Thursday, 29 March 2012

500th Post – Finally The Proof That You Have Been Waiting For...

(A Fanfare Sounds)

(A Special Effect, Erm, Scrolls)

(A Gasp Is Heard, Followed By A Muffled Giggle)

Yes, somehow Melted Felt managed 500 posts. We only got banned from Google 3 times, had less than 1306 abusive comments in total, I only managed to hear ‘you can’t write THAT’ 237 times and, well, apparently we made a few people chuckle – way back in the early days, when Melted Felt actually used to be funny...

I am very happy to be writing about scientific facts, rather than producing satire for my 500th post. This comes from a brand new study published in respected scientific journals by one Sjoerd Van Overtall from the University of Utrecht. Sjoerd has managed PROVE to a 5-sigma level of certainty not only that you ARE good but just a little unlucky, that is IS scientifically impossible to beat that many donks, but that – scientifically speaking – you SHOULD move up levels to where they respect your raises.

If you were sure that these things were true... yet never found the proof to back up your ideas - read on!

1 - Proof That You ARE Good But Unlucky After All!

Math, or more specifically the pure math branch which deals with the fundamental truths resulting from the most detailed building blocks of mathematical certainty – gave the clue to the first question.

If L=(x-n)/y-x2 then it follows that y must be equal to the root of n+x-x2 (shocking I know). Now, if we say that luck (y) was variable and skill (x) was fixed (but improving at a rate of c-cx3) then it follows that, over a sample size of ‘n’, luck has a proportionally greater effect the more skilled the player becomes.

This, ladies and gentlemen is CONCLUSIVE PROOF that you are good, just a little damn unlucky.

2 - Proof That You Simply Can Not Beat That Many Donks

Math alone was not enough to establish with scientific certainty that it was statistically impossible to beat that many donks… instead Sjored hired a slot at CERN during Star Trek (when all the scientitists took a 'tea break') and tested things in the Large Hadron Collider.

This involved firing a beam of Gluons through a static field of Strange Quarks (chosen for their tendency for random quantum choices – a bit like French poker players). By watching the tell-tale decay patterns of the particles they found that a ratio of 14 donks to every good player was enough to make it statistically impossible for the skilled guy to win. The Higgs boson was found during this experiment, only Sjoerd prefers poker – so shredded the print out proving it.

3 - Moving Up Levels To Gain Some Respect Works!

Pure numbers and sub-atomic particles were not enough to prove the final existential question for poker players – whether you should move up levels to where people respect your raises. So the team of Utrecht scientists used a large flock of sheep instead.

Choosing a sheep that was pretty much average in all respects (including ROI, VPIP and 2+2 post count) they took a table of big winning sheep (in terms of grass eaten and wool grown) and put the average sheep with them. After 3 screen-name changes, the sheep finally hit a hot patch, and was able to show his new poker tracker graph on the forums – at which point they put him back with the average sheep and noticed a significant increase in the amount of respect shown (in terms of blindly following without actually having a clue what was going on). Unfortunately the sheep in the study posted a Vlog which mentioned his new book – and was banned, then quickly forgotten.

Great to have proof.

Proof on all 3 sides.

Proof that you should be a winner, that you can not possibly stay at the micros and that moving up levels when you can not beat the one you are at is a sensible and normal course of action.


Now, if I change sites once more – nobody will know how big a loser I am… right?


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