Tuesday, 29 November 2011

How To Tell A Player’s Nationality Without Hovering Your Mouse Over Their Name

You know, dear Melted Felt readers, life can be a struggle sometimes… and I know too well that your wrists bear the brunt of the strain. Not only do you need to decide exactly how much ‘thin value’ to go for on the turn, you need to move that cursor over your opponent’s name to see where he comes from in order to justify that all-in call.

That extra movement adds up to more than 1 million cases of carpal tunnel each year – according to stats released by some people who desperately want more funding for carpal tunnel research.

You were not worrying were you? Well I hope not, because in addition to being the world’s only poker satire blog which is OFFICIALLY no longer funny – Melted Felt is also a public service.

Yes, today I can save you a mouse-over-hover or 3 by showing you that your opponent’s nationalities can quickly be assessed merely by looking at their Pokerstars avatar picture:

Avatar / Nationality Quick Reference Guide:

- Beautiful Woman / Supermodel Close Up Face Shot: This is 100% reserved for Germans, in fact these women are so beautiful that they sometimes convince the players themselves that that is really them… obviously nobody else though.
- Own Face Shot: This is divided into two camps. If the face shot is of a darker complexion smiling guy looking cool – maybe with a finger along the chin… that’s almost certainly a Brazilian. The pale psycho with mousy hair, that’s a Russian.
- Baby / Dog: Brit, sometimes Canadian, but mostly Brits.
- British Premiership Football Team Badge: Swedish.
- Swedish Football Team Badge: Erm, nobody, might be a fun one for some Brits though – if you can bear to pull down that picture of Rover.
- Cartoon / The Joker From Batman: Dutch, and no, check raising all in with air and calling / min-raising with aces is not actually ‘tricky play’.
- Skull / Monster: Could be either a Finn, Estonian or a German who has yet to figure how cool It would be to pretend to be a fantastically beautiful woman.

Well, I’m bound to think of several more the moment this is published…


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