Saturday, 29 January 2011

The Real WSOP 2011 Schedule?

It is that time of the year again, dear Melted Felt readers. The time when millions of slightly losing 10NL players start to dream of how damn cool they will look on the televised final table of the World Series of Poker main event. They count up their player points, check the back of the sofa for extra cash to deposit and get stuck in to the WSOP satellites online.

Hang on for a moment though. That schedule looks kind of dry, right? It misses something, something like the information of who and why, something about the thinking behind each event in the list... Worry not! Melted Felt, the only poker satire blog in the whole world that is officially no longer funny, has filled in the gaps for you!!

Without further ado - Possibly the Real WSOP 2011 Schedule

Tuesday, May 31st Event #1: For people who would have been poker pros, if only those aces had held up on the bubble back in '98. (Casino Employees NL Hold’em, $3.50c buy-in)

Tuesday, May 31st Event #2: Heads-Up No Limit Hold’em Championship, max of 256 rich sadists, priced to guarantee some celeb bracelet winners early enough for the publicity people.
$25,000 buy-in

Wednesday, June 1st avent #3: Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better for players wearing sandals with white socks. $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 2nd Event #4: NL Hold’em For soon to be disappointed Internet Prodigies, to be won by an unknown Norwegian . $5,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 2nd Event #5: Seven Card Stud For players with beards. $1,500 buy-in

Friday, June 3rd Event #6: Limit Hold’em with 23% of the field guaranteed not to have realized it was fixed limit until too late, $1,500 buy-in

Friday, June 3rd Event #7: Pot Limit Hold’em Championship for slightly puzzled NL Holdem fans, how much can I raise again? $10,000 buy-in


Saturday, June 4th Event #8: No Limit Hold’em for players who will join the $10k events just as soon as their damn luck evens out. $1,000 buy-in

Saturday, June 4th Event #9: No Limit 2-7 Draw Lowball, sponsored by the sado-masochist society. $1,500 buy-in

Monday, June 6th Event #10: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed for players who were sucked out on in event #8. $1,500 buy-in

Monday, June 6th Event #11: Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better Championship for players with split pot personalities. $10,000 buy-in

Tuesday, June 7th Event #12: Triple Chance No Limit Hold’em, after the forums buzz with who is going to 'breakthrough' this year, this will be won by an old time poker pro, or an unknown Norwegian. $1,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 8th Event #13: No Limit Hold’em Shootout, please note that due to a prior booking of a Celine Dione concert, this event will be held at the OK Coral. $1,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 8th Event #14: Limit Hold’em, 3 bet that you internet whipper-snappers event. $3,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 9th Event #15: Pot Limit Hold’em for players who ran below ev in events #8 and #10. $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 9th Event #16: No Limit 2-7 Draw Lowball Championship exclusively for players who cut themselves during their teenage years, to express their true inner feelings - man. $10,000 buy-in

Friday, June 10th Event #17: HORSE, no no, not holdem, omaha, razz, stud and stud-8 - this is the no-limit holdem event for horses. $1,500 buy-in

Saturday, June 11th Event #18: No Limit Hold’em, in which the poker world breathes a collective sigh of relief when Phil Hellmuth gets knocked out just before winning. $1,500 buy-in


Saturday, June 11th Event #19: Limit Hold’em Six-Handed for people who ran below ev in the earlier event, can't be that different to No-Limit, eh? $2,500 buy-in


Sunday, June 12th Event #20: No Limit Hold’em, for the remaining 7000 players who played great but could not get the donks to fold in events #8, #10, #12, #15 and #18 $1,000 buy-in


Sunday, June 12th Event #21: Seven Card Stud Championship for players with full beards only, no goatees or sculpted side-boards allowed. $10,000 buy-in

Monday, June 13th Event #22: Pot Limit Omaha, 27% of the field guaranteed to attempt using 1 or 3 cards from their hand. $1,500 buy-in

Monday, June 13thEvent #23: Eight-Game Mix, sponsored by the ADHD society. $2,500 buy-in

Tuesday, June 14th Event #24: No Limit Hold’em Shootout, because SNG players deserve some love too. $5,000 buy-in

Tuesday, June 14th Event #25: Seven Card Stud High-Low Eight or Better for players who are starting to get desparate for a score. $1,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 15th Event #26: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed, because cash game grinders deserve a little love too. $2,500 buy-in

Wednesday, June 15th Event #27: Limit Hold’em Championship for players who don't like to fold for just one more bet. $10,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 16th Event #28: No Limit Hold’em for players who ran below ev in... yeah yeah, you got it by now. Probably won by Tom Dwan, or maybe an unknown Norwegian? $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 16th Event #29: Ten-Game Mix Six-Handed, to add to the excitement all players are required to smoke crystal meth during the breaks. $2,500 buy-in

Friday, June 17th Event #30: Seniors No Limit Hold’em Championship, bathroom breaks scheduled every 15 minutes. $1,000 buy-in

Friday, June 17th Event #31: Blindfolded Pot Limit Omaha, you won't know which side of the 51%/49% you were until the hand is over. $3,000 buy-in

Saturday, June 18th Event #32: No Limit Hold’em, lets just call it the world series of small buy-in NL Holdem and have fvucking done with it shall we?? $1,500 buy-in

Saturday, June 18th Event #33: Seven Card Stud High-Low Split Eight or Better Championship, come on Mike, how many chances do you need? $10,000 buy-in

Sunday, June 19th Event #34: No Limit Hold’em, the early start time should keep the field under 4000ish. $1,000 buy-in

Monday, June 20th Event #35: P1ssed Pot Limit Omaha Six-Handed, mandatory shooters after every hand should make this one fun. $5,000 buy-in

Tuesday, June 21st Event #36: No Limit Hold’em, a great opportunity to swap bad beat stories from the 19 previous smaller buy in NL Holdem events. $2,500 buy-in

Tuesday, June 21st Event #37: HORSE Championship, this one is the mixed game poker version, no actual horses allowed. $10,000 buy-in

Wednesday, June 22nd Event #38: No Limit Hold’em, really? another one? what if they banned hoodies and ipods for one? Anything to make it different, anything... $1,500 buy-in


Wednesday, June 22nd Event #39: Pot Limit Hold’em/Omaha, each time the game changes, whoever is on the button has to tell a story or amusing anecdote involving an animal. $2,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 23rd Event #40: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed, because you'd better have the goods to push me off of my button... $5,000 buy-in

Friday, June 24th Event #41: Limit Hold’em Shootout, reserved for dwarves, siamese twins, hunchbacks, beared women and people 98% or more covered in tatoos. $1,500 buy-in

Friday, June 24th Event #42: Naked Pot Limit Omaha Championship, held behind closed doors to protect the public. $10,000 buy-in

Saturday, June 25th Event #43: No Limit Hold’em, because they fvucking can. $1,500 buy-in

Saturday, June 25th Event #44: Seven Card Razz only for players with greying full beards and girlfriends at least 25 years younger. $2,500 buy-in

Sunday, June 26th Event #45: No Limit Hold’em, haha hehe to the funny farm, where the grass is green and life is beautiful all of the time. $1,000 buy-in

Monday, June 27th Event #46: No Limit Hold’em Six-Handed Championship, for big, butch, button buying ballers. $10,000 buy-in

Monday, June 27th Event #47: Omaha/Seven Card Stud High-Low Eight or Better, for a little variety in the highs and lows of everyday poker games. $2,500 buy-in


Tuesday, June 28th Event #48: No Limit Hold’em, guuurggle, gib gib gib, sppplllaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh $1,500 buy-in


Tuesday, June 28th Event #49: Limit 2-7 Triple Draw Lowball for players who never really came to terms with the death of their pet hamster, fluffy, all those years ago. $2,500 buy-in


Wednesday, June 29th Event #50: Triple Chance No Limit Hold’em, shop now - your big chance to get 3 totally separate bad-beat stories for the price of, erm, three. $5,000 buy-in

Thursday, June 30th Event #51: Pot Limit Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better on Acid, mixing the highs with the lows in a truly psychedelic experience. $1,500 buy-in

Thursday, June 30th Event #52: Mixed Hold’em, no no, thats mixed, not fixed. $2,500 buy-in

Friday, July 1st Event #53: Ladies No Limit Hold’em Championship, with special chart to show what the blue chips are worth. $1,000 buy-in

Saturday, July 2nd Event #54: No Limit Hold’em, well, whodafvckingthunkit, NL Holdem again
$1,000 buy-in

Saturday, July 2nd Event #55: Poker Player’s Championship, called the real world championship - but only by those whose entries are paid for by their sponsor poker sites. $50,000 buy-in

Tuesday, July 5th Event #56: No Limit Hold’em, OMG if you don't cash this one thats another blank year, shoot and you were so sure it was going to be your turn too. $1,500 buy-in

Tuesday, July 5th Event #57: Pot Limit Omaha High-Low Split Eight or Better specially scheduled for players desperate for a bracelet, any fvucking bracelet. $5,000 buy-in


Thursday, July 7th Event #58: Main Event, confirmed as a HUGE anticlimax for everyone concerned as the pros get busted, some boring online grinders final table, then shutting down for months the moment it gets interesting... maybe next year, huh?

Whew, what a list... if you enjoyed it please help spread the word... thanks!

MF

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Pokerstars Home-Games Branded Unrealistic

An exclusive today, dear Melted Felt readers – a story so new you’ll only read it here - at the only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny.

Now, unless you have been living under a bridge in a rather nice detached cardboard-box style residence complete with plastic bag roof, you will know that Pokerstars recently brought in their ‘home-games’ functionality. Dispite the fanfair, the big advertising budget and the thin – yet oh so knowing – smile in the direction of Full Tilt… we felt there was something missing from the new functions… something not quite right.

Home games just don’t play like online poker games, so I got together with those special friends which live only inside my head and came up with a small list of suggestions. The idea here, dear readers, is to see if we can’t make the Stars Homegames more, erm, homegame-y.

Hopefully our suggestions will be in time for the next software upgrade:

- Fold Buttons: Surely not everyone can have a fully functional fold-button if we are to maintain that authentic home-game feeling?
- The 8x pre-flop raise button: This would save a lot of clicking
- Underbet Feature: To replicate that a$$hole who announces raise to $30, then splashes $25 all over the pot in $1 chips such a way as it is difficult to verify.
- The ‘Is it on me?’ button
- Does a 4-card straight actually beat 3-pair? Sure we can look at the rules online anytime… though how do we resolve this one when drunk?
- Sweet Talk The Hosts Sister after being knocked out first hand of the home game SNG button.
- Soggy Corner on the king of clubs, after some clown puts his beer on it.
- The ‘All Limp’ button: This would save a lot of time, come on guys we know that any 2-cards can hit a monster on the flop.
- The ‘What are the blue ones worth?’ function, someone is going to ask, would be needed for all of the colors of course.
- Extra Late entry function, for the idiot nobody actually likes who turns up 2 hours late when you are down to 4 players and has to be dealt in as he is the key donator in the cash game to be played later.
- A ‘Dealers Choice Plus’ button: Not only good for games like 5-card Omaha Hi-Lo with 2 boards, crazy pineapple and 9-card stud, but with a special feature which enables some prat to introduce a new rule half way through the hand.
- The all-important 'How much is it to call?' button, for the guy who folds every hand all night while texting on his iphone, then decides to get tricky with the aces...

I’m sure there are many more out there… I’ll save them up for a future post.

MF

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Monday, 10 January 2011

Post On Isildur1 Cancelled As Dog Bites Man

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, you know that this blog – though officially not funny any more – likes to stand out from the crowd. With every other poker news site, blog and *ahem* poker strategy site which ran out of ideas years ago posting the same old Isildur1 / Viktor Blom story, we have cancelled our version.

Instead we have an exclusive tale of a man getting bitten by a dog:

“Well, I had just made par on the 14th, that tricky dog-leg with the hidden sand traps, and was stood waiting for my buddy Mac to putt”, started Al – an amazingly unremarkable retiree from Florida. “Then, from nowhere this little critter scampers up, wagging away – ‘bout foot high I’d say”. Continuing, “Well I leant over to pat his head and, would you damn well know it, the little mongrel snaps right at my arm, drew a small spot of blood ‘n all.”

Thanks Al, I’m absolutely sure our readers will find that a lot more interesting than the ‘news’ that Victor Blom is in fact Isildur1.

Seems like the news sites have outdone even themselves this weekend, reporting that high-rollers made the final table of the high-roller championship (when the smoke cleared). And after no help came on the turn or river, someone we have never heard of won the Sunday Million.

Ok, I’m off to bite some dogs – we look forward to the next installment of the Tony G vs Blom showdown… whats the line on this getting to be a ‘best of 273’ by the end of the year?

MF

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Monkeys, Bananas And Poker Site Scandals

Here is a thought, dear Melted Felt readers. It is the kind of thought that puts a couple of other thoughts together… unfortunately it concerns UB.com, which always gets some hate mail. If hate mailers could please clearly label their mails 'hate' that would be great, they are quicker to delete that way...

So, here is something I estimated from a Party Poker corporate statement, my own experiences and observations of forums / leaderboards etc: The half-life of an online poker player is approximately 6 months.

This is to say, that after 6 months, 50% of those who started playing will have stopped (not ruling out that they might come back at some point, so ‘mostly stopped’ is near enough). After another 6 months we are down to 25% of those original starters… 18 months 12.5%, 24 months 6.75% and so on… this is <2% for 3 years – this seems logical enough, these are the grinders.

** Right, Time to jump to another subject **

MONKEYS!

Yeah, monkeys are cool.

Anyway, there was a famous Monkey experiment by one Adam Chan in which some yummy bananas were placed on top of a pole…. And every time a monkey tried to climb the pole to get them, it was hosed down with icy cold water and thwarted in its attempt. After a while the monkeys gave up (unlike most poker players, though that is another story).

Now they added a brand spanking new monkey to the group, who tried to climb the pole to get a 'nana (it had no experience of the cold water). The other monkeys pulled it away from the pole… nice bunch eh? Looking after a newcomer like that...

Anyway, the twist is this… eventually all of the monkeys were replaced one-by-one. We reached the point where no monkeys had any experience of the icy water… yet the group still did not attempt to climb the pole, and still stopped any newcomer (physically) from doing so.

Neat experiment huh… I’m pretty sure they would have rubbed shampoo in their eyes afterwards – I mean, whats the point of experimenting with animals if you are not going to be unnecessarily cruel.

Can we get to the point now Mark? Oh yeah, of course...

My point is this: How many UB.com ‘haters’ were actually around in 2008 when the storm broke… and how many are the monkeys who have seen the scorn of their peers since they started playing and type their forum hate without fully understanding why?? Just a thought.

I’ll go get my tin-foil hat.

MF

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Xmas Presents To Blame Once More As Annie And Phil Leave UB.com?

Earlier this week we speculated that the gift of curling-tongs, dear Melted Felt readers, lead to the abrupt departure of one Lee Jones from Cake Poker. Just a couple of days later and we are back, wondering how things could have gone so wrong for UB.com – who have lost the services of both Annie (oh, Annie) Duke and Phil Hellmuth.

Not having access to inside information meant we had to dispatch the Melted Felt Mole, our intrepid hack who loves to rifle through trash cans, bribe junior members of staff, hold the wives of senior management at gunpoint – and if he gets stuck in the pub – just make plausible sounding news up and pretend that it is real.

What the Mole came back with was shocking, even for the voices in our head. We wildly speculate right here that Annie (oh, Annie) and Phil both left their long-time sponsors due to the anger, resentment and bewilderment caused by what can only be described as rather poorly selected seasonal gifts.

When Annie (oh oh oh, Annie) unwrapped her package, with the label reading ‘love from Management’ (just the one kiss), She would immediately have known that her time was up… Daniel Negreanu might have provided some solid hand advice in his Holdem Wisdom book – the signed copy just added insult to, erm, insult though.

Well that certainly gave Annie (oh, Annie) a good reason to leave. When it comes to Phil the inappropriateness of gifts was not just an insult to his good name, it was an insult to his family, most of his friends, quite a lot of the friends of his friends, their pets and some of their pets friends too… Apparently, Phil was cool with a copy of Dale Carnegie’s ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’. He was not even too upset when his sexy santa posing pouch turned up in size XXS. What really got Phil's UB goat was the Fischer Price Plastic Jewelry making set for girls under 7 (deluxe edition), with the note attached saying poker has moved on so far in the last few years, that you’d better make your own bracelets from now on…

As far as the moles report goes – Joe Seebok is still in place in his capacity of UB’s 'head of not being gay, at all.' To be honest we were relieved, I mean, it would have been difficult to make up bullsh1t about his xmas gifts in a family-friendly poker satire blog.

MF – The Family Friendly Poker Satire Blog That Used To Be Funny ™

 
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