Monday, 21 November 2011

EPT Greece Subject To EU Bailout Terms?

The European Poker Tour, or EPT, is growing and growing – in fact there are now so many stops that places as far away from Europe as the Bahamas are included in the list. Those readers who just can not decide whether or not they like olives will be pleased to hear that the inaugural EPT Greece will kick off this fall, some 75 miles south of Athens in the seaside resort of Loutraki.

You might think it is as simple as booking your flight, handing over the buy-in and getting bad beat on level 1 – dear Melted Felt readers. The reality is that things are just a little more complex than this... what with the current economic climate and extra charges for replacing all those smashed plates.

So, here is how to enter:

1 – First you need to send proof that your income is good enough to enter. If you are currently a little short, the Greeks have a * ahem * special arrangement with Goldman Sachs that they will sign-off your accounts by transferring the liabilities on your balance sheet to a friendly neighborhood goat.

2 – Next you need to borrow the entry fee itself from German and French banks. This is possible at extremely low credit charges, after all, Greece is a member of the EU, so what can possibly go wrong with a loan like this?.

3 – Once the tournament itself starts you can take 5 chips from each of the shortest stacks at your table in the name of 'austerity' each blind level. Half of these should be given to the chip leader, and the other half to the tournament director.

4 – After level 5 it will be announced that there is a new tranche of chips to be distributed to the players. Unfortunately the only way to get them will be to get the banks who agreed to pay your entry fee to take a 50% haircut on their loan. You can get them to do this by threatening to ask the drunk guys on the rail whether you should go all-in blind before the flop for the next 5 hands in a row.

5 - At level 7, all Irish, Portuguese and Italian players at the table will be required to hand 10% of their chip stacks to a special pile of chips which will then be handed to those from Germany, France and the Netherlands.

6 – Level 9 sees a rescue, all Greek players who were busted in earlier levels through crazy play will be given a new chip stack by the IMF.

7 – The 'Austerity' chip take now goes up to 1000 chips per round, anyone refusing this will be replaced by a technocrat with previous European Central Bank experience who will play the remainder of the game by waiting for aces and then mini-raising.

8 – As we get to the final 2-tables, things start to get complicated. First up, Spanish Players will have to stop using the cardboard chips colored with crayons – which were allowed earlier as they were backed up by worthless Spanish real estate. The tournament director also gets replaced, by Germans who will decide on the blind levels, bet amounts and remove any good cards from the deck or countries who previously over-valued their hands.

9 – Unfortunately any Brits still in the tournament as we reach the final table will have their chip stack devalued against holders of chips in Euros. Any Brit found offering advice on money management to the other players will be ridiculed by the German and French poker press.

10 – As we get down to the heads-up part of the match it will be announced that the Euro has imploded based on its inherent weakness of only existing to make German exports cheaper globally. The prize will be converted into newly created Drachma, since this is worth sweet fvck-all the winner will be given the option to take home the very same goat which Goldman Sachs transferred your liabilities to when you entered.

All I can say is: Good luck at the tables!


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