Wednesday, 14 December 2011

2011 Melted Felt Awards

They are prestigious, they are relevant, they are shiny and new – and they are published today. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, we reach the end of another year of opening every damn post with ‘dear Melted Felt readers’, oh yeah, and announce the results of poker’s most sought after accolade too – the one and only Melted Felt awards.

The competition was the toughest it has ever been this year. Which bearing in mind that these are the inaugural awards is not all that surprising… With no less than 3 categories of awards to fight for, the opening of the envelopes took place in my study, shortly after I had sealed them. With no champagne readily available, the ‘csssp’ of opening a can of lager added to the ambiance of the star-studded occasion.

So, without any more sh1te, here are the categories:

-1 The 2011 Poker Satire Blog Which Used To Be Funny Award.

This was a tough category, the poker satire niche being as crowded as it is. With, oooo, 10’s of poker blogs out there cracking the occasional pun – it was a matter of measuring the peak to trough, of setting the clap-o-meter on max, then scanning the horizon for the appearance of tumbleweed.

In the end there was only ever one winner. One poker satire blog which plumbed new depths this year – trying, desperately, to resurrect its past chuckle-filled glories. Yes the prestigious 2011 ‘Poker Satire Blog Which Used To Be Funny’ award goes to: Melted Felt

(applause mixed with cheers and the occasional whistle)

-2 Poker Player Of The Year 2011

Wow, this category could have so many nominations it would impossible to count. Pius Heinz for putting Germany on the poker map, Phil Ivey for taking a stand and not playing in the World Series, Chris Moorman for crushing online poker tournaments, Durrrr for probably winning a lot of money, maybe and so on…

When the cows had come home for long enough for the dust to settle, one play, which astounded the poker world stood out. It was made by your humble host in a $11 online tournament and involved the shocking tale of folding Queens before the flop after the worlds nittiest nit 3-bet… only to turn over aces. Yeah, well, alright, not exactly a heroic laydown… the thing is I managed to heroically resist typing ‘folded QQ’ into the chat box even when one flopped after the nit had turned up his aces… I went on to min-cash 4 hours later.

The small fact that I have not won a dime, let alone a tournament this year has nothing to do with it, the Melted Felt Poker Player of the Year award goes to: Planet Mark

(Cheers mixed with 'wow he really folded queens' and 'ooohhh' noises)

-3 Online Poker Site Of The Year

Just one small issue with this category. While these awards are undoubtedly one of the most prestigious in all of online poker… this is the first time though. This means the online poker sites will not have had the opportunity to *ahem* enlighten me as to why they should get the award, for example with expensive gifts or all-expenses paid trips.

I could pick an ‘Ironic’ candidate for this award, UB anyone? The thing is this just works almost as well as turning a Wordsworth poem into a poker satire post, I’d be as lonely as a cloud…
So, a holding category for now – just so someone gets the fantastic prize of a second can of lager, I’ll award this one to myself.

(deafening sound of poker site managers instructing their staff to make sute Planet Mark is 'well looked after' for 2012)

-4 Person Of The Year 2011

Time magazine have one, so why not Melted Felt. This is the toppest of top when it comes to award categories, and so some serious consideration of the candidates needs to be made before I continue with the lame gag of awarding everything to myself.

Many people have shaped our lives in various ways this year, and some big-cheeses have died too. I mean, it’s a tough choice between Jackson and Jobs as to who made more people happy overall during their slightly twisted lifetimes. Political heavyweights and finance chiefs might be the subject of your hate, while sports-stars and slightly stupid celebrities balance this with your love. However one awesome person stands a head-and-shoulders above the crowd when it comes to person of the year.

After donating small sums to charity no less than twice, once being nice to a random dog and generally not p1ssing too many people off. I feel the prestigious person of the year award (which comes with a pizza (topping of your choice) in addition to the 3rd can of lager) – goes to none other than Planet Mark. After all, nobody has done more in the world of poker satire blogs that used to be funny, and nobody ever will.

Remember, you will have forgotten that these awards were not funny long before I do the 2012 version… look forward to seeing you back online then!


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