man in poker.

Sebok tried to talk them round, offering to put underwear over his pants and become ‘Super-Sebok’, flying to Costa Rica to single handedly man the phones, handle the finance, look after security and run the poker games for the Cereus Network.

Reality dawned, slowly at first.

Those times when Joe had made *ahem* enquiries about the allegedly shady characters behind the scenes – and there were many – they had simply handed him a kitten. “Those little kitties were so cute,” Joe said tomorrow, “though maybe they did make me kind of forget that I came into the offices to ask about Scott Tom’s continued involvement in the business, or whether I just saw Russ Hamilton leaving by the back exit", continuing, “did you see that fellas little paws? Ohhh.”

“I apologize to all of you for not being able to accomplish all I wanted to” Sebok might well continue, “my role was more of a hand puppet than a string puppet, UB were controlling me by sticking their (very well lubricated) lower arm completely up my ass, rather than simply pulling strings from above. Only time will tell whether any of you get your money back, if it is any consolation I also have money in my account which I can not withdraw – I mean, fair enough, it is your money, but still – this is a very very cute little kitten”

Tears started to well in Joe's eyes as he possibly continued, “I’m really not sure what is next for me, none of the other children want to play with me any more – well, except at poker – though the game will be totally unfair from now, what with me not being able to see my opponents hole-cards any more…. Erm, sh1t, I mean, fvck, ahhh - want a kitten?”

We phoned Joes office to find out exactly how many kittens he had been handed over his tenure at UB, only they seemed more interested in whether we could check our dictionaries – just to make sure the word gullible was still in there.


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