Friday, 30 September 2011

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Friday again! Another week of your life over, and another series of twists and and turns in the ongoing death-spasms of Full Tilt Poker. Although it may seem like it, this is not the only news in the world of poker this week… where shockingly, other things have been happening too.

- One big scandal concerned RPM Poker, who have apparently been forced to admit using computerized ‘Shills’ to fill their tables. What we found particularly funny about this complaint of using bots, was that the people complaining were the 2+2 crowd, known for robotically multi-tabling, HUD and all… now, what were those 3 laws of robotics again?

- The World Championship Of Online Poker’s $5 million main event and $1.25 million kind of main eventish for most of us concluded earlier this week. The big money was won by someone you have never heard of and will never hear about again, while the smaller main event was taken down by someone else. Fortunately, both names have been put into databases, so if they do ever win anything again the poker news sites can add ‘WCOOP 2011 Main Event Winner’ before their names, which you will then instantly forget again.

- The Miners Union have sent a formal complaint to Washington after they were banned from extracting, erm, data from Bodog. Claiming that this was a case of discrimination against hard working Americans, the miners pointed out that Bodog Asia was proof that their high union wages have made them uncompetitive in the data-mining business, no, erm, not that- sorry – I meant to put something about greedy bankers.

- Continuing with the Bodog story, tracking site Poker Site Scout have declared that in the absence of real data on the amount of players online they will simply roll a pair of dice and use that number instead… though we should warn readers that this means the published figure is likely to be far higher than the real number of players.

- Suppose I should mention, just in passing, that Full Tilt had their license revoked by the Alderney Gaming Council yesterday… would the last person to leave their HQ (probably the funny ‘exclusive empty statements’ writer!) please switch off the lights…


Wednesday, 28 September 2011

DSM-12r To Contain Poker-Specific Entries

Poker and the real world are like chalk and cheese, dear Melted Felt readers – you can try and melt one on top of the other, only to end up with that awful high-pitched screeching noise.

It was a surprise for me when the one and only Melted Felt Mole turned up out of the blue just at the tale end of a serious session – and whispered the exclusive news that the latest DSM would contain some poker-specific conditions.

For those more interested in mixing up their 4-betting ranges than psychiatry, the DSM stands is the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which the head-quacks use mostly to label people schizophrenic and institutionalize them at taxpayer expense. It contains a big list of all that bad bad stuff which can go wrong with a human brain. New rumors have it that the following poker specific madnesses will be added in the next revision:

Online Poker Is Rigged Syndrome: Patients reporting the commonly held delusion that poker is rigged often display accompanying symptoms of narcissistic personality disorders and can devolve into paranoid fantasy very fast. Patients will be convinced that the game mechanically fixed to prevent them personally from winning in tournaments of 1000’s and cash games in which, from the perspective of the outside world, they are just another ordinary player. The kind of patients presenting these symptoms will often have similar delusions including (but not limited to) their personal holiday plans affecting the weather experienced by millions of people.

Treatments For Rigged Poker Symptom Sufferers: Since there is no cure we suggest group therapy sessions on forums and websites where lots of sufferers can post weak-tight bad beats and then agree with each other that the programs must be rigged. Patients generally quickly run out of money, which leads to a risk of ‘Bad Beat Bore Syndrome’ (see below).

Good But Unluckyitis: Patients often present themselves in a stressed and anxious state, adamantly claiming that they played poker ‘perfectly’ and got unlucky again! Furthermore they will often disclose a desire to move up levels to where people respect their raises and try to convince their therapist that they win against good players, but can not beat all those donks. Successful diagnosis of this syndrome can be made by asking the patient about their bankroll management – a blank or puzzled look is a sure sign that this *ahem* talented player is unlucky.

Treatment For Good But Unlucky Syndrome: Suggesting that fish are actually easier to beat will not work against this strongly ingrained delusion. Since moving up too fast often results in the more dangerous ‘Poker Is Rigged’ syndrome we actually suggest powerful tranquilizers in these cases – if nothing else it should slow down their losing sessions.

Recovering Rush Syndrome: There are still players presenting themselves with recovering from Rush Poker Syndrome several months after Full Tilt closed. These players may look like cold-turkey meth addicts, usually appear agitated and confused and will often have eyes which somehow appear to look in three different directions at once.

Treatment For Recovering Rush Syndrome: Pre-frontal lobotomy is the only known cure for this nasty ailment – though with Rush-clones now appearing for non-US players at least you could always get them to give Terminal Poker a try!

Grinding Is Freedom Syndrome: During pre-college years many poker players will generate dangerous levels of the neurotransmitted fckedifiknowatonin, swamping the hypothalamus – this quickly leads to thinking that spending 12 hours a day isolated in a darkened room clicking a mouse to grind poker games is ‘freedom’, while going to college then finding a challenging and rewarding career, friends and a balanced life is not.

Treatment For Freedom Syndrome: Again logical argument simply does not work, since the therapist will be accused of ‘not understanding’ and told that working in a cube is slavery. Strong suggestion to try and persuade these patents to take a fork-lift truck driving course or something similar – as this will at least save them from cleaning toilets or flipping burgers for the rest of their lives when their peers graduate and begin their interesting and varied lives.

Bad Beat Bore Syndrome: This is a particularly nasty poker related neurosis, and one that is very prevalent in society. Millions of players are walking around unattended at this very moment – just waiting for the opportunity to tell you about the time their aces got cracked on the river.

Treatment For Bad Beat Bore Syndrome: Again there is no cure, education of those who are not afflicted is key here. Posters are available detailing how to deal with a random bad beat bore attack, including avoidance strategy and how to quickly get vaccinated if you are trapped in a situation where several bad beat stories are told in succession. Bores can always be directed to the same forums as the ‘Rigged’ crowd.


Monday, 26 September 2011

Latest Full Tilt Roundup

To help you get over the anticlimax of yet another losing WCOOP, dear Melted Felt readers, I thought it was time for a roundup of all the exciting Full Tilt poker based news over the last week. You have probably read it anyway, 5th hand at your favorite poker news regurgitation site. Have you really thought about it though, well – have you?

While we were all chuckling to ourselves that so many people fell for the Subject:Poker ‘DoJ Insider’ spoof concerning Merge, those same Feds went right ahead and acted – updating the indictment on Full Tilt Poker. Names were named, amounts were released to a startled public - and hopes of getting those bankrolls back changed from a ‘vague hope, oh please oh please oh please” to “sigh”.

Now warrants have come into the picture to seize the assets of Lederer, Ferguson and Bitar (among others). With the word Ponzi being repeated around the national press the image of poker has been tarnished further, allowing people who never told us anything to sit on their moral high ground and crow ‘told you so’ to make themselves feel momentarily better about their sad, mundane lives.

Sad and mundane tie in perfectly with the next Full Tilt snippet – concerning the PPA.

Remember? That organization who took a lot of money from players and operators and utterly failed by every possible measure to make even the slightest difference – while issuing a lot of press releases about how fvcking great they were.

Well, like not being able to shake that embarrassing nerd from the office on a night on the town, they are back – this time with advice about how to claim your cash via the DoJ. It would seem a little harsh to recommend doing the complete opposite of what these useless buffoons suggest – so I’m going down the tactful route and saying you should just plain ignore them. Like a bad dream they will fade quickly from your mind… my only worry is that they will probably return and crow a lot when someone else manages to get poker back up and running in the US.

I’ll end with some good news – there is still a speck of a glimmer of the faintest hint of a hope that an investor will come forward and save the day!

Yes, Full Tilt poker have received a letter of intent. No, not those 1000’s of e-mails outlining the intent players have when they get their hands on Howard and Ray – a proper letter of intent from an investor…

These things have a habit of fizzling out, and the cash seemingly stolen from the business is eye-wateringly huge… however, on the off chance it is not some sadist getting extra satisfaction from building false hope for those of us with money trapped, I’ll keep a close eye on the proceedings.


Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Ferguson: You Got The Wrong Jesus

News is not getting any better for the players with funds frozen at Full Tilt Poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Yesterday the Feds announced that they would be pursuing a civil case against some of the owners of Full Tilt, which sought to account for some $400 million in player funds which has disappeared into thin air.

It is alleged that some of the owners and principals in the network of companies which ran the brand took big wads of lovely cash ranging from $8 million through to a wopping $41 million in the case of Lederer. While we ponder just why Howard was such a nit at the poker tables if he had all that money to play with… we should note that Chris “Jesus’ Ferguson is claiming that there is a case of mistaken identity going on here.

Yes, Ferguson has sensationally claimed that the $8 million received from Full Tilt was actually taken by one Jesus Christ and not the line-dancing, carrot chopping PHD in money laundering, no, erm, I mean Computer Science at all.

Evidence that the son of god took the money is everywhere you look, according to Ferguson. What with being omnipotent and all that, seeing the past and future as a continuum and being all-knowing it must have been easy for the sandal wearing fish and loaf creator to know what the river card would be, right?

No need to merge ranges when you know the outcome, no need to semi-bluff the turn when you know exactly what your opponent will do – and no need to tilt ever when all it takes is a quick chat with Dad and *boom* the guy who called you a fish gets to burn for the whole of eternity.

Being the public service blog that people love to say, “well, it used to be funny’ about, we went one step further.

Questioning what need the bloke who died for the sins of mankind would have for $8 million of player funds from Full Tilt? After all, you’d have think he would be doing just fine, what with all those donations which come through TV evangelists… Turns out there were a couple of reasons. First up JC wanted to do the right thing and help his good buddy, the Archangel Gabriel, who had lost a wing and a leg betting (perfectly legally) on the horses in Kentucky. While this was just a few million, it did turn out that his backing arrangement with Russ Hamilton soaked up a few more dollars, and that, well, he had forseen the future and bet long on Phil Ivey adding to his score of World Series bracelets too.

Happy news really, after all, who would like to think badly of the hat-wearing poker pro who knowingly stole millions from the players he was supposed to be representing – when it was all down to that scumbag Jesus Christ all along.


Sunday, 11 September 2011

This Week In Poker News

Running a retrospective today, dear Melted Felt readers on what can only be described as the dullest week in poker in a long long time. Not only was there no poker news of note, all the *ahem* poker news sites who simply re-write the news produced by other *ahem* poker news sites were all regurgitating even more inane drivel than usual.

Thankfully, this was the first week that anyone can remember that Lock Poker have not either had a new cheating scandal, had to deal with new revelations from an existing one, or needed to issue denials clarifying their earlier denials which were later exposed as cover-ups. At least nobody got caught this week, eh?

Rumors were started and then circulated that the Merge Network was next on the US Department of Justice’s target list. Now, this one was re-written several hundred times on news sites, blogs and forums… except.


Except, hang on just a moment.

The mass spread of news was started by one article which quoted some vague ‘source’.

Right, with me so far?


Now we are talking about the DoJ, right. Love ‘em or hate ‘em they managed to surprise a multi-billion dollar industry back in April after a very long and very secret investigation…

Yet now someone ‘inside’ now supposedly tells a poker news site run by poker pros that they are sharing credible information on the next targets?

Pass the bulls**t test to you?

Hmmm, me neither.

Now, it would not be a surprise if networks skill allowing US players became DoJ targets of course… thus proving their mystery ‘source’ to be correct. Come on though folks, you’ll be telling me you’d be a big winner if the games were not specifically rigged against you next... that someone in the know shares information on next targets is simply not credible, that or they took the word gullible out of the dictionary...

Anyway, on with the review of the week!

Epic was probably not the word to describe the latest installment of the Epic Poker league, which attracted only 96 participants. You might think that sounds on the low side, until you realize it was actually twice the number who bothered to watch it…

The WCOOP is running, already players you have never heard of have become incredibly rich after luckboxing their way through massive fields in these big money poker tournaments. What we love the most about the World Championship is the speed with which the pre-launch excitement and anticipation turns to the reality that playing 5,000 field poker tournaments only to bust after 4 hours is really painfully dull. Never mind eh, only another couple of weeks of scraping the cash together for those big buy-ins and there will be the SCOOP to get really worked up for in no time at all…

Really looking forward to the wild and crazy poker news for this week ahead – how about you?


Wednesday, 7 September 2011

2+2 In Shock As Jeff Ifrah Turns Out To Be Tracey Smith, 13

With no sign of an end to the Full Tilt saga, the dogs of 2+2 were at least happy that some communication was finally happening, dear Melted Felt readers. One Jeff Ifrah, joined the forum and has been answering questions, dodging hate and generally giving people that oh-so-small ray of hope that their funds might yet be returned.

Well, being more of a public service than a satire blog that used to be funny – we thought we had better have the credentials of Jeff checked out. After one false start in which we somehow hired two private investigators to follow each other, we finally got to the bottom of the mystery.

And the results were shocking.

It turned out that the person fielding questions about Full Tilt on 2+2 was not a qualified corporate lawyer with inside information at all – it was 13 year old Tracey Smith from Doncaster, a medium-sized town in the north of England.

We immediately scheduled an interview with Tracey, and after an arduous journey through a town where Whippets outnumber people by 12 to 1, we met Tracey along with her Mum and best mate Sharon.

“Well, I were bored like” began a plump 13 year old wearing make-up that looked like it would need to be removed with a blowtorch, “me boyfriend, Kev, well, he had a few quid stuck in poker an all, an ‘ee was spending all-t day refreshing 2+2 t-see if there were ‘out news, ‘s right eh Sharon?” Tracey continued asking a bored looking friend who nodded while blowing a small bubble with her gum.

“So, ‘ey, I thought I’d cheer ‘im up a bit an all. An Jeff Ifrah was all on the news, you know, with the Full Tilt an all – so I picked that for me name” going on, “It kind of took off from-t there, people asking questions an-all, well, we were bored like, weren’t we Sharon?” Sharon looks up from her iPhone long enough to solemnly nod, “It were easy! Those 2+2 boys believed all sorts-o bits ‘bout Hedge funds, visits ‘t Isle of Man an all”

We put it to Tracey that her actions have potentially given false hope to thousands of poker players, spawned 100s of almost identical ‘poker news’ stories offering no original content or opinions, and were in fact a flagrant mis-representation at a time when legal action was taking place all over the world.

Tracey replied that she’d better not tell us that she has actually been posting as Fossilman since she was 7 years old and Isildur1 from the age of 11 then… did not want to shatter any more illusions after all.


Saturday, 3 September 2011

Jamie Gold Opens His Own Poker Site!

For a good couple of years, through good times and bad for the poker world – one search term has always appeared in the listing of Melted Felt. Yes, every day without fail somebody somewhere has searched for some variation of ‘Jamie Gold Broke’ and found this blog...

As we ponder the deep mystery of exactly why that many people cared at all, we can bring you the first Jamie Gold news since he left whatever site he lost a lot of money on last time round.

Yes, Jamie Gold is about to launch his very own poker room.

Called ‘SlightlyShitPoker’ this will be a free-play site – and will thus be able to act as a reminder to US players that their real-money options are either gone, going or fvcking dangerous. will feature Gold’s image, which might scare off children and women quite fast, it will feature poker games in which overbets, bluffs which get there on the river and 7-handed pots are the norm.

To make things even more interesting rumors* are circulating that the 2 through 7 will be removed from the virtual decks, making the game a little easier on the brain. There will also be a huge red ‘one time!’ button, which can be hit by each player once every hour to help them emulate their hero and suck out just one more time.

*started by us, now.

Matthew Muhurhurhur, Jamie Gold’s developer and muse told us this about the new site, “We see this as a great opportunity to remind poker players that – even if they are far better players than Jamie on almost every measure you can imagine – he did win the WSOP main event, and, well, you did not.” Continuing, “we would also like to let players know that we will be offering rakeback over at, enabling you to get a return of 30% on your play chips, no, wait a minute… that can’t be right”

So, will you take the plunge and join what could well be the lamest poker game in town? Will you swap play chips between yourselves while swapping anecdotes about how you used to crush the $5 / $10 games over at Stars – along with all the other former losing micro-grinders?
Do you actually think Jamie Gold is a great player who deserves credit for his win and his contributions to poker since that win in the Main Event?

Whatever the answer, please don’t let us know – just keep it to yourself, eh.


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