Thursday, 30 June 2011

10 People Who Could Have Done A Better Job Of Running Full Tilt Than Ray Bitar

In our most humble opinion, dear Melted Felt readers, it takes a considerable lack of talent to run a cash cow as big and juicy as Full Tilt Poker into the ground quite so quickly… As you know, Melted Felt is on the positive side of the ‘poker satire blogs which used to be funny’ niche – and so will not spend time even hinting that one Ray Bitar may well be the biggest monkey that the gaming business world has ever known…

No, instead we are taking the positive approach, coming up with 10 suggestions of people who we think could do a better job.

1) Phil Ivey, yes he demonstrated loud and clear that his own needs are more important than those of the millions of online players waiting for their cash-outs… however, this kind of selfish drive may not be a bad thing in the role. Simply tie Ivey’s pay packet closely to the profits of the company and *boom* everyone’s a winner.

2) Donald Rumsfeld, well, if you need someone to make a clear distinctions between known unknowns and unknown unknowns then Don would be your man. And in hindsight Ray seemed barely able to deal with the ‘obvious as fvck knowns’, let alone anything that required a little tinsy bit of foresight.

3) Ben Bernanke, erm, no, hang on a minute… the guy who denied the existence of the housing bubble and sees far more debt as a great way of resolving the fundamental issues of having too much debt is probably just going to say everything is fine…

4) Tone Loke, coz what we need right now is a little bit of that Funky Cold Medina, you know what I’m sayin’?

5) The Funky Gibbon, if you are old and British enough to remember the Goodies then you’ll already know how to ‘Do, Do, Do, The Funky Gibbon’. For readers elsewhere you can simply substitute a monkey’s uncle.

6) Salvador Dali, surrealism and the way that this once hugely successful poker site was managed have a lot in common, Dear readers, if you are going to go from the incompetent to the sublime and out the other end to the surreal, then why not do it properly – with the real deal surreal Mr Dali

7) Bernard Madhoff, Let Bernie free immediately, the online poker world needs him… This might seem like a somewhat risky proposition. However, Mr Mad was able to keep his investment schemes going for decades and would be a much better proposition that Mr ‘fall flat at the first hurdle’ Bitar.

8) One of the Meercat Family, I’m thinking one of the adult Meercats here, maybe one with a little collar transmitter thingy – which can be used to translate his squeaks into instructions for the FullTilt office, I’ll be willing to bet he’d do a great job – as long as there were no snakes around.

9) Russ Hamilton, yeah, everyone’s favorite alleged online poker fraudster… Now think of it this way… on one hand you might lose a couple of mill at the high stakes cash games, and have the odd superuser taking down a Sunday Major of two… On the other hand you get a shady group of unknowns seemingly able to keep a corrupt poker site going through thick or thin. Ah, hang on, spanner in the works, already killed one site…

10) Jimmy Clough, You might not have heard of Jimmy, or Jim as his friends call him, or FishSlayerKGB12345 as the 15 year old, subsidized by his Moms credit card, plays online as. Yet Jim knows, oh he knows how to run a company alright, to prove it he has posted no less than 239 times on 2+2 telling other people that they are retarded while offering little or no explanation as to why. We say let Jim, and the 3762 other teenage corporate governance experts in the same threads run the company, you retards.

Surely more to follow on this story…


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