Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Pokerstars Security Employ New Software To Detect Players Considering Folds

With the shocking ban of long time SNG grinder Sippin_criss last week now thankfully resolved. We thought it timely send in our purely hypothetical investigative journalist, the 'Melted Felt Mole' to find out what was up with the power-hungry tyrants in the department labeled ‘S’.

We found that banning players at the world’s biggest poker site was always accompanied by evil ‘ah-HA-HA’ type laughter, during which the sky would suddenly dim and lightning strike in the far distance. While folding JJ to a tight reg’s 3-bet would get you struck down, a misclick fold with QQ would ensure that your banning was also accompanied by a cawing of a solitary bedraggled crow. More serious poker crimes, including failing to raise your button 3 times in a row - were currently being worked on by a team of scientists who were working out how to flash an accurate premonition of a players death via the Pokerstars software client.

It turns out that the delight at finding players who actually folded is about to be surpassed. Pokerstars are now developing completely imaginary software which can detect those times when you even consider folding.

Using a mixture of timing tells and mouse movements around the fold button – combined with that implant Pokerstars had put behind your eye while you were sleeping – any thoughts of folding 10-10+ / A-Js+ will now be met with an infraction. As the infractions build up, the level of scrutiny of your play will increase. If you subsequently think about folding a small set when an obvious flush draw comes in then it is very likely that a member of your close family will be kidnapped and brutally tortured into making a confession of your disgusting cheating habits, before being thrown from a light aircraft over the Irish sea.

Of course, we should note that the size of mistakes is skewed to one side in the current security setup. While folding JJ to a 3-bet might – depending on the opponent and buy-in level – cost you a couple of dollars… Over-Calling with Ace-Rag will probably cost you a hell of a lot more... wonder why nobody cares about that then?

Chinese Double or Nothing teams, the entire population of Ukraine in the Draw Poker games and the *ahem* assistance of backed players who make big final tables playing for certain well known poker training instructors may take months to investigate… if in fact they are investigated at all. It is nice to know that some power crazed intern with period pains has the authority to ban a high profile, high volume pro - ah-ha-HA

We asked Stars security team to comment on this seeming dichotomy via direct mind-to-mind communication, however it seems they were far to busy laughing at Full Tilt’s demise to even receive what we were saying…


PS: Thanks once again Rich for the inspiration!

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