Monday, 29 August 2011

Gaddafi Offers Rebels ‘Heads-Up For Rollz’

Funny how the international community name armed groups they do not agree with ‘terrorists’ and those they do agree with ‘rebels’, dear Melted Felt readers. This subtle distinction should not distract us from the main theme of today’s post though – that Gadaffi has offered to put all his camels in one basket, and go heads-up for rollz.

Already the international community who were not temporarily distracted by a big storm have started to comment. The UK foreign secretary shouted ‘Coffee, Sir?’, no, no, sorry we meant the head of the government office for overseas stuff – not Anoushka the Russian receptionist - said Gaddafi was ‘delusional’ adding that, ‘he obviously understands position, having held his for 42 years, however is he continues to underestimate the strength of his opponents hand the game would be over fast’.

CIA contacts are apparently worried that the wrinkled despot would change the rules half way – for example starting with PLO high-only and then announcing that the game was high-low after showing down the loser. Insider information revealed that Gaddafi was trained in the split pot game by Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe – and has already won a large number of Llamas from Hugo Chaves with his new found skills.

Rebels scoffed at the idea accusing Gaddafi of using specially marked cards and ‘extra’ ingredients in hookah pipes to keep the population of Libya pacified for more than 40 years of daily mandatory Sit N Goes. With cash games banned on the grounds that they were too hard post flop, no, sorry we meant ‘the tools of imperialist western governments’ there was a real thirst among the newly liberated population to get into some 6-max action.

Of course, the dictator believes that the rebels refusal to play heads-up for rollz is actually confirmation that he is still in charge of the country. Reasoning that if they will not play, he wins by default. After the rebels blind away, Gaddafi will have all of the chips on the table, the only problem comes when it is time to cash out – though apparently one rebel is offering a detailed photo album of Condeleeza Rice for the very generous price of just 2 camels.


Friday, 26 August 2011

Poker News Quick Fire Friday

Friday again, dear Melted Felt readers who are reading this on a Tuesday. Time for another round up of the poker news in small bite-sized snippets, you know – the stuff that was quite important, only we could not be bothered to make a whole post out of.

As is common in the summer, it has not been the busiest week of poker news ever. Full Tilt managed a couple of entries… though more for the deepening sense of gloom than anything else. Party changed their rake structure too...

- First up, the Full Tilt Statement, their first communication since the shut-down was not taken as good news. While they tired to sound vaguely update and a tiny bit sincere in their apologies – the press release failed on both counts. General consensus was that the exclusive talks were in trouble, and that the chances of a quick return were fading fast. One aspect of this story which the press did not seem to question, is why were Poker News chosen to get the exclusive. After all Tony G has not been the most silent of critics of the way FTP have handled things so far…

- Next up a story pre-press release over at eGaming Review (probably the only decent source of industry news – actually offering new stuff rather than just copying everyone else like most of the poker press). The EGR team questioned management structure changes at a new-look Full Tilt… we pondered this for a while, wondering whether some flat management structure, a pyramid – or some unusual multi-level hub and spoke system would suit full tilt best. In the end we had to conclude that the 'Sphincter Management Structure' would be most appropriate moving forward, you know the 'starfish' reporting matrix… several small pieces of crusty sh1t, half-digested sweetcorn and lumps of sticky tissue round the outside – reporting to one really big a$$hole in the middle…

- Rake Structures, After OnGame changed to Essence some while ago and nobody really noticed – the other poker pool in the Party-Bwin group will now see their contribution to the pot count for more. A new contributed rake method has been put in place in which you get rewarded for how much you contributed to the pot – and not just for being dealt into the hand. All very well you might think, only do you actually remember anyone at Party ever folding before the river anyway?

With the WCOOP starting in around a week, and cheating scandals uncovering more levels of wrong than we thought possible – we look forward to bringing you more Melted Felt shenanigans next week.


Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Pokerstars Security Employ New Software To Detect Players Considering Folds

With the shocking ban of long time SNG grinder Sippin_criss last week now thankfully resolved. We thought it timely send in our purely hypothetical investigative journalist, the 'Melted Felt Mole' to find out what was up with the power-hungry tyrants in the department labeled ‘S’.

We found that banning players at the world’s biggest poker site was always accompanied by evil ‘ah-HA-HA’ type laughter, during which the sky would suddenly dim and lightning strike in the far distance. While folding JJ to a tight reg’s 3-bet would get you struck down, a misclick fold with QQ would ensure that your banning was also accompanied by a cawing of a solitary bedraggled crow. More serious poker crimes, including failing to raise your button 3 times in a row - were currently being worked on by a team of scientists who were working out how to flash an accurate premonition of a players death via the Pokerstars software client.

It turns out that the delight at finding players who actually folded is about to be surpassed. Pokerstars are now developing completely imaginary software which can detect those times when you even consider folding.

Using a mixture of timing tells and mouse movements around the fold button – combined with that implant Pokerstars had put behind your eye while you were sleeping – any thoughts of folding 10-10+ / A-Js+ will now be met with an infraction. As the infractions build up, the level of scrutiny of your play will increase. If you subsequently think about folding a small set when an obvious flush draw comes in then it is very likely that a member of your close family will be kidnapped and brutally tortured into making a confession of your disgusting cheating habits, before being thrown from a light aircraft over the Irish sea.

Of course, we should note that the size of mistakes is skewed to one side in the current security setup. While folding JJ to a 3-bet might – depending on the opponent and buy-in level – cost you a couple of dollars… Over-Calling with Ace-Rag will probably cost you a hell of a lot more... wonder why nobody cares about that then?

Chinese Double or Nothing teams, the entire population of Ukraine in the Draw Poker games and the *ahem* assistance of backed players who make big final tables playing for certain well known poker training instructors may take months to investigate… if in fact they are investigated at all. It is nice to know that some power crazed intern with period pains has the authority to ban a high profile, high volume pro - ah-ha-HA

We asked Stars security team to comment on this seeming dichotomy via direct mind-to-mind communication, however it seems they were far to busy laughing at Full Tilt’s demise to even receive what we were saying…


PS: Thanks once again Rich for the inspiration!

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Epic Fails - Alternative Poker TV Ideas

With the usually mild mannered Daniel Negreanu coming out and predicting that the Epic Poker League would be a fail – we thought it was time to have a look at some alternatives.

You see, it is not all about c-list poker celebs battling it out in high stakes tournaments, dear Melted Felt readers. Even adding the odd crappy amateur did not really make the thrill of poker on TV stop us flicking channel to some documentary on the secret sex life of the preying mantis… before poker’s *ahem* wonderful image gets tarnished for good those TV execs had better run through the Melted Felt list of awesome poker TV ideas, or something.

Melted Felt's Poker TV Ideas

#1 One Player And His Dog: Here we would show the human side of poker pros, by mixing shots from the tables with dog-trials in which Tong G and Negreanu could put their pooches to the test by weaving around poles and rushing through tunnels – between hands of high stakes PLO (high only).

#2 Guinness And Onion Bhajee SNG Satellites: Each time a player wins a hand they must drink a pint of the black velvet and eat a medium-large onion bhaji, should make for fantastic cards by the time the bubble is reached...

#3: The Bad Beat Bandit: A hard nut cage-fighting karate expert psychopath (with toothache) is secretly filmed in a different casino each week. When someone starts droning on about their latest banal bad beat our hero reveals himself as the bad beat bandit, then takes the moaning douche outside and gives them the kicking so severe that they are begging for their very lives…

#4: Out of Your (Poker) League: This program would feature games involving some beautiful and intelligent poker playing ladies, dressed stylishly and showing both charisma and class at the tables. Features before each hand would show glittering scenes from their varied and exciting lives. To show and interesting contrast, play would be interspersed with interviews with online grinders in their darkened rooms talking about how rich and cool they will be, as soon as their luck evens out enough to get out of their current 'downswing'.

#5 Chino Wins! Here is a slightly more subtle one, some nicely rigged decks allow Chino Rheem to win a large tournament, then we follow him as he is followed by various groups of people he owes large sums of money to. This one could even feature some side bet action before the game finishes on which team manage to get paid first… if any.

I’m sure there are some more to follow, well, if I don’t get distracted by the next story and forget – as usual.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Lock Poker To Introduce Poker Pro “Whack-A-Mole” Games

Let us face facts, dear Melted Felt readers, most poker news involves someone relieving players of their hard won money. Lately rooms and governments seem to be the ones kicking us where it hurts the most - in the wallet. In some ways it was quite refreshing to see the players cheating each other for a change last week.

Allegations centered around ex and current pros at Lock Poker, a small site that only members of a particular clique of online cash game players who think it is cooler to lose money to big 'names' rather than actually win play on. No, that’s not right, a smaller site that anyone can play on if they do not mind being looked down on by a clique of online poker geeks. No, no, erm, oh well… a smaller site, lots of pros cooler to lose money there than seek out the fish… you get the idea.

Anyway, I have gone off track.

What happened was a scandal broke and a Portuguese poker pro Jose Macedo admitted to praying on particularly stupid people who were dumb enough to have him rail them from afar while logged on to the client as their opponent.

More recently the plot thickened, with allegations flying around that other lock pros used his account and both Dan Cates and Haseeb Qureshi being asked some searching questions.... With new information unravelling all the time, it would not be surprising to see more Lock names come under suspicion this week.

To try and put some fun back into the games, and try a better way to distract attention from a potentially rotten stable than pointing at shouting "Look, Kittens!" We can exclusively reveal that Lock Poker will shortly introduce a brand new game under the lobby tab of ‘Pro Whack-A-Mole’.

Players can buy-in for $5+50c and get to follow the growing stable of poker pros around the games. When they see some cheating, ranging from chip-dumping through to dubious river calls which could only have been made by someone who knew their opponents hand – “Whack” with the click of a mouse. If they are right and catch a cheating pro then you win a the Pro Whacker Jackpot… which keeps on growing between cheating episodes (though not by that much judging by the recent Lock news!). If the player is wrong then they lose their stake.

At the time of writing it is not known whether Poker Pro Cheating Whack-A-Mole will be considered a game of chance or skill… Though we do understand that several pros are already discussing ways in which they can set up a jackpot win… well whodathunkit.


Saturday, 13 August 2011

My Poker Favorite Things

Some irritating advert on the TV has been using the old Rogers and Hammerstein song ‘My Favorite Things’ from the Sound Of Music recently… I’m not a TV watcher and so only catch it in passing, which is plenty annoying enough.

Being a caring and sharing kind of a blog, I thought I’d share the meme – to get you, the loyal and long suffering readers mumbling about cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels too.

Of course, keeping the poker theme of this blog means I have had to make some adjustments to the lyrics too.

My Favorite (Poker) Things
Top set on rag flops and buying those buttons
Firing off barrels and taking down big ones
Promos and reloads and token offerings
These are a few of my favorite poker things

Donk betting newbies and 4 betting monkeys
Limpers and callers and donating donkeys
Making big bluffs when scare cards come in
These are a few of my favorite poker things

Limpers with aces and kings against deuces
Guys who berate you when their next hand loses
Owning the bubble in multi-table tourneys
These are a few of my favorite poker things

When the DoJ bites
When Alderney Stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite poker things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Now get tune out from your head ;)


Thursday, 4 August 2011

French Court Declares Clutching At Straws To Be A Skill Game

If there is one thing that really gets up the nose of a poker player, dear Melted Felt readers, it is calling them gamblers and arguing that their game is one of luck. You will get a terse correction – and that is at the mild end of the scale, with extreme responses including the all important ‘heads-up for rolls?’

When a court, study or television documentary comes down on the ‘skill’ side of the debate, poker players go wild. Nothing is better than sharing the new found information like crazy among other players, so they can collectively nod their heads and tell each other that they told each other so using twitter, forums, facebook and shouting from the treetops using a megaphone made of stiff paper and sticky-tape.

So it was entirely predictable that when a minor French provincial court from the picturesque city of Tolouse had a few glasses of the local Gran Cru and judged poker to be a skill game after all – that the news would instantly go global. This follows fast in the footsteps of some crazy Dutch professor releasing a small scale study, some small court in Turkey finding the same thing and, yeah, like, I’m sure it was on TV or something, right, you saw it didn’t you, didn't you?

Well, how do the same pro players reach the final tables of major events again and again? I hear you cry in union!

How come it is possible to make a living grinding those 16 tables – just like I will be doing as soon as I get over this temporary downswing caused by getting called light by too many donks – I clearly perceive you are stating!

I just have the one question, a small one at that… how come we never hear much about all those other judgments. You know, the ones from bigger courts and committees and, well, governments, you know - people actually have some influence over legislative processes.

How come we never hear about all the times poker is said to be gambling?

The irony of the French law is not lost on us of course, having played with them for many years before the ARIEL setup started. Right, I am off to build a rock-solid case that will once and for all convince the world that clutching at straws, especially to an audience who will agree with your perspective, is a game of SKILL!


Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Full Tilt Poker Avatars – Where Are They Now?

With our money frozen, negotiations taking a long and silent time – and former Rush Poker addicts littering the streets of medium to large metropolitan areas, it is easy to forget the silent victims of this poker sites sudden demise.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, I am talking about the avatars. They were always there for us, ready to change mood at the click of a mouse – yet with the larger issues dominating the press they have been forgotten.

Until now.

Until I decided to send out the Melted Felt Mole to track them down and in former rock-star documentary style ask the question, “Where Are They Now?”

#1 The Panda – We already did an exclusive interview with the Panda avatar a couple of year back, in which he related the tale of how he was really an out of work Panda Porn star… with only the fact that Pandas only have sex once a year really bringing the industry down and forcing him to work as a Full Tilt Avatar. When we tracked down the Ron Jeremy of the Panda-world his luck was no better – his only work coming in a flick aimed at the Furries underground ending in an ugly scene where a mixed up starlet dressed as a kitten tried to remove his head.

#2 – The Scottie Dog – If you thought things were bad for you, then have some heart when considering the plight of the small white dog. After traveling the length of the US getting shut out of an honest days work by union ‘no scotties’ rules, he ended up with a job pulling a human around central park, it only pays food, sleeping basket and subsidized pet insurance… but hey, better than nothing.

#3 – The Afro Guy With White Eyes – Politically correct times means that the ‘scaring the fvck out of children who refuse to do their homework’ market has been replaced with, ‘lets label the lazy sh1ts as having some undefined attention deficit’. With Halloween still months away times are tough, though along with the man-eating plant and the Mummy there is talk of collaborating on a horror movie should FTP not return.

#4 The Rock, Doing a great job moonlighting as the asteroid Vesta out in the belt between Mars and Jupiter. Can’t now wait for the orbiting probe to turn its cameras off – as he is dying for a cigarette.

#5 – The Blonde Guy With The Surf Board, You would have thought that surfing would be an obvious choice – though apparently this avatar just used the board to impress the ladies, and has never actually seen the sea. Come to think of it he has never actually seen past his own nose, which is why we were not surprised to see him sat at 1000’s of Full Tilt tables right now, just about now starting to wonder why the action seems a little on the slow side lately...

#6 – The Grey Woman – You know, the one with that slightly disconcerting smile that made you wonder - who the hell chooses this? She is currently busy stalking you. Yes, you… do not assume I was referring to anyone else here. She is watching you from the minute you leave the house, following your every move and making detailed notes on every single little thing you do and say. Your computer has a keylogger and she is steaming open all your mail. Be afraid, really really afraid... in fact, I would not recommend turning around at this moment - stay - perfectly - still...

#7 – The Donkey – Currently working as a cab driver in Las Vegas, the specially adapted cab can be driven fine with 4 cloven hooves – though there are occasionally embarrassing moments when trying to give out small change.

So many avatars still to go – I’ll have to make this a 2-part post, pop back in a couple of days for the rest!


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