Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Full Tilt’s 9 Mysterious Questions At The Alderney License Hearing

While the outcome was do depressing that several damp squibs have threatened to sue, there is still some intrigue left after the recent Full Tilt license hearings. At one point, after it was agreed to hold the meeting privately, in ‘Led’s Jacuzzi in the hotel’s honeymoon suite – Full Tilt were given 15 minutes to respond to 9 questions…

It took us a while, dear Melted Felt readers, to get hold of the actual list – in the end we had to bribe both a fly on the wall and Strauss-Kahn’s favorite chambermaid… however, we got there in the end. Yes, today, instead of news of how upset all 3 of Bodog’s remaining US poker players are over their imminent pullout, we uncover the greatest poker mystery of them all… the elusive 9 tests of Full Tilt Poker…

#1 – Should I - as the chair of the Alderney licensing committee, move up levels to where people respect my raises?

#2 – Why were so many players able to have screen-names based on your cartoon icons, game types and little-known FT pros which they could only have known about after playing on the site? How the hell did you never suspect them of multi-accounting?

#3 – How exactly did you take 73% of the usual rake from high volume grinders for all those years at the same time as making them feel proud that they actually had a good deal?

#4 – If Pokerstars had made a mixed game with more than 10 games, did you plan to respond with 12 game? 15?

#5 – Was the Panda avatar luckier than the Small White Dog or vice versa?

#6 – Could you please confirm in a final and binding manner – that cash game players were in fact superior to tournament donks and SNG bingo monkeys in all of the following ways (and several more): Intellectually, Morally, Sexually, Spiritually and Stylistically.

#7 – Why is it that only losing players shrug their shoulders and say, “Its Only A Game” ?

#8 – Did anyone ever manage to accumulate enough Full Tilt points to buy items more expensive than that FTP logoed stainless steel travel mug from your store? Ever?

The final question was apparently the clincher – with calls flying off to HQ after some confusion was felt as to the correct answer:

#9 – If you received a massive investment and were given an operating license back again, would you:
a) Graciously return money to the players while keeping them fully informed of progress all along, or;
b) Keep it, while keeping your supposedly valued customers completely in the dark, you arrogant fvcks?

With the meeting adjourned until September, we will have to wait for the answers a little longer. Damn that avatar question is bugging me…


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