Thursday, 29 March 2012

500th Post – Finally The Proof That You Have Been Waiting For...

(A Fanfare Sounds)

(A Special Effect, Erm, Scrolls)

(A Gasp Is Heard, Followed By A Muffled Giggle)

Yes, somehow Melted Felt managed 500 posts. We only got banned from Google 3 times, had less than 1306 abusive comments in total, I only managed to hear ‘you can’t write THAT’ 237 times and, well, apparently we made a few people chuckle – way back in the early days, when Melted Felt actually used to be funny...

I am very happy to be writing about scientific facts, rather than producing satire for my 500th post. This comes from a brand new study published in respected scientific journals by one Sjoerd Van Overtall from the University of Utrecht. Sjoerd has managed PROVE to a 5-sigma level of certainty not only that you ARE good but just a little unlucky, that is IS scientifically impossible to beat that many donks, but that – scientifically speaking – you SHOULD move up levels to where they respect your raises.

If you were sure that these things were true... yet never found the proof to back up your ideas - read on!

1 - Proof That You ARE Good But Unlucky After All!

Math, or more specifically the pure math branch which deals with the fundamental truths resulting from the most detailed building blocks of mathematical certainty – gave the clue to the first question.

If L=(x-n)/y-x2 then it follows that y must be equal to the root of n+x-x2 (shocking I know). Now, if we say that luck (y) was variable and skill (x) was fixed (but improving at a rate of c-cx3) then it follows that, over a sample size of ‘n’, luck has a proportionally greater effect the more skilled the player becomes.

This, ladies and gentlemen is CONCLUSIVE PROOF that you are good, just a little damn unlucky.

2 - Proof That You Simply Can Not Beat That Many Donks

Math alone was not enough to establish with scientific certainty that it was statistically impossible to beat that many donks… instead Sjored hired a slot at CERN during Star Trek (when all the scientitists took a 'tea break') and tested things in the Large Hadron Collider.

This involved firing a beam of Gluons through a static field of Strange Quarks (chosen for their tendency for random quantum choices – a bit like French poker players). By watching the tell-tale decay patterns of the particles they found that a ratio of 14 donks to every good player was enough to make it statistically impossible for the skilled guy to win. The Higgs boson was found during this experiment, only Sjoerd prefers poker – so shredded the print out proving it.

3 - Moving Up Levels To Gain Some Respect Works!

Pure numbers and sub-atomic particles were not enough to prove the final existential question for poker players – whether you should move up levels to where people respect your raises. So the team of Utrecht scientists used a large flock of sheep instead.

Choosing a sheep that was pretty much average in all respects (including ROI, VPIP and 2+2 post count) they took a table of big winning sheep (in terms of grass eaten and wool grown) and put the average sheep with them. After 3 screen-name changes, the sheep finally hit a hot patch, and was able to show his new poker tracker graph on the forums – at which point they put him back with the average sheep and noticed a significant increase in the amount of respect shown (in terms of blindly following without actually having a clue what was going on). Unfortunately the sheep in the study posted a Vlog which mentioned his new book – and was banned, then quickly forgotten.

Great to have proof.

Proof on all 3 sides.

Proof that you should be a winner, that you can not possibly stay at the micros and that moving up levels when you can not beat the one you are at is a sensible and normal course of action.


Now, if I change sites once more – nobody will know how big a loser I am… right?


Monday, 26 March 2012

iPoker Release Backwards Poker

With Zoom Poker making huge dents in the cash game takes of rival sites – the heat was on last week to come up with something fresh and exciting. We are pleased to report that the iPoker Network, through their best site Titan Poker, have done exactly that. This poker game is so fresh and so innovative that you will be amazed.

Backwards Poker – How It Works

Key to the amazing fresh gameplay of backwards poker is the fact that the river is dealt first. In fact all of the community cards are free to view on the table at the start of every hand. At this point in the game, the players have not yet been dealt any hole-cards – which means that the first betting round takes place with only the community cards to go on.

Next, each player gets dealt one hole card. Another betting round then takes place – a great opportunity to put the pressure on from later position, or for a small stack to try and steal the pot with a timely all in move.

The turn then gets removed, which triggers the next betting round.

After this the players are dealt one more hole card, a timed sequence of bets then takes place which players vie to get their chips into the middle before the 3 remaining community cards disappear one by one. To keep the excitement up during this part of play each player is restricted to 5 seconds – otherwise the hand gets checked down.

Backwards Poker – Can This Game Rival Zoom?

Of course, you would expect Titan Poker to be singing the praises of backwards poker, noting that this innovation will revolutionize the online game and bring floods of new players to their tables… at the same time as not being able to explain exactly how the winner gets determined. Only to say this is available in real money and free poker format.

What is important to us is whether this game can make a serious dent in the empire that is Pokerstars and their new toy Zoom Poker?

Well, at least with all of the skill taken out of the game we can ditch the pretense that you can beat the rake over the long-term. And hey, one or two of the more gullible readers might just head over to their favorite iPoker site and try this game out. Blackjack anyone?


Friday, 23 March 2012

New Proof Full Tilt Deal Imminent March 2012

We all know that the Full Tilt deal is imminent by now… after all, it was reported in one semi-reputable news site and then replicated (in slightly different words) by everyone else – so it MUST be true.

Well, since I offer a public service as well as a blog which used to be funny, it is time to add to the speculation, contribute to the hype and, erm, lay on some good old fashioned excitement. Yes, I can exclusively reveal that not one – but two – former Full Tilt avatars were spotted returning to the companies Isle Of Man HQ today.

The Panda arrived early in the morning to avoid the rush and was flanked by 2 heavily armed grizzly bears as he quickly padded his way into an unmarked side door. We tried to contact his agent, who confirmed that the Panda was no longer looking for a job and explained that the meeting was to do with a paternity suit filed by Ming-Ming, the star attraction at Bejing Zoo. Apparently the Panda himself is completely out of the Poker game and, anyway, can remember all 3 of his different facial expressions perfectly well.

Not sure about you, but I am just not buying this explanation… after some digging it turned out that Ming-Ming is an old college friend of Ray Bitar and that the Panda himself may have been brushing up his stills over at rival site Pokerstars.

Back in November we had snuck a goldfish with a special nano-technology left fin into the Full Tilt office to get a better idea of what the board were smoking.

Imagine our shock when our spy-goldfish actually became friends with the Full Tilt turtle avatar! We found out some very juicy snippets on that disconcerting grey lady who scared us all – just a little bit. We also found out that the turtle had been forced to resign and reapply for its own job, based on equal opportunities laws, and had almost lost out to a gay stingray.

It turns out that some intensive training was going on, not only to remind the turtle how to put its head back into its shell – but how to ensure that an ace came on the flop when the player using it had pocket kings with a special flipper movement.

If that is no proof then I have no idea what is.

Or something.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Key Differences Between Zoom Poker And Rush Poker

Not Checked Out Pokerstars Zoom Poker Yet? Then head on over to now!


Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Kony 2012, New Evidence Of Planned Atrocities

African politics and online poker are not particularly comfortable companions. After all, after Robert Mugabe was hired as head of security for the Cereus Network things went decidedly downhill. Still, I feel it is the duty of this blog, and the ever louder chattering head-voices it is forced to represent, to let the truth come out.

Readers, if you thought that Kony’s coercive strategy to get children into the Lord’s Resistance Army was sick – well, I am afraid you have not read anything yet. We have evidence of a training camp which is so shocking, so inhumane, so devoid of everything we hold dear that it will make grown adults weep. We have news so disturbing that no viral video will be needed to prompt action, no smoke and mirrors rhetoric about interference from ‘imperialists’ will cause politicians to hesitate and no wooly liberals will be able hide behind cries of ‘you misunderstand’ any longer.

Yes, unless Kony’s demands are met in full by the end of the month he is planning on a change in tactics so evil than it will quite literally FORCE action from the west.

Kony is about to reposition the Lord’s Resistance Army as online poker pros – yes dear readers, he is forming the ‘Lords Resistance Grinders’ right now, and they are about to be unleashed.

16 tabling SNGs from their secret base deep in the Ugandan jungle, the mass of grinders will start small, building a bankroll and frequent player points. By the time the slow acting governments of the West have time to react they will already be moving up to the $10 level, devastating recreational players and regulars alike with their huge numbers. As the first UN resolution gets passed they would be at the $20’s already, with enough points to order gadgets – as well as entering big buy-in weekend tournaments.

At this point it will be too late, the brightest and best of the Children will already be suggesting an assault on mid-stakes multi-table tournaments… and the sheer number of player points accumulated will be used to force the poker sites into listing AK47’s and Rocket Propelled Grenades.

Making this whole episode even more sickening is the cruel punishment regime being dished out to the Children who fail to meet their quota – or go on a downswing. Bing beaten to within an inch of their lives, tied to posts in the searing tropical sun and tormented by large poisonous insects will be the easy part. We have it on good authority that Kony also intends to post their hand histories in popular forums and have these losing players mocked by their peers.

Even as last minute peace talks are being organized, it looks as if an even more radical Congalese splinter group are forming to take toddlers and force them to play hyper turbos. Meanwhile Iran has insisted that its own army of 6-max cash game specialists are for civilian purposes only, and China have vetoed a UN bill to pull the plug, claiming that dog tastes quite nice, and – well – they own most of Africa after all.


Friday, 16 March 2012

Bitter Former US Poker Players Running Out Of Reasons Why The Full Tilt Deal Will ‘Definitely’ Fall Through

For those of us who miss the scruffy white dog, the turtle and the panda avatars – it has been a long year of online poker purgatory. Not only has our cash been locked up and our Rush addition frustrated, we have been denied a decent alternative to the behemoth of Pokerstars too.

It is with a heavy heart that I have to report that those bitter former US grinders who take precious minutes on a regular basis to poo-poo any optimism that Full Tilt might come back are going to have to admit defeat.

A deal with the Feds was 'never going to happen'… only it did.

The sums of money owed were just 'too huge to make this deal financially viable'… only they were not.

Legal exposure in the form of class action lawsuits was just 'too risky for a deal to be possible'… only they got solved.

Former Pros and Partners interest in the site could never be resolved and would 'cause the deal to fall through'… only a negotiated settlement was found.

Bitar said someone else was interested (in the software) which was 'concrete PROOF that the GBT deal was on the brink of collapse'… only, well, it was about to be signed.

Of course, the spite will not stop there. The next stop for those frustrated burger flippers who gave up a great college education for the ‘freedom’ of online grinding is to predict with a huge degree of certainty that Full Tilt will never regain anything like its former glory in terms of players...

Who will want to play at a site with such a terrible history? They will crow, safe behind their tear stained keyboards.

Well guys, you have been completely wrong all along… and I’m going to stick my head on the line here. Full Tilt will be back in the number 2 spot by the end of the year ahead of Party and Titan– whether you like it or not!


Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Pokerstars To Meet With 2+2ers To Discuss Making Poker A Little Bit Worse For People Who Actually Deposit

Sure there has been plenty of poker news around… but come on, it is hard work writing the world’s only poker satire blog which is officially no longer funny, so I took a month off to travel, drink and generally be merry – something which grinders never seem to be able to do….

In a shocking revelation, Pokerstars will be having face-to-face meeting at their Isle of Man HQ with players who are determined to make online poker just that little bit more sh1t. It seems that greasy grinders who dedicate themselves to recreating the atmosphere of the school playground each day on the 2+2 forums are FURIOUS that poker only revolves around them 98% of the time – and are DEMANDING to be heard so that they can make online poker at least 1.6% more sh1t for everyone else.

We sent the Melted Felt Mole undercover on the forums to find out exactly what the demands ‘Pokerstars Steve’ would be receiving included:

- One of the biggest points of contention was that the time FISH hold on to their bankrolls is still way too high. The grinders are demanding that a new algorithm work out which new players still have any money in their account 48 hours after joining and publish their names directly to the forums.
- Slight losing 24 table grinders are unhappy about the distribution of player points which no longer enable them to SCRATCH a desperate living by nut peddling at the micros. Demands include some way to guarantee at least minimum wage in VPPs, for those who provide all that precious liquidity to the poker site which is almost drowning in liquidity.
- Players have been having FUN at the tables, which is obviously not acceptable since poker should be the sole domain of people who are angry with the world, terminally frustrated and want to prove their point if only they could work out what their point actually was.

Fortunately, the geeks will get a chance to be represented in April and a search is apparently underway to find the angriest player who (statistically speaking) represents the lowest proportion of the overall online poker population possible.

Many poker satire blogs would have stopped the story there, but not this one. Melted Felt might not have been funny since 2009 – however it does go that extra mile to squeeze the living nonsense out of anything even faintly resembling poker news.

So, we sent the Melted Felt mole deep inside Pokerstars HQ to get an idea of what the world’s biggest site might be wanting to explain to the grinder delegation.

While the Mole had to dodge the prevalent laughing fits still going on many months after the collapse of Full Tilt – we managed to find their cunning plan.

First, they would explain to the grinders that they are mummy’s best boys, that they are very important and handsome and very clever indeed… and that it was only those stoopid people who were jealous of their talents that ever said anything different, and that if anyone said anything bad they were probably on food stamps and had fleas and that you should come and tell mum right away and she would call their mum and give them a good talking to, want a cookie?

Next, while they felt like VERY GOOD BOYS the plan was to patiently explain the history of liquidity. This would involve Powerpoint presentations put together by highly paid ‘executives’ in suits which clearly show that it was all very nice while the sites were small and growing – but now everyone and his dog plays at Stars anyway, you grinders and more an irritation than anything worthwhile... with stats to prove it.

Finally a concession would be made which SOUNDED really good but had little effect in reality, something along the lines of adding a VPP or 2 for players who sat in dark rooms grinding at least 16 tables more than 12 hours a day.

The caring, sharing Pokerstars – job done.

Well, best log on to pokerstars and put my list of fish who still have money 48 hours after depositing to good use then…


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