Monday, 13 June 2011

Chaos In Vegas As 10,736,453 Try To Buy Juanda A Beer

A double World Series Of Poker sensation to report on, dear Melted Felt readers. Not only was the first bracelet won by someone that people might (only might though) have heard of outside of the incestuous corridors of online poker forums – but the winner, John Juanda, beat Phil Hellmuth in the process!!

Now we have all experienced bars 3 rows deep while thirsty for a beer, however the world record was *smashed* after Hellmuth, who had a 3-to-1 chip lead heads-up, was prevented from winning a record 12th gloating-token, erm, no, boasting-trinket, no, thats not it either... ah yes world series bracelet. With the Rio waiting staff nowhere to be found, the bar area was actually more than 135,000 deep – with an estimated waiting time of 2 years and 7 months for those towards the back.

With the fact that the event was 2-7 Draw Lowball, that the field was relatively small and that the winner only received a ‘tiny’ $337k was unimportant to the relieved crowds queuing to bring a tasty beverage to Juanda. ‘Hellmuth with 12 bracelets would have been so fuvking unbearable.’ Said Jim, a losing poker player taking a shot in Vegas due after somehow convincing himself that he was actually quite good, just unlucky, continuing, ‘could you have imagined the gloating, the interviews, the headlines… euuuch’.

The beer-buying millions were eventually dispersed when some bright casino employee had the idea of spreading rumors suggesting that if they did not leave, someone would go and get Barbara Streisland to come and sing at them…

Phil Ivey could not be reached for a comment, and just an empty packet of Immodium and some well chewed finger nails were found in his usual place in the high stakes cash games.

In Other World Series News

- It looks like the Brits early run has come to an abrupt halt. Rumors are split between the story that, well, it got quite late so the British team decided to have a nice cup of tea and go to bed early to read…. And the fact that their lucky ferret ran off with a stripper.

- Attendance figures are up on last year, which is good news, for some reason or another which nobody other than the accountants at the Rio are quite sure about.

- Tweeting from the tables is this years big thing, with 100’s of well known players tweeting their statuses while not reading anyone else’s – and 100,000’s of poker fan followers tweeting their own thoughts about the players statuses without reading anyone else’s… oh and that really fanatical bloke who re-tweets, hash tags and DMs just enough to make the original tweeting players feel like it must be worthwhile.

My eyes are firmly fixed on the 2nd rate poker news sites who re-write p1ss poor versions of the main poker news site’s news – I’ll bring you the next 3rd rate update just as soon as it has been rewritten.


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