Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Ferguson: You Got The Wrong Jesus

News is not getting any better for the players with funds frozen at Full Tilt Poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Yesterday the Feds announced that they would be pursuing a civil case against some of the owners of Full Tilt, which sought to account for some $400 million in player funds which has disappeared into thin air.

It is alleged that some of the owners and principals in the network of companies which ran the brand took big wads of lovely cash ranging from $8 million through to a wopping $41 million in the case of Lederer. While we ponder just why Howard was such a nit at the poker tables if he had all that money to play with… we should note that Chris “Jesus’ Ferguson is claiming that there is a case of mistaken identity going on here.

Yes, Ferguson has sensationally claimed that the $8 million received from Full Tilt was actually taken by one Jesus Christ and not the line-dancing, carrot chopping PHD in money laundering, no, erm, I mean Computer Science at all.

Evidence that the son of god took the money is everywhere you look, according to Ferguson. What with being omnipotent and all that, seeing the past and future as a continuum and being all-knowing it must have been easy for the sandal wearing fish and loaf creator to know what the river card would be, right?

No need to merge ranges when you know the outcome, no need to semi-bluff the turn when you know exactly what your opponent will do – and no need to tilt ever when all it takes is a quick chat with Dad and *boom* the guy who called you a fish gets to burn for the whole of eternity.

Being the public service blog that people love to say, “well, it used to be funny’ about, we went one step further.

Questioning what need the bloke who died for the sins of mankind would have for $8 million of player funds from Full Tilt? After all, you’d have think he would be doing just fine, what with all those donations which come through TV evangelists… Turns out there were a couple of reasons. First up JC wanted to do the right thing and help his good buddy, the Archangel Gabriel, who had lost a wing and a leg betting (perfectly legally) on the horses in Kentucky. While this was just a few million, it did turn out that his backing arrangement with Russ Hamilton soaked up a few more dollars, and that, well, he had forseen the future and bet long on Phil Ivey adding to his score of World Series bracelets too.

Happy news really, after all, who would like to think badly of the hat-wearing poker pro who knowingly stole millions from the players he was supposed to be representing – when it was all down to that scumbag Jesus Christ all along.

MF

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