Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Full Tilt Poker Avatars – Where Are They Now?

With our money frozen, negotiations taking a long and silent time – and former Rush Poker addicts littering the streets of medium to large metropolitan areas, it is easy to forget the silent victims of this poker sites sudden demise.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, I am talking about the avatars. They were always there for us, ready to change mood at the click of a mouse – yet with the larger issues dominating the press they have been forgotten.

Until now.

Until I decided to send out the Melted Felt Mole to track them down and in former rock-star documentary style ask the question, “Where Are They Now?”

#1 The Panda – We already did an exclusive interview with the Panda avatar a couple of year back, in which he related the tale of how he was really an out of work Panda Porn star… with only the fact that Pandas only have sex once a year really bringing the industry down and forcing him to work as a Full Tilt Avatar. When we tracked down the Ron Jeremy of the Panda-world his luck was no better – his only work coming in a flick aimed at the Furries underground ending in an ugly scene where a mixed up starlet dressed as a kitten tried to remove his head.

#2 – The Scottie Dog – If you thought things were bad for you, then have some heart when considering the plight of the small white dog. After traveling the length of the US getting shut out of an honest days work by union ‘no scotties’ rules, he ended up with a job pulling a human around central park, it only pays food, sleeping basket and subsidized pet insurance… but hey, better than nothing.

#3 – The Afro Guy With White Eyes – Politically correct times means that the ‘scaring the fvck out of children who refuse to do their homework’ market has been replaced with, ‘lets label the lazy sh1ts as having some undefined attention deficit’. With Halloween still months away times are tough, though along with the man-eating plant and the Mummy there is talk of collaborating on a horror movie should FTP not return.

#4 The Rock, Doing a great job moonlighting as the asteroid Vesta out in the belt between Mars and Jupiter. Can’t now wait for the orbiting probe to turn its cameras off – as he is dying for a cigarette.

#5 – The Blonde Guy With The Surf Board, You would have thought that surfing would be an obvious choice – though apparently this avatar just used the board to impress the ladies, and has never actually seen the sea. Come to think of it he has never actually seen past his own nose, which is why we were not surprised to see him sat at 1000’s of Full Tilt tables right now, just about now starting to wonder why the action seems a little on the slow side lately...

#6 – The Grey Woman – You know, the one with that slightly disconcerting smile that made you wonder - who the hell chooses this? She is currently busy stalking you. Yes, you… do not assume I was referring to anyone else here. She is watching you from the minute you leave the house, following your every move and making detailed notes on every single little thing you do and say. Your computer has a keylogger and she is steaming open all your mail. Be afraid, really really afraid... in fact, I would not recommend turning around at this moment - stay - perfectly - still...

#7 – The Donkey – Currently working as a cab driver in Las Vegas, the specially adapted cab can be driven fine with 4 cloven hooves – though there are occasionally embarrassing moments when trying to give out small change.

So many avatars still to go – I’ll have to make this a 2-part post, pop back in a couple of days for the rest!


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