Monday, 3 December 2012

New Poker Tracking System Unveils The Assholes At Your Table

While poker players intuitively know that they are playing against a bunch of assholes, statistical proof was – until now – hard to come by. All this has changed today, dear Melted Felt readers, with the unveiling of a new tracking system called Poker Asshole Ratings (PAR for short).

This software creates an overlay statistics display for online poker games, breaking down the characteristics of your opponents and enabling you to instantly identify the complete assholes at your table from the, erm, normal assholes.

All the major sites have approved this tool for use, and with a configurable display you will be able to optimize for the habits which drive you nuts.

Here is a selection of the criteria which PAR will highlight, including some made up acronyms, which should help to make you dull grinders feel superior to those who have not learned what they mean, huh?

The standard asshole rating will look like this 4 / 43% / 0.7 / Y / 4.5 and is comprised of the following information:

- VPITY (Voluntarily Put In ‘Thankyou’). This is a cumulative score of THE biggest asshole behavior of them all – the unsolicited thank you. Each time a player types TY into the chat box without anyone complimenting their hand our sophisticaled AA (asshole algorithm) will add a point to their score, doubling it after a suck out. All German players start with a max score of 10 (reduced after 10k hands as required), since everyone knows they will display this gutter-life behavior at every single f-ing opportunity – and probably have no idea how sad it makes them look.

- Cunt Time (CT%): This stat is displayed as a percentage, since we can never be completely sure that this asshole behavior is occurring on any single occasion, but can be sure enough over many hands. Cunt-time happens when a player raises, sees a 3 bet, a 4-bet and possibly even a cold call of that 4-bet – and still feels the need to go into his time-bank for a period of chin-stroking before folding. Since we know that the % of hands which are genuine tough decisions in this spot is tiny, the vast majority of the time the player is simply being an annoying little cunt by keeping everyone else waiting… repeat performers get a high CT% - we know who you are…

- Whining About Bad Beats: WABB score is on a log scale, with certain types of whining orders of magnitude worse than others. Every point on our scale doubles the asshole-factor, with complaining about bad cards at the bottom and complaining when an opponent made a call you absolutely wanted them to make and hitting their hand closer to the top end – whining incessantly when losing a 40% / 60% gets the top WABB score, and a tissue.

- Rigtard Total: This is for those players who believe that the weight of their $5 bet affected the weekend football scores, that their choices of activity affect the weather for millions of others, and that the poker games use sophisticated software to prevent them (and only them) from winning. The Higher RT scores are given to players who bet big when bluffing, slowplay horribly with aces and still cant figure out that the reason they lose is that they are actually shit at poker. Extra points are awarded to those sad fuckers who hang about whining in the chat box after they have busted, euuuch.

- General Twat Score: This is a single figure which sums up the overall asshole-factor of any player – allowing for quick comparisons. Additional factors, including uploading an avatar of a top model (I just know that many of these players think that others actually believe these to be them) or football mascots (especially for other countries). Creating names such as FEAR-AVENGER-X gets a couple more points (you twats!) and anyone showing just how much they know about poker strategy with names like 5betfold or ICMking get max extra points for putting their ego above profits.

We look forward to collecting as much information as possible, and will be creating a leaderboard of the top assholes by poker site for publication in the new year. Come on, you know I’m talking about you, yes, you – asshole.


Monday, 27 August 2012

Quick Fire Tuesday Poker News Roundup

What do you mean lack of posts? I’m posting once a month whether I feel like it or not.

Anyway, it’s Tuesday and time for an extensive roundup of the latest poker news. This week we have a drunk judge in the US, the iPoker Network creating fish-only tables and the fact that you are not going to win any events in the WCOOP, you loser.

Skill? Who You Kidding!

Federal Judge Jack Weinstein shocked the poker world last week by ruling that poker is a game of skill. Weinstein, who obviously has not been playing in any of the same games I have, said  that skill ‘predominates’. At the same time he ruled that the moon was made of green cheese, the dinosaurs went extinct in a giant game of reptilian Russian-roulette and that the price of houses could only ever go up.

At the same time Jon Pappas of the Poker Players Alliance has the audacity to use the ensuing press as to claim some kind of victory… Which reminds me, I had the idea of doing a post including a mailable refund form for donations given to that bunch of worthless clowns…

iPoker Network Going Fish Only

With the split of the iPoker network happening on the 1st September, players on this network will have to sign a disclaimer form clearly stating that they are Shit at Poker before being allowed to play.

Over the past couple of months, the individual sites have been closely monitored, and those network members with good players are being told to fvck right off… Leaving only the really dumb fish and pathetic loose-passive losers to play on the new ‘iPoker2’ tables.

My understanding is that the new marketing campaign for the fishy part of the network will be:

‘iPoker, Where Retards Donate Rake By Swapping Suckouts’ ™

So, you wanna play there?

Pokerstars WCOOP

Yep, the World Championship of shattered dreams is here again, where other people will win HUGE amounts of money in the feature poker tournaments while you min-cash a couple of them.

I know, I know, it’s very exciting at the moment, with satellites running and a nice chunk of your bankroll set aside to ‘take a shot’. Lets face it together though, eh? You know you are a fvcking loser, and I know you’re a fvcking loser… you are going to have a good start in one or two events, suffer a bad beat, fail to make moves at the right time, play your hand to obviously and get stolen from, then you’ll be down to 8 big blinds, have to shove, get called by a hand that is only 42% to win against you… and *boom* he’ll get there on the river.

Just get a job, some people are cut out for the glamour of being a poker pro… you, no, your just going to lose your bankroll.

Oh, and best of luck to everyone else!


Damn, forgot I was supposed to post this tomorrow.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Full Tilt Repayments To Include Tax, Socialization

It has been a long wait, dear Melted Felt readers, and at times it looked like those Full Tilt Poker bankrolls were lost forever… After black Friday and the shutdowns that followed, US players who had knowingly defrauded Full Tilt with dodgy eCheck deposits were at a low ebb, wishing they had pursed more respectable careers like crack-dealing or becoming patent-trolls.

Now the sun shines, the money deposited via eCheck and never collected is now owed to the Feds – and everyday players are wondering what the process will be to get their balances back.

We have the provisional process and have outlined this below. For all the 17 year olds ‘bigging it up’ by claiming they were former high rollers with tens of thousands locked up, whining 2+2 posts are not actually proof that you are owed the money…

Now, the fun aspect of the initial claims process is that records of several years play will be available to the DOJ, and the tax department. Of course, the 80% of losing players have nothing much to worry about here – however if you were one of the large numbers of people who used to play poker online ‘professionally’ and *ahem*  ‘forgot’ to pay taxes, well, the proverbial rubber glove is going to be rootling around your tax-dodging little asshole with no lube very soon indeed… and you know what is even funnier? If you don’t claim back your $$$ then your info will still be available… Ever send proof of Id for a cashout? Oh yes, it is only a matter of time before that knock on the door, only a matter of time before that court summons… only a matter of time before you hear the clunk of the lock in the cell door... only a matter of time before you become the 'girlfriend' of some psycho....

I mean, what were you thinking? Everyone knows that tax dodging is for the super-rich only - Right?


It seems that the DOJ have become concerned about the poker playing public while negotiations were taking place – and have made return of money dependent on a ‘resolialization’ program.

This is designed to get former grinders familiar with common situations outside of their darkened spare rooms or moms basements. It is hoped that by spending a week of role play, group therapy and listening to talks from people who actually provide productive services to society that grinders will belatedly get onto a path that could see them get by in normal life.

Expectations are low at this point, with a spokesman telling us that just a few percent of former players were expected to make it to the point of being able to have a normal adult conversation… Doing nothing was simply not an option for these college dropouts destined for years of dull manual labor once their prison sentences for tax evasion or shafting the Feds with eChecks that would never be cashed.

Ah, great to have some good poker news for a change, probably


Wednesday, 18 July 2012

World Series Final Table Hailed As Blandest Ever

Poker journalists around the globe were sent scurrying to their ‘Bumper Book Of Tired Clich├ęs’ yesterday, as the blandest ever World Series of poker final table was formed.

8 Americans make up the ‘October 9’ with the foreign body being a previous WPT winner from Hungary. A thorough investigation revealed that the 9 players have only managed to chalk up 3.5 interesting life experiences between the lot of them. While their parents go on record as saying that they always knew that their son would break through, and the parents of the 2-million+ other dropouts who will never ever make it pour themselves a large gin and tonic… we run through the 9 dull-as-fvck poker pros who look set to show the world just how tedious poker really is this coming October:

Jesse Sylvia – 44m Chips – Poker pro who has not really won much, reminds people of that restless half-hour before calling mom on a Sunday evening.

Andras Koroknai – 29m Chips – Poker pro from Hungary. While this country can be found on a map, most people who try get distracted while trying it, forget what they were supposed to be doing, and wander off to make a cup of coffee instead.

Greg Merson – 28m Chips – Poker pro, already won a 6-max bracelet, about as personally interesting as watching a coat of light-grey paint slowly dry.

Russell Thomas – 25m Chips – Sensationally breaks the monotony by not being a poker pro! Instead this final tablist is an, an, an… Accountant, well that makes things much more exciting then…

Steven Gee – 17m Chips – Another poker pro and another previous bracelet winner. Steven has the distinction of being completely dull before many of the other 9 were even born.

Michael Esposito – 16m Chips – Poker Pro with a lot of previous tournament experience, right, I’ll table a break from writing this post and go and watch my lawn grow…

Robert Salaburu – 15m Chips – Poker pro from Texas with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics, none, whatsoever, nada, zip, zlich – he will probably win it.

Jacob Balsiger – 13m Chips – Young poker pro, the type of guy who reminds you that you are sat with your mouth wide open blankly watching the adverts, even though the remote control is in easy reach.

Jeremy Ausmus – 10m Chips – You guessed it, another poker pro… Do you find that the kettle boils much slower when you are watching it?

So, make a note in your calendars… this October will see a compelling reason to switch channels every 10 minutes or so from those re-runs of the Waltons, well, unless it is a particularly compelling episode.


Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Full Tilt News: Bitar Confident In Soap Handling Skills

Full Tilt Poker news comes in manic, intense bursts – copied by progressively more bland poker news sites, and commented on by endless people whose only real ‘rep’ comes from others just as utterly pointless as they are…

After more than a month of waiting, some progress seems to have occurred in the sale of Full Tilt to Pokerstars. With the shocking announcement that FTP CEO Ray Bitar may be risking a test of his soap-holding skills – by surrendering to the Feds in New York.

According to wholly unreliable sources, Bitar has been undergoing extensive training in specially built shower blocks in the basement of the FTP Isle of Man HQ. This training regime involved not dropping the soap in many high-stress situations, moving around with his back to the walls (while keeping those sphicter muscles tight) – and washing thoroughly without accidentally splashing the wrong guy... It has been suggested that Howard Lederer enthusiastically volunteered to get involved in this training regime - though it is not know exactly what *ahem* role he took.

We immediately sent the Melted Felt mole to Rikers Island, to get the scoop on expectations of the current residents… Maurice, 15 years into a life term for homicide, rape and assorted brutality against fluffy woodland creatures smacked his lips in anticipation at the prospect of the new arrival. Immediately professing his love for the chunky former CEO and offering a full ‘protection’, on the grounds that Ray would be new ‘girlfriend’ for the duration of any stay. Joe, in for arson and armed robbery quikly warned that Maurice's girlfriends usually meet with fatal accidents... though we found out later that Joe was a known liar, who had unfortunately tripped and fallen 6 floors to his death.

We also understood that Bitar himself would be planning a prison poker syndicate, and has promised to keep the cigarette 'buy-ins' of the inmates completely separate from the running costs of the card games, probably.

Letter To Staff

Adding fuel to the raging fires of speculation was an internal e-mail sent by Bitar to the Full Tilt staff. This mail indicated that Pokerstars would be taking over payments for July, which could be taken to mean that the deal is very close.

The mail did not specify whether payment would be made in T$ or W$ at this point, though apparently those who signed the transfer documents with no fuss would be given a branded lightweight Pokerstars optical USB mouse as a reward.

Could This Be It?

Of course it could all die down again, as things have a few times before.

If you would like to support Ray in his chivalrous sacrificial move, then I am sure a little KY would be gratefully received…


Thursday, 21 June 2012

Shock As G20 To Bail Out Spain With T$

Nothing’s shocking to us at Melted Felt HQ any more, especially in love, poker and politics. It is the latter that we turn to today, with the G20 meeting of America and 19 insignificant little countries who like getting told what to do draws to a close in Mexico.

You see, the Spanish have been borrowing too much money for years, mostly from Germany. They have spent most of it on German cars, and houses – which as everyone knows only ever go up in price right up until the day they don’t. With insolvent banks, corrupt regions and massive unemployment their economy is simply not generating enough tax receipts to pay their debts… and their banks, well, they would be royally fvcked if it were not for the fact that housing loans which will never be paid back are marked as ‘a-ok!’ on their balance sheets.

Germany don’t want to bail them out, though would like to see them able to buy BMWs again soon. France would love to bail them out with German money, at the same time as royally fvcking their own economy by bringing in draconian socialist rules to chase away the few remaining profitable business… and the rest of Europe does not really count, since they have no money anyway.

With Obama pushing hard to see a bailout of Spain (and Italy too) in place. A compromise was sought… involving the use of Pokerstars tournament dollars.

Tournament dollars (known as T$) are good for entry into any scheduled tournament or sit and go – and can be exchanged for cash at 5% fee with all manner of online websites.

There are thought to be several advantages of passing $600,000,000,000 tournament dollars to the Spanish government – with the main one the fact that no approval is required from the Bundesbank, and, well, even JP Morgan do not have derivative contracts shorting them at the same time advising their more gullible clients to ‘buy buy buy’ (yet).

With this many tournament dollars the youth unemployment of 217% can be quickly solved by turning the ex-builders into Sit N Go grinders. While cashouts of the T$ will be somewhat restricted by the Spanish governments $1000 per day limit, it is hoped that this vital supply of real cash will start making its way to their treasury just as soon as they send 2 forms of Id, one with a picture, along with a bank statement or utility bill.

Sklansky dollars were apparently given serious consideration, however this was dropped after it turned out that the entire Greek economy has been using these for years - and, well, it did not work out too well for them.

We asked Pokerstars to comment on the terms of the T$ bailout. Unfortunately, even a year later, our contact was still too busy p1ssing himself laughing about Full Tilt’s demise to put together any meaningful reply.


Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Hellmuth Bluffs His Way To 7-Card Stud Glory

Here at Melted Felt HQ we already had a lot of respect for Phil Hellmuth. I mean, how many other poker pros could get so much cash from corrupt poker site Ultimate Bet, then get away squeaky clean and smelling of oh-so-beautifully scented roses?

Oh yeah,  a little *grudging* respect for accumulating 12 World Series Of Poker bracelets too.

In fact, it is number 12 which we wanted to focus on today… 7 card stud is a tough game with many hardened pros having 60 years of experience already – and, well, Phil took baby cards after baby card and bluffed them out of every damn pot.

Apparently it all started with a pair of aces in the hole and a two showing. Phil decided to raise and got a couple of callers looking like they had small split pairs. No messing about when brick baby cards fell on 4th and 5th, Phil just kept on firing, one of his opponents paired 6th and Hellmuth caught the 3rd ace – he fired, hoping for a re-raise, and *boom* his opponent laid it down.

Confused as to why someone who looked like they improved while his board looked like a bust would fold, Phil checked out the fortitude of a couple of the other players around. When they too sighed and folded to his board showing baby cards, Phil decided that the $5k 7-card stud event was full of the weakest players ever put on the earth.

He continued bluffing them, some confusion at one showdown, where it did look like his opponent had trips to beat his small 2-pair… must have been an unseen straight or something, right?

As they got down to the final few tables, the guy who was labeled as the player who could not diversify out of Holdem was on a roll. At one point he was literally raising every time he had a baby card – representing trips in the hole. At one point Phil did comment that he had not actually been informed about the rule change which meant that the highest card, and not the lowest had to bring in… but everyone seemed cool with it, so he simply put it down to not keeping up with the latest trends in poker in general due to focus on his business interests.

Along came the money bubble and Phil decided that, while his table continued to play this weak, he would bluff every single time he had small cards on board.  Just before the final table he made a masterful lay-down after pairing his King door card and facing a 4-bet re-raise, the guy must have had an open ended straight and flush combo with those small cards – meaning he was not a favorite by 7th street.

Even the final table seemed to be full of the weakest 7 card stud players ever, with kings and queens mucked on 3rd street even with nothing higher behind. With the bracelet approaching and the $180k prize money not such a big deal – Hellmuth saw no need to switch from his beautifully executed plan and bluffed his way to a historic 12th bracelet.

We would like to offer our respect, and to note that critics all over the world have been well and truly silenced.

Now, who is going to tell him that the game was Razz?


Sunday, 3 June 2012

Queen Elizabeth Celebrates Jubilee With A Bit Of Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo

As millions of vaguely anti-monarchy Britons stumble over the simple come-back that 'surely she is preferable to come corporate sponsored president...?' The rest of Britain and some odd bits of the commonwealth celebrate 60 years of Her Majesties reign.

I though this ‘istoric’ occasion as suitable to reveal a little secret about Queen Liz which the royal household has been sworn to secrecy over – that she is rather partial to a bit of mid-stakes Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo when not, erm, opening things or attending banquets.

None other than the Melted Felt mole got the insider interview with the regal great gran herself.

“My Husband and I,” she began in traditional fashion, “do enjoy an evening of $2 / $4 PLO8 after an exausting day of reigning over people”. Continuing, “Ones favorite hands are those in which an unfortunate subject gets themselves quartered, winning half of the low while one takes the high side of the pot”, smiling over her reading glasses, HRH went on, “Phillip and I enjoy shouting ‘Hung, Drawn and.... Quartered!’ on these occasions – such a shame that those commoners in one’s parliament made it illegal in real life”.

“One plays on William Hill Poker, which is the only online poker site named after one of the royal family”, The Queen Continued, “Besides, the iPoker Network is full of donks, we generally play only one table", She laughs "after all, as one of the World's richest people, one hardly needs an under-the-counter rakeback deal, does one now?"

The Mole asked about any particularly notable hands or poker incidents the Royals have been involved in:

“Well, one did have to ban ones husband (Prince Phillip) from the 2+2 forums when he started a thread calling for commonwealth-only tables to avoid those ‘unwashed Eastern European fellows’ contaminating his tables” Lizzy went on, “that got him an infraction, and while Phillip is a big fan of his name-sake Phil Ivey, commenting that he is ‘Dashed fine player for a dark chap’ was enough to get his account completely revoked”.

We asked whether any other members of the Royal family were into poker?

“One is not sure whether one could count Sarah Ferguson’s attempts to be a freeroll whore?” started the Queen, “though apparently Zara Phillips quite enjoys Party Bingo” She paused for a moment,”Ah, or course, one nearly forgot, Prince Harry plays regular live poker games with his weekly Ginger support group...”

At this point the Queen had to leave to prepare for the big party for her 60th year on the throne. We could not get her to divulge her screen name, or ascertain whether giving her a bad-beat accounted to actual treason (which still carries the death penalty in England).

All we do is wish Her Majesty all the best for the next 60 years on the throne, no, wait a moment….


Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Poker Dating Site To Launch

After becoming increasingly concerned that many of their most valued player’s only contact with the opposite sex was through tube sites – a group of leading poker sites today announced their plans for a dating site aimed specifically at nerdy multi-tablers.

This new site will try and coax the individuals from the darkened basements, by promising contact with real life women – with tits and everything.

Obviously some of the usual elements of success in socializing and dating will need to be replaced for this new site. With post count at 2+2 considered more important than good looks, BB/100 being as good as any measure with which to replace physical fitness and progress towards supernova elite negating any issues with personal odors.

Beta Testing Phase

Beta testing revealed that communication was still an issue, especially in the early stages of setting up a dating encounter. After some experimenting it was found that 12 tabling the chat interactions and using time-banks for the difficult questions like ‘where would you like to go on a date?’ and 'so what do you do when not playing poker?' made the service more realistic for the guys involved.

At one point the whole beta had to be stopped, while the terms and conditions were changed to ban the continual use of the word ‘retard’, which was upsetting the ladies. The bigger problem was that  (unlike on the forums) the trial participants did not figure that they would eventually have to turn up in person at some point – with many of the early participants saying they would not have made those death threats or playboy boasts if they actually knew that the person would eventually find out they were a pale and bony 5’2” nerd with social interaction issues.

Some of the first dates ended up in a little confusion, when Tracy, a bubbly blonde from Vancouver, found out the hard way that the $2 million ‘Balla’ Jeff claimed to be earning each year was only expected winnings. For him to make that much would have required that his raises were actually respected enough that he could move up levels to where there were less fvcking donkeys… though he did have a graph to prove it. It is not that Tracy was purely a material girl you understand, it just that there is a big gap between the Bentley she was expecting and being dropped off by Mom when he eventually showed up…

Another date, between Kevin, a SNG grinder from the UK and Sharon, a slightly dizzy fat bird with a with tied back hair and a green shell-suit, had to be called off. Not only was Sharon confused as to why the constant stream of bad beat stories kept interrupting the chat about the latest Beyonce single – Kevin insisted on continually leaving the restaurant at 5 to the hour for his usual synchronized breaks.

The Future

Testing is now over for the new site, subscriptions can be won online in freerolls with $3 prize pools populated by 15,000 Eastern Europeans.

 Melted Felt believes that this new dating site could really help to get those grinders back into the gene pool – we look forward to the time when those real women (with tits and everything) are desperate and / or drugged up enough to go within 10 fvcking miles of it…


Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Bernard Tapie New Poker Site, The Inside Information

The deal between Full Tilt and GBT might have fallen through, but this may not be the end of Bernard Tapie’s involvement in the lucrative world of online poker. It seems after doing the math and realizing just how much money online poker sites make for doing close to bugger-all… Bernard Tapie Group are looking to launch their very own online poker network – White Flag Poker.

Named after the French tradition of running away as fast as possible shouting ‘oh la la’ if anyone points a gun in their general direction – then hurling insults and being inexplicably proud from a safe distance – this site will have many unique features which are sure to make it a success among online poker players.

First up, there will not be any fold button. After extensive research into the existing French sites, it was found this button has only ever been used 3 times - ever. Once was a misclick, with the unfortunate player falling asleep after a particularly good bottle of Merlot and hitting the wrong button with his beaky Gallic nose. The 2 remaining clicks came from a German, who signed up on the French poker sites for a thigh-slappingly good joke, ja!

Next the VIP club aspect of this site will be completely transformed from anything seen so far. Players will collect garlic cloves, which will need to be continually replaced as they are virtually ‘munched’ at the tables. Once a player has enough cloves they will start to make their way through a series of levels, each with bigger and better benefits courtesy of the European Union grants office. Here is an outline of the scheme:

100 Cloves – Mild Indifference Level – French players can swagger around a little, play the occasional freeroll and exchange their cloves for  that subtle but very real feeling that, well, the French way is superior.

500 Cloves – Nonchalant Level – At this level a flick of the fringe, a curious look down the nose at everyone else and lips pursed in that ‘don’t you dare disturb me’ way are allowed, along with reload bonuses.

1000 Cloves – Irritable Level – Don’t you fvcking dare go near these garlic munching experts, their ruffled brow and wildly gesticulating hands can knock the liver clean out of a force-fed duck at 20 paces. Players entering this level get a free Beret emblazoned with the White Flag ‘Surrender Monkey’ logo.

10,000 Cloves – Truly Arrogant Level – The garlic-munching equivalent of a supernova elite, those players at the truly arrogant level will have the automatic right to strike whenever they (even slightly) disagree with anything while tutting impatiently at people from other nations who even attempt to speak to them in French.

Rumors are circulating that there are some big bonuses in store for when White Flag Poker launches in 2073, and that many innovative side-games involving blockading ports and cleaning hotel rooms while keeping away from DSK are in development.


Breaking: Damn, just about to post this one when I heard rumors that Pokerstars are to make a bid for them…

Friday, 27 April 2012

Quick-Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Friday comes around damn quick these days, there you are on a Monday morning… and *boom* the world of online poker turns completely on its head and leaves you sitting slightly dazes and in need of a beer at the end of the week.

2+2 Forums Hacked!

We have some insider info on the 2+2 hacking which has left thousands surrying to poker sites and e-mail accounts which use the same password. Apparently this was not a highly qualified hacker at all… just an average user who took advantage of the fact that everybody at 2+2 was far too busy slapping each other on the back, telling each other how awesome they were and generally getting their post counts higher. With everyone that distracted it was just a case of walking in and taking the passwords...

Stars To Buy Full Tilt?

Well, this one is already covered in this post detailing that Bitar’s Balls are an important part of the deal. I am now starting to wonder how long the happy delusion that Stars strengthening their quasi-monopolistic grip on the market is actually a good thing will last…

Annette_15 Obrestadt Signs To Lock Poker

Well, who would have thought that the poker prodigy who once won a big tournament then disappeared into obscurity would be back in the news? Joining a stable of pro players which includes a long list of names nobody has ever heard of including such HUGE names as David Zeitlin and Joe Brooks will undoubtedly raise her profile sky high. Doors  are apparently being widened at Lock HQ for health and safety reasons, in case Obrestadt and Eric Lynch need to pass each other without getting stuck…

And Finally…

Lederer and Annie Duke have apparently been talking about business with worthy news source Poker Fuse. Now, normally this kind of thing would have been an easy pick for a Melted Felt post… Sorry folks, I tried, its just that I could not bring myself to use the word ethics in the same sentence as. Annie Duke.


Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Pokerstars Demand Bitar’s Balls As Part Of FTP Deal

While Bernard Tapie goes and sulks with a nice bottle of gran cru, we bring you the shocking news that the only thing stopping the imminent acquisition of Full Tilt Poker by Pokerstars is the (small) matter of Bitar’s balls.

Yes, we can exclusively reveal that Melted Felt has also heard the rumors that the world’s biggest poker site are going to climb their proverbial step-ladded and sh1t on their rivals from a great height by buying FTP for $750 million in cash.

What you might not have heard is the sensitive discussions going on RIGHT NOW about the nut-sack of the former big boss at Full Tilt – Ray Bitar.

While $750 million might seem like a lot of money, the cherry on top of the deal would be to take Ray’s balls, have them preserved in white gold and then display them for the world to see in backlit glass case in the lobby of Pokerstars HQ on the Isle of Man.

Apparently, whether players get paid back depend on how strongly Mr Bitar feels about future games of pocket billiards. Insider sources are saying that the DoJ have already agreed to tax audit, erm, no, sorry, I mean’t pay back the US players for the sum of $330 million and Bitar’s RIGHT gonad. While players from that smelly, dangerous and insignificant country known as the ‘Rest of the world’ are hoping that Ray’s LEFT ball will free them from arduous play-through requirements…

While the rest of the poker press goes into respin and rewrite mode, desperately pretending to have actual ‘news’ – Melted Felt is pleased to announce that we have exclusive information on the future plans of the world’s biggest poker site… yes dear readers, not only are they trying to get the bollocks of their former biggest rival, Dipshit Anrag’s Kidney and Calvin Ayre’s nipples are now well within their sights…

Remember, you heard it here first.


Friday, 20 April 2012

Quick Fire Friday – Stu Ungar Hologram To Play 2012 WSOP And More!

Time for another edition of quick-fire Friday, the poker news roundup which tends to work for any day ending in ‘y’. I forgot about these kind of posts, oops. No need for an introductory paragraph really, it is just made up poker news after all – yeah yeah, been waiting for something genuinely interesting to happen for years, don’t hold your breath now…

First up, after the successful concert reincarnation of Tupak after 16 years of pushing up the daisies we are expecting the new-fangled technology to find its use in the World Series Of Poker real soon. Hotly tipped to be first on the tables is Stu Ungar, just as soon as they work out a way for a hologram to lift up the corners of the cards. We asked the holographic Stu whether he thought that he would be a match for the internet wiz-kids of today, to which he replied, ‘Inter-what?’

Next in this this hot news bulletin, some rebranding from Full Tilt has been spotted by eagle eyed obsessive-compulsives who take it in turns to press the refresh button 24 hours a day. It would see that Full Tilt are abandoning their old colors (you can remember them, right?) and going red and black instead, with an attractive red-spade logo. The old avatars are out and in their place will be small circles into which you can upload the photo or picture of your choice, with big red action buttons and a name which brings up thoughts of professional poker playing celebrities the lobby will feature a brand new name for Rush Poker, which will now be called ‘Z…. [Ed - hang on a moment here… you *sure* you did not click on Pokerstars by mistake?]

Pokerstars, ah yes, the internet poker giants from the Isle of man have just been entered into the Guiness book of records… for the longest continuous group laughing session, which started the day Full Tilt shut down. We expect the snickering to continue behind hands… will let you know.

Finally for this week the Melted Felt Quick Fire Friday Award for services to the reputation of online poker goes to… wait for it… a little longer… yeah I know this does not work in writing as you just skim… but pretend you are on the edge of your nerves waiting to find out – oh fvckit… Bet Online Poker. Not only does this companies right arm not know what their left leg is doing, but neither limb can tell their ass from their elbow.

What happened was they mailed all their players, many already nervous after a rash of *ahem* payment issues, and told them they were leaving their host network. Next the poker site was closed, then it was all ok again and nothing to worry about… thanks very much guys, it is people like you that the already bruised poker business really needs, not.

Until I think of something else to waffle on about.


Friday, 13 April 2012

US Poker Roundup, UB and The PPA

As we approach the anniversary of Black Friday, there is movement on several different fronts when it comes to US online poker players getting the money stolen by their own ‘department of so-called-justice back’. Not only are the PPA back doing what they do best (raising cash for more ‘lunches’), the Feds might have just helped Cereus members UB and AP in deciding just how hard they get to laugh at their former players from their Caribbean hide-aways.

First the PPA, who famously failed to do anything whatsoever apart from burn the cash donated to them in good faith by thousands of players, and, erm, release press releases asking for more cash – have released another press release asking for more cash.

In a carefully worded piece, John Pappas omitted to mention all the money burned so far on travel and very expensive restaurants – and requested that American Poker players ‘stand up and fight’ by sending him more cash for nice dinners and other *ahem* miscellaneous expenses.

We look forward to you claiming someone else’s victory when regulation finally arrives, John.

Next some shocking news – former players at AP and UB who had written off their bankroll as ‘robbed’ may get something back after all. It has been reported that there are in-depth discussions going on with none other than the people who froze the money in the first place (for the good of innocent Christians who might have been affected by the blight of limping premium hands of course).

We are expecting an announcement soon about just how hard Russ Hamiliton’s crew will be able to laugh at former players on this once busy Poker Network. Here are the different options we are expecting from their Caribbean hide-aways soon.

- A small snikker behind the hand, which stops as soon as you look up and scowl.
- A hearty chuckle, complete with after-laugh just when you think it has reached a natural end.
- A spit-blowing booming great belly-laugh complete with red faced cheek puffing and the need to mop the brow afterwards.

We will of course let those players who paid taxes on their previous winnings and may thus be able to claim AP / UB and FTP bankrolls back from the Feds in the near future. For those of you who can not claim back anyway, please choose one of the laughs above.

Finally, the state of Utah have forced out the remaining poker sites. This was done easily by adding Poker to the list of ‘anything which makes people happy’, which is automatically banned in this state. Some people were apparently happy to see online poker banned, which has meant legislators sitting for an extended session to see how they can successfully ban that too…


Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Poker Avatars Really Matter

An more personal post today. I have been making notes while playing at the tables about the effect of different poker avatars that players upload… and wanted to share some of the results with readers so that you can improve your own games.

Anyway, here is what happened. It was in a cash game and I had a hand that could beat a bluff, but not much else. My opponent (who loved to check-raise) had donk-bet the entire pot on a dry board, which was nice. The turn went check-check and, with even the least likely of draws missing on the river another big bet came my way.

I sat there paralyzed by my choice – my 3rd pair was good to catch bluffs, but there were many hands in his range that I would be paying off. Then again if he had a strong hand this guy would have checked the flop and expected me to continuation bet on a board this dry… I had all but decided that the majority of the time his had was weak here and was about to call…. When.



When, I noticed that his avatar was of a fanged monster with red eyes and MASSIVE pointed teeth.


All sorts of things started going through my mind. This was obviously not an inexperienced fish I was dealing with, it was a TOUGH guy, a real FIERCE player who was going to rip me apart with his value bets – drain my blood with his cunning betting lines and mix up his tells to such a huge extent that it would crush my very soul into oblivion.

It did not matter that his bets in this hand (or any of the 2476 previous ones in my database) made absolutely no sense. It was insignificant that the many tracking systems had this guy as a long term losing player at several cash game levels, in tournament and especially in SNGs.

All that mattered was that he had taken the time to find a scary monster, all that mattered was that he thought that those red eyes and big fangs represented the KIND OF GUY HE REALLY WAS – all that mattered was that he was POWERFUL, while I, with my fluffy cat pic, was weak.



I called, he had the same nothing as always… after all, if someone is dumb enough to think that their scary avatars made the slightest bit of fvcking difference – well, they deserve to have their money taken away from them, right?


PS: Next week I might just tell you the story of why I decided not to value bet a stunningly beautiful model from Finland... she was just tooo cute.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Full Tilt Poker Jobs Advert – The Truth

Job listing ads are only behind real estate agents and used car salesmen when it comes to the use of euphemisms, spin and – well – outright lies. As a candidate it is difficult to tell whether an amazing opportunity is for career progression - or whether you will be giving the company an opportunity to exploit your desperate need for money – while letting them crush your self-esteem, soul and if applicable your balls too…

This blog likes to think of itself as a public service as well as a satire blog which abruptly stopped being funny some time in 1Q 2010 – and so we sent the Melted Felt mole to look into the truth behind those Full Tilt customer service positions advertised at Irish Jobs websites. Using special x-ray glasses, combined with those ever-babbling head-voices... we came up with what those adverts were really saying:

Experienced Multilingual Customer Service Reps Required (Swahili)

Melted Felt is hiring and has an urgent need for experienced multilingual Customer Service representatives. With a pitiful salary which will hardly meet the rent in your flea-ridden hole somewhere in Dublin 96, and collaborative environment you will be offered plenty of opportunities to keep your mouth shut, your nose clean and to not (under any circumstances) let the bastards grind you down.

You will work closely with the Senior operations manager for multi-lingual support, particularly closely in his office, with the door locked and on your knees if you do not make your almost impossible targets. He is not fussy, so you should not think that just being male exempts you from *ahem* ‘appraisals’.

Responsibilities / Accountabilities

- A Key part of an expanding team of underpaid whipping boys
- Representing the company by being the first person to completely ignore support requests
- Guaranteeing that you will accept or decline requests to move to rakeback completely at random.
- Ability to ignore phone calls, e-mails and faxes as part of a team in a collaborative environment.
- Ability to meet targets, or to swallow if you miss them.
- Must show excellent attention to denying things which customers already have in writing and locking accounts for no good reason.
- Flexibility in working hours, including weekends, holidays, nights and whenever the fvck we tell you to work you worthless monkey.

Skills / Experience Required

- 2-3 Years flipping burgers, laboring or babysitting... ok then, 2 years of anything at all, nope? fvck it, a pulse will do.
- Excellent organizational skills including the ability to get on a bus every morning and turn up on time
- Experience in copy and pasting
- Ability to make IT, Finance and Operational staff feel superior to you at all times, keep those eyes down as you pass me, you CS low-life
- Excellent e-mail deleting skills, including complete failure to locate previous correspondence on a range of subjects
- Ability to grunt in a range of languages
- Knowledge of poker software clients including the correct operation of doomswitches a distinct advantage
- Your own set of kneepads

These roles are urgent, so please send in your CV as quickly as possible – start date was yesterday, so we already gave you a written warning and docked your pay, you scumbag.


Thursday, 29 March 2012

500th Post – Finally The Proof That You Have Been Waiting For...

(A Fanfare Sounds)

(A Special Effect, Erm, Scrolls)

(A Gasp Is Heard, Followed By A Muffled Giggle)

Yes, somehow Melted Felt managed 500 posts. We only got banned from Google 3 times, had less than 1306 abusive comments in total, I only managed to hear ‘you can’t write THAT’ 237 times and, well, apparently we made a few people chuckle – way back in the early days, when Melted Felt actually used to be funny...

I am very happy to be writing about scientific facts, rather than producing satire for my 500th post. This comes from a brand new study published in respected scientific journals by one Sjoerd Van Overtall from the University of Utrecht. Sjoerd has managed PROVE to a 5-sigma level of certainty not only that you ARE good but just a little unlucky, that is IS scientifically impossible to beat that many donks, but that – scientifically speaking – you SHOULD move up levels to where they respect your raises.

If you were sure that these things were true... yet never found the proof to back up your ideas - read on!

1 - Proof That You ARE Good But Unlucky After All!

Math, or more specifically the pure math branch which deals with the fundamental truths resulting from the most detailed building blocks of mathematical certainty – gave the clue to the first question.

If L=(x-n)/y-x2 then it follows that y must be equal to the root of n+x-x2 (shocking I know). Now, if we say that luck (y) was variable and skill (x) was fixed (but improving at a rate of c-cx3) then it follows that, over a sample size of ‘n’, luck has a proportionally greater effect the more skilled the player becomes.

This, ladies and gentlemen is CONCLUSIVE PROOF that you are good, just a little damn unlucky.

2 - Proof That You Simply Can Not Beat That Many Donks

Math alone was not enough to establish with scientific certainty that it was statistically impossible to beat that many donks… instead Sjored hired a slot at CERN during Star Trek (when all the scientitists took a 'tea break') and tested things in the Large Hadron Collider.

This involved firing a beam of Gluons through a static field of Strange Quarks (chosen for their tendency for random quantum choices – a bit like French poker players). By watching the tell-tale decay patterns of the particles they found that a ratio of 14 donks to every good player was enough to make it statistically impossible for the skilled guy to win. The Higgs boson was found during this experiment, only Sjoerd prefers poker – so shredded the print out proving it.

3 - Moving Up Levels To Gain Some Respect Works!

Pure numbers and sub-atomic particles were not enough to prove the final existential question for poker players – whether you should move up levels to where people respect your raises. So the team of Utrecht scientists used a large flock of sheep instead.

Choosing a sheep that was pretty much average in all respects (including ROI, VPIP and 2+2 post count) they took a table of big winning sheep (in terms of grass eaten and wool grown) and put the average sheep with them. After 3 screen-name changes, the sheep finally hit a hot patch, and was able to show his new poker tracker graph on the forums – at which point they put him back with the average sheep and noticed a significant increase in the amount of respect shown (in terms of blindly following without actually having a clue what was going on). Unfortunately the sheep in the study posted a Vlog which mentioned his new book – and was banned, then quickly forgotten.

Great to have proof.

Proof on all 3 sides.

Proof that you should be a winner, that you can not possibly stay at the micros and that moving up levels when you can not beat the one you are at is a sensible and normal course of action.


Now, if I change sites once more – nobody will know how big a loser I am… right?


Monday, 26 March 2012

iPoker Release Backwards Poker

With Zoom Poker making huge dents in the cash game takes of rival sites – the heat was on last week to come up with something fresh and exciting. We are pleased to report that the iPoker Network, through their best site Titan Poker, have done exactly that. This poker game is so fresh and so innovative that you will be amazed.

Backwards Poker – How It Works

Key to the amazing fresh gameplay of backwards poker is the fact that the river is dealt first. In fact all of the community cards are free to view on the table at the start of every hand. At this point in the game, the players have not yet been dealt any hole-cards – which means that the first betting round takes place with only the community cards to go on.

Next, each player gets dealt one hole card. Another betting round then takes place – a great opportunity to put the pressure on from later position, or for a small stack to try and steal the pot with a timely all in move.

The turn then gets removed, which triggers the next betting round.

After this the players are dealt one more hole card, a timed sequence of bets then takes place which players vie to get their chips into the middle before the 3 remaining community cards disappear one by one. To keep the excitement up during this part of play each player is restricted to 5 seconds – otherwise the hand gets checked down.

Backwards Poker – Can This Game Rival Zoom?

Of course, you would expect Titan Poker to be singing the praises of backwards poker, noting that this innovation will revolutionize the online game and bring floods of new players to their tables… at the same time as not being able to explain exactly how the winner gets determined. Only to say this is available in real money and free poker format.

What is important to us is whether this game can make a serious dent in the empire that is Pokerstars and their new toy Zoom Poker?

Well, at least with all of the skill taken out of the game we can ditch the pretense that you can beat the rake over the long-term. And hey, one or two of the more gullible readers might just head over to their favorite iPoker site and try this game out. Blackjack anyone?


Friday, 23 March 2012

New Proof Full Tilt Deal Imminent March 2012

We all know that the Full Tilt deal is imminent by now… after all, it was reported in one semi-reputable news site and then replicated (in slightly different words) by everyone else – so it MUST be true.

Well, since I offer a public service as well as a blog which used to be funny, it is time to add to the speculation, contribute to the hype and, erm, lay on some good old fashioned excitement. Yes, I can exclusively reveal that not one – but two – former Full Tilt avatars were spotted returning to the companies Isle Of Man HQ today.

The Panda arrived early in the morning to avoid the rush and was flanked by 2 heavily armed grizzly bears as he quickly padded his way into an unmarked side door. We tried to contact his agent, who confirmed that the Panda was no longer looking for a job and explained that the meeting was to do with a paternity suit filed by Ming-Ming, the star attraction at Bejing Zoo. Apparently the Panda himself is completely out of the Poker game and, anyway, can remember all 3 of his different facial expressions perfectly well.

Not sure about you, but I am just not buying this explanation… after some digging it turned out that Ming-Ming is an old college friend of Ray Bitar and that the Panda himself may have been brushing up his stills over at rival site Pokerstars.

Back in November we had snuck a goldfish with a special nano-technology left fin into the Full Tilt office to get a better idea of what the board were smoking.

Imagine our shock when our spy-goldfish actually became friends with the Full Tilt turtle avatar! We found out some very juicy snippets on that disconcerting grey lady who scared us all – just a little bit. We also found out that the turtle had been forced to resign and reapply for its own job, based on equal opportunities laws, and had almost lost out to a gay stingray.

It turns out that some intensive training was going on, not only to remind the turtle how to put its head back into its shell – but how to ensure that an ace came on the flop when the player using it had pocket kings with a special flipper movement.

If that is no proof then I have no idea what is.

Or something.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Key Differences Between Zoom Poker And Rush Poker

Not Checked Out Pokerstars Zoom Poker Yet? Then head on over to now!


Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Kony 2012, New Evidence Of Planned Atrocities

African politics and online poker are not particularly comfortable companions. After all, after Robert Mugabe was hired as head of security for the Cereus Network things went decidedly downhill. Still, I feel it is the duty of this blog, and the ever louder chattering head-voices it is forced to represent, to let the truth come out.

Readers, if you thought that Kony’s coercive strategy to get children into the Lord’s Resistance Army was sick – well, I am afraid you have not read anything yet. We have evidence of a training camp which is so shocking, so inhumane, so devoid of everything we hold dear that it will make grown adults weep. We have news so disturbing that no viral video will be needed to prompt action, no smoke and mirrors rhetoric about interference from ‘imperialists’ will cause politicians to hesitate and no wooly liberals will be able hide behind cries of ‘you misunderstand’ any longer.

Yes, unless Kony’s demands are met in full by the end of the month he is planning on a change in tactics so evil than it will quite literally FORCE action from the west.

Kony is about to reposition the Lord’s Resistance Army as online poker pros – yes dear readers, he is forming the ‘Lords Resistance Grinders’ right now, and they are about to be unleashed.

16 tabling SNGs from their secret base deep in the Ugandan jungle, the mass of grinders will start small, building a bankroll and frequent player points. By the time the slow acting governments of the West have time to react they will already be moving up to the $10 level, devastating recreational players and regulars alike with their huge numbers. As the first UN resolution gets passed they would be at the $20’s already, with enough points to order gadgets – as well as entering big buy-in weekend tournaments.

At this point it will be too late, the brightest and best of the Children will already be suggesting an assault on mid-stakes multi-table tournaments… and the sheer number of player points accumulated will be used to force the poker sites into listing AK47’s and Rocket Propelled Grenades.

Making this whole episode even more sickening is the cruel punishment regime being dished out to the Children who fail to meet their quota – or go on a downswing. Bing beaten to within an inch of their lives, tied to posts in the searing tropical sun and tormented by large poisonous insects will be the easy part. We have it on good authority that Kony also intends to post their hand histories in popular forums and have these losing players mocked by their peers.

Even as last minute peace talks are being organized, it looks as if an even more radical Congalese splinter group are forming to take toddlers and force them to play hyper turbos. Meanwhile Iran has insisted that its own army of 6-max cash game specialists are for civilian purposes only, and China have vetoed a UN bill to pull the plug, claiming that dog tastes quite nice, and – well – they own most of Africa after all.


Friday, 16 March 2012

Bitter Former US Poker Players Running Out Of Reasons Why The Full Tilt Deal Will ‘Definitely’ Fall Through

For those of us who miss the scruffy white dog, the turtle and the panda avatars – it has been a long year of online poker purgatory. Not only has our cash been locked up and our Rush addition frustrated, we have been denied a decent alternative to the behemoth of Pokerstars too.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to report that those bitter former US grinders who take precious minutes on a regular basis to poo-poo any optimism that Full Tilt might come back are going to have to admit defeat.

A deal with the Feds was 'never going to happen'… only it did.

The sums of money owed were just 'too huge to make this deal financially viable'… only they were not.

Legal exposure in the form of class action lawsuits was just 'too risky for a deal to be possible'… only they got solved.

Former Pros and Partners interest in the site could never be resolved and would 'cause the deal to fall through'… only a negotiated settlement was found.

Bitar said someone else was interested (in the software) which was 'concrete PROOF that the GBT deal was on the brink of collapse'… only, well, it was about to be signed.

Of course, the spite will not stop there. The next stop for those frustrated burger flippers who gave up a great college education for the ‘freedom’ of online grinding is to predict with a huge degree of certainty that Full Tilt will never regain anything like its former glory in terms of players...

Who will want to play at a site with such a terrible history? They will crow, safe behind their tear stained keyboards.

Well guys, you have been completely wrong all along… and I’m going to stick my head on the line here. Full Tilt will be back in the number 2 spot by the end of the year ahead of Party and Titan– whether you like it or not!


Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Pokerstars To Meet With 2+2ers To Discuss Making Poker A Little Bit Worse For People Who Actually Deposit

Sure there has been plenty of poker news around… but come on, it is hard work writing the world’s only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny, so I took a month off to travel, drink and generally be merry – something which grinders never seem to be able to do….

In a shocking revelation, Pokerstars will be having face-to-face meeting at their Isle of Man HQ with players who are determined to make online poker just that little bit more sh1t. It seems that greasy grinders who dedicate themselves to recreating the atmosphere of the school playground each day on the 2+2 forums are FURIOUS that poker only revolves around them 98% of the time – and are DEMANDING to be heard so that they can make online poker at least 1.6% more sh1t for everyone else.

We sent the Melted Felt Mole undercover on the forums to find out exactly what the demands ‘Pokerstars Steve’ would be receiving included:

- One of the biggest points of contention was that the time FISH hold on to their bankrolls is still way too high. The grinders are demanding that a new algorithm work out which new players still have any money in their account 48 hours after joining and publish their names directly to the forums.
- Slight losing 24 table grinders are unhappy about the distribution of player points which no longer enable them to SCRATCH a desperate living by nut peddling at the micros. Demands include some way to guarantee at least minimum wage in VPPs, for those who provide all that precious liquidity to the poker site which is almost drowning in liquidity.
- Players have been having FUN at the tables, which is obviously not acceptable since poker should be the sole domain of people who are angry with the world, terminally frustrated and want to prove their point if only they could work out what their point actually was.

Fortunately, the geeks will get a chance to be represented in April and a search is apparently underway to find the angriest player who (statistically speaking) represents the lowest proportion of the overall online poker population possible.

Many poker satire blogs would have stopped the story there, but not this one. Melted Felt might not have been funny since 2009 – however it does go that extra mile to squeeze the living nonsense out of anything even faintly resembling poker news.

So, we sent the Melted Felt mole deep inside Pokerstars HQ to get an idea of what the world’s biggest site might be wanting to explain to the grinder delegation.

While the Mole had to dodge the prevalent laughing fits still going on many months after the collapse of Full Tilt – we managed to find their cunning plan.

First, they would explain to the grinders that they are mummy’s best boys, that they are very important and handsome and very clever indeed… and that it was only those stoopid people who were jealous of their talents that ever said anything different, and that if anyone said anything bad they were probably on food stamps and had fleas and that you should come and tell mum right away and she would call their mum and give them a good talking to, want a cookie?

Next, while they felt like VERY GOOD BOYS the plan was to patiently explain the history of liquidity. This would involve Powerpoint presentations put together by highly paid ‘executives’ in suits which clearly show that it was all very nice while the sites were small and growing – but now everyone and his dog plays at Stars anyway, you grinders and more an irritation than anything worthwhile... with stats to prove it.

Finally a concession would be made which SOUNDED really good but had little effect in reality, something along the lines of adding a VPP or 2 for players who sat in dark rooms grinding at least 16 tables more than 12 hours a day.

The caring, sharing Pokerstars – job done.

Well, best log on to pokerstars and put my list of fish who still have money 48 hours after depositing to good use then…


Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Another Rehashed Full Tilt Poker Update

Since all the poker news websites that publish slightly worse copies of the poker news reported by a small handful of actual poker news websites, I thought it was about time to make even worse versions of their already bad versions, using sentences so long that you end up holding your breath while you get to the end – and bring you the latest non-news about everyone’s favorite dead poker site, Full Tilt Poker.


Ok, now you all breathed back in again, lets round things up.

Firstly a judge in Florida has thrown out one of the class action lawsuits filed by poker pros upset that they will have to explain to the DoJ why they paid no taxes before they get their money back. The reason given was that the money claimed by the defendants as being frozen actually added up to twelve times the GDP of the entire world. Whether this was down to the claims of one Darren Cooper, age 15 of Miami, that he had $300 trillion owed we are not quite sure, though his sharkscope graph does seem to be downward sloping…

Anyway – that – as they say – is not – all.

Jesus Ferguson has been pinpointed as an obstacle to the deal going through. Even though he managed to squeeze the Full Tilt lemon for something like $60 million of other people’s money – there is the small matter of $14 million he *ahem* leant to the FTP execs in an unsuccessful effort to keep the completely corrupt gravy train running a little bit longer after black Friday. If this is not paid back soon, he is allegedly threatening a blockade of the GBT deal in a way which will be very similar to the occupy wall-street thing, only involving line-dancing…

Finally we have some good news, as reputable sources suggested that the deal between Group Bernard Tapie and the Feds was sealed. While the return date of March 1st which the French investors had hoped for looks a little on the optimistic side, things are definitely moving forward. We are now wondering if the current economic troubles of in France (who rely on the manufacture and distribution of white flags for 93% of their GDP) could delay the move further.?

Anyway, I am sure Online Poker Best will do a far better job than me of telling you whats up when they do come back online!


Friday, 20 January 2012

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

I don’t know, these Melted Felt posts are like busses… you wait for fvcking ages for one to come along… then realize you own a car and don’t need to hang about with crappy poor people at bus stops after all...

Anyway, lots of poker news this week – so without further nonsense I’ll jump in.

Former UB Players To Sue Dead Horse

Here is an unexpected twist to the disaster that was Ultimate Bet… Burned by the superuser scandal and worried that the insolvency of UB might make it difficult to get their cash back, a group of poker pros have named a dead horse in a damages claim.

The horse, which has been dead for at least a week, is currently under police protection in a field near Ohio. We will of course bring you the response of said horse as soon as we hear anything.

Pokerstars CEO Moves To Where They Respect His Raises

Gabi Campos has announced he is to leave his post as CEO, prompting massive speculation about why. Suggestions have included that he decided it was just impossible to beat that many donks, or that his apparent new employers (DragonFish) would respect his 3-bets a little more often. When we approached his office for a comment they came back with, ‘lol, jokerstars’… while there is no word on a replacement just yet, we would like to suggest one Ray Bitar has experience in this kind of a role – and could well be looking for work soon, no?

Yatahay Network To Change Their Name

In an Ironic gesture of the week, the Yatahay poker network are to change their name to the ‘Winning Poker Network'. Now, we are not sure what they are winning… or intend to win… or is this something to do with confusing the audit trail for players at Doyle’s Room one little bit further? Anyway, since I am confused about this story I will try and track down either of this networks 2 players for a comment soon…

That’s all for this week, except to say that I’ll be willing to bet that you have already forgotten the name of this year’s PCA Main Event winner…


Wednesday, 18 January 2012

The Tale Of Sir Galfond And The Kindom Of High Stakes Online Poker Pros

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom far far away the once merry and joyful people were feeling glum. While they worked hard in the fields, their crops of ROI were smaller than ever, however they tilled the lands it just did not seem possible to get their BB/100 to grow any more.

At the same time the evil tyrant of Pokerstars, sitting in their huge and impregnable castle, kept changing their tax calculations. They ordered new rakes be used, which inevitably left less and less for these good, hard grinding people to feed their hungry families. The once happy people of the kingdom of mid to high stakes poker looked up at the black smoke and brooding storm clouds over the castle of their master, and started to wonder if they should have finished up those law degrees after all...

Then one day, just as the population of the grinder’s Kingdom were busy scraping their hard living from what was left of the barren tables – a white horse was spotted on the horizon, carrying a knight in the brightest ever shining armor [shined exclusively by ArmourGlow™)!

Everyone stopped and stared as the knight approached and the gallant Sir Galfond arrived to save the day. Phil had a plan to make the lands of the kingdom fertile and fruitful once again – if only he could get the people to agree to some *ahem* small changes to the way the land was tilled. He unsheathed his sword, and explained that its razor sharp blade would soon be put to very good use.

Joy quickly spread around the tables, future hourly rates were calculated on scrolls and parchments, and much merriment was shared between the people. Together they would storm the keep of the evil tyrant Pokerstars and make the games fairer and more profitable for everyone, well, when they say everyone they actually meant – everyone like them.

However, before their plans could be fully hatched, heads (literally) started to fly. First those people of the kingdom who sat out as soon as the fish lost their stack found their limbs hacked off and their intestines spilled by the gallant Sir Galfond. Next those players who refused to keep games going by playing known regulars were rounded up, and hung from the branches of the once fruitful trees.

Panic quickly spread throughout the land, with hordes of people making a dash over the hill for the tough but far away lands of ‘mid-stakes small site break-even rakeback pros’.

It was too late, swooping up from it’s hiding place behind a pile of unclaimed FPP store ‘Pokerstars Cookie Selections In A Basket’, a giant fire-breathing dragon swooped down and burned every single heads-up bumhunter to a blackened crisp. Seeing this the players who would sit out 3 hands before their button to avoid being priced into one more orbit gave up the ghost, throwing themselves into the wells – where they found patronizing MTT players who just happened to run good dishing out advice for their adoring forum fans…

Sir Galfond sheathed his mighty sword, ‘I have saved the day!’ he declared… before suddenly realizing there was in fact nobody left in the land of the high stakes online pros to address.

Startled by a loud clang, Phil turned to see the drawbridge of the evil Pokerstars keep come down, the smiling tyrant standing beckoning, winking his glowing red eyes and flashing a big roll of cash – ready to give Phil a heroes welcome back to the fold…

And all the investors and senior partners lived happily ever after.


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

It's OK, You Secret Is Safe With Me, Fish!

I know that being a complete fish has a certain, erm, stigma attached to it in poker circles. While all your peers are raking in the cash you are just the whipping boy for a succession of bad beats, suckouts and self-inflicted downswings.

Today I want you to stand proud, be happy in your own skin - say to the world once and for all 'I may be sh1t at poker, but hell, I'm almost average in many other activities'

Fortunately, there is a special tournament especially for rubbish players like you. 'The Fishmarket' is open to all non-US readers and you get to enter for free ($11 value) if you deposit before the 16th Feb 2012 at the soft-as-sh1te Red Kings Poker. What is great about this tournament is that it brings all the rubbish poker players together... with a $10k guaranteed prize pool at least one of you will end up temporarily suffering the delusion that you are 'quite good' for a couple of days.

Anyway, you can find out more about Red Kings in this long and boring review.... or just click the big red button below, claim your free $11 entry token and enjoy a few hours in the company of shit poker players from all over the world...


Melted Felt Blackout In Support Of SOAP

Just a short post today to let readers know that Melted Felt will be offline this Wednesday the 18th Jan between 12:00hrs and 13:00hrs as part of the worldwide internet campaign to protest against people who do not use SOAP.

I have very strong feelings on this issue and urge other bloggers and webmasters to follow suit. There is nothing worse that people who do not use SOAP, either correctly or at all, especially on public transport, int he office or the close quarters of a casino poker table.

Since I am not actually sure how to black out my blog, I would like to ask all readers visiting between the specified hours to put their hands over their eyes (and no fvcking peeking).


Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Confusion As Roll Enters High-Roller PCA Event

If I was going to choose one place to be a little bit more than confused, it would be the place where the tropical paradise of the Bahamas meets the blatant commercial luxury of the Atlantis resort and casino. To be honest why anyone would want to waste their time playing poker there is beyond me… and that is exactly what they are doing for the next couple of weeks as we see the Pokerstars Caribbean adventure in full swing.

One of the first events each year is the high-roller, this time a $100k entry tournament that nicely excluded the riff-raff. Due to a clerical error, or possibly some tipex on the promotional flyer – the game was thrown into confusion when a bread roll entered.

Of course, this caused several seasoned poker pros to complain. With a roll sitting in the number 7 seat showing its crusty top to the world it was going to be very difficult indeed to get a tell. So the pros called the tournament director and made a formal complaint.

This was a tricky one, since the tournament rules did not specifically exclude rolls from high-roller events. After all, if this particular small, round bread product had the money then who really cared that it would go stale, then moldy and then disintegrate entirely before it had the chance to spend any prize money.

When the decision was made in the roll’s favor, it turned out that a whole bunch of other bread and pastry-related entities (who were hiding behind the jellyfish exibit) were waiting for their chance to join the high-stakes action.

Fortunately for the players, the registration period was only over. Saving the high rollers from the blushes of losing a pot to a bap, or having to sweat the river card yet again to avoid being busted from the biggest tournament of the year so far by a bagel.

Much consternation and embarrassment was saved shortly after level 4 had started. Hellmuth had just been check-raised all in by the roll, and while the rail was distracted by a fight involving a Danish pastry and 2 currant buns – the high rolling roll was eaten by none other than Tony G, who stopped talking for a full 45 seconds to save the day.

Viktor Blom won the tournament, just in case anyone cares.


Friday, 6 January 2012

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

What? A Quick-fire Friday on an actual Friday… must be one of those new-fangled new year resolutions going on. Anyway I’ll start this edition of the latest poker news with a welcome announcement. There will be less Melted Felt posts this year!

(Cheers, applause, whistles and general murmuring from the masses).

In an effort to do less work I’m aiming for 6 posts a month. Enough to keep you checking that bookmark and being oh-so-slightly disappointed to see nothing has changed, yet not so much that I need to go to too much fvcking effort on your behalf – after all, we hardly know each other.

(just the occasional shout of ‘here here’ and ‘good for you buddy’ from the quickly thinning crowd by now)

I’m also going to stop addressing you as ‘dear Melted Felt readers’, though I quite like the crowd angle, hmmmm… [Slow down Mark, all these changes are going to stress your readers a little too much – Ed].

Anyway, on with the poker news roundup.

First up, this week saw one Ben Lamb named as poker player of the year 2011 by Card Player magazine. While Ben crushed the WSOP and all that good stuff, insiders revealed that his win was more symbolic than mathematical. By giving the title to a Lamb, the conceptual vision of Sheep has been entered (meme-like) into the collective unconscious of the poker world. With the slow realization that most players are about as interesting as grass-munching ruminant, and the frequently-posted opinions of their online counterparts just as thought-provoking as the bleating of spring lambs across the world – the idea is that this award might inspire someone to do something interesting in 2012.

Some hope, huh?

Second. This weeks roundup could not be published without mention of the failed grinders strike at Pokerstars. This came about after people who fold for a living were put out of business by changes which count your contribution to the pot, rather than divide ‘points’ equally among those in the hand. With folding over 24 tables not an option anymore, some direct action was needed.

So, the folders each set up 24 tables, sat out of most of them and played on only one (you have to understand that the concept of ‘not playing at all’ is beyond most of these players).

After years of being venerated in their ivory towers of providing volume to the Pokerstars tables, the problem with this action was that – well – with 300k+ peaks full of loose / bad rake-generating fish who actually fvcking deposit… Stars just does not need them to hit their volume figures these days.

*Poof* the grinders were restricted to one game for a while.

*Boom* angry posts were made in forums where only people who agree with the community line of thinking bother to post.

And finally *Sigh* Pokerstars and their millions of players continued their games without even noticing.

(only one slightly puzzled old man with a medium sized greying dog left in the crowd at this point, he liked that story a lot judging by his enthusiastic applause)

Finally for this week’s poker news roundup, a public service announcement:

The Pokerstars Caribbean Adventure starts today and many poker players sitting in darkened rooms around the world playing online will have won seats. My warning concerns that big yellow circle in the sky, which can not only burn your eyes if you look at it (so don't), it can also burn your skin just from exposure to its rays. Take care out there folks, and if you can not stand all those other human beings and *eeeuuucch* personal interaction, you can always turn off the light in your hotel room, draw the curtains and play on your laptops from there... oh, you were already doing just that...

(where’d that guy with the dog go?)


Sunday, 1 January 2012

Melted Felt Poker Predictions 2011

With every blog and it’s dog doing their predictions for 2012 at the moment, I thought it was time for Melted Felt to go out on a limb. You see, we did not get to be the world’s leading poker satire blog which officially used to be funny for no good reasons. We got there by once being funny, no, erm, hold on, I mean we go there by being DIFFERENT, that was it DIFFERENT.

So, while the boring bloggers do there 2012 poker predictions… I’m going to really push the boat out today – and give you my poker predictions for 2011. Do not forget to come back in a years time to see how my predictions panned out.

2011 Poker Predictions 1 – Legal Troubles Ahead

This is going to sound crazy, being written in January and all – however I think that there could be trouble ahead in the USA. My prediction is that online poker will appear to be going just great for US players – with thousands more players dropping out of college to enjoy the ‘freedom’ to sit in a dark room clicking a mouse while their friends leave their lives one by one and go on to have fulfilling careers, beautiful families and Labradors.

I’m sticking my neck on the line and plumping for April here – some kind of legal issues will force the big sites to immediately close and leave the US. No more Pokerstars or Full Tilt and / Absolute might well close. Phew, bit of an ‘out there’ prediction I know – let us wait and see if I am right.

2011 Poker Predictions 2 – Record WSOP, Foreign Winner

With online poker decimated, you might think that the annual World Series in Las Vegas would drop in popularity… especially with the ‘supersatellites’ gone. I’m going to predict the opposite for 2011… and suggest that we will see record number of players, since nobody will really know what to do with their remaining poker bankroll.

Even with US players in mass-attendance – poker around the world is maturing fast. Because of this I think we might see a foreign winner of the biggest event of all. In fact if anyone would like to give me odds on this being a German, I’d accept the wager… any takers?

2011 Poker Predictions 3 – Full Tilt Poker

Humming the tune of the Elvis great ‘suspicious minds’ will not distract me from by 2nd boldest prediction yet, dear Melted Felt readers. You see, I just do not think that Full Tilt are playing fair with your money. Yep, I’m predicting a financial scandal leading to the loss of their gaming license, the site going offline completely and a strong possibility that nobody will see their balances returned for the rest of the year.

I know I know, seems unbelievable – and you have not even heard my prediction about it getting bought out by a French bloke yet, or the DoJ being the one to hand US players back their money…

2011 Poker Predictions 4

That’s plenty enough ‘Big’ predictions for one year. Think I’ll come up with a few smaller ones, just to add flavour to this post and give other industry pundits a chance to poo-poo me!

Lock Poker will get knocked off their high-horses with a cheating scandal in 2011. Phil Ivey will miss the World Series (can’t decide whether this will be through illness, stubbornness or a very high level prop bet). Bodog will rebrand in the US and go completely anonymous at the tables. For some reason I see a u-turn coming from the government too – maybe the wire act will be declared as not applying to poker after all?


My main prediction in 2011 is that, however hard people try to talk up the celebrities, high stakes games and scandals – most of the ‘news’ will have been completely forgotten a week after it was published.

So, I’ll see you in a year’s time to see how things pan out.


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