Friday, 20 January 2012

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

I don’t know, these Melted Felt posts are like busses… you wait for fvcking ages for one to come along… then realize you own a car and don’t need to hang about with crappy poor people at bus stops after all...

Anyway, lots of poker news this week – so without further nonsense I’ll jump in.

Former UB Players To Sue Dead Horse

Here is an unexpected twist to the disaster that was Ultimate Bet… Burned by the superuser scandal and worried that the insolvency of UB might make it difficult to get their cash back, a group of poker pros have named a dead horse in a damages claim.

The horse, which has been dead for at least a week, is currently under police protection in a field near Ohio. We will of course bring you the response of said horse as soon as we hear anything.

Pokerstars CEO Moves To Where They Respect His Raises

Gabi Campos has announced he is to leave his post as CEO, prompting massive speculation about why. Suggestions have included that he decided it was just impossible to beat that many donks, or that his apparent new employers (DragonFish) would respect his 3-bets a little more often. When we approached his office for a comment they came back with, ‘lol, jokerstars’… while there is no word on a replacement just yet, we would like to suggest one Ray Bitar has experience in this kind of a role – and could well be looking for work soon, no?

Yatahay Network To Change Their Name

In an Ironic gesture of the week, the Yatahay poker network are to change their name to the ‘Winning Poker Network'. Now, we are not sure what they are winning… or intend to win… or is this something to do with confusing the audit trail for players at Doyle’s Room one little bit further? Anyway, since I am confused about this story I will try and track down either of this networks 2 players for a comment soon…

That’s all for this week, except to say that I’ll be willing to bet that you have already forgotten the name of this year’s PCA Main Event winner…


Wednesday, 18 January 2012

The Tale Of Sir Galfond And The Kindom Of High Stakes Online Poker Pros

Once upon a time in a magical kingdom far far away the once merry and joyful people were feeling glum. While they worked hard in the fields, their crops of ROI were smaller than ever, however they tilled the lands it just did not seem possible to get their BB/100 to grow any more.

At the same time the evil tyrant of Pokerstars, sitting in their huge and impregnable castle, kept changing their tax calculations. They ordered new rakes be used, which inevitably left less and less for these good, hard grinding people to feed their hungry families. The once happy people of the kingdom of mid to high stakes poker looked up at the black smoke and brooding storm clouds over the castle of their master, and started to wonder if they should have finished up those law degrees after all...

Then one day, just as the population of the grinder’s Kingdom were busy scraping their hard living from what was left of the barren tables – a white horse was spotted on the horizon, carrying a knight in the brightest ever shining armor [shined exclusively by ArmourGlow™)!

Everyone stopped and stared as the knight approached and the gallant Sir Galfond arrived to save the day. Phil had a plan to make the lands of the kingdom fertile and fruitful once again – if only he could get the people to agree to some *ahem* small changes to the way the land was tilled. He unsheathed his sword, and explained that its razor sharp blade would soon be put to very good use.

Joy quickly spread around the tables, future hourly rates were calculated on scrolls and parchments, and much merriment was shared between the people. Together they would storm the keep of the evil tyrant Pokerstars and make the games fairer and more profitable for everyone, well, when they say everyone they actually meant – everyone like them.

However, before their plans could be fully hatched, heads (literally) started to fly. First those people of the kingdom who sat out as soon as the fish lost their stack found their limbs hacked off and their intestines spilled by the gallant Sir Galfond. Next those players who refused to keep games going by playing known regulars were rounded up, and hung from the branches of the once fruitful trees.

Panic quickly spread throughout the land, with hordes of people making a dash over the hill for the tough but far away lands of ‘mid-stakes small site break-even rakeback pros’.

It was too late, swooping up from it’s hiding place behind a pile of unclaimed FPP store ‘Pokerstars Cookie Selections In A Basket’, a giant fire-breathing dragon swooped down and burned every single heads-up bumhunter to a blackened crisp. Seeing this the players who would sit out 3 hands before their button to avoid being priced into one more orbit gave up the ghost, throwing themselves into the wells – where they found patronizing MTT players who just happened to run good dishing out advice for their adoring forum fans…

Sir Galfond sheathed his mighty sword, ‘I have saved the day!’ he declared… before suddenly realizing there was in fact nobody left in the land of the high stakes online pros to address.

Startled by a loud clang, Phil turned to see the drawbridge of the evil Pokerstars keep come down, the smiling tyrant standing beckoning, winking his glowing red eyes and flashing a big roll of cash – ready to give Phil a heroes welcome back to the fold…

And all the investors and senior partners lived happily ever after.


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

It's OK, You Secret Is Safe With Me, Fish!

I know that being a complete fish has a certain, erm, stigma attached to it in poker circles. While all your peers are raking in the cash you are just the whipping boy for a succession of bad beats, suckouts and self-inflicted downswings.

Today I want you to stand proud, be happy in your own skin - say to the world once and for all 'I may be sh1t at poker, but hell, I'm almost average in many other activities'

Fortunately, there is a special tournament especially for rubbish players like you. 'The Fishmarket' is open to all non-US readers and you get to enter for free ($11 value) if you deposit before the 16th Feb 2012 at the soft-as-sh1te Red Kings Poker. What is great about this tournament is that it brings all the rubbish poker players together... with a $10k guaranteed prize pool at least one of you will end up temporarily suffering the delusion that you are 'quite good' for a couple of days.

Anyway, you can find out more about Red Kings in this long and boring review.... or just click the big red button below, claim your free $11 entry token and enjoy a few hours in the company of shit poker players from all over the world...


Melted Felt Blackout In Support Of SOAP

Just a short post today to let readers know that Melted Felt will be offline this Wednesday the 18th Jan between 12:00hrs and 13:00hrs as part of the worldwide internet campaign to protest against people who do not use SOAP.

I have very strong feelings on this issue and urge other bloggers and webmasters to follow suit. There is nothing worse that people who do not use SOAP, either correctly or at all, especially on public transport, int he office or the close quarters of a casino poker table.

Since I am not actually sure how to black out my blog, I would like to ask all readers visiting between the specified hours to put their hands over their eyes (and no fvcking peeking).


Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Confusion As Roll Enters High-Roller PCA Event

If I was going to choose one place to be a little bit more than confused, it would be the place where the tropical paradise of the Bahamas meets the blatant commercial luxury of the Atlantis resort and casino. To be honest why anyone would want to waste their time playing poker there is beyond me… and that is exactly what they are doing for the next couple of weeks as we see the Pokerstars Caribbean adventure in full swing.

One of the first events each year is the high-roller, this time a $100k entry tournament that nicely excluded the riff-raff. Due to a clerical error, or possibly some tipex on the promotional flyer – the game was thrown into confusion when a bread roll entered.

Of course, this caused several seasoned poker pros to complain. With a roll sitting in the number 7 seat showing its crusty top to the world it was going to be very difficult indeed to get a tell. So the pros called the tournament director and made a formal complaint.

This was a tricky one, since the tournament rules did not specifically exclude rolls from high-roller events. After all, if this particular small, round bread product had the money then who really cared that it would go stale, then moldy and then disintegrate entirely before it had the chance to spend any prize money.

When the decision was made in the roll’s favor, it turned out that a whole bunch of other bread and pastry-related entities (who were hiding behind the jellyfish exibit) were waiting for their chance to join the high-stakes action.

Fortunately for the players, the registration period was only over. Saving the high rollers from the blushes of losing a pot to a bap, or having to sweat the river card yet again to avoid being busted from the biggest tournament of the year so far by a bagel.

Much consternation and embarrassment was saved shortly after level 4 had started. Hellmuth had just been check-raised all in by the roll, and while the rail was distracted by a fight involving a Danish pastry and 2 currant buns – the high rolling roll was eaten by none other than Tony G, who stopped talking for a full 45 seconds to save the day.

Viktor Blom won the tournament, just in case anyone cares.


Friday, 6 January 2012

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

What? A Quick-fire Friday on an actual Friday… must be one of those new-fangled new year resolutions going on. Anyway I’ll start this edition of the latest poker news with a welcome announcement. There will be less Melted Felt posts this year!

(Cheers, applause, whistles and general murmuring from the masses).

In an effort to do less work I’m aiming for 6 posts a month. Enough to keep you checking that bookmark and being oh-so-slightly disappointed to see nothing has changed, yet not so much that I need to go to too much fvcking effort on your behalf – after all, we hardly know each other.

(just the occasional shout of ‘here here’ and ‘good for you buddy’ from the quickly thinning crowd by now)

I’m also going to stop addressing you as ‘dear Melted Felt readers’, though I quite like the crowd angle, hmmmm… [Slow down Mark, all these changes are going to stress your readers a little too much – Ed].

Anyway, on with the poker news roundup.

First up, this week saw one Ben Lamb named as poker player of the year 2011 by Card Player magazine. While Ben crushed the WSOP and all that good stuff, insiders revealed that his win was more symbolic than mathematical. By giving the title to a Lamb, the conceptual vision of Sheep has been entered (meme-like) into the collective unconscious of the poker world. With the slow realization that most players are about as interesting as grass-munching ruminant, and the frequently-posted opinions of their online counterparts just as thought-provoking as the bleating of spring lambs across the world – the idea is that this award might inspire someone to do something interesting in 2012.

Some hope, huh?

Second. This weeks roundup could not be published without mention of the failed grinders strike at Pokerstars. This came about after people who fold for a living were put out of business by changes which count your contribution to the pot, rather than divide ‘points’ equally among those in the hand. With folding over 24 tables not an option anymore, some direct action was needed.

So, the folders each set up 24 tables, sat out of most of them and played on only one (you have to understand that the concept of ‘not playing at all’ is beyond most of these players).

After years of being venerated in their ivory towers of providing volume to the Pokerstars tables, the problem with this action was that – well – with 300k+ peaks full of loose / bad rake-generating fish who actually fvcking deposit… Stars just does not need them to hit their volume figures these days.

*Poof* the grinders were restricted to one game for a while.

*Boom* angry posts were made in forums where only people who agree with the community line of thinking bother to post.

And finally *Sigh* Pokerstars and their millions of players continued their games without even noticing.

(only one slightly puzzled old man with a medium sized greying dog left in the crowd at this point, he liked that story a lot judging by his enthusiastic applause)

Finally for this week’s poker news roundup, a public service announcement:

The Pokerstars Caribbean Adventure starts today and many poker players sitting in darkened rooms around the world playing online will have won seats. My warning concerns that big yellow circle in the sky, which can not only burn your eyes if you look at it (so don't), it can also burn your skin just from exposure to its rays. Take care out there folks, and if you can not stand all those other human beings and *eeeuuucch* personal interaction, you can always turn off the light in your hotel room, draw the curtains and play on your laptops from there... oh, you were already doing just that...

(where’d that guy with the dog go?)


Sunday, 1 January 2012

Melted Felt Poker Predictions 2011

With every blog and it’s dog doing their predictions for 2012 at the moment, I thought it was time for Melted Felt to go out on a limb. You see, we did not get to be the world’s leading poker satire blog which officially used to be funny for no good reasons. We got there by once being funny, no, erm, hold on, I mean we go there by being DIFFERENT, that was it DIFFERENT.

So, while the boring bloggers do there 2012 poker predictions… I’m going to really push the boat out today – and give you my poker predictions for 2011. Do not forget to come back in a years time to see how my predictions panned out.

2011 Poker Predictions 1 – Legal Troubles Ahead

This is going to sound crazy, being written in January and all – however I think that there could be trouble ahead in the USA. My prediction is that online poker will appear to be going just great for US players – with thousands more players dropping out of college to enjoy the ‘freedom’ to sit in a dark room clicking a mouse while their friends leave their lives one by one and go on to have fulfilling careers, beautiful families and Labradors.

I’m sticking my neck on the line and plumping for April here – some kind of legal issues will force the big sites to immediately close and leave the US. No more Pokerstars or Full Tilt and / Absolute might well close. Phew, bit of an ‘out there’ prediction I know – let us wait and see if I am right.

2011 Poker Predictions 2 – Record WSOP, Foreign Winner

With online poker decimated, you might think that the annual World Series in Las Vegas would drop in popularity… especially with the ‘supersatellites’ gone. I’m going to predict the opposite for 2011… and suggest that we will see record number of players, since nobody will really know what to do with their remaining poker bankroll.

Even with US players in mass-attendance – poker around the world is maturing fast. Because of this I think we might see a foreign winner of the biggest event of all. In fact if anyone would like to give me odds on this being a German, I’d accept the wager… any takers?

2011 Poker Predictions 3 – Full Tilt Poker

Humming the tune of the Elvis great ‘suspicious minds’ will not distract me from by 2nd boldest prediction yet, dear Melted Felt readers. You see, I just do not think that Full Tilt are playing fair with your money. Yep, I’m predicting a financial scandal leading to the loss of their gaming license, the site going offline completely and a strong possibility that nobody will see their balances returned for the rest of the year.

I know I know, seems unbelievable – and you have not even heard my prediction about it getting bought out by a French bloke yet, or the DoJ being the one to hand US players back their money…

2011 Poker Predictions 4

That’s plenty enough ‘Big’ predictions for one year. Think I’ll come up with a few smaller ones, just to add flavour to this post and give other industry pundits a chance to poo-poo me!

Lock Poker will get knocked off their high-horses with a cheating scandal in 2011. Phil Ivey will miss the World Series (can’t decide whether this will be through illness, stubbornness or a very high level prop bet). Bodog will rebrand in the US and go completely anonymous at the tables. For some reason I see a u-turn coming from the government too – maybe the wire act will be declared as not applying to poker after all?


My main prediction in 2011 is that, however hard people try to talk up the celebrities, high stakes games and scandals – most of the ‘news’ will have been completely forgotten a week after it was published.

So, I’ll see you in a year’s time to see how things pan out.


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