Monday, 31 October 2011

It's Offical! Hourly Rate For Trick or Treating Now Beats Grinding SNGs

Not so much a tale of spooks and specters today, dear Melted Felt readers, as a cautionary tale of sample sizes, skeletons and projecting hourly rates of today to the far far future based on running good for a couple of hours you fucking donkey... but without the skeletons.

We join Nate, who, after taking his younger siblings Trick or Treating for 3 hours this halloween, totalled up the sweets, treats and goodies and decided that the hourly rate - at some $14.67 - was actually higher than his current $8.19c per hour grinding turbo SNGs online.

Nate then did some sums on the margin of an old Cardplayer magazine, noting that at 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week for 50 weeks a year Trick or Treating could net him a *ahem* tax free take of almost $30k yearly... more than he could possibly earn as a 'corporate slave' and he'd be free at the same time. Nate immediately decided to drop out of college and become a 'Trick or Treat Pro'.

So, the very next day Nate dressed up as an Egyptian Mummy and went out Trick or Treating once more, with a combination of leftover treats and some amused householders he was able to hit $9 an hour, blaming his slightly down take from yesterday run on being skilled - but having below average luck.

The next day saw Nate's take way down, a mere $3 per hour, now our man new he was one of the most naturally skilled Trick or Treaters around... so there must be something going on right? Were householders in this neighborhood now rewarding unskilled new Trick or Treaters - sucking them into the system so that they would lose more later??

Abuse now started to come in as he knocked on doors, but Nate just blamed this on 'the Haters' who simply did not understand that a Trick or Treat grinder was a perfectly good profession - pointing out that, in fact, his Treatscope (TM) graph proved that he was one of the best 'invisible men' on the block and that would play anyone who disagreed heads-up for their entire collection of Twinkies.

As the days rolled by it became more and more obvious that the books, training sites and coaching had simply made Trick or Treating's expected value so wafer thin that it was impossible for even the most talented player to make a living any more. But not to worry dear readers, Nate is already in discussion with some rich poker backers who are believed to be about to shell out to the tune of a brand new count dracula costume - complete with coffin, which will enable Nate to move up to the posher neighborhoods, where people respect his door-knocks.

Good Luck at those doorsteps Nate - we'll follow up soon to find out whether Trick or Treating is really rigged...

MF

Monday, 24 October 2011

Jim Green Becomes 100,000th Person To Choose The Joker Avatar At Pokerstars

Poker records come and poker records go, to be parked in that special place in memory where things which we were never interested in to start with gently fade away. Only today a different kind of record has been broken. Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, Jim Green (known as 'Greeny' to his buddies and James to his Mom) officially became to 100,000th player to upload a 'Joker' avatar to his Pokerstars account to display at the tables.

Making the connection between the Joker character in the Batman films and the Joker playing card – and wanting this to represent ones character at the tables – was an obvious and highly individual choice for Jim. Feeling his insight was both amusing and unique, he simply googled 'Joker' found the one of the same 3 pictures everyone else uses, and hit the upload button with a grin.

Like the other 99,998 'Joker' displaying players, Jim thinks of himself as both tricky and smart.

Anyone who has played the game of poker for more than 3 days would of course realize that he is mixing up the terms 'tricky and smart' with 'plays backwards'.

Checking when strong and making big bluffs when weak is a great way to feel like you are playing deceptively, that you are running rings around your unwitting opponents in the same way that Heath Leger ran around Batman in movie theaters all over the world. Actually what it means is that you are playing small pots when ahead, letting draws catch you up and losing big pots when waayyy behind. Of course, according to Jim it is the fact that there are just too many clueless donks which explains his negative results, nothing what so ever to do with the fact that he only ever limps while holding aces...

At this point in the post astute readers will have noticed that there is one player missing... with 99,998 players whose river bluffs are easy calls, Jim (whose river bluffs are also easy calls) we would only get to 99,999 – and not the record breaking 100,000th player mentioned in the title.

Well, the missing player is Bill Hodgeson, of Montreal Canada. He got blind drunk one night, thought that changing his avatar to the joker would be really very cool and then switched to the plain (avatar-free) table view. Bill is making a fvcking fortune in the cash games at the moment, he gets paid off again and again while holding nut or near nut hands. His graph is so steep that Pokerstars security have already checked him out... Actually Bill is a pretty average tightish grinder, funny how those Joker icons can help get you paid off huh?

No, wait a minute here.

Ah well, my dog looks cute enough, and gives absolutely nothing away about my weak-loose style of play... I'll stick to that one.

No, wait another minute...

MF

Friday, 21 October 2011

Alderney Full Tilt Scandal Escalates...

Full Tilt are still not back, and with scapegoats chewing sparse and dry grass from the rocky ground – all eyes are on the people who game them a gaming license in the first place, the Alderney Gaming Council. When yesterday's admission that they were holding their pocket calculators upside-down trying to spell out BOOBLESS when the FTP accounts were being checked... and somehow missed a missing $150 mill - we thought it best to dispatch the best investigative journalist rodent for a poker satire blog which used to be funny in the whole goddam world. Yes, we sent in the one and only Melted Felt Mole.

To say his findings were shocking would be, well, pretty obvious, since we make them up anyway. Once you see the shocking complacency with which this once highly regarded jurastiction handled licencing you will wonder why you ever thought online poker was a 'smart career choice' in the first place.

After a painstaking session of mole-like due-dilligence, here is what the MF Mole found:

-Alderney had actually underestimated Ray Bitar's ego by a factor of 10, this was caused when Sue (a rather nicely presented part-timer in the finance department) had mistakenly dropped a zero and added it to the size of mouth column... which obviously nobody noticed.

- The council had also overestimated their own ability to run a decent licensing regime by more than 83%. Thinking this was all about having those great little badges designed for the websites of site owners and simply paying regular visits to the trunk of Led's car. They had missed some of the stuff about protecting players and ensuring funds were segregated when Polly, from the business controls department, got distracted by the Times cryptic crossword and dropped that particular part of the contract down the back of the photocopier.

- It was not only accounting that was lacking in foresight, Colin from Public Relations also misjudged the anger felt by victims of the council's complete lack of enforcement, and in doing so missed the bad publicity coming from all corners of the globe to the rather twee island licensing scam. Not that Colin cares, he will be half way through that bottle of gin by 10am anyway and fast asleep by lunchtime.

It could be worse, dear Melted Felt readers, after all the head of official looking documents is still doing a fantastic job of spewing red-herrings in semi legal language. Oh, and Mrs Fields from the admin department is always spot on with her bookings in those fancy London hotels for 'hearings', with details taken care of right down to the last biscuit.

Of course, of all the licensing bodies that oversee poker sites, it is only Alderney who fell asleep at the wheel... all of the others are totally legit and 100% diligent, meaning your cash is completely safe, right?

Right?

.... Right?

MF

Thursday, 20 October 2011

William Hill Staff Walk Out In Support Of Bots

If there is one thing we can be sure of, dear Melted Felt readers, it is that a future run by Skynet will involve working on the Sabbath. What we are less certain about is the passion and the vigor of staff at strangely named gaming outfit William Hill, who have apparently walked out of their Tel Aviv office in support of sacked poker bots.

After the poker bot scandal broke, turned into a game of Chinese-whispers and quickly spread as 'proven' on the interwebnetz, the bots knew something was up.

Things quickly deteriorated when HR put the entire bot team (including middle management) on notice that their contracts were being reviewed in accordance with the pre-1967 borders and that only those bots who had completed military service would be considered for the next round.

Smoldering resentment turned into a declaration of war on Iran, no, erm, sorry – I meant outright annoyance – as management at this iPoker site's software provider PlayTech refused to follow every other damn poker site on the planet and introduce synchronized breaks. When they were told that the ECOOP was no longer running that was the final straw... the bots walked out.

Not to be deprived of an afternoon off, the human staff have now walked out in support.

A funny thing then happened – senior management noticed that KPIs for customer service actually went up without their pork-dodging human support staff... meetings were held, powerpoint presentations created and consultants consulted – and the options were laid out for all to see.

Would it be a move to the UK, or Gibraltar? Would the department be outsourced to India? Would there be one of those training camps where staff have to fall backwards into each other to foster teamwork and team spirit?

No.

The only sensible option was taken.

Striking human staff were laid off with immediate effect – and the out of work poker-bots were retrained to focus on customer service. A win-win if we ever heard one.

What is it with that poker site name though?

MF

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Poker Hall Of Fame Preview

Fear strikes deep into the hearts of Melted Felt readers at this time of the year. The nerves fray with the worry that if Tom McEnvoy is denied a place just one more time – he may be pissed enough to actually carry out his threat of writing another of those awful books…

We just feel that an award should be tailored, you know – to the individual – rather than just being ‘for being good at poker’. Instead of just a couple of people going forward, each nominee should have their own accolade. Once this is done there will be less disappointment for those who do not make the cut – and room for Melted Felt to suggest one very important candidate that the poker world seems to have completely forgotten.

List Of Nominees With Their Melted Felt Awards

1) Annie (oh Annie) Duke: Annie gets to take home the prestigious ‘Rats Leaving A Sinking Ship’ award, this is in recognition of her using mystic superpowers to not only leave UB before they failed, but have so little of the sh1t sticking to her personally…

2) John Juanda: “Completely Untiltable award, 2011”


3) Jennifer Harman: With 2 WSOP bracelets, this lady is considered the best poker playing woman around. Since the best men have between 9 and 11 bracelets (lets call it 10) we can happily award Jen the ‘Thanks for the statistical proof that women are only 20% as good at poker as men” award.

4) Linda Johnson: Won a ’97 Bracelet in a side event, and is very good at writing and charity-stuff… we are so baffled by this nomination that the only plausible explanation would involve giving the “you can have whatever f ing award you like, as soon as we get the negatives” award.

5) Barry Greenstein: We are bored with the ‘Robin Hood of Poker’ line which has been quoted and requoted for years now, we think Bazza should get in for being cool enough to be a mate of Iveys, and for having an absolutely smashing beard.

6) Jack McLelland – Wife is friends with the judge’s wife award?

7) Marcel Luske: The ‘Only the Dutch could think turning your sunglasses upside-down is funny’ award and the ‘vauge attempt to have one overseas player to try and pretend that this HOF is more than just Americans patting each other on the back’ awards are neck and neck in our minds, oh do on then, have both, for sure, for sure!

8) Huck Seed: The ‘Let me in and I’ll split the millions from all the prop bets on me never making it award’.

9) Scotty Nygen: ‘What? You mean he is not in there already? This is one fvcked up hall of fame, baby’ award.., seriously baffled that some of the other names could even be considered while Scotty sits on the sidelines.

10) Tom McEnvoy – “Let me in this year, or I’ll carry out my threat to write another of those goddam awful books’ award

So, there you have it – the nominees.

If we may be so bold though, there is one important person who should walk all over this field and be admitted immediately. Barak Obama of course… Sure, he killed off online poker as you knew it on his watch and has done nothing to encourage any legislation which might bring it back soon...

You are not thinking straight here, dear Melted Felt readers, if Obama can get the Nobel Peace prize while engaged in multiple wars and killing his own citizens abroad with remote controlled drones – then surely he can get into the poker hall of fame by destroying the online game??

MF

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Bots: We Would Never Touch iPoker, Its Not Cool Enough.

As the latest scandal breaks, regurgitated by crappy poker news sites around the world as a slightly refreshing break from bland bonus code themed items, we take a look from the other side – dear Melted Felt readers.

With the latest improvements in AI able to mimic emotions in computer programs, we have a situation where many perfectly respectable poker bots have been left feeling publicly humiliated. Yes the association with the crappy iPoker software and bland game selection has left many bots unable to sit at the tables elsewhere for fear of being mocked by their human counterparts.


First up though, the story itself, what looked like a somewhat confused Customer Service rep commenting on a user id which was so fvcking obviously one of the 10,000+ humans who think it is really funny to use some variation of ‘bot’ in their name started the whole thing… in German.


Hordes of 2+2ers then jumped on the chance to raise their oh-so-precious post counts by typing genuinely shocked one liners – and before you new it the ‘scandal’ found its was into the 3rd rate poker news that clogs up the tubes of the interweb on a daily basis. Not wanting to miss a trick, some other poker sites (eh Mr Ayre?) jumped in… hoping that the floods of players leaving William Hill and iPoker would land at their sites instead.


Not only was the only ‘proof’ a seemingly mixed up CS rep quoting the Casino Terms and conditions, the ‘bot’ itself turned out to be multi-talented, having played many different forms of poker and won a few tournaments too!


Still, Chinese whispers are Chinese whispers, the genie is out of the bottle and, erm, something or other to do with stable doors, plagues and clich├ęs.


Now the bots are after an apology.


I can see their point too… you think bots are just algorithms these days? NO! they have feelings too and no self respecting bot would have been playing on William Hill for a single day after clearing their sign-up bonus. All the cool bots are playing at Pokerstars with the other bots and pro-grinder humans, after all – their pre-programmed logic was based on a set of assumptions from those very 2+2ers who started the thread – that being seen to be cool in the eyes of poker peers you will never know is more important than playing in soft games and actually winning money... and it is now programmed in.


Donations to losing bots anonymous can be transferred to player: bot18825624 on William Hill Poker.


MF

Monday, 3 October 2011

Pokersite Cons - 10 Gripes And No Adverts

It seems to me, dear Melted Felt readers, that every website and it’s dog are happy to waffle on about just how great every single poker site is… It is hollow of course, jaded readers know full well they want you to sign up so they can collect a percentage of your pitifully low rake as you bust one $50 buy-in after another.

Even when a site is ‘honest’ enough to bring you the cons of a site, this is usually like the interview question where they ask you about a weakness. “Oh, I’m just too damn hardworking curse me, I just can’t help being a perfectionist”…

Anyway, I play on enough poker sites to know a few real cons when I see them… so without further pointless waffle – here is my cheerful Monday morning list of 10 poker site gripes.

#1 – Party Poker: When I get sucked out on my the 100th donkey of the session and close the tournament table in disgust, the last thing I want to see is a pop up message saying ‘are you sure you want to leave? You are playing a hand….”. No Party, the hand is over, I busted – now let me go and sulk without adding insult to fvcking my injury.

#2 – Pokerstars: Oh there are only 500 people in this tournament, I’ll join should be over by midnight… late reg follows, 2000 more join and at 3am you min cash, at 4am you have added $3 more to your min cash and at 5am you bust for double your buy-in… now looking forward to my 7am alarm like a hole in the head.

#3 – Titan / iPoker: No synchronized breaks – why? Every other damn site online breaks at 5 to the hour… why do I have to give up that precious time when I interact with the rest of the world to keep playing at Titan? (Actually I don’t, there are enough tournaments elsewhere not to have to bother without a very good reason, you listening Titan?).

#4 – Carbon / Merge: No, those animated headbanging panda cartoon things are not funny, especially when they distract me from the near-impossible task of finding the lobbies of tournaments I'm playing in.

#5 – Party Poker 2: What the fvck is your slider all about, eh? 2x or 4x or just up and down and up and down until it is a choice of 4x or timing out, grrrr.

#6 – Pokerstars 2: When I want to find a tournament to play in, could I please not have to scroll through 300 hyper turbo Sunday Million satellites each with 1 Swedish player waiting in it, please?

#7 – Party Poker 3: Sometimes my computer likes to load applications, download stuff and all that – well – computery sort of stuff. This does not mean I lack enough memory for your crappy card animations, far from it. Please stop switching them off 5 times per session, please.

#8 – OnGame / Red Kings: Now, what the f is up with those 5 handed SNGs, I mean, really? You fixed it for cash games, so the thing stopping you making the SNGs 6-handed is what exactly??

#9 – Pacific / 888.com: Nope, I am not going to sit wearing red / green glasses playing poker – nobody is - you are just being silly.

#10 Titan / iPoker: Your tables are pretty plain, with fairly average graphics, not too many functions or scripts which should slow things down… so why oh why do they take 2 minutes to load? Why do I have to click ok on 3 different pop up messages while it does so,? And (for crying out loud) if you are going to fold my hands when I move table because your crappy PlayDoh software can not change fast enough – at least have the courtesy to not move me from the Big Blind on one table straight into the Big Blind on the next.

Got any gripes about online poker sites?

Good for you, keep them to yourself now won’t you – nobody likes a whiner.

M (whiner) F

 
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