Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Latest News On Full Tilt Poker

In the glaring absence of any real news on Full Tilt Poker, Dear Melted Felt readers, we have taken it upon ourselves to make some up. This will not give you that thin, dry straw to clutch at in the vain hope you will get your $33.17c back (plus rakeback, don’t forget the fvcking rakeback!). It probably won’t even make you laugh, but hey, nobody really cares about you now, do they.

So, without further waffle, the Full Tilt items you probably do not need to know:

- The recent tragic death of Betty Ford, has caused much consternation against those who enjoyed the therapeutic facilities offered by her infamous clinics. What was not so well publicized is that many Rush Poker addicts are now desperate. Reports are that crack heads, sociopathic CEOs of multinational corporations and Finnish speed metal fans with big knife collections have all been trying to check themselves in to anywhere that will have them - to get away from the horrific ex-Rush dudes who, even after substantial doses of Ketamine, insist on 6 different forms of therapy at once…

- One Ray Bitar was reportedly mightily p1ssed off to find stories suggesting he had exited Full Tilt last week. In fact his absence from the offices was a normal part of the due diligence any investor group would have wanted. They had merely sent Ray to a bathroom supplies centre to check if he was actually capable of running a bath. We do not know the outcome at the time of writing, though an insider did indicate this was the back-up test after Bitar comprehensively failed to organize a piss-up in a brewery.

- News on the class action lawsuit brought by former FTP players who felt embarrassed and aggrieved they played for so long without the 100% rakeback accounts while all there peers and buddies were, erm, no, not that, ah, we meant 'to claim back their money which was unfairly frozen' – that was it. Anyway, the scary part of this is that they have invoked the RICO statute, which threatens to send Rick Astley around in person if 3 times the awarded damages are not paid, or something.

- The deliciously outspoken Tony G has called for a poker revolution, in between asking for his (and our!) money back from the apparently ball-less Professor. This got us wondering what kind of revolution would be suitable for such a pedantic, geeky and nasty sport as poker? Well the industrial revolution would involve getting up out of chairs - so that one is out. French revolutions were all very nice, only none of us want to play at Cake, let alone eat it. So we can only assume that Tony is referring to a 60’s style love and peace revolution, in which he, Ivey, Lederer and Bitar put their differences aside in the name of love and peace, group hug, pass the Camberwell carrots and snort coke from the thighs of women with absolutely massive pubic hair… or maybe he meant something else??

MF

PS: Thanks to Rich for a little inspiration for this post!

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