Thursday, 2 June 2011

The Melted Felt Full Tilt Poker Special

We are pleased to announce, dear Melted Felt readers, that we anticipate bringing you an announcement about an announcement which may or may not contain much information about the timing of the announcement pertaining to when we will publish our Melted Felt Full Tilt Poker Special.

Oh, what the fvck, can not be bothered doing it in true FTP ‘announcement’ style, I’ll just write the bloody thing now.

First up, they finally managed to tilt Phil Ivey! After all those years of remaining cool, calm and collected – whatever the game throws at him – someone finally managed to get Phil’s proverbial goat! Releasing a public facebook announcement stating that he was going to sure Tiltware, and sit out of the WSOP in support of the ‘playaz’ who have not gotten their money back yet, Ivey showed us that, yeah, he could get mad too!

Phil momentarily became the players champ, with love and respect gushing from forums and blogs all over the interweb. Until someone pointed out that, well, only one person can really gain from this… and it is not the players… eh Phil?

Plans to build a monument with statues of Ferguson and Lederer on the Las Vegas Strip to honor their Ivey tilting skills have been temporarily postponed – due to the fact that 2,000,000 ripped off online poker fans might just use them as a focus to – shall we say – disperse some of their anger. In the meantime Tiltware have released a counter statement suggesting that Phil should move up levels to where people respect his raises, or something.

It does not stop there, dear Melted Felt readers, Ivey was not the only disgruntled Full Tilt Pro around this week. Nick Rainey, a *ahem* lesser sort of a pro player and formerly part of the Full Tilt camp – has had such a HUGE tantrum that he managed to throw every single damn one of his toys out of the pram… Including:

- The Rattle of Antonius’ alledged 40 100% rakeback accounts for sale
- The Pacifier of Ghosting in the $1.5 million guaranteed
- The Broom Broom Car of allegations of corrupt upper management
- The Teddy Bear of the specter of imminent bankruptcy

You might think that was it, that the Full Tilt news would fade away until the disgruntled masses mumbled about the next announcement about an announcement… but no! Things spilled over from cyberspace onto the floor of the Rio… where the zen-like cool of John Juanda was put to the test by Englishman James Bord, in a foul mouthed tirade during the $25k heads-up tournament at the World Series Of Poker.

Security sorted things out in the end, and while Juanda did not react outwardly, we understand that Bhuddist John is consulting with the serene one to see if they *cough* arrange for Bord to get re-incarnated as something which is actually uglier than his present form. As you can imagine, even minor deities are having a bit of a problem with that particular challenge…

Last of all, the rumors are still circulating that Full Tilt are basically bankrupt, having some how managed to lose all the money which has basically been handed to them by high volume grinders who were so very fvcking proud of only paying 73% of the normal fees 12 hours a day over 16 tables… we look forward to an announcement clearing this matter up soon… or maybe an announcement telling us when an announcement will be made, ok, we will accept an announcement about when that announcement will be.

MF

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