Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Kony 2012, New Evidence Of Planned Atrocities

African politics and online poker are not particularly comfortable companions. After all, after Robert Mugabe was hired as head of security for the Cereus Network things went decidedly downhill. Still, I feel it is the duty of this blog, and the ever louder chattering head-voices it is forced to represent, to let the truth come out.

Readers, if you thought that Kony’s coercive strategy to get children into the Lord’s Resistance Army was sick – well, I am afraid you have not read anything yet. We have evidence of a training camp which is so shocking, so inhumane, so devoid of everything we hold dear that it will make grown adults weep. We have news so disturbing that no viral video will be needed to prompt action, no smoke and mirrors rhetoric about interference from ‘imperialists’ will cause politicians to hesitate and no wooly liberals will be able hide behind cries of ‘you misunderstand’ any longer.

Yes, unless Kony’s demands are met in full by the end of the month he is planning on a change in tactics so evil than it will quite literally FORCE action from the west.

Kony is about to reposition the Lord’s Resistance Army as online poker pros – yes dear readers, he is forming the ‘Lords Resistance Grinders’ right now, and they are about to be unleashed.

16 tabling SNGs from their secret base deep in the Ugandan jungle, the mass of grinders will start small, building a bankroll and frequent player points. By the time the slow acting governments of the West have time to react they will already be moving up to the $10 level, devastating recreational players and regulars alike with their huge numbers. As the first UN resolution gets passed they would be at the $20’s already, with enough points to order gadgets – as well as entering big buy-in weekend tournaments.

At this point it will be too late, the brightest and best of the Children will already be suggesting an assault on mid-stakes multi-table tournaments… and the sheer number of player points accumulated will be used to force the poker sites into listing AK47’s and Rocket Propelled Grenades.

Making this whole episode even more sickening is the cruel punishment regime being dished out to the Children who fail to meet their quota – or go on a downswing. Bing beaten to within an inch of their lives, tied to posts in the searing tropical sun and tormented by large poisonous insects will be the easy part. We have it on good authority that Kony also intends to post their hand histories in popular forums and have these losing players mocked by their peers.

Even as last minute peace talks are being organized, it looks as if an even more radical Congalese splinter group are forming to take toddlers and force them to play hyper turbos. Meanwhile Iran has insisted that its own army of 6-max cash game specialists are for civilian purposes only, and China have vetoed a UN bill to pull the plug, claiming that dog tastes quite nice, and – well – they own most of Africa after all.


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