Friday, 21 October 2011

Alderney Full Tilt Scandal Escalates...

Full Tilt are still not back, and with scapegoats chewing sparse and dry grass from the rocky ground – all eyes are on the people who game them a gaming license in the first place, the Alderney Gaming Council. When yesterday's admission that they were holding their pocket calculators upside-down trying to spell out BOOBLESS when the FTP accounts were being checked... and somehow missed a missing $150 mill - we thought it best to dispatch the best investigative journalist rodent for a poker satire blog which used to be funny in the whole goddam world. Yes, we sent in the one and only Melted Felt Mole.

To say his findings were shocking would be, well, pretty obvious, since we make them up anyway. Once you see the shocking complacency with which this once highly regarded jurastiction handled licencing you will wonder why you ever thought online poker was a 'smart career choice' in the first place.

After a painstaking session of mole-like due-dilligence, here is what the MF Mole found:

-Alderney had actually underestimated Ray Bitar's ego by a factor of 10, this was caused when Sue (a rather nicely presented part-timer in the finance department) had mistakenly dropped a zero and added it to the size of mouth column... which obviously nobody noticed.

- The council had also overestimated their own ability to run a decent licensing regime by more than 83%. Thinking this was all about having those great little badges designed for the websites of site owners and simply paying regular visits to the trunk of Led's car. They had missed some of the stuff about protecting players and ensuring funds were segregated when Polly, from the business controls department, got distracted by the Times cryptic crossword and dropped that particular part of the contract down the back of the photocopier.

- It was not only accounting that was lacking in foresight, Colin from Public Relations also misjudged the anger felt by victims of the council's complete lack of enforcement, and in doing so missed the bad publicity coming from all corners of the globe to the rather twee island licensing scam. Not that Colin cares, he will be half way through that bottle of gin by 10am anyway and fast asleep by lunchtime.

It could be worse, dear Melted Felt readers, after all the head of official looking documents is still doing a fantastic job of spewing red-herrings in semi legal language. Oh, and Mrs Fields from the admin department is always spot on with her bookings in those fancy London hotels for 'hearings', with details taken care of right down to the last biscuit.

Of course, of all the licensing bodies that oversee poker sites, it is only Alderney who fell asleep at the wheel... all of the others are totally legit and 100% diligent, meaning your cash is completely safe, right?


.... Right?


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