Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Full Tilt’s 9 Mysterious Questions At The Alderney License Hearing

While the outcome was do depressing that several damp squibs have threatened to sue, there is still some intrigue left after the recent Full Tilt license hearings. At one point, after it was agreed to hold the meeting privately, in ‘Led’s Jacuzzi in the hotel’s honeymoon suite – Full Tilt were given 15 minutes to respond to 9 questions…

It took us a while, dear Melted Felt readers, to get hold of the actual list – in the end we had to bribe both a fly on the wall and Strauss-Kahn’s favorite chambermaid… however, we got there in the end. Yes, today, instead of news of how upset all 3 of Bodog’s remaining US poker players are over their imminent pullout, we uncover the greatest poker mystery of them all… the elusive 9 tests of Full Tilt Poker…

#1 – Should I - as the chair of the Alderney licensing committee, move up levels to where people respect my raises?

#2 – Why were so many players able to have screen-names based on your cartoon icons, game types and little-known FT pros which they could only have known about after playing on the site? How the hell did you never suspect them of multi-accounting?

#3 – How exactly did you take 73% of the usual rake from high volume grinders for all those years at the same time as making them feel proud that they actually had a good deal?

#4 – If Pokerstars had made a mixed game with more than 10 games, did you plan to respond with 12 game? 15?

#5 – Was the Panda avatar luckier than the Small White Dog or vice versa?

#6 – Could you please confirm in a final and binding manner – that cash game players were in fact superior to tournament donks and SNG bingo monkeys in all of the following ways (and several more): Intellectually, Morally, Sexually, Spiritually and Stylistically.

#7 – Why is it that only losing players shrug their shoulders and say, “Its Only A Game” ?

#8 – Did anyone ever manage to accumulate enough Full Tilt points to buy items more expensive than that FTP logoed stainless steel travel mug from your store? Ever?

The final question was apparently the clincher – with calls flying off to HQ after some confusion was felt as to the correct answer:

#9 – If you received a massive investment and were given an operating license back again, would you:
a) Graciously return money to the players while keeping them fully informed of progress all along, or;
b) Keep it, while keeping your supposedly valued customers completely in the dark, you arrogant fvcks?

With the meeting adjourned until September, we will have to wait for the answers a little longer. Damn that avatar question is bugging me…


Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Full Tilt Alderney License Hearing Latest

With no noteworthy news coming from the hearing in London on the Alderney / Full Tilt licence discussions, we decided it was time to wildly speculate. While this is nothing new in the world of *ahem* poker journalism, Melted Felt would like to point out that we are unique – being the only site who openly admits we don’t have a clue, erm, every post.

Today’s hearing kicked off with a pre-pre request to have a pre-private discussion about having the meeting in pre-private from Full Tilt’s lawyers. Some soft old arguments about investor sensitivity was brought up at the time. We, dear Melted Felt readers, have a different explanation.

Full Tilt had great software, innovative games and some excellent promotions. Their weak spot was, well, dealing with actual players. You know, those pesky human beings who want to do things like cash out and other sinister stuff like that.

We thus put 2 and 2 together and speculate that the reason for having so much discussion in private is that the new license agreement will be playerless…

This would play to all of Full Tilt’s strengths, allowing them to create some cutting edge online poker – without the downsides like customer service and the manual labor involved having to mail out those really crass Full Tilt themed mouse-pads.

Becoming the world’s first playerless poker site would have many other advantages too. For example FTP could make all accounts 100% rakeback. They would also be immune from future legal actions and legislative changes, and their advertising budget would be miniscule too. A win-win situation, with no winners or losers.

$250k For What, Exactly?

In addition to the request for the remainder of the hearing to be held in Howard Lederer’s Jacuzzi in the hotel ‘honeymoon suite’, we understand that the small matter of an unpaid $250k bill was brought up by Alderney’s reps. This related to the combined equity (using chip count methods, not ICM) of the reps in multi-table tournaments at the time the servers were switched off – plus interest, penalties and the bill for a couple of home improvements for council members.

Full Tilt’s lawyers then apparently asked what part of, “You must be fvcking joking” would Alderney like explaining? Cleverly using what is known as ‘legalize’ wording enquiring about tying this fee to getting their license back.

With only one little known pro storming out, and more adjournments than we can shake a stick at – it seems the only thing to do now is wait for the postponement of the hearing to be officially announced at 3PM UK time.

Stay tuned for another installment.


Friday, 22 July 2011

WSOP November 9 Lineup

Its that time of the year, dear Melted Felt readers, where we look at the final table line up for the World Series Main Event and say “who?”. Even as I type, histories are being researched, online stats perused and pocket 5’s are claiming 12 different November 9ers are their own… even though they never actually made a post there.

Without further waffle, here are the 2011 November 9…

1 – Martin Staszko, 40 Million Chips

With the chip lead at the final table, Martin Staszko is sure to put the Czech Republic on the map. For US readers, you will find the Czech republic in Europe, which is that big bit of land you get to if you trace your finger from the USA over the light blue bit of the map from left to right (if you get to a big country named Africa move up).

2 – Eoghan O’Dea, 34 Million Chips

Son of former champ Donnacha O’Dea, Eoghan (pronounced Eoghan) will be flying the flag for Ireland and looking to make a little more father-son type history than the Brusons or Greensteins have managed. Due to the fact that all the money in Ireland is now borrowed, Eoghan’s winnings are to be sent directly to Angela Merkel.

3 – Matt Giannetti, 24 Million Chips

The first American on the list comes in the form of Matt Guanetti, a resident of Las Vegas, NV. With a few live and online cashes, ordinary appearance and young age, journalists across the industry are really hoping that this bland individual has an axe-murderer in the family.

4 – Phil Collins, 21 Million Chips

No no, not Phil Collins the poker player… this is Phil the drummer from Genesis and solo artist with a big string of 80’s hits including some really truly fvcking awful numbers. Rumor has it that Phil, who is now knocking on a bit, will wear a specially designed latex mask – which will disguise him as online poker player Phil “USCphildo” Collins. DNA testing may be required.

5 – Ben Lamb, 20 Million Chips

Life was quite serene before the 2011 World Series, when not many people outside the creepy fans of high stakes PLO games had ever heard of Ban Lamb. Not only have we now heard of him, in one fell swoop we can all feel slightly inadequate in comparison. Thanks Ben, I was quite enjoying my summer until you came along with all your damn money and skills.

6 – Badih Bounahhra, 20 Million Chips

From Belize in Central America, Badhi gets the Melted Felt vote by a looooong way. Who cares that his previous total career winnings are only 50k – we just love the idea of someone called Badhi winning the bracelet. For US readers, Central America is the bit on a map under Mexico – and not, erm, Kansas.

7 – Pius Heinz, 16 Million Chips

Hailing from Germany, Pius has made World Series history already, being the only player to reach the final table without folding once during the entire fvcking tournament. The German youngster may be in for a shock when he returns home, as the EU have just voted to give his prize money to Greece.

8 – Anton Makievskyi, 15 Million Chips

More international representation at the final table from this 21 year old Ukrainian – a country which have had an exceptional World Series. Anton has already really annoyed us by being far too young, with a minimum of $700k to his name, and the possibilities of far more in November, we are sure he will become far more irritating in the future. Once again, for US readers… you can find Ukraine by… oh forget it.

9 – Sam Holden, 13 Million Chips

Finally, and with a respectable 13 million only marginally the short stack, another foreigner – this time representing England. Sam is also annoyingly young at 22, has won a couple of online games before and is about to find out that he had 1000’s of adoring fans all along… who just must have forgotten how much they loved his play for the last 4 years, but hey, we can make up for it now, right, got a stake?

10 – Mark From Melted Felt, 1 Chip

In a surprise twist, this year’s November 9 will have a 10th member, in the shape of, well me. After playing so fvcking well in numerous 180 SNGs, yet failing to cash in any of them because some retard called with that pre-flop, the organizers decided to allow me to join. So far I have managed to blag the chip, and am working on the chair…


Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Quick Fire Wednesday – Poker News Roundup

So many small things going in the world of poker, dear Melted Felt readers, that we ran out of fingers and toes while counting them. After sifting the gold from the mud, identifying the tender cuts from the grissle and then quietly forgetting about half of it that was, well, a bit on the dull side – we are happy to bring you another addition of quick-fire Wednesday.

- First up, Senators Kyl and Reid, who both swore under oath that online poker was specifically banned by Moses in the old testament, have written to the DoJ asking for clarification on the legality of gambling. While other journals are scratching their heads and wondering why now… after all, the UIGEA was passed back in ’06. We can only read between the lines, dear readers, and wonder how much leverage ‘those photos’ give…

- Bodog are the first to gain a new-fangled license to operate in the UK. We understood that both of their British players would be celebrating, only one of them recently gave up poker and the other one was on his annual vacation and so could not be reached for comment.

- In Las Vegas the biggest poker event of the year, the World Series of Poker Main event has whittled its way down to the final 9 players, who will now return to fight it out for the title in November. This gives plenty of time for forum geeks and trolls everywhere to claim they have been big fans of these players for years and *fvck* if you did not know about their entire playing histories you must be some kind of retard, retard.

- Titan Poker have managed to come up with a promotion that both makes great headlines and benefits no players at all. By eliminating rake for their non-existent high stakes tables they have raised eyebrows. By reducing rakes in limit games which nobody plays anyway they have caused chins to be stroked, and by reducing rake in 6-max games under 10c blinds they have reminded their core players how much they were paying and sewn the seeds of them leaving to get rakeback on another network… hmmm.

Tune in soon for more nonsense covering the world of online poker!


Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Latest News On Full Tilt Poker

In the glaring absence of any real news on Full Tilt Poker, Dear Melted Felt readers, we have taken it upon ourselves to make some up. This will not give you that thin, dry straw to clutch at in the vain hope you will get your $33.17c back (plus rakeback, don’t forget the fvcking rakeback!). It probably won’t even make you laugh, but hey, nobody really cares about you now, do they.

So, without further waffle, the Full Tilt items you probably do not need to know:

- The recent tragic death of Betty Ford, has caused much consternation against those who enjoyed the therapeutic facilities offered by her infamous clinics. What was not so well publicized is that many Rush Poker addicts are now desperate. Reports are that crack heads, sociopathic CEOs of multinational corporations and Finnish speed metal fans with big knife collections have all been trying to check themselves in to anywhere that will have them - to get away from the horrific ex-Rush dudes who, even after substantial doses of Ketamine, insist on 6 different forms of therapy at once…

- One Ray Bitar was reportedly mightily p1ssed off to find stories suggesting he had exited Full Tilt last week. In fact his absence from the offices was a normal part of the due diligence any investor group would have wanted. They had merely sent Ray to a bathroom supplies centre to check if he was actually capable of running a bath. We do not know the outcome at the time of writing, though an insider did indicate this was the back-up test after Bitar comprehensively failed to organize a piss-up in a brewery.

- News on the class action lawsuit brought by former FTP players who felt embarrassed and aggrieved they played for so long without the 100% rakeback accounts while all there peers and buddies were, erm, no, not that, ah, we meant 'to claim back their money which was unfairly frozen' – that was it. Anyway, the scary part of this is that they have invoked the RICO statute, which threatens to send Rick Astley around in person if 3 times the awarded damages are not paid, or something.

- The deliciously outspoken Tony G has called for a poker revolution, in between asking for his (and our!) money back from the apparently ball-less Professor. This got us wondering what kind of revolution would be suitable for such a pedantic, geeky and nasty sport as poker? Well the industrial revolution would involve getting up out of chairs - so that one is out. French revolutions were all very nice, only none of us want to play at Cake, let alone eat it. So we can only assume that Tony is referring to a 60’s style love and peace revolution, in which he, Ivey, Lederer and Bitar put their differences aside in the name of love and peace, group hug, pass the Camberwell carrots and snort coke from the thighs of women with absolutely massive pubic hair… or maybe he meant something else??


PS: Thanks to Rich for a little inspiration for this post!

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Light At The End Of The Tunnel For Those Pretending To Give A Fvck About The WSOP

Shocking news from the combined worlds of poker and global finances today, Dear Melted Felt readers. As the end of pretending to give a flying fvck about the World Series Of Poker draws to an agonizing chip-count based close once again.

Relief will be felt moving towards the weekend on forums, blogs and in that bar where you once made the mistake of telling that slightly stinky loser that you liked poker. Relief from the tyranny of retweeting updates, looking up the history of unknown bracelet winners and – well – pretending that you actually care about the latest scandal World Series or gossip.

Of course, there are a couple of agonizing days still to come... Thousands will scan the news wires for the bust out hand of a 2003 PLO8 (short handed) winner that you will never hear of again. Millions will see their 'favorite' poker personality bust, raise their eyes skyward and mutter something along the lines of - "well, with that many players, you need to run good". You'll have opinions, dear readers, hold views and generate beliefs - all the while pretending to yourself that this is somehow relevant to your dull and routine life.

Mixed with this will be some major concerns, coming from accountants, economists and politicians – who have been relying on the massive industry of crappy poker sites re-writing each others World Series news to stop the global economy sinking into a double-dip recession.

Having worked out that for every well written piece, coming from an actual reporter, using unique information or actual opinions – there are more than 13745 *ahem* versions of the same news out there in internet-poker-rules-texas-holdem-dot-org land. With an estimated median cost of $25, and 0.14 players clicking (probably in error) on an advert each time, and 20511 different Series stories or updates, accountants have worked out that initial jobless claims could hit all time highs next month.

Fortunately nobody knows what the process is for counting unemployed ‘poker experts’ from Manila or Bangalore actually is.

Just a couple of day 2s and 3s, then that really painful bit where ‘known’ players you feel you should have an opinion on but have never heard of swap chip-counts, to go – we’ll be at the stage where you can reflect wisely on how things were much better before they introduced the November 9 before you know it.


Thursday, 7 July 2011

Chaos In Vegas As 10,736,453 Try To Buy Brian Rast A Beer

Well, what did you expect, a new joke every fvcking day or something... did this one twice already... and you know what, if one more person brings up that mental image of Phil Hellmuth as 'the bridesmaid' again I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

Just to be difficult, here is the link to the post which contains the link to the original post.

Now, I'm off to buy Brian Rast a drink...


Monday, 4 July 2011

Shock And Disgust As Women Invade Mens World Series Events

The battle of the sexes has been going on since time immemorial, dear Melted Felt readers. At this years World Series of Poker, the battle was in full blooded flow, the weapons of mass destruction being tweets, blogs and hearty agreement over a beer.

While it is within the letter of the law, the big issue was some bitches joining in the MENS events at the World Series this year. Contempt is not the word, dear readers, we can not emphasize enough how low these presumptuous jumped-up little hoes have stooped…

What made things worse this year was some fat chick luckboxing her way to the final table in an all tough guy mans only, hard as fvcking nails no limit Holdem event for proud owners of a penis. As we all know, after hours of hanging with the guys, even a sagging pair of tits can put you right off your check-raise bluffs.

Now, we all know thy chicks play backwards, checking when strong and betting when weak. We all know that 8 handed flops are the norm, and that ‘oh, is it my turn?’ along with 'surprised turtle style' raised eyebrows happens an average of 2.17 times per hand in the ladies events. What we do not know is who the hell let some woman actually register for a mans event and bring down the dignity of the entire game of poker.

In sport it is clear that the sexes need to be separated, men are simply physically larger and tougher – making it difficult for the fairer sex to compete. When it comes to washing the dishes the argument is the same in reverse, women are just so much better suited to this activity than men, whose skills in drinking an after dinner beer while watching the game can never be bettered.

But Poker?


Listen ladies, we love to have you around – you look great and we appreciate the effort you went to in getting rid of the cellulite and bingo wings and putting on just a little too much makeup. Its just, well, poker is a mental game… a thinking sport… and, you know, how do we say it – Einstein was not Emmastein… Steven Hawking was not Stephanie Hawking… you get me here? Let us face it, there are lots of fun games especially for the tottie, bingo is fun and I hear that Farmville is just such a cool way to kill half an hour while you wait for the muffins to bake.

If you would not mind, everyone would be better off if you did not embarrass yourselves again and just stuck to the ladies events in future – that way you are all together and we can come and take photos of the small minority of you who have not yet gone to the dogs.

For those indignant bitches about to write me a comment or a mail (unfairly!) accusing your humble host of being sexist… well, that’s fine – only, could you please vacuum the lounge first…


Friday, 1 July 2011

Full Tilt Poker Friday Round-up

What a week for online poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Full Tilt dominated the ‘news’, highlighting just how many bland generic ‘poker information and strategy’ sites there are out there regurgitating the same information without adding any value whatsoever in (oh-so) slightly different words… Anyway, I digress, this post is to recap on the week that FTP would love to forget. I realize that things are moving along even as I type… hopefully some good news to pull the legs from (or should that be ‘off of’) next week right here on your favorite 3rd rate poker satire blog – Melted Felt.

Interlude: Before I start, a BIG ‘Thanks” to all of the people on forums, blogs and social media out there who ‘told us so’… you are exactly the same people who, when dark, brooding and ominous clouds appear over our sunny barbeque party say, “hmmm, its gonna rain” – and then tell us all oh-so-fvcking-proudly that you ‘told us so’ when it does… have a pat on the fvcking head if you 'told us so' after Black Friday, a real special proud pat.

*Ahem* anyway – time for that roundup!

- Isle Of Man Chemists have been reported to their fair trade commissioner after allegedly forming a cartel to triple the price of incontinence pads and supplies overnight… This reportedly came as a response to extra-high demand caused by the management of Pokerstars repeatedly p1ssing themselves laughing.

- A special hotline has been set up to assist Rush Poker addicts currently reporting severe withdrawal symptoms. Trained therapists are apparently trying to trigger memories of the Rushers, to see if they could recall friends, family or partners they might have known before their Rush habit took over. To make things easier on the former players, each therapist speaks to a group of players for 5 seconds, before they are recombined into another group.

- Back to Pokerstars, who have been prompt and professional in sending out an e-mail to their affiliates and players. We noticed the nice words arriving in our inbox did not match the original version, which read: “Dear Player, Pfffff, haha ha, chpffff ggggghhhh, hahahaha-ha, Full Tilt – fvckkkkkkk haha,, churt churt, heheeeheheeeha – agg g-g-g-g-g hahahaah, pffff-g.”

- Phil Ivey has reportedly taken down the statement from his website which indicated he was going to sue FTPs ass… which MEANS SOMETHING, though nobody has actually decided quite what yet. Update: He will apparently play in the WSOP $50k HORSE… which definitely means something or other, for certain.

- The French gambling commission have fined FTP $10k, which PROVES IT, though nobody has actually decided what the ‘it’ is yet.

- Justin Timberlake just shot to the top of the ‘potential buyers list’ after he parted with cash to buy MySpace… no, scratch that, he is probably more suited to buying Cereus.

Good news coming in late in the day… with a deal now officially rumored!


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