Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Senator Jon Kyl Softens Stance On Online Gambling

It is almost as if the most anti-gambling Senator out there just took a drying cycle with up to three separate pieces of Bounce, dear Melted Felt readers, coming out as soft and fluffy as a 4-week old kitten.

Yes, in the U-turn to end all u-turns, Senator Kyl has officially left himself an ‘out’ when it comes to poker… acknowledging that it might have been a skill game after all, should the alleged personal donations from big casinos, erm, *ahem* be large enough to ‘convince’ him of it. While online casino gamblers are still to be thrown to the dogs, online bingo players given jobs as the soap retrievers in the shower rooms of maximum security jails and online bettors are simply to be tied between two pick up trucks and pulled ever-so-slowly to death – poker players might one day see Kyl put pen to paper and sign their pastime into fully legalized, erm, law.

This move is all the more surprising as Kyl was one of the principal movers behind the 2006 UIGEA, which outlawed something or other that nobody has ever been prosecuted for using fantastically vague wording.

Kyl was not quoted as saying, “After careful consideration of the facts, many very rich people believe that poker is a game of skill, and that with adequate protections including checks on underage gambling, problem gamblers and an extremely comfortable retirement for me financed entirely by the big casinos, I may give this a second look”

Specifying that SNG Players would not be included, since this “was not real poker in any way, shape or form and the participants should have their fvcking heads examined – for many years – preferably in a secure institution, while sedated”, Kyl went on to say. “I’m also a little reticent about Pot-Limit-Omaha, all those draws, redraws and so on and so forth, just seems so fvcking un-American to me”

We’ll leave Jon to choose his Caribbean villa, new car and agree terms on that 60-foot motor cruiser… after all, once those big casinos have their poker legislation – their check books might well close.


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