Thursday, 30 June 2011

10 People Who Could Have Done A Better Job Of Running Full Tilt Than Ray Bitar

In our most humble opinion, dear Melted Felt readers, it takes a considerable lack of talent to run a cash cow as big and juicy as Full Tilt Poker into the ground quite so quickly… As you know, Melted Felt is on the positive side of the ‘poker satire blogs which used to be funny’ niche – and so will not spend time even hinting that one Ray Bitar may well be the biggest monkey that the gaming business world has ever known…

No, instead we are taking the positive approach, coming up with 10 suggestions of people who we think could do a better job.

1) Phil Ivey, yes he demonstrated loud and clear that his own needs are more important than those of the millions of online players waiting for their cash-outs… however, this kind of selfish drive may not be a bad thing in the role. Simply tie Ivey’s pay packet closely to the profits of the company and *boom* everyone’s a winner.

2) Donald Rumsfeld, well, if you need someone to make a clear distinctions between known unknowns and unknown unknowns then Don would be your man. And in hindsight Ray seemed barely able to deal with the ‘obvious as fvck knowns’, let alone anything that required a little tinsy bit of foresight.

3) Ben Bernanke, erm, no, hang on a minute… the guy who denied the existence of the housing bubble and sees far more debt as a great way of resolving the fundamental issues of having too much debt is probably just going to say everything is fine…

4) Tone Loke, coz what we need right now is a little bit of that Funky Cold Medina, you know what I’m sayin’?

5) The Funky Gibbon, if you are old and British enough to remember the Goodies then you’ll already know how to ‘Do, Do, Do, The Funky Gibbon’. For readers elsewhere you can simply substitute a monkey’s uncle.

6) Salvador Dali, surrealism and the way that this once hugely successful poker site was managed have a lot in common, Dear readers, if you are going to go from the incompetent to the sublime and out the other end to the surreal, then why not do it properly – with the real deal surreal Mr Dali

7) Bernard Madhoff, Let Bernie free immediately, the online poker world needs him… This might seem like a somewhat risky proposition. However, Mr Mad was able to keep his investment schemes going for decades and would be a much better proposition that Mr ‘fall flat at the first hurdle’ Bitar.

8) One of the Meercat Family, I’m thinking one of the adult Meercats here, maybe one with a little collar transmitter thingy – which can be used to translate his squeaks into instructions for the FullTilt office, I’ll be willing to bet he’d do a great job – as long as there were no snakes around.

9) Russ Hamilton, yeah, everyone’s favorite alleged online poker fraudster… Now think of it this way… on one hand you might lose a couple of mill at the high stakes cash games, and have the odd superuser taking down a Sunday Major of two… On the other hand you get a shady group of unknowns seemingly able to keep a corrupt poker site going through thick or thin. Ah, hang on, spanner in the works, already killed one site…

10) Jimmy Clough, You might not have heard of Jimmy, or Jim as his friends call him, or FishSlayerKGB12345 as the 15 year old, subsidized by his Moms credit card, plays online as. Yet Jim knows, oh he knows how to run a company alright, to prove it he has posted no less than 239 times on 2+2 telling other people that they are retarded while offering little or no explanation as to why. We say let Jim, and the 3762 other teenage corporate governance experts in the same threads run the company, you retards.

Surely more to follow on this story…


Tuesday, 28 June 2011

If Other Passtimes Were Poker?

Today, dear Melted Felt readers, we delve deep into the world of that strange phenomenon known as... other passtimes. As strange as it may sound - for years now human beings have been doing things with their time other than playing poker. Here we look at these odd wastes of time called hobbies... and see what they would look like if poker players were the key participants.

We start with Golf, where our online poker player goes into the final hole leading by 2 strokes. His sole opponent gets a lucky deflection off of a small rock, and *ping* lands within a foot of the pin - sinking his putt to snatch the match at the last moment. Of course, our poker player follows him around for the next 30 minutes hurling insults him, quoting his previous scores and reminding him that he will be a loser over the long run...

Our second online poker player takes up Sport Fishing, consistantly coming in 4th to 6th in terms of number and weight of fishes caught. But do you know what? If he just had an average number of bites he could probably become a pro...

Next to the high-adrenaline world of stamp collecting. Where our online poker player has just lost out in dollar terms after a couple of small trades. No problem of course - it is just time to move wayyy up in value to where fellow collectors respect his trading.

Chess has always been considered the ultimate mental test with levels of thinking running into unimaginable heights. Our poker player posted a position on a popular forum after moving his Queens Bishop to G6, only to see his opponent spring a well constructed trap and force mate in 4 moves... of course our poker player utterly rejected advice that he should have moved his Rook instead, after all he was very comfortable playing a bishop post-flop at this level, in fact he went on to insult the records of everyone who tried to help him and explain why his was the superior play - just for good measure, you fucking retards.

Finally we pop in to the retro-gamers club of New York State University, where an online poker player decided to enter the yearly Doom tournament... he lost of course, after all he was, erm, we really need to say it? you sure? ok then, Doomswitched (sigh).


Thursday, 23 June 2011

Chaos In Vegas As 10,736,453 Try To Buy Eric Rodawig A Beer

Ah, yeah, erm, already did this one...

Just one quick note to any poker journalists reading, please please stop referring to Hellmuth as a bridesmaid... it is kind of psychologically disturbing.


Tuesday, 21 June 2011

World Series Seniors Event Lost Property Special

This years bracelet event for Seniors at the World Series of Poker drew a record crowd of grumpy old nits, dear Melted Felt readers. While they mumbled to each other that they would whip the wippersnappin asses of those interneter pretenders – just as soon as they got dealt a hand – it turned out quite a few items were, shall we say, misplaced.

These were not only limited to colostomy bags, false teeth, walking sticks, nasal hair trimmers, hearing-aids and extremely comfortable footwear… In fact larger lost items included a 23 year old blonde who was incoherently babbling something about being David Sklansky’s latest girlfriend...

With a $1k entry fee and chance of a historic bracelet up for grabs for the winner, 3,752 players entered this event - only around half of which smelled of that subtle mix of damp and p1ss. It was actually 5 hours before the first elimination, as every single entrant waited for aces, then overbet the pot – making everyone else fold.

First to go was 64 year old Chad Fischer of Pensylvania, who was believed to be suffering from early stages dementia when he actually called a raise with pocket Kings - and then got all-in on the flop against, well, Aces of course. Considered a wild and crazy player by his peers, a special break had to be called while the seniors all agreed with each other that crazy play like that would never be rewarded when everyone else was playing good and solid poker.

After a couple more unfortunates were busted in Aces vs Aces confrontations where one made a flush, the event reached the point where the big blind was enough to put a player all in. Leaving the stealing to those internet kiddos – a world record was broken, as the all-in players were given a record number of walks.

Once the small blind was also all-in, seniors started to shuffle, limp and generally move very slowly to the exit. Things carried on like this – with only a minor interruption as one player gave up on life altogether after hearing his 3,762nd bad beat (with aces of course) story of the tournament.

All of a sudden chaos!

When the ante was enough to put everyone all in the tournament directors had some work to do. A record 3000 players were eliminated in a single hand, and no less than 17 judgments had to be made about who was going to wake the player up to tell them they were out.

At last the final table was formed, and with 3 big blind stacks there would still be a lot of folding everything but aces action for the TV cameras to enjoy.

After 2 hours we got to the everyone all-in stage again, with 7 players eliminated and two sharing the pot with jack high straights. Just as it looked like the heads-up was going to fold its way though while the blinds caught up, a miracle happened – both players got aces!

Well, we could not pass up an opportunity to throw in a couple of clich├ęs, so when the dust settled, the rail cheered - then went crazy, the smoke cleared and it ain’t real poker, real poker is a game of reading a man, was, erm, said… James Hess, a relative whippersnapper at only 50, rivered that flush in Hearts to win $557,000 and his first World Series bracelet… though he never did find his pipe again.


Sunday, 19 June 2011

PokerTracker 4 To Make Online Poker Even More Dull

Software tools have long been available for online poker players, dear Melted Felt readers – and with the beta release of the newest version of PokerTracker, the incredible feat of making poker even more dull and mechanical than ever has been achieved.

Key to this software is a ‘heads-up display’ which gives a statistical summary of each opponent, behind the basic stats is a whole long list of interesting snippets showing you exactly how to react to their plays in certain situations. Imagine, you’ll never actually need to think about what is the best play in terms of a poker hand again. Instead, you look at stats, compare it to the flop and then make the best play.

This fantastic software will not only take all of the fun away from poker, turning players into reasonably rich data-entry clerks, it will ensure that new players lose their bankrolls so fvcking fast that they probably will not bother coming back. Leaving the users of poker tracker 4 to win their money from other users of Pokertracker 4 who are not using the advanced features in quite such an advanced way as they do.

Inside this new software is a leakfinder, which will show you hands and situations where you are failing to use the statistics correctly to choose the dullest yet most profitable plays. It will intelligently find unclear (otherwise known as ‘interesting’) poker situations and show you how to make them utterly, mind-numbingly dull again – increasing your expectation by a few hundredths of a percentage point.

Not only that, Poker Tracker will make pretty graphs which you can post on forums, so that other data-entry clerks, erm, I mean poker players, can see what an excellent job you do of clicking whichever buttons the software recommends. These same graphs will also prove – statistically – those times when you were good, but just unlucky, by giving you an ‘ev’ line to go with your profit / loss per 100 and your 'I’m so proud of only paying 70% rake over 16 tables' line.

Of course, this is really just the latest round in the ongoing ‘arms race’ between the best poker tools PokerTracker and Holdem Manager to see who can make poker the dullest. It seems that PT4 have leapt ahead this time, however we are sure that the sharp minds behind HEM will be coming up with fantastically creative ways in which to squeeze a few more percentage points of what fun remains in the online game.

We look forward to announcing the day when the very last drop of fun is squeezed out of the game.


Monday, 13 June 2011

Chaos In Vegas As 10,736,453 Try To Buy Juanda A Beer

A double World Series Of Poker sensation to report on, dear Melted Felt readers. Not only was the first bracelet won by someone that people might (only might though) have heard of outside of the incestuous corridors of online poker forums – but the winner, John Juanda, beat Phil Hellmuth in the process!!

Now we have all experienced bars 3 rows deep while thirsty for a beer, however the world record was *smashed* after Hellmuth, who had a 3-to-1 chip lead heads-up, was prevented from winning a record 12th gloating-token, erm, no, boasting-trinket, no, thats not it either... ah yes world series bracelet. With the Rio waiting staff nowhere to be found, the bar area was actually more than 135,000 deep – with an estimated waiting time of 2 years and 7 months for those towards the back.

With the fact that the event was 2-7 Draw Lowball, that the field was relatively small and that the winner only received a ‘tiny’ $337k was unimportant to the relieved crowds queuing to bring a tasty beverage to Juanda. ‘Hellmuth with 12 bracelets would have been so fuvking unbearable.’ Said Jim, a losing poker player taking a shot in Vegas due after somehow convincing himself that he was actually quite good, just unlucky, continuing, ‘could you have imagined the gloating, the interviews, the headlines… euuuch’.

The beer-buying millions were eventually dispersed when some bright casino employee had the idea of spreading rumors suggesting that if they did not leave, someone would go and get Barbara Streisland to come and sing at them…

Phil Ivey could not be reached for a comment, and just an empty packet of Immodium and some well chewed finger nails were found in his usual place in the high stakes cash games.

In Other World Series News

- It looks like the Brits early run has come to an abrupt halt. Rumors are split between the story that, well, it got quite late so the British team decided to have a nice cup of tea and go to bed early to read…. And the fact that their lucky ferret ran off with a stripper.

- Attendance figures are up on last year, which is good news, for some reason or another which nobody other than the accountants at the Rio are quite sure about.

- Tweeting from the tables is this years big thing, with 100’s of well known players tweeting their statuses while not reading anyone else’s – and 100,000’s of poker fan followers tweeting their own thoughts about the players statuses without reading anyone else’s… oh and that really fanatical bloke who re-tweets, hash tags and DMs just enough to make the original tweeting players feel like it must be worthwhile.

My eyes are firmly fixed on the 2nd rate poker news sites who re-write p1ss poor versions of the main poker news site’s news – I’ll bring you the next 3rd rate update just as soon as it has been rewritten.


Thursday, 9 June 2011

Suspicion Grows That Lucky Ferret Is Behind World Series Brit Success

With a couple of bracelets in the bag, dear Melted Felt readers, and a turned queen the only thing stopping a 3rd… it could be said that the Brits are punching above their weight at this year’s World Series Of Poker.

We can today bring you the shocking exclusive on their success as we confirm rumors which were literally flying around Vegas that the Brits have a secret weapon at their disposal. Yes, dear readers, a lucky Ferret has been smuggled into the Rio.

Ferrets, are so common in the north of England that they are said to outnumber people by 3-to-1 and outnumber the ever present Whippets by 4-to-1. Living in peoples trousers (pants), ferrets are loveable rouges who will nip your fvucking finger as soon as look at you, you southern wimp.

What is little known about Ferrets, is that as well as being lucky they are very similar to poker players. Mostly solitary creatures, who become active around dusk, and are able to recognize individuals from their anal gland secretions [You sure poker players can do that? – Ed]. They are also experts in 2-7 No-Limit single draw and are quite keen on high stakes Badugi.

We asked spokesman for the Rio to confirm whether there were any regulations concerning the use of lucky ferrets at the poker tables. While they confirmed that Pets were allowed, and that additional charges were usually incurred for them, they were unable to specify whether ferrets, pole-cats, weasels and other small mammals were able to get the discounted poker playing rates if they agreed to do their time at the tables.

Well, an Elk won a bracelet a couple of years ago – and I’d personally pay a lot of money to see any small woodland creature beat Phil Hellmuth heads up….


Thursday, 2 June 2011

The Melted Felt Full Tilt Poker Special

We are pleased to announce, dear Melted Felt readers, that we anticipate bringing you an announcement about an announcement which may or may not contain much information about the timing of the announcement pertaining to when we will publish our Melted Felt Full Tilt Poker Special.

Oh, what the fvck, can not be bothered doing it in true FTP ‘announcement’ style, I’ll just write the bloody thing now.

First up, they finally managed to tilt Phil Ivey! After all those years of remaining cool, calm and collected – whatever the game throws at him – someone finally managed to get Phil’s proverbial goat! Releasing a public facebook announcement stating that he was going to sure Tiltware, and sit out of the WSOP in support of the ‘playaz’ who have not gotten their money back yet, Ivey showed us that, yeah, he could get mad too!

Phil momentarily became the players champ, with love and respect gushing from forums and blogs all over the interweb. Until someone pointed out that, well, only one person can really gain from this… and it is not the players… eh Phil?

Plans to build a monument with statues of Ferguson and Lederer on the Las Vegas Strip to honor their Ivey tilting skills have been temporarily postponed – due to the fact that 2,000,000 ripped off online poker fans might just use them as a focus to – shall we say – disperse some of their anger. In the meantime Tiltware have released a counter statement suggesting that Phil should move up levels to where people respect his raises, or something.

It does not stop there, dear Melted Felt readers, Ivey was not the only disgruntled Full Tilt Pro around this week. Nick Rainey, a *ahem* lesser sort of a pro player and formerly part of the Full Tilt camp – has had such a HUGE tantrum that he managed to throw every single damn one of his toys out of the pram… Including:

- The Rattle of Antonius’ alledged 40 100% rakeback accounts for sale
- The Pacifier of Ghosting in the $1.5 million guaranteed
- The Broom Broom Car of allegations of corrupt upper management
- The Teddy Bear of the specter of imminent bankruptcy

You might think that was it, that the Full Tilt news would fade away until the disgruntled masses mumbled about the next announcement about an announcement… but no! Things spilled over from cyberspace onto the floor of the Rio… where the zen-like cool of John Juanda was put to the test by Englishman James Bord, in a foul mouthed tirade during the $25k heads-up tournament at the World Series Of Poker.

Security sorted things out in the end, and while Juanda did not react outwardly, we understand that Bhuddist John is consulting with the serene one to see if they *cough* arrange for Bord to get re-incarnated as something which is actually uglier than his present form. As you can imagine, even minor deities are having a bit of a problem with that particular challenge…

Last of all, the rumors are still circulating that Full Tilt are basically bankrupt, having some how managed to lose all the money which has basically been handed to them by high volume grinders who were so very fvcking proud of only paying 73% of the normal fees 12 hours a day over 16 tables… we look forward to an announcement clearing this matter up soon… or maybe an announcement telling us when an announcement will be made, ok, we will accept an announcement about when that announcement will be.


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