Monday, 3 October 2011

Pokersite Cons - 10 Gripes And No Adverts

It seems to me, dear Melted Felt readers, that every website and it’s dog are happy to waffle on about just how great every single poker site is… It is hollow of course, jaded readers know full well they want you to sign up so they can collect a percentage of your pitifully low rake as you bust one $50 buy-in after another.

Even when a site is ‘honest’ enough to bring you the cons of a site, this is usually like the interview question where they ask you about a weakness. “Oh, I’m just too damn hardworking curse me, I just can’t help being a perfectionist”…

Anyway, I play on enough poker sites to know a few real cons when I see them… so without further pointless waffle – here is my cheerful Monday morning list of 10 poker site gripes.

#1 – Party Poker: When I get sucked out on my the 100th donkey of the session and close the tournament table in disgust, the last thing I want to see is a pop up message saying ‘are you sure you want to leave? You are playing a hand….”. No Party, the hand is over, I busted – now let me go and sulk without adding insult to fvcking my injury.

#2 – Pokerstars: Oh there are only 500 people in this tournament, I’ll join should be over by midnight… late reg follows, 2000 more join and at 3am you min cash, at 4am you have added $3 more to your min cash and at 5am you bust for double your buy-in… now looking forward to my 7am alarm like a hole in the head.

#3 – Titan / iPoker: No synchronized breaks – why? Every other damn site online breaks at 5 to the hour… why do I have to give up that precious time when I interact with the rest of the world to keep playing at Titan? (Actually I don’t, there are enough tournaments elsewhere not to have to bother without a very good reason, you listening Titan?).

#4 – Carbon / Merge: No, those animated headbanging panda cartoon things are not funny, especially when they distract me from the near-impossible task of finding the lobbies of tournaments I'm playing in.

#5 – Party Poker 2: What the fvck is your slider all about, eh? 2x or 4x or just up and down and up and down until it is a choice of 4x or timing out, grrrr.

#6 – Pokerstars 2: When I want to find a tournament to play in, could I please not have to scroll through 300 hyper turbo Sunday Million satellites each with 1 Swedish player waiting in it, please?

#7 – Party Poker 3: Sometimes my computer likes to load applications, download stuff and all that – well – computery sort of stuff. This does not mean I lack enough memory for your crappy card animations, far from it. Please stop switching them off 5 times per session, please.

#8 – OnGame / Red Kings: Now, what the f is up with those 5 handed SNGs, I mean, really? You fixed it for cash games, so the thing stopping you making the SNGs 6-handed is what exactly??

#9 – Pacific / Nope, I am not going to sit wearing red / green glasses playing poker – nobody is - you are just being silly.

#10 Titan / iPoker: Your tables are pretty plain, with fairly average graphics, not too many functions or scripts which should slow things down… so why oh why do they take 2 minutes to load? Why do I have to click ok on 3 different pop up messages while it does so,? And (for crying out loud) if you are going to fold my hands when I move table because your crappy PlayDoh software can not change fast enough – at least have the courtesy to not move me from the Big Blind on one table straight into the Big Blind on the next.

Got any gripes about online poker sites?

Good for you, keep them to yourself now won’t you – nobody likes a whiner.

M (whiner) F

1 comment:

Littleacornman said...

Your number 1 gripe with Party is spot on.Drives me nuts being asked if I'm sure I want to leave the table when I bust a sng!

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